Yesterday, Phils’ manager, Pete Macktheknife, said, “Everybody wants to see (Rhy Hoskins‘) bat but Tommy Joseph has done well enough where there’s enough games left for him to show even more improvement. It’s hard. You don’t want to put Tommy Joseph on the bench so maybe (having Hoskins play outfield) is a way to do it.” Hey, quick question, anyone got a participation trophy for Joseph? Sounds like he could really use one! “I accept this participation trophy on behalf of all the players who are at positions where the club has a better prospect in the minors, but is too cheap to promote them. Especially to my runner-up, Shin-Soo, way to keep down Willie Calhoun!” A bunch of prospblockers, the lot of you! Don’t even get me started on the absolute craziness that you risk putting your top prospect in left field just to keep playing Tommy Joseph. Hoskins should be okay out there, but there’s a ton more risk with injuries in left field than standing on 1st. I grabbed Hoskins in all leagues. He was top 30 for Prospector Ralph’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, and might be the last big name to come up that can make a difference. For this year, I’d say Hoskins = Mark Reynolds with way fewer Ks. Long term, well, I won’t say Votto, but his OBP is insane for a kid. Scouts call players kids, did I sound like a scout? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Brantley – Hit the DL a mild ankle sprain. That’s like a mild ghost pepper. It’ll still put you on your ass.
Jay Bruce – Acquired by the Indians. He will be known as Chief Jay Strongbruce. If Brantley’s still healthy, Bruce stays in New York, returns to Jersey for shows at the Stone Pony and grimaces at Little Stevie’s dirty-ass bandana. This reminds me of the move by the Yankees to acquire Todd Frazier. On paper, it seems decent enough. In reality, the acquiring team likely got worse. Edwin, Bruce and Santana is a murderers’ row of rally killing. This means in New York Grandy’s gonna be the anti-dandy cleanup hitter.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.79. This game came vs. the Rockies. It can’t be overstated how pathetic the Rockies are on road. Like going from chugging Coors Light to Everclear.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-6 and his 27th homer. Have you heard this weekend MLB is putting nicknames on the back of jerseys? I’m disappointed to hear Blackmon won’t be having on his back, Chazz Noir. Here’s another one from the files of what could’ve been:
Can you guess what Billy Ripken’s jersey would’ve said? https://t.co/k1C2S5rQXH
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 9, 2017
Joey Gallo – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, and 500th homer in the last five games. All Donkey Dong Jr. does is barrel up pitches!
Elvis Andrus – 0-for-6, 1 run, zero walks and two steals. A) You know a guy is having a great year when he steals two bases without a hit or walk. B) He’s facing the Mets and Rafael Montero. C) There’s no C.
Nomar Mazara – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .247. Slowed down dramatically in the 2nd half, but he’s hitting third. Dot dot dot. As I was writing this, I was opening his splits page. Not to kick a dead cat bounce, but meouch. His month averages: .229, .340, .202, .205 and .167. So, not slow in the 2nd half, as much as every month outside of May. Call him Mayzara. Actually, I think that is his name.
Martin Perez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.18. If you listened to the Stream-o-Nator, you might’ve streamed Martin. Then you can add an S in front of his name and insert that black guy pointing to his head meme.
Rafael Montero – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.06. Rafael was always my least favorite turtle. And that includes Jerry Ferrara.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in the past four games. As you might say to 1-800-Flores, “I’d like to make this out to ‘Hot Schmotato.'”
Jake Odorizzi – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.38, as he was activated from the DL, but left after being hit by a line drive on the foot. X-rays were negative. Oddly enough, the last thing that was caught off a Red Sox bat was by his foot.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Batty call! I grabbed him yesterday because he had four homers (now five) off Porcello in 29 at-bats. *blows knuckles, wipes knuckles on shirt, realizes knuckles were covered in tomato sauce, mom picks up rolling pin* “You’re wasting the marinara!”
Adeiny Hechavarria – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 3rd hit this season! Kidding, but only kinda.
Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th steal, and his fifth steal in the last week. It all started about five days ago, which sounds like voiceover from Stand By Me. No, five days ago John Farrell said Benintendi would be an elite baserunner, and he’s stolen nearly every game since.
George Springer – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Hold on one second, I’m leaving an outgoing message, ‘Get him your lineup!’ Okay, how can I help you?”
Derek Fisher – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Fisher’s been miserably bleh, and now he’s hitting ninth. I hope they teach Fisher to hit, but right now I have to eat and can’t wait around.
Nicky Delmonico – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .400. Why doesn’t Nicky Delmonico and Trey Mancini have a lounge act? Too many lounge singers spoil the cool jazz? Delmonico will play as long as Matt Davidson is on the DL, and could hit for a little power. More of a schmotato-slash-deep league play.
Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. You know I’m still a cyclops with a monocle on this guy for next year.
Miguel Gonzalez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it’s at a weird time, then who knows if it’s right the 2nd time because you’re sleeping.
Brian Dozier – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (22) and legs (11), and 3rd homer in four games. Oh boy or five girls, here comes 2nd half Dozier.
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, and his 11th steal, hitting .500 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Whit Merrifield – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th steal, hitting .300. Maybe it’s his last name, but I’m happy for Merrifield. Seems like a guy who’s really had to work for it. Ugh, I can never sound sincere.
Yadier Molina – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs, and his 14th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Last night, Molina homered right after a cat ran onto the field. In related news, the Cardinals will be playing future home games in a 46-year-old, single woman’s home.
Jose Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and hitting in the two hole, and he better not have somehow supplanted Pham. Pham’s fam, man!
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 33rd homer. Cody Launchangler missed a month! Yes, I’m going to keep saying this.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer. Au Shizz!
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.37 vs. Zack Greinke – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, ERA at 3.14. This matchup was billed as, “If you own both of these guys, no amount of lousy pitchers could’ve screwed you up.”
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (25, 26). He’s a long ball machine, which sounds like something an old man would use to put on his pants. “Trying to close my zipper. Martha, get me my long ball machine.”
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. He’s gotta step it up on power across the final seven weeks if he’s hoping to get to his usual 27 homers. Otherwise, I might start the narrative that he exceeded in 2016, but his three-year average after 2017 will be exactly at his usual 27-homer, .260 season. Don’t make me start narratives, this is not VH1 Storytellers!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Fun fact! His name anagrams to ‘my taco jet,’ which is a Mexican airlines.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer, and third homer in three games. Bet if his name was Khris Davos, people would love him. Until then, impossible to change the Stannis quo.
Manuel Margot – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Lots of people asking to drop Margot. But taking a page from Khris Davos, what if he were MarGOT? Then you like him? You’re a bunch of Brans! Margot’s decent for speed, occasional power and runs.
Wil Myers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .238. He now has 16 road HRs. Or sixteen times he’s said, “Can they build mile-high stilts for Petco?”
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and two triples. So, he does have speed, clearly. Can you steal more bases, doode?!
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.45 vs. Sean Newcomb – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.45. This matchup was billed as, “Use the Stream-o-Nator or Jer-khoff with a Newcomb.”
Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.21. Three starts forward, and one start where he can’t get out of the sixth vs. Cesar Puello, Kaleb Cowart, Juan Graterol and Kay Fortywhythreebee. Three of those are real players and one is my PIN, and you have no idea which is which.
C.J. Cron – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Every time Cron goes up to bat he has a Sophie’s Choice to make. If he does nothing, he plays. If he homers, the Sciosciapath benches him in the next game.
Ivan Nova – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.87. And now has only one good start since June 22nd, and I’ve been telling you to drop him for about a month. We’re now about 18 hours away from the Pirates saying Nova is dealing with a dead arm and/or the Pirates fan who gave Ray Searage a portrait of himself made in black and yellow dyed candy corn asking for said portrait back.
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. His xFIP is still an unsightly 4.72, but huge props to him if he can get his season-long ERA down to respectability after being so bad all year. Actually, he gets no props. He’s got Kate Upton. He gets nothing else.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .250. Look at Kinsler trying to extend his own personal trading deadline.
Willson Contreras – Limped off the field with a pulled hamstring. He’ll be out for at least fifteen days is my guess, but you don’t care because you punted catcher. You didn’t punt catcher? Oops.
Kyle Hendricks – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.70. Hey, it’s the King of Under Five Innings. What’s up, King of Under Five Innings, say hello to your mother for me.
Mark Melancon – Aiming to return this weekend. Since he’s had elbow issues, I wouldn’t drop Sam Dyson as soon as Melancon returns, but I know Dyson is like a Mission Impossible message and will self-destruct any second now.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.71. I won’t own Bumgarner next year just because he’ll be drafted too high, but for his sake I’d love to see him shut down early to ready himself for 2018. Okay, I have two wishes for Bumgarner. I’d also like to see a Topps card with him getting a piggyback from Scooter Gennett.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer. Cool that The Gangly Manbird unretired for this game. *intern whispers in my ear* I’m told Pence has been playing all year. Hmm, not sure if we can corroborate that.
Troy Tulowitzki – Officially ruled out for season. Backdate that to March.
CC Sabathia – His knee MRI came back clean, much to every Yankee fans’ disappointment. “Hey, CC Bagadonuts, I’ll dirty your knee for you.” That’s a Yankee fan who works at a pizzeria, construction site or Tony ‘n Tina’s Wedding.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Also, in this game, Didi Gregorius (3-for-5, 3 runs) hit his 18th homer and Gary Sanchez (2-for-5) also hit his 18th homer. They were fortunate enough to face Tepesch, who should be passed over, but the Jays are goyim.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.59. In March, “This guy in my league drafted Gio as his ace.” In August, “I have a guy in my league that is a time traveller.” Speaking of leagues (awkward segue alert!), our fantasy football leagues are signing up. Go there, and do that.
Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer, hitting .310. You know what’s gonna happen, right? You know, right? You’re gonna draft him next year and he’s going to hurt his back in March, play hurt for three months, look awful, then get DL’d. There is no other outcome possible.
Stephen Strasburg – Threw a simulated game yesterday. He struck out three mimes.