This weekend, my Cougar’s dog had diarrhea all over my foot. So, I wrote a list of Don’ts and taped it to his bed. 1. Do not poop my foot. 2. Do not ever poop my foot. Seriously. 3. There’s no three. Now if you were to switch out “foot,” with “fantasy team” that could’ve been Mark Reynolds prior to this weekend. Carrying him on your team, you may as have been walking behind him with a plastic bag and a spray bottle. It was like Mini Donkey forgot all the brays that was heaped on him in the past and why. You strikeout, Mini Donkey, but you also homer. Without the latter, you’re not reaching your heights. Pun point! This weekend he put on a show in The Home They Built Across The Street From The Home Ruth Built. He had two two (stutterer!) homer games out of three and 7 RBIs. As you should know if you’re reading this, Reynolds likes to hit them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana. If he’s on your waivers, I’d grab him immediately. A ten homer month from Mini Donkey wouldn’t shock me (though, it would make me pleasantly surprised). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Chris Tillman – Left yesterday’s start with elbow stiffness. In related news, Dr. James Andrews’s beeper went off in the middle of Sunday’s third mimosa.
Curtis Granderson – Went for an MRI because he had moans over his hammy. He’ll just need a day or two to recoup. Our prayers, however sarcastic, are with him.
Brandon Inge – Out with season-ending shoulder surgery. On a side note, if I had my own dry rub, I’d call it the season-ender and I’d have Lawrence Taylor in the commercials (when he wasn’t in jail). How fierce would that be? More fierce if I didn’t say it was fierce? Perhaps.
A.J. Griffin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks as he returned from the DL on Saturday. Alfredo Jettucini ended up taking Colon’s spot instead of Straily, so what does that mean for us? He’s the one that should be owned, especially in home games. There could be some solid mixed league value, but he’s not more than a streamer. Stream-o-Nator, “You owe me a nickel for using the word ‘streamer.’ Perriwinkle Mauvestein, ESQ. will be in touch.”
Josh Willingham – Should be fine to go in the next day or so as he sat out yesterday with a “slight” hamstring strain. Those are the Twins quotes, not mine. Usually quotes on Twins are like $1200 for a night, depending on the service.
Ricky Romero – 1 IP, 7 ER. I’m gonna reiterate what I’ve said before aforementionedly on the previous tip because I feel bad for Romero and he needs someone to defend him, and I’m a hero (in my own mind). Without the Jays’ pitcher injuries, they would’ve sent Romero to the Disgraceful List about two months ago. Really hoping they’re not ruining his career by continually sending him out there. He needs to be sat for the final month; he’s off the grid like Pete from Mad Men with no working toilet and living next to a 650-pound rock in Topanga Canyon.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Indians are listing him day-to-day with a sore wrist. Here’s a word of advise for September, in general. With the expanded rosters, teams won’t DL players and just let them sit on their bench for a day or 10 days. They’ll also call more serious injuries day-to-day because there’s no reason to say he’s gone for ten days when there’s no DL’ing anyway. Not saying this is the case with Asdrubal; Cust kayin’.
Brandon League – Got Saturday’s save, and Mattingly said he would share save opportunities with Belisario. You want one guy getting the saves, so this is not a great shituation, obviously. I dropped Belisario for Cashner and just went with League in a 12 team mixed league. I don’t have room for both, but maybe your league is different, or League, as the case may be. Yesterday, Belisario entered a losing game in the 9th inning, but it was at home so it doesn’t mean anything, not like there ever would’ve been a lead to protect. As for Kenley, it’s sounding pretty serious, and not pretty as in, “Yo, can I get your number, you is pretty.” There’s a good chance that Kenley will be shutdown for the year.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 37th homer as he hit a homer Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This Labor Day weekend, Edwin did work.
Andrelton Simmons – Could return from the DL next weekend. He could easily go 6/8. That’s runs and RBIs. There’s no reason for excitement outside of keeper leagues. Unless you have a side bet in your league that Andrelton Simmons will return before September 9th. But if that’s the case, you might have a gambling problem.
Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. I said he’d hit 4 homers this week. He hit 3. Sue me! (The preceding was made in jest. What are you going to sue me for? A piece of Razzball? Here take the month of November from 2009. I hear Jason Heyward is a sleeper.)
Chris Nelson – 1-for-4 with a homer. He was in this past Friday’s Buy, but, as said there, he was more about this weekend while the Rockies were in Coors. (FWIWuertz, I’d own Colvin for away games too.)
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4 with his first homer as he filled in for Kinsler, who was out with a stiff back. I already went over my Jurickson Profar 2012 fantasy. To sum it up, he will be good, not this year due to playing time. And that’s me condensing 300 words into 11!
David Murphy – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. I touted David Murphy for about two weeks straight. Then I burped, and moved on to some other hot schmotato. It doesn’t make Murphy less valuable; I had gas.
Alejandro De Aza – Activated from the DL and homered last night. He should go on the DL more often!
Tony Abreu – 3-for-4 as he started in front of Johnny Giavotella. Nothing to see with Witness Protection Program Abreu, he can play a bunch of different positions without much success, i.e., he’s a futility player.
John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Now has hits in 8 of his last 10 games (with 2 homers) and is hitting over .350 in the last week. He could give you (and the Phils, for that matter) the same value as Pence over the final month. Grab him for the limited edition, hot schmotato Jr.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 1/3 IP, o ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.14. You know what I find funny in a not funny at all type way? No one is owning Iwakuma when he’s actually performing, but when February Grey gets around to ranking starters, I guarantee people will think he’s too low, or be excited to draft him.
Tyler Greene – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer. The Lastros shortstop now has one more home run than Troy Tulowitzki. I’m sorry if that caused you to run into traffic. You know how when you type something into Google it gives you the most likely autofill suggestions? Well, for most players, it’s girlfriend or is Jewish? But for Troy Tulowitzki it’s injury. That’s not because he’s clearly a Gentile gay man.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 with his 29th homer. Next year when you look at his 30+ homers, you won’t remember that he was cold for two and a half months this year. I know this much is true, huh huh huh hu-uh huh, Spandau Ballet.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks as his innings move to 156 1/3. That leaves two more starts for him. Or two hundred tries to win a SpongeBob plushie at this month’s state fair.
Shelby Miller – Cards promoted him as anticipated. I just went over my Shelby Miller fantasy. Unfortch, he’s going to be in a long relief role. For the Cards next trick, they will zap Shelby Miller’s fantasy value for this year.
David Wright – 0-for-4, 1 RBI. In 357 ABs since I labeled him a Sell on May 18th, he has the line of 51/13/57/.277/8. Of course, when you tell people to Sell someone, they call you stupid when the player has a good month right after you said sell, but then those same people disappear when the player goes cold for the following two months. See also Mark Trumbo.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 24th steal. Since I’m in one of those moods, I told you to Buy Desmond Jennings on June 29th. Since then he has 8 homers, 12 steals and a .267 average in 217 ABs. It’s about a 24 homer, 36 steal pace on the year for a leadoff hitter. I had nothing to go on for that Buy other than Matthew Berry telling people to drop him. It’s foolproof! Or maybe that’s proofed by a fool.
Garrett Jones – 3-for-3, 3 runs and his 23rd homer. I will call you a poor man’s Willingham — Willingspam.
James McDonald – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER as his fantasy owners found a rat in their McRatios.
Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and a double helping of legs (12). I don’t own Weeks anywhere, but I actually hope he has a huge September, so he’s overdrafted again next year. There’s some people who can’t help themselves when it comes to Weeks. “Hey, Grey, are you wearing pants in your photo? Also, how about Weeks? Sleeper?” That’s you next March.
Yovani Gallardo – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Just realized something. He only pitches poorly when it’s most obvious. In April, he pitches poorly when you have no previous months to remind you why you drafted him. Then, on Sunday, when you need a good start for your H2H playoffs! YoGa, you’re supposed to relieve stress?!
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 15th homer and on Saturday he stole 2 bases. I know he’s a pretty terrible hitter, in the general sense. But in the specific sense, he has 15 homers and 30 steals on the year. Don’t you think it’s about time you gave him a chance on your team? Did he burn you in the past? Are you holding a grudge? Even Eminem dropped and picked up Kim a few times. Give him another chance already.
Chase Headley – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (14) in Coors. I have a special surprise for you. One of our Denver readers, Pip, went to the Rockies-Padres game on Sunday, and we gave him a dreamcatcher to bring with him. Here’s what he got when he pointed the dreamcatcher towards Headley, “Headley’s dreams were muddled images in a stream-of-consciousness-type way. At first, he was dreaming of a 50-feet tall, 50,000 pound Tony Gwynn sitting on Petco and crushing it. Then newspapers spun out like in old-timey films and it said the Padres would play their home games in Coors. Then Giant Tony Gwynn was hanging out with regular-sized Kyle Blanks and they were the same size. Then Headley was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf. Then he got shipwrecked on an island with the Skipper, Mary-Anne, Ginger, Professor and J.P. Howell and the only place the Professor let him play baseball was in a stadium that looked like Petco.” Fascinating stuff, thanks, Pip!
Andrew Cashner – He’s back and in the Padres’ six-man rotation for the ROS or UHGH (Until He Gets Hurt). Yes, you should own him. Yes, now.
Alexi Amarista – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Sometimes you get a week with one steal and no hits from Amarista, sometimes your Amarista gives you a free grande latte and two biscotti.
Pablo Sandoval – Bochy announced that the club would like Pablo to lose some weight in the offseason. Giants are willing to do their part. After he hits a game-winning homer, they plan on smashing a salad into his face.