This won’t only be a Buy on Anthony Rendon but also a Sell on Danny Espinosa since he’s used up all my hospitality, and I’m the Florence Nightingale of hospitality if she was known for hospitality and not just being in hospitals. I’m the Sean Penn of hospitality, refusing awards for my hospitality. I Desmond effin’ Tutu of hospitality! Yeoman Albright, my great4 grandfather, invented the word hospitality, and Espinosa is nailing me to the Red Cross of hospitality?! How dare you, sir? How. Dare. You. He’s not a .160-ish player, but he is only a .230-ish player and right now he’s not even hitting homers. The clock is tick-tick-ticking on Rendon being called up to replace him, and I’m officially done with Espinosa (which, of course, will start him up). Depending on your league size, now is the time to stash Rendon. He’s probably 7-10 days away. Here’s what I said recently about him, “Rendon is gonna be a great one…some day. Damn, the fantasy baseball fortune cookie ending! Yeah, I’m not sure he’s ready just yet, but he’s worth a flyer in all leagues. I grabbed him in one league where I have Moustakas, because I’m tired of seeing that gyro-eating-motherfu– Let’s just say I’m tired of Moustakas. Best case scenario, Rendon stays up and hits for a solid average and gives high-teen power with some very light speed. Worst case scenario, Rendon shows up at your house at 3 AM and asks to sleep on your couch, which seems fine at first, then he tells you he has no place to live, stays for months, doesn’t ever flush the toilet or fill up the Tang in the fridge, then starts dating your aunt, eventually marries her, making him your uncle, a title he insists you call him.” And that’s me quoting me! Grab Uncle Rendon now, and move on from Espinosa in most leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Belt – There’s guys like, say, Eric Chavez, who are hot right now, but they are what they are. Belt, on the other hand — no, Daddy, stop! — sorry, I had flashbacks after I wrote, ‘Belt, on the other hand.’ Now where was I and why am I in the fetal position? Oh, right, Belt can break out and shoot up in value for the year, not just the week.
Adam Lind – For this guy, I went to the Hitter-Tron and scrolled down until I found a guy who isn’t owned in more than 25% of leagues. What do you think of that, Hitter-Tron? Hitter-Tron, “I like metal hair pie.” Gross!
Chris Carter – He’s owned in 94% of RCL leagues and only in 24% of other ESPN leagues. Doing some quick math tells me 70% of ESPN leagues are abandoned. This also means that 94% of the people who read ESPN’s fantasy columns are doing it for something to mock.
Elliot Johnson – Guarantee you his mom named him after watching that little alien movie done by Spielberg. I feel a lot worse for his sister, Elaine Teresa, who hates when people shorten her name. Oh, and Johnson is good for speed.
DJ LeMahieu – We’re gonna try to look past what the appearance of the son of Pepe LeMahieu in the Buy column means. No, we can’t. How could you do that to Rutledge?! LeMahieu is fine for average and counting stats, no power or speed. He can also spin trance music with a spectacular laser show that makes you want to drink energy drinks and laugh like you’re demented.
Didi Gregorius – How long does it take for you people to add players? Are there 1,000’s of fantasy baseballers trapped under giant piles of phone books?
Yan Gomes – Yan can hit, and so can you!
Jonathan Lucroy – The horny robot, Hitter-Tron, is all about Lucroy. “I also enjoy bouncing a microwave oven on my lap.”
Eric Chavez – He’s hitting nearly .340. Yeah, I don’t believe it either. I hate older players, which makes it odd that I’m marrying a cougar, but I’d grab Chavez while he’s healthy and playing.
Rex Brothers – Supposedly, Betancourt will be fine to pitch today. But you put ‘supposedly’ in one hand and Betancourt’s sore groin in your other hand and you’re going to jail for 7-10 years.
Darren O’Day – Who knows what’s going on with Jim Johnson. Well, Jim Johnson, Showalter and presumably the entire Orioles front office knows, but we don’t. That’s not cool. Why you trying to play us out like that, B-More?
Chad Qualls – In five years, we’ll look back on this week and think, “Was that the week Amanda Bynes got naked on Twitter?” But the 2nd thing you’ll think is, “Was that the week when there were a bunch of closers to grab?”
Brandon McCarthy – I didn’t love him coming into the year, but that was to draft him, I would grab him off waivers. I’m easy like that. Buy me a drink and throw 17 straight scoreless innings, and I’ll grab ya.
Kevin Gausman – I just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and go down, it’ll burn at least 4 calories.
Julio Teheran – There’s some concern that Teheran will lose the rotation spot when Beachy returns. Not to get all Jewish grandmother on you, but what concern of that is yours? Just grab him and hope Tim Hudson gets hurt. Unless you own Hudson, then you’re screwed in multiple ways.
Cameron Maybin – Hoping to return next week from a long bout of the Mondays. I don’t think he’s any better than, say, Venable, De Aza or a host of other teen-power, 25-plus steal guys, but he’s around that ballpark. Especially around Venable’s ballpark. In it, actually. In the ballpark. Are we clear?
Michael Brantley – Hey, it’s the Lord of the Dance! Hey, Lord of the Dance, say hello to your mother for me. Brantley could steal 40 bases with ten homers. Will he? Not even close, but I think he’s physically capable of it, which boggles my mind why he doesn’t.
Delmon Young – He’s nothing but a hot schmotato, but there’s a place for that.
Logan Morrison – People keep asking me (maybe two people total), “What is going on with Morrison? Should we pick him up? Do you subscribe to the theory that sardine oil makes a mustache thicker?” In order: Morrison is currently working his way back to the majors and is about 10 days to two weeks away. You should pick him up in NL-Only leagues and mixed leagues deeper than 14 team. He’s been getting by for a while on good vibes and bad farts. He really hasn’t looked since May of 2011. Sure, in July of 2011 he hit 6 homers, but also .212. Last year, he had an April of a .310 average and two homers. He hasn’t been 12-team mixed league viable in over two years. He’s coming back to play for the MIA Marlins in Crayola Canyon. Nothing is inspiring here. Yes, sardine oil can thicken your mustache, but make sure you tell your wife what you’re doing otherwise she might think you’re sleeping with your secretary.
Will Venable – Better than looking at what he’s done, on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater you can now see how Will, uh, will do. For outfielders, he will be better this season than Werth, Span, Saunders, Cain…Sugar! and Moss, to name a few that are owned in more leagues.
David Murphy – About a week ago, I said he usually gets scorching hot for two weeks at a time. In the last week, he has a .300-ish average and two homers. I’ve seen scorching hot, and that, sir and four madams, is not scorching hot, but I’d still grab him.
Domonic Brown – It feels like it’s going to be one of those situations where he doesn’t wow you at any moment during the season, but will end up with solid numbers. Matt Wieters has made this his calling card. Too bad, no one’s needed a calling card in twenty years unless they’re traveling abroad.
Johnny Cueto – I can’t imagine a pitcher getting re-injured, especially not one who pitches for Dusty. Actually, that’s the first recipe for disaster followed immediately by doing six shots of tequila and then pulling next to a cop at a red light and asking him for directions.
Mark Reynolds – Can you get something for him prior to him hitting .190 for three months straight? I don’t know, but I’d check on it.
Jose Reyes – I hear he’s going to come back in record time — maybe even late June! Or at least that’s what you tell someone right before you ask them if they have any interest in trading for him. Where does Reyes get his value? His legs? That’s correct. Okay, is his injured foot connected to one of his legs? Yes, right again. If you think there’s no way Reyes could have a totally lost season, ask someone who owned him in 2009. Ask them in a NSFW-friendly environment though, just in case they lose it.
Troy Tulowitzki – First let me ask you this, if you own Tulowitzki, will you hire four guys to walk around him with bubble wrap for the remainder of the year? If you answered yes, I love your dedication and will write you a postcard when you’re locked up in the loony bin. If you answered no, I’d be excited that I got 40-ish RBIs and 10-ish homers already, figure there’s at least a 30% chance he doesn’t finish with 90 RBIs and 25 homers due to an injury and trade him. I wouldn’t trade him for an airplane seat next to Graham Elliot, but I would explore offers.