The Cuban legend goes that Aroldis Chapman once threw a fastball so hard that it caused Fidel Castro to say, “I haven’t seen something so beautiful since a young Charo.” Knowing that Fidel is a huge Charo fan, that’s not mild praise. (Fidel co-wrote Charo’s unauthorized biography, “My Cuchi-Cuchi” with Kitty Kelly.) The problem with our Cuban friend, Aroldis, and it’s a pretty major problem, there’s no spot for him in the rotation and he’s been pitching strictly as a reliever for a month or so. He’s on his way to the majors and I’m foaming at the mouth to own him in keepers and leagues next year. He can be a top 25 starter next year. Alas, for this year, you’re looking at a long man out of the bullpen. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brian Duensing – Okay, I’ve mentioned him now to the point where it’s going to start to seem like I really3 like him. His K/9 was terrible in the minors and not much better in the majors. He has been able to keep his ratios all tidy-like and he gets the Indians next. I’ll buy that for a dollar! (Not much more though.)
Daniel Hudson – Is it Dan or Daniel? Can we get a ruling on that? I’m more bullish in NL-Only leagues on Hudson, but he has the stuff to make a difference in mixed leagues.
Yunesky Maya – Let’s see what I said the other day, “He left Cuba with a 2.51 ERA in six years. You can think of Cuban ball as Triple-A with less capitalism. Might see Maya in the majors in the next few weeks, depending on how his starts go. In NL-Only leagues and keepers, I’d grab Maya now while the rest of your league is sleeping. In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d wait to see how his minor league starts go.” And that’s me quoting me!
James McDonald – Nice K-rate, terrible team for wins, potential trouble with walks, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions on a sesame bun.
Mike Minor – I just bounced your brains over the fence for a ground rule double with my Mike Minor fantasy.
Joel Hanrahan – You know what he’s getting in Pittsburgh. He’s getting saves. A’la Ric Flair, “Wooooooo!”
Drew Storen – Clippard’s pretty unusable right now and Burnett’s a lefty. Storen’s the man to own, so why is he unowned in 65% of ESPN leagues? Because 64% of ESPN leagues are abandoned. You make sure you’re not in that 1%.
Aaron Heilman – SAGNOF!
Chris Perez – Honestly, he should’ve been owned at least a month ago so if you’re in a league where he’s unowned (30% of ESPN leagues), then you’re not reading this anyway. So I can write anything here and you won’t read it. So… I was the one who finished your milk, didn’t flush the toilet that time – you know the one, pulled the string on your favorite t-shirt that made it unravel and cut you off on your way home from work. And I’m not sorry!
Omar Infante – In your RP slot is about the only place he’s not eligible to play. If you’re looking for runs and average, you could do worse. Aaron Miles, for instance, he’d be worse.
Neil Walker – If you get an erection for longer than 15 minutes after picking up Neil Walker, you should see a doctor. But he is hitting right now.
Luke Scott – In 290 ABs, he has a line of 46/20/47/.286/1. Markakis has a line of 49/8/39/.291/4 in 412 ABs. Zoinks!
Chris Johnson – In the last ten games, he’s batting .444 with 3 homers, 7 Runs and 12 RBIs. Put it another way, 7/3/12/.444. Yet, one more way, Pick/Him/Up/Now.
Alex Gordon – “What’s with all the guys on this crizzappy teams?” asks your inner monologue. The good teams are vying for the playoffs and not giving these Razzbags a chance.
Kila Ka’aihue – Now if the Royals just called up Mike Moustakas and started serving Spam kabobs at all home games. Why am I not in charge of a major league team? Or at least in charge of a major league team’s concessions?
J.P. Arencibia – I just went over my Arencibia fantasy. Find your way there.
Peter Bourjos – You know the episode where Alex P. Keaton takes speed pills and starts moving a mile a minute in his rolling chair? That’s Bourjos.
Jay Bruce – What a disappointment. I’m unfriending him on Facebook. We’re through.
Carlos Santana – Hey, Rob Thomas called. He hopes your knee surgery goes smooth.
Vladimir Guerrero – Has anyone else seen the Walking with Dinosaurs ‘stunning theatrical event?’ Pretty cool (if you’re 12). So I was watching one of these lumbering beasts. Let’s call him Vladasaurus, cause I don’t remember what they called him. So Vladasaurus was moving through his natural, artificially recreated habitat and then he began getting days off. The robot trainers, or what have you, wanted Vladasaurus to be fresh for the postseason or whatever they called it. This had the opposite result and Vladasaurus ended up looking rusty and not knowing whether he was coming or going. Then, one day, Vladasaurus jumped into the stands and mauled a man body painted in the Oakland A’s green and gold. I wouldn’t trade Vladasaurus for LukeScottasaurus, but they could be closer than you might think.