If any good can come from Joey Votto going to the DL with a strained quad, at least he didn’t try to play this weekend and have a set back. Well, there’s other good that can come of it. We can be thankful for our own health. Actually, that’s BS, I’d give my quad to have a healthy Votto. I don’t need my quad to type up my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. I got acumen for days! You know what a smart Indian chef uses? Acumen. Take it, Highlights magazine, it’s yours! Fortch, Votto sounds like he should be back in the minimum fifteen days. Here’s hoping, I got hard-hit singles I need hit! In tangentially related news, Reds manager, Bryan Price, said Jay Bruce would return “very, very soon,” then he was activated from the DL. I’d go as far as saying that was very, very, very soon. Bryan Price added “Very, very soon,” I will buy a thesaurus. That’s a very, very good idea! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alfredo Simon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.31. It’s obvious what’s going on here, the Regression Fairies are afraid of Simon, whose idea of regression to the mean is falling back on the old habits of shooting people.
Zack Cozart – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .227. Hey, Marla Gibbs called, she wants her address back!
Gio Gonzalez – To play catch on Friday. I’d use a pelota and a cesta, that jai alai just seems like fun!
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 3.42. Doesn’t Tanner Roark sound like the love child of Ricardo Montalban and George Hamilton? No? Maybe it’s me. Roark is the stereotypical NL-Only starter or mixed league streamer. I concur with the Stream-o-Nator that his next start is solid.
Denard Span – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, which comes after his 5-for-5 day. Won’t you join me in picking him up? C’mon, our interests will be aligned and it’ll be fun and then we’ll go for Fribbles at Friendly’s after the game (we won’t go for Fribbles after the game).
Prince Fielder – Won’t travel with the team. Up until now, it was only his bats that weren’t traveling with the team.
Nick Tepesch – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Tepesch said he left the last two-thirds of the 7th inning to be finished by the Ghost of Elijah.
James Paxton – Nearing rehab assignment after missing two months with a lat strain. People have returned quicker after being bitten by the monkey from Outbreak.
Logan Morrison – Could begin a rehab assignment on Friday. Or as LoMo would prefer, hashtag rehab!
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I don’t own him anywhere, but I hope he gets hot cause I got dolla-dolla bills, y’all on the M’s winning the World Series. Wow, that sounds a lot more ridiculous than when they looked good the first five days of the season.
Matt Lindstrom – Will have ankle surgery and miss three months. Too bad, so sad. Grab Ronald Belisario! Ventura named him the closer. Will he be good? What difference does it make? SAGNOF! (Though he had only given up one run in the last 18 1/3 IP, so he can be good. As good as the White Sox got at least. Okay, someone get me out of this parenthetical. A little help here!)
Chris Sale – Will return to the rotation on Thursday vs. the Yankees. Sale’s 12-year-old self would be quivering. On the fo’really, it will be interesting to see how well he returns from his elbow problems. I’m guessing not very well, but we shall see. Or not. Your choice.
Evan Reed – Charged with sexual assault after he allegedly drugged a 45-year-old woman. Hey, that’s how I met my wife!
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 6 ER. Only one person happy to see Ervin fail, Donald Sterling.
Kyle Lohse – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Braves, but his ERA is at 2.67, and he’s pitching perfectly respectable this season. 7+ K/9, sub-2 BB/9, 3.65 xFIP. That’s meh/decent/nice, which put through the 90’s rap translator is “They call meh, D-Nice.”
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4, and a grand slam in the 1st inning. Due to Prince Fielder being sidelined, I had Mini Donkey in my lineup, so by default this was the most helpful Fielder’s been on my team all year.
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. The interesting race that no one is talking about is who will have more fantasy value this year: CarGo or CarGomez. Right now, CarGomez has him edged on the Player Rater and CarGo’s owners hope it goes down to the last weekend of the season, because that would mean CarGo is still healthy.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-6, 3 runs 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Calm scene, wind blows through the trees, leaves bristle. Suddenly, a pimply-faced teenager runs into frame, screams, “Zombino!” and runs off, followed by thousands of people.
Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, ERA up to 4.02. I wonder how many teams have a closer whose ERA is above that of the setup man. I don’t wonder enough to actually look it up, but still.
Michael Bourn – 3-for-6, 2 runs, hitting .267 on the year and that was at .250 about a week ago. The Indians are scoring buckets of runs lately, and Bourn has been at the top of that. Maybe he’ll even start running a lot again, assuming Bourn remembers his identity.
David Murphy – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting near-.550 in the last week with three homers. The hottest schmotato in the land!
John Axford – 1/3 IP, 1 ER. For all you lamebrains (me) who thought Axford would be back in the closer role soon, think again! Take it easy on yourself, Grey, and stop talking in third person. It’s weird.
Buster Posey – Didn’t start his 2nd day in a row with nerve irritation in his back. He needs to stretch out, maybe try downward facing dog, Posey.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, average is up to .222. It was at .204 when I told you to buy him. Like the ghost boy in the window of Three Men and a Baby, Sandoval is not dead.
Matt Cain – Left yesterday’s start with a hamstring strain. The Fantasy Baseball Overlord would’ve made it an arm injury, but heard Cain had a pick-up soccer game going this weekend. FBO, you are unyielding in your resentment for all that is healthy!
Carlos Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with index finger inflammation. Mom always said it was impolite to point.
Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Phil Hughes (7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks) in a battle of an actual Hodgepadre vs a wannabe Hodgepadre. The wannabe, Phil, has an ERA of 3.15, the real Hodgepadre has an ERA of 2.64. Why hello there?! I don’t fully trust either, but there’s nothing in their peripherals that is screaming this is due to luck. I mean, a tad. Neither are this good, but they’re not that bad either. Obviously, I like Ross: Pitch for Less better.
Seth Smith – 3-for-4, hitting .339 on the year. Thath amathballth!
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Felix Doubront – Hit the DL after bumping his shoulder on the car door. That’s why I jump into my car Dukes of Hazzards-style.
Clay Buchholz – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 6.32. The good news is the sky was partly cloudy at game time, so he didn’t get sunburn without his suntan lotion.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two more homers (12, 13). The slide show opens with a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. then Mahatma Gandhi then a baby picture of Edwin Encarnacion. When Edwin gets on stage, he needs two swirling spotlights like at a grand opening, and the spotlight should be in the front so his giant shadow behind him appears to be looming over him, protecting him. That’s an entrance fit for Edwin.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Okay, but what about Edwin?
Drew Hutchison – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, which comes after a 6-strikeout shutout, which follows a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER game. I.e., I before E except in Teixeira, he’s capable of solid games, but he’s also risky.
George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, but hurt his hip diving back to first base on a pick-off. He was diagnosed with a hip flexor strain and a DL stint sounds likely. The good news, if there can be any from this, the Astro fans can now take as long as they need going on bathroom breaks.
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Houston gives no room for wins — McHugh’s will lose! — but his peripherals are purdy darn purdy, 9.7 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and 3.32 xFIP. I probably won’t own him either, but I could see streaming him.
Jered Weaver – 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Asstros. I’d say why doesn’t Weaver pick on someone as ugly as him, but yesterday I believe he did.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, but left the game after a Matt Adams foul ball hit his elbow. It’s like the universe is conspiring to remove elbows so everyone walks like Victor Martinez, the Zombino. After the incident, Matt Adams callously commented, “Wacha should have more fat on his elbow.” Wacha said he should be fine; not if the universe has anything to say about it.
Matt Adams – 3-for-5 and a steal as the pitcher let him get an 89 foot lead.
Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .234, which works for the Dewey Decimal system but not so great for fantasy. Thankfully, he should be much better. If someone were betting me on that, I’d go Allen.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. This start comes after I told you he was worth picking up. Second verse, same as the first!
Chris Tillman – 1 IP, 6 ER. Why is there fruit punch on the back of my shorts? Wait, that’s not fruit punch! It’s blood! But I didn’t eat Olestra! Oh my God, Tillman!!! Goodbye, and please don’t write, it will only remind me of this horror show.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Sure glad I drafted Norichika Aoki instead of Cruz. *opens window, jumps out, lands in rose bush that is one story down* Dah!
Wandy Rodriguez – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, but 5 unearned runs. See that, Tillman? That’s how you get rocked, you schmohawk!
Ike Davis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, which comes a day after he homered. The Pirates are protecting him from lefties, which they should, but if you’re in the mood to platoon a 1st baseman while you wait for, say, Abreu to return. I could see grabbing Ike, which isn’t quite saying I like him.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-2 and a solo homer, his 10th homer, which was the only hit against Erik Bedard (5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks) or any Rays pitcher yesterday, and the A’s won 3-2. That’s how well the A’s are playing right now. They get one hit, a solo homer, and win a 3-2 game. Joe Maddon had the umps replay the scoreboard changing, but it stood.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.46. Fun fact! When Jeff’s dad was telling the nurse in the hospital how to spell their last name, he put his hand over his mouth, forgetting how to spell the end.
Junior Lake – 3-for-6 and his 5th steal. Hitting over .300 in the last week with a homer, but still not playing every day. Lake and Corey Dickerson should start their own team called The Grey Really Wants Them To Play All-Stars. I could manage it.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 1 run. I own him and he’s hitting well for me, so don’t take this the wrong way, but there is some serious Yankee bias with fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). No other way to explain how he shot up to 100% owned after a ten day hot streak and a guy like, say, Todd Frazier isn’t even owned in 100% of leagues.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. OZUNA! OZUNA chomp chomp, OZUNA enjoy run production, OZUNA take nap, ears hurt from capped name.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBI. For Yelich, this was better than the The Suite Life of Zack & Cody finale.
Garrett Jones – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Hitting over .450 in the last week with a homer and 8 RBIs. Yes, hot schmotato. Yes, own.
Domonic Brown – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Damn, even when he hits a homer I see his stat line and hear a sad trombone.
Cody Asche – 2-for-5, 1 run and hitting close to .400 in the last week, but had the misfortune of having to tell Yelich he wasn’t the Cody on The Suite Life.
Eric Campbell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He was hitting .355 in the minors with three homers and steals, but he’s old for a prospect and is likely just being used as a llama, which will leave you thirsty for more.
Jacob DeGrom – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and two straight Quality Starts and two losses. Welcome to the Mets, we’re in Flushing, like the toilet. Like I insisted for my wedding march, here’s comes deGrom, here comes deGrom, his mustache has its own bedroom, here comes deGrom. He could be a number three or four starter eventually, right now, he’s a matchups play in mixed leagues. The Stream-o-Nator is about as excited about his next start as it’s going to be, so be careful if you have high blood pressure because he’s coming with a grain of salt.
Wilmer Flores – 3-for-4, hitting .318 since called up. His career started on a stut-stut-stutter due to the flu, which was more of a vicious strain of the inflorenza, but he’s healthy now and hitting.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks. Solid start back from the DL. If all his starts can be this good, we’ll have a number three starter and all Ryu was cracked up to be. Look at me having faith in Ryu!
Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, and 3rd in as many games. Either he’s reverted back to who he was prior to 2012 and 2013 or the bottom will drop out. Unless he, and not Ponce de Leon, found the Fountain of Youth, I’d bet that the bottom drops out. Only now, I’d bet a lot less than I would’ve a month ago.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. And this little Pweeg went deep!
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd in three games. Uh-oh, his insouciance is about to give way to his God-given ability.
Juan Uribe – Hit the DL with a severe hamstring strain. At third base, the Dodgers will probably go with Justin Turner, who isn’t good at, how do I say this, baseball. He’s not even good for slap hits like his uncle, Ike.
Alex Guerrero – Will miss five weeks after having his ear bit off by Miguel Olivo. Perhaps the Dodgers shouldn’t have hired this ex-Cardinal as a roving instructor. Guerrero will now have to wear a Little League helmet in the field, giving John Olerud a chance to finally laugh at someone. Fun times during pop-ups — I got it! What? I got it! What? I got it! Wow, the wind really whistles in here! I got..splat!