Finally, the Red Sox promoted Nomah’s heir apparent — Zandah Bogats! Johnny Pesky and Ted Williams’s frozen head said, “Allaka Xander!” and poof a direct descendant of Cahl Yahstremski, Nomah and former top prospect, Harvey Jod, who died tragically in a parking lot incident, appeared. Drafting a hard A-voweled hitter makes as much sense for the Sox as drafting soft O’s for the Twins: Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau; they still must rue the day they lost out on Joe Charboneau. But, you know, you can’t spell Xander Bogaerts without Red Sox, and he’s got bat and range, to boot. So, here’s looking at you, Bogaerts! Went there, wrote that — Xander Bogaerts fantasy, that is. Now Xander’s here to Bogaert the Red Sox shortstop job. There’s a chance he simply platoons this year. If he’s only used against lefties, his value will be severely diminished in redraft leagues. My guess is he’ll play shortstop vs. lefties, and play some third base vs. righties with Middlebrooks grabbing pine occasionally. Obviously, it wasn’t a great sign last night that he was benched vs. a righty, but it was just one game. I’d grab him in all leagues because his bat is that good. Think of a Puig-type splash at shortstop. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis d’Arnaud – 0-for-3. The Mets announced d’Arnaud would take over as the primary catcher after Buck missed a few games for the birth of his child. Isn’t there some kind of paternity leave laws to stop this? Where’s Gloria Allred when you need her? And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. So, Buck went from prospblock to screwed and now that d’Arnaud is the Mets catcher, I’d grab him in deeper leagues. He has solid power (22+ HRs over a season) and shouldn’t completely kill you in batting average. He was in the Blue Jays system and ofttimes compared to Arencibia, but with a better bat. Bee tee dubya, don’t say ofttimes in conversation, you’ll be wedgied. In keeper leagues, he’s a must-own. He could be on par with Carlos Santana, as early as next year.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 20th homer. According to our Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Shin-Soo Choo and much more valuable than Alex Gordon, Fowler, Jennings, Cespedes, to name a few. This Byrd you cannot cage!
Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. I just picked him up in one of our leagues, which makes no sense whatsoever. He shouldn’t be on waivers in any leagues, let alone a 14-team one. Rudy’s owned Gee for the better part of two months (and might’ve benched him in some match-ups) and has 62 2/3 IP from him and a 2.01 ERA and 1.09 WHIP. If you can’t hold that in every league, you have serious ADHD. Take a pill, it’s affecting your life.
Kyle Gibson – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER. After the game, he was optioned to the Twins– Oops, I mean he was optioned to the minors. Tomato-tomato.
Mike Trout – Sat out yesterday with a tight hammy. Angels are calling him day-to-day. They might just be texting him, not sure.
Albert Pujols – Officially shut down for the year. When I was a young boy with a wispy lip brow, mother told me a healthy Pujols produces crap. She was wrong. That was the only time.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer and his 3rd homer in as many games. He’s held it together a bit better this 2nd half than previous ones, but he’s still batting .242 overall and .225 post-All-Star break, so there’s that.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer and first since June 26th. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and is day-to-day all other times.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals. For Wong’s sake (not sure why, but that made me laugh) and all other rookie position players, you should give them a week after you’ve grabbed them before reevaluating. I know, there’s not much time left, but you got Wong (damn, made me laughed again) so hold Wong (ha!).
Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Don’t count Molina out of the batting title race just yet. (BTW, if you’re counting Molina in or out of the batting title race, you gotta get out and see the sun more.)
Jon Jay – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2nd game in a row with a homer. We got ourselves a full-blown case of the hot schmotatoes!
Jeff Manship – 5 IP, 5 ER in Philly. You think Manship would know that Colorado built this pitching staff…They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road! They built this pitching staff…They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road!
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-3 and his 21st homer. They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road! Sorry, that’s stuck in my head now.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, now hitting in the two hole and batting near.350 in the last week. In fact, the Phillies lineup is all moved around. I call that Ryno-plasty.
David DeJesus – Traded to the Nats for a player to be named later. The player to be named later is zyngawf_532398. At least that’s their Words With Friends username.
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 8 ER. JZ hasn’t looked that bad since Kingdom Come.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer. Hitting near .325 in the last week with an RBI in every game but one. Ramos a bailar en schmotato de caliente.
Jeff Samardzija – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Sit down, over-the-internet friend, you might suffer from Samardzijaphrenia. Symptoms include benching Samardzija when he pitches well, starting him when he pitches poorly and lots of muttering to yourself.
Nate Schierholtz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (17, 18). Hitter-Tron also likes him for the next few days. I know that because I looked at it, then disregarded it and dropped him so I could activate Desmond Jennings. NOOOOOOOOOOOltz! Why do you torture me Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Did I not bring you back a Chipwich when you said you wanted a sweet? Did I not?!
Donnie Murphy – 2-for-4 and two solo homers. He seems to do nothing for weeks then has a huge game out of nowhere. I suppose it’s the luck of the Irish.
Junior Lake – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 5 for his last 8 as it looks like he’s coming alive again. Lake not-so-placid — amiright?!
Angel Pagan – Expected back September 1st. When the Vatican’s chimney expels twelve smoke rings, Angel Pagan will be ready to take over the world with a scary-looking albino. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, Dan Brown wrote it. If you’re relying on Pagan to return to save your team, I’d consider joining a football commenter league. Pagan will be a name to grab if he comes out hitting. If he comes out missing, he’s just another name on the waiver wire trash heap.
Matt Moore – Said he felt good playing catch. Aw, that’s heartwarming. Did Joe Maddon also pat him on the head?
David Price – 5 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks. He just didn’t have his best stuff last night. He didn’t have his worst either. He left that to Jordan Zimmermann.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 and a homer. 7 more to go!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer and 2nd homer in the last four games. No matter how hot he gets, he’ll always be platooned, but if you have room to play him against his strong side, it’s worth the flyer.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. That’s his 2nd homer in the last three games and 3rd this week. Today was also his first multi-hit game all week. Wieters, you taking hitting lessons from J.P. Arencibia? It’s okay to hit a line drive once in a while. Maybe even a ground ball to keep people honest. That was Abraham Lincoln’s mom’s secret with her boy. “Abe, I’m gonna hit you ground balls. It’ll keep you honest.” Actual statement from Abe Lincoln’s mom’s autobiography.
Jarrod Parker – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the M’s in O.co. Obviously, not the toughest of matchups, but it was still a terrific game from Parker, who’s been hit or miss, but in baseball terms those are reversed as to which is positive and negative.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. You’re cute when you’re knocking balls out of the park. Keep being cute, you big oaf.
Donovan Solano – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Not much more than an average hitter, but he has been getting the average lately.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and has a hit in seven straight games and eight of ten. Still no signs of power. (Last homer was July 6th. Wait a minute, July 6th July 6th? Oh, come on, get me out of this parenthetical and get me to the next blurb. I command you, one hundred monkeys on one hundred typewriters that are writing up these roundups! Ling Ling, now!)
Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.41. At least I think it was lowered. When your ERA is that low, it’s hard to be sure. By the by, the first Buy of the year. Buy Jo-Fer and sell Sabathia (also told you to buy Domonic Brown and Jean Segura — which means at that point they were under 50% owned). Okay, I’m now going to jump in my DeLorean and travel back 35 years to impregnate your mom so you can call me daddy.
Matt Kemp – Not expected back before September 1st. I wouldn’t expect him back before September 15th and even then I could see him just playing here and there to prepare for the playoffs. Then all the people who drafted him and watched him ruin their season can watch him pull a Sandoval in the playoffs to get everyone crazy about him again for next year.
Adrian Beltre – 0-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal and a victim of routhenasia. The steal’s nice and all, but the Rangers scored 16 runs. How is it even possible to go 0-for-2 when your team scores that much? Seriously. Ticker tease!
A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Didn’t I ask someone to remind me to pick up Pierzynski for every short schedule day? I help you, don’t I? It’s too much for you to drop in the comments a little, “Nice ‘stache, you lothario beast-man! Oh, and it’s a short schedule day, grab Pierzynski.”
Leonys Martin – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. I owned him at one point. Now I have L.J. Hoes. Eff me! Not you, Hoes.
Daniel Nava – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .500 in the last week, and I already picked him up in one league. Now I can rename my team, The Nava-Hoes.
Jon Lester – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Not an overpowering game K-wise, but definitely didn’t need to register at City Hall as ‘meh’ Lester either.
Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Regression Fairies DVR every episode of Glee, they know the guy that makes the best wheatgrass shot in town and they will Hulk-smash your ERA.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Doode’s playing on another world lately. And that world is called, “About Time You Did Something Sweet.” It’s in the galaxy, “I Know You Were Hurt, But Still.”
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4, 2 runs. We talk a bit about Phillips on the podcast coming later today. Say the previous line again in the movie trailer guy’s voice and it sounds much more exciting.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. How many homers does he need in the last five weeks to redeem himself? 17? Get crackalack’ing, Frazier!
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.53. I never had him this year, but that’s because I was too stubborn to pick him up when it looked like he had turned things around. Regrets, I’ve had a few. But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without baseball’s anti-trust exemption.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 31st homer. He did have 30 when we recorded the podcast and he did hit his 31st on Saturday. You’ll understand what I mean once you listen to the podcast.
Carlos Quentin – Said he’s 50/50 to return. Then he shaved his head as Seth Rogen watched.
Ryan Braun – Claimed the urine collector was an anti-Semite. When reached for comment, Rabbi Schmuley replied, “If chutzpah were cream cheese, Braun could shmear every New Yorker’s bagel and still have some left over for out-of-town guests.”