Don't be shellfish...Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+

And why wouldn’t I? As the District’s most profound half-Irish/half-Korean bachelor, I’m a pretty decent fish in this pretty swampy pond. Razzball Commentator J-Money knows this. How does he know this? If you missed last week’s Razzball Podcast, Nick the Podcast Radio Host announced the first 32in32in32 Tour contest. The first person to find my OkCupid dating profile would win two free tickets to the tour and get a beer from each of us. To be honest, I figured it would take longer then a span of four hours, but I didn’t realize plenty of clues were left during my long tenure here at Razz. Also, I didn’t realize you guys could do stalker so well. MORE OF YOU NEED TO BE WOMEN. That’s the lesson here. Regardless, since it is public record and has been discovered, yes, my dating profile is now available to the Razz-community. Please share it with your sisters and/or mothers. For research I guess. Speaking of research, here’s an online dating pro-tip: Stay away from profiles that have buzz-phrases like… I love to laugh. Really… who doesn’t love to laugh?  I’m a down-to-earth kind of girl. Yeah, gravity will do that to ya. I like going out with friends. No sh*t. I’m looking for a real man. Yeah, all those mannequins dressed up as Joe Manganiello must take up a lot of square footage. Oh, and last one, if they mention drama free or no drama anywhere on their profile, it means they are at the center of it. And we’re talking about a hurricane-rash on Jupiter sized level of drama. Rash’s are contagious. Remember that.

Sooooo, baseball much?

The RCL Top 10

Why the top-10? Because they’re the top-10 teams out of 1,000+? And that’s pretty amazing? I’m Ron Burgundy? Simply put, they’re the best of the best of the best, and I think they deserve a little bit recognition. BUT NOT TOO MUCH. Just a taste.

1 King SoDo The Dirty Turban League 102.9
2 I Have A Big Wieters Take On The Jay(Wrong) RedditVer 102.6
3 Tennessee Achilles Hu Are Yu? 102.1
4 Just Me and the Boys Boppin’ Au Shizz 102.0
5 Diamond Dragons Moobs Out 101.7
6 Arizona Au Shizz Mierda Verde 101.4
7 Team Stark Draft Dodgers 101.3
8 Team Dalmore RCL LEGION OF DOOM 100.7
9 Barroom Heroes Au Shizz2 99.9
10 Mustache Rides Take On The Jay(Wrong) Part Tres 99.9

The 2014 Razzball Commenter League Master Standings (Click on it. Seriously. Do it.)

- The top-10 standings are toight. Toight like a tiger. Only three points separates all ten teams. Since I don’t math well, fear not, that number is correct, as I double-checked it with Rudy…….’s kid.

- I doubt you really are in Arizona, Arizona Au Shizz, as being in a league that has a Spanish name means a visit by the Sheriff’s office. My recommendation? Have your long-form birth certificate on stand-by. HAHA, just kidding, they won’t care.

- I like that a league is called Legion of Doom. It really kinda puts a picture in my mind of big purple monsters with laser eyes and, you know, a big hammer, with ooooo, burgundy capes and maybe a half-lion, half-lizard thing with walrus teeth. Exactly.

- Grey slipped a little, but is still lurking in the top-50 at the 43 spot. He had no comment for me this time, but the mustache twitched three times in my general direction, which I think means that summer will start three weeks late.

The RCL Round-Up

- Chicks dig the long-ball. So someone told me one time. It wasn’t a chick, but that statement sounds accurate. I can’t imagine they love a short-ball. AHHHthankyou. And so I guess baby chickens are in awe of The Dynasty, part of the Flatpoint High RCL. He leads all RCL teams in home runs with 64. Not only that, but his team is 2nd in runs, 1st in RBI’s, 3rd in SB’s, and 2nd in BA in that specific league. And he’s done that with Billy Hamilton taking up a spot on his roster. BOLD STRATEGY. So what does such a prolifically balanced offense look like?

thedynastyw5

- So, we’ve taken a look at the offense, what’s going on with the flip-side of that equation? Let’s take a look at one of the best pitching RCL teams, and it just so happens we’re going to look at one of my many RCL’s… Take On The Jay(Wrong) Ver. 4. Ranked 5th in the entire RCL universe in K’s, Mendoza Mashers are ranked 1st in K’s, W’s, ERA and WHIP, and tied for 3rd in saves in my league. Silver lining? He’s +84 starts over the limit so far. Trade me half that staff, bro.

MendozaMashersw5

The RCL #1

The RCL #1, which sounds like a RCL made for 2001: Space Odyssey (Grey notified me that RCL #1 isn’t related to a space shuttle, but is meant to be said like The Iron Sheik.  RCL #1! RCL #1! RCL #1!), is the Friends & Family league that Grey created so we could all be his fantasy baseball punching bags. Actually, maybe not so much punching bags as mustache combs. Seems more Grey-ish to me.

Regardless, this league stars myself, Rudy, Tehol the Elder God, Prospector Scott, Nick the Podcast Host, and Sky… err, the Blue? We need to find you a better title buddy. But that’s us, that’s the family. Which, I can assure you, I’m already filing paperwork to gain emancipation. The friends are Dalton Del Don from Yahoo, Brad Johnson from FanGraphs, Ryan Carey of Mastersball, Paul Singman of Baseball Prospectus, and Tim McLeod of RotoRob.

The Standings:

rc1standingsw5

- Grey still in the lead… nothing to see here, move along.

- I do find it disconcerting that Sky has double my innings, yet only two more wins. I sense that his pitching staff is the Arizona Diamondbacks…

Want more of the Jay? Don’t we all folks? Don’t. We. All. Well, you, in fact, can have more. AMAZING. I know. You can find Jay enjoying his new dig’s running the Football side of Razz.

  1. Grey

    Grey says:
    (link)

    Asian and 5′ 11″… You don’t lie that obviously in your dating profile, man! Who are you, Linsanity?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Grey: hah! Seriously though, can’t figure out why guys lie about their height… like, the end game is seeing each other in person, right?

      • Grey

        Grey says:
        (link)

        More like the mid-game…End game is to then ignore/hope to never see the person again…

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @Grey: you know the process way too well.

  2. Cram It says:
    (link)

    Someone seriously outed your online dating profile?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Cram It: it was a contest. I’m fine with it… it’s public domain, so it matters not to me. I’m single and proud of it! AKA ahhhhh this lonely pit of despair and lotion made tears!

      • Cram It says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Ain’t no shame in that game. I’m actually on there also. But I’m more private about it, clearly, since I’ve never made it a contest with my friends.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @Cram It: How’s it working out for you? Sometimes, it’s a little too hipster for me… but that might be more the area than anything.

          • Cram It says:
            (link)

            @Jay: I hear ya, but I live in Baltimore, which is primarily hipsters and baby mama’s (on the site). That said, I do pretty well as far as getting dates, but in the end, b*tches be crazy no matter where you pull them from.

            • Jay

              Jay says:
              (link)

              @Cram It: ain’t that the truth.

              I feel ya on that too, lived in Owings Mills for a minute.

              • Cram It says:
                (link)

                @Jay: Funny. I work in OW.

                • Jay

                  Jay says:
                  (link)

                  @Cram It: I used to go to Blue Point Crab House twice a week.

  3. BenJ says:
    (link)

    I’m Arizona Au Shizz, actually am in Arizona, and I am embarrassed by the Dbacks. We have support groups. Ok, they’re just bars. OK, I just drink in my garage (we don’t have basements in Phoenix). Anyway… I jumped about 120 places from last week. You guys finally hit the cycle where my pitching staff pitches and I gain 7 points in K’s. Too bad I lost Cuddyer, Mesoraco, Segura, and Anibal Sanchez.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @BenJ: you’ll survive half that okay.

      • BenJ says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Damn right! Dioner Navarro to the rescue! *drinks some more beer/tear mixture*

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @BenJ: Salud!

  4. A Hill O' Beans says:
    (link)

    Love the Machu Picchu pic there Jay! I do wish you could have a little more fun with your profile though, I mean it’s all so stuffy. Or maybe I’m thinking of the opposite of that, hmmm…

  5. mcBlunty says:
    (link)

    playing in a long term keeper league and curious if you were to deal one these 2 young arms which would it be, M Wacha or G Cole, dont really want to deal either but i could use a signifigant upgrade to my offense and those 2 guys seem to draw the most interest, would Matt Carpenter for Cole be enough in return? Thanks!

    • Steve Stevenson says:
      (link)

      @mcBlunty: Like both, would deal whichever gets the best offer (ok, gun to head I deal Wacha first, but I’m not big on Aggies but for a couple well-endowed exceptions from my freewheeling younger days), UNLESS said best offer is Carpenter, because I don’t like that in a keeper. Should be able to do better. Just takes one owner…

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @mcBlunty: I’d rather deal Wacha, but if it’s Cole, I’d expect more than Carpenter.

  6. Newleaf says:
    (link)

    Two things:

    1) you kinda look like ichiro. I mean that in the nicest way possible

    2) is it at all weird to now have a bunch of dudes viewing your Cupid profile? I was gonna message you…but the yellow bar scared me away.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      1) Wish I could hit like him! Well, 10 years ago. I think I can hit like him now…

      2) Naw, happens more than you think.

  7. Riggs says:
    (link)

    McClouth or Krispie?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Riggs: McClouth for now.

      • Riggs says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Only thing is Krispie has 4 game set at Coors this weekend :D

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @Riggs: Yeah, it was a total gut call.

  8. Matt says:
    (link)

    I get Cain, Marte, and Sandoval…you get Cruz and Jose Fernandez. I’m a Zimmerman owner and have Strasburg and King felix to boot.

    • Matt says:
      (link)

      @Matt: Ryan Zimmerman*

    • Steve Stevenson says:
      (link)

      @Matt: Booooooooooooooooo!

      • Matt says:
        (link)

        @Steve Stevenson: sooooo, do it? But really, can you blame me for scouring for a new 3 bagger? I had Chase Headley..Chase effin Headley. Give me boni..facio…

        • Steve Stevenson says:
          (link)

          @Matt: You don’t deal a top-5 SP for an adequate 3B. Zimm will be back in a few weeks. In the meantime go with Plouffe, Semien, etc.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Matt: I’d hold. I think you have enough pitching.

  9. Osnam says:
    (link)

    Was just offered Altuve and grinke for kinsler. Is that a no brainer, I should do it right?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Osnam: Yeah, I like Kinsler, but you have to.

      • Osnam says:
        (link)

        @Jay: thanks, he re offered and asked for Chavez too. Do I still do it?

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @Osnam: ehhh. I think Chavez regresses a bit… but that closes the gap enough for me to hold.

  10. J-FOH says:
    (link)

    Ok so you’re a handy alcoholic who doesn’t believe in anything after this life and you write and edit fantasy sports and could never turn down some Trek. I think you need a dating profile editor. AKA a pimp…..

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @J-FOH: Hah! I’m pretty sure that’s pimping it.

  11. costaricanchata says:
    (link)

    really surprised the girls aren’t
    knocking down your door to watch
    you build an armoire and to watch star trek .
    good luck .

  12. Bob says:
    (link)

    who’s better ROS, salazar or roark?

    • BenJ says:
      (link)

      @Bob: Salazar, unless you’re in my league and then it’s definitely Roark.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Bob: Salazar… but Roark is a safer pick right now. I play risky, for context.

  13. Van Hammersly says:
    (link)

    Hey Jay:

    Apologies if I missed something in an earlier post (or if I’m just TL;DR oblivious), but my team (A Man Named Brady – in the Hakuna de Aza RCL) seems to have incorrect stats for all stat categories (except overall league points). Obviously not a big deal, but this league is literally ALL I HAVE LEFT.

    thx!

  14. CRice says:
    (link)

    Drop struggling Kuroda for either Bauer or Stroman? keeper league.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @CRice: I’d hold, but I’d fine a way to get Stroman on your team.

      • CRice says:
        (link)

        @Jay: I’ve been holding onto Gyorko, Aaron Hill, and Bret Lawrie… hoping one could emerge as my everyday 2B. Better to drop one of them for Stroman than Kuroda?

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @CRice: I still have faith in Kuroda… ugh, it’s tough, but I’d actually drop Lawrie.

          • CRice says:
            (link)

            @Jay: done and done. thanks for the advise.

            • Jay

              Jay says:
              (link)

              @CRice: Anytime!

  15. Tehol Beddict says:
    (link)

    This can’t be life

  16. Ghost of the Disappeared - Mother says:
    (link)

    Mr Jay Wrong: I’m The Ghost of the Disappeared mother. I’m writing you today in a mother’s desperation.

    The Ghost is currently in intensive care lock down after his meltdown yesterday night, following the performances of his Free Agent SPs, Vargas, Perez and Lohse.

    He was inconsolable after last night games. It got worse and worse. Finally, he went over the top.

    He kept repeating over and over (between his moans) as he lay there in unstopping tears and involuntarily releasing all other types of bodily fluids, “””” O GODS!!!! I let my little Star Of The Show down. He’ll never ever talk to me again on that nasty nasty mustached man’s RazzBall website. He needed me there – doing good. No one can have that type of Starting Pitching and be seen as a good person. And I’m the only one who understands and appreciates Jay’s wonderful talents… And I have let him down””

    His team of doctors believe, it might be helpful to his recovery, if you could drop him an understanding Email or 2. Nothing else seems to be working this time around – even his normal “event” medication regime. Even piping in “Everything Coming Up Roses” isn’t getting his normal response.

    Please contact him @ Happy Acres Retreat and Convalescence Clinic . Com – Care of, The Ghost of the Disappeared.

    Thank you, GotD loving mother and a BIG Jay Wrong Fan.

    PS Off Topic: I am available for dating – if you like mature women.

Comments are closed.