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Here at Razzball, we usually try to take the outlandish approach whenever possible. Quite frankly, I’m not sure what the alternative is. So when my favorite player of all-time sucumbs to cancer, I just simply have no idea how to react in this medium. Well, I do have one immediate reaction. Cancer… I’m gonna need you to drive over to my house and put your hands behind your back so I can punch you as hard as possible in the d*ck. But beyond that, what else is there to do? Yes, you’ll find many remembrances, comments, and stories about the life and times of Tony Gwynn (all done by much better writers than myself), but I feel like I have to try and briefly add my two cents to the conversation. Because I’m cheap and don’t have three cents.

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We all know the player he was, the accolades, the stats, the records. But I want to focus on something entirely seperate, and that’s the fact that I miss my dad. I lost him about eight years ago, and as time passes, I realize how much he affected my life and was such an integral building block of who I am today. And my fondest memories are as a kid at the ballpark. The Padres were our shared interest, more specifically, the Tony Gwynn, Ken Caminiti, Steve Finley, and Trevor Hoffman Padres. Basically the team in the 90’s. No Mark-Paul Gosselaar, get back in your box. You have no power here. There was nothing better than smelling the grass at Jack Murphy. Nothing better than getting chocolate malts in the 6th inning. Nothing better than just hanging out with my dad in our right-field seats (Plaza 39, most of the time) and watching Tony Gwynn and the Padres do their thing. Which was usually losing (sans 1996 and 1998), but there were some amazing things we saw. What I’m trying to say is, when I think of Tony Gwynn, I think of my father, and I get all sentimental and emotional, like your mother when she does the dishes. And so when we lose such a great player, such a great person, I’m only reminded of my own loss. So it’s like Double Dragon, but if the dragon’s are Tony Gwynn and my dad.

Tony Gwynn was the greatest hitter I have ever seen. And I got to watch him with my dad. And those memories are what makes times like this okay. But yeah. F*ck cancer.

The RCL Top 10

Why the top-10? Because they’re the top-10 teams out of 1,000+? And that’s pretty amazing? I’m Ron Burgundy? Simply put, they’re the best of the best of the best, and I think they deserve a little bit recognition. BUT NOT TOO MUCH. Just a taste.

1 Big League Wood Smokey’s Humidor 105.3
2 Diamond Dragons Moobs Out 102.0
3 Pittsburgh Lumber Company Take On The Jay(Wrong) Cinco! 101.8
3 Colicky Fuddruckers GREYco Inc. 101.8
5 Hard Wood on Ball I Dream of RCL 101.3
6 Goose Snausage Razzball 2014 101.2
6 Purple Mays Haze Take On The Jay(Wrong) Cinco! 101.2
8 Big Magoo RCL Champions League 101.0
9 Colicky Fuddruckers Take On The Jay(Wrong) Part Tres 100.5
10 Team R to the Izzo Thunder Down Under 100.4

The 2014 Razzball Commenter League Master Standings (Click on it. Seriously. Do it.)

- There’s a lot of ties going on here. Which means you have to kiss your sister. Better idea! It means I have to kiss your sister.

- Big League Wood has been in the top spot for quite a while now, showing that this wood has some stamina. Yes, there were several things I could have done with that, but I just wasn’t in the mood and went with the easiest.

The RCL Round-Up

Yup, we’re going to be playing our favorite game of scrolling the standings and picking a few random teams to spotlight.

- Today’s first winner are the Nepalese Box Scorers, from The Lords of Sarcasm RCL, proving that there is such a thing as Nepalese people, and on top of that, they are official box scorers. That’s amazing.

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- It’s alright, I give you permission to drop Grant Balfour. So it was said, so it shall be done. Uhh, am I supposed to do the sign of the cross now or something?

- Not that this team doesn’t have star power, but I had to Google half the infield. You have some starters to trade… nudge-nudge, blink-blink. Thumbs high. I’m saying make a trade, if you didn’t realize it. You probably do now. Unless you’re blind. Then whoever is around, please read this out loud. The nudge-nudge is crucial here because they won’t see you blink-blink. So… what were we talking about again?

- The next team, I Profar Dos Equis (I do too! I actually Profar, ahem, prefer alcohol over pretty much anything…) is from the Hakuna Machado (SO MANY PLAYER PUNS GUYS) RCL. And this team is not doing well. I can say that, because 92.568% of my teams are doing worse.

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- Okay, so first off, there’s a lot of red here, so maybe someone should see if Ray Lewis has an alibi. Secondly, Ike Davis. Ike Davis. I say his name twice just to make sure you know he’s on your roster. Other than that, this team should rebound as some personnel returns. Don’t hit the panic button yet friend! Also, Ike Davis. Really?

The RCL #1

The RCL #1, which sounds like a RCL made for 2001: Space Odyssey (Grey notified me that RCL #1 isn’t related to a space shuttle, but is meant to be said like The Iron Sheik.  RCL #1! RCL #1! RCL #1!), is the Friends & Family league that Grey created so we could all be his fantasy baseball punching bags. Actually, maybe not so much punching bags as mustache combs. Seems more Grey-ish to me.

Regardless, this league stars myself, Rudy, Tehol the Elder God, Prospector Scott, Paul, the Sing(ing)man, Nick the Podcast Host, and Sky… err, the Blue? We need to find you a better title buddy. But that’s us, that’s the family. Which, I can assure you, I’m already filing paperwork to gain emancipation. The friends are Dalton Del Don from Yahoo, Brad Johnson from FanGraphs, Ryan Carey of Mastersball, and Tim McLeod of RotoRob.

The Standings:

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Want more of the Jay? Don’t we all folks? Don’t. We. All. Well, you, in fact, can have more. AMAZING. I know. You can find Jay enjoying his new dig’s running the Football side of Razz.

From Around The Web

  1. Duel Time says:
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    Nice write up Jay. God bless you. Oh and fu*k cancer.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Duel Time: Thanks! And agreed. EF THAT CANCER

  2. Grey

    Grey says:
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    Nice post, Jay!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Grey: Appreciated!

  3. Carnac says:
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    Definitely look up Olbermann’s eulogy for Gwynn if you get a chance.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Carnac: Oh, nice, I’ll check it out, thanks!

  4. J-FOH says:
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    Very well done Jay, I would like to share my Tony Gwynn memory. The year was 1984, my brothers team in Pony ball was the Padres and they took all the kids to the Dodgers/Padres game. Since my dad was one of the coaches I got to go. I was excited to go because I wanted to see Steve Garvey in another uniform, I wanted to watch the Goose pitch and I wanted to see this phenom Tony Gwynn. We were fortunate enough to get tickets right next to the padres bullpen and being in right field were within earshot of the man. Hands down one of the most memorable games for me as I look back on my youth. I too reflect on my own loss, my brother 8 years ago, and yesterday I played that game over in my head as I reflected on my own memories of Tony Gwynn and my brother. This is such a funny little game we love. #bringbackthemustard

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @J-FOH: Great stuff. I’m glad you shared that.

      And totally, the mustard uni’s rock.

  5. Good stuff Jay, written like a pro, spoken from the heart.

  6. Swfcdan says:
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    Had no idea Gwynn had passed away. And that’s hit me pretty hard, even as an Englishman. Knew what a great he was for the game, and to go so young too. Shows what a bastard cancer is, RIP Tony.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Swfcdan: Yup, huge loss to the baseball world.

  7. Sky

    Sky says:
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    Well done, Jay. Cheers to Gwynn both on and off the field. Great send off, my friend.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Sky: Thanks bro!

  8. bterry says:
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    fuck cancer

  9. ram says:
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    Touching piece. My most lasting memory of Tony Gwynn is kinda strange. In the 80s, my brother and I were big baseball fans and big fans of collecting baseball cards. We would play a game that was “head-to-head” – basically, whoever wins each category gets a point. Not a single player could beat Tony Gwynn’s 1987 stats – this is an $80 player in fantasy baseball.

    R – 119
    Hits – 218
    2B – 36
    3B – 13
    HR – 7
    RBI – 54
    SB – 56
    Avg. .370

    Just insane #s. RIP, legend.

    • ram says:
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      @ram: maybe a $60 player – 12 team league

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @ram: That actually sounds like a really fun game.

      My favorite year was 1994, and it was a shame about the strike. I felt he was really going to hit .400 that year… 1997 was an insane year as well.

  10. ram says:
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    Just re-read my comment on Gwynn and wanted to clarify, I was NOT being sarcastic. I am battling cancer myself and know what y’all are saying. My preferred slogan is “Kill cancer”. More and more people are doing it all the time. Great piece on the great Tony Gwynn.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @ram: Yeah, didn’t take it like that. And thanks! I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  11. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Nice work my friend. Cheers to a couple good ones.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @The Guru: Cheers to you good sir!

  12. Tehol Beddict says:
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    If i could F#ck cancer out of every woman on earth, I would and I just may do so.

    Seriously tho, nice post. RIP 2 da GOAT

    • Julio White says:
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      @Tehol Beddict: I

      You gained a 1/2 point this week. Well done expert.

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Julio White: Julio, everyone in this league is an “expert” so what’s your point? Do you want my home address so that you may write me handwritten hate notes? phone number for prank calls?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Tehol Beddict: Amen brotha. Would be a sight to be seen. Probably with a blindfold.

  13. John Rubino says:
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    I just lost my father a few months back – and while we were both die hard Yankee fans, the most time we spent together at a ballpark was between 89 and 92 when we lived in SD (usually at Mets games to make my mom happy). When the news about Tony hit I got seriously choked up and it wasn’t until I read this piece that I realized why. Thank you for that, and vaffanculo cancer!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @John Rubino: I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

      • John Rubino says:
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        @Jay: I’m sorry for yours too, man.

  14. Joe says:
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    Nice post jay…Iam from México…Mexicali a city close to San Diego and got the oportunity to go to the 1998 playoffs of San Diego vs Houston and San Diego vs Atlanta….great memories….tony gywnn is San Diego and San Diego is tony gywnn….best hitter ive ever seen…RIP

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Joe: That was a great period. Sterling HItchcock was AMAZING.

      Did you remember that game played in Mexico against the Mets? Ken Caminiti had the flu and wasn’t going to start, but ate a snickers bar, and hit 3 HR’s. One of the craziest things I’ve ever seen.

      Also, there was this crazy thing Caminiti is known for…

      • Joe says:
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        @Jay: jajajajajaj yeah…i will never forget the jim leyritz clutch playoffs homeruns and the kevin Brown season…. What a fun team good days

        • Cabreras Cab Company says:
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          @Joe: Caminiti plus steroids equals really strong throw

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