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Long before I became a hack over here at Razzball, I was a frequent commenter known as “Jack Full of Hate”. J-FOH is an acronym for those that haven’t figured that out yet. I was known for my rants, smack and general disdain for anything and everything. Then one day that angry guy with a heart of gold was recruited by Sky out of the comments section and turned into a contributer for the best fantasy sports website on the net. After starting to write for the football side and passing his Silence of the Lambs test I got the green light to join the baseball side. You might ask yourself, what is a Silence of the Lambs test? It’s the part of the interview where Sky threw me in a pit, tucked his junk, held his 80-pound dog and yelled at me it rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again as I screamed “I want to write for Razzball!” Then he got me drunk, took me to a football game, and then threw me back in the pit. I never understood the second trip into the pit because thats where it got really weird. He blared this song while he danced around wearing clown make-up as he flung chili and chucked pears at me for the next day and a half. Now what does Sky’s eccentricity have to do with the RCL updates this week? It’s a two part response, with the first being advised by my therapist to get this off my chest, and the second to demonstrate how he broke me. That hateful one has been reined in but alas a savior came to my aid when last week Grey told me I can go ahead and do a shame segment this week. I’ve been watching highlights of this play to get my anger up. F**k you Brian Sabean…F**k you Bruce Bochy and F**k you Baseball for ruining my game even more than it already has been. It’s f**king baseball b*tches lets play it like it’s meant to be. This is why I love fantasy so much because the reality of the real game makes me want to slit my wrists and start listening country pop. [Jay's Note: Not necessarily in that order...]

How does one rank shame? What term stands to us as the shame of all shame? I struggle with this question because what might be hurtful to me might be a compliment to you. For example, calling someone the Eagles of Fantasy might make them proud where for me them are fighting words. That also rings true for KISS. Because of this I will go with the universally recognized joke of all jokes here and call it the Matthew Berry Dingleberry Award winners. Now I know the season isn’t over yet but these people threw the towel in a long time ago and should be getting a visit from this guy if I had my way. Hey Cram, are you busy for the next couple of weeks? So without further ado I bring you the bowels of the bottom.

The RCL Bottom-10

1008 Team Baker RCL Original Recipe 2014 16.6
1007 Razzball Radio (<– LOL) 2014 Razzball Writers League 17.1
1006 Wrong- Mistakes.com Draft Dodgers 17.3
1005 NHV Steelers Smokey’s Humidor 20.3
1004 The Bryce Is Right Take On The Jay(Wrong) Yeoseos! 20.7
1003 CodeName Duchess Take On The Jay(Wrong) Part Deux 20.7
1002 Boston Fawkin Mawnks HA! 21.8
1001 Team baucom Yeah Jeets! 22.0
1000 Spirited Scrappers I Dream of RCL 22.6
999 Team Ballrash Mierda Verde 22.6
With Corey Hart, Jose Fernandez, and Justin Smoak still hanging in their lineup, Team Baker from RCL Orginal Recipe league has really dragged one of the longest standing RCL’s down to the pit of shame. I wonder what frequent commenter SteveNZ feels about this? It probably opens with a FFS and then closes with a FFS. What do you say Steve? Baker also has Clayton Kershaw chillin’ on his bench. If Clayton is in the line-up of this abandoned team then he doesn’t end up on the bottom of the crap heap. No love for you! Now I must move on to the voice of Razzball, the Cuddly Canadian Nick Capozzi. Oh Nick, have some pride. You are doing better than so many in the RCL #1 but in the writers league you have chosen to go all  draft dodger style like a fleeing hippy to America to hide out from doing your service. Hey dumbass, he did flee Canada for the U.S. Oh…thanks for the heads up 3rd personality. To be fair Nick has been working 16 hour days this year doing the TV on the Radio show and planning his tour across America. But should I be this kind? Nick you can take your smart phone with you when you poop and set your line-ups on the pot. Brandon Morrow? Raul Ibanez? Shane Victorino? WTF man, we aren’t playing the Razzball leagues this year. Get it together and have a great tour. I still love you bro but will never let you live this one down. To close out the bottom three we have Wrong-Mistakes who looks like someone who has actually tried to play with their 42 moves. With a roster full of DL’d players too long to list and Joel Hanrahan stashed I can only say is you tried but failed miserably. I want to be positive on this one but I’m fighting back the urge because you quit on your team. I see quitting far different than abandoning because a quitter tried but failed where an abandoner just doesn’t give a rat’s ass. I’m slightly better with an abandoner. I understand that life gets in the way of fantasy and I don’t fault anyone for that but if you’re going to sign up and play publicly you need to know we will take shots at you and that your performance hurts your league and their quest for the crown. Boston Fawkin Mawks from league HA! has done nothing to help his league index, which sits at 103, and has held the others back from rising up the overall standings. Like a deadbeat dad, you hurt others when you don’t show up. Just show the f**k up and play. Don’t waste our time and make a joke out of your league or else Cram will be paying you visit.

The RCL Top 10

Why the top-10? Because they’re the top-10 teams out of 1,000+? And that’s pretty amazing? I’m Brian Fantana? Simply put, they’re the best of the best of the best, and I think they deserve a little bit recognition. BUT NOT TOO MUCH. Just a taste.

1 Goose Snausage Razzball 2014 114.1
2 The Dynasty Flatpoint High 112.7
3 Hannibal Montana Take On The Jay(Wrong) 110.5
4 Purple Mays Haze Take On The Jay(Wrong) Cinco! 109.6
5 Big League Wood Smokey’s Humidor 107.8
6 Militant Vegans Loogy On Your Windshield 107.7
7 Hard Wood on Ball I Dream of RCL 107.5
8 Colicky Fuddruckers GREYco Inc. 107.2
9 Big Magoo RCL Champions League 105.6
10 Don Mattingly’s Sideburns Cougs R Us 105.1


The 2014 Razzball Commenter League Master Standings (Click on it. Seriously. Do it.)

The RCL #1

The RCL #1, which sounds like a RCL made for 2001: Space Odyssey (Grey notified me that RCL #1 isn’t related to a space shuttle, but is meant to be said like The Iron Sheik. RCL #1! RCL #1! RCL #1!), is the Friends & Family league that Grey created so we could all be his fantasy baseball punching bags. Actually, maybe not so much punching bags as mustache combs. Seems more Grey-ish to Jay. I wasn’t invited so I’m not sure if I would be Grey’s punching bag. What I do know is I can say whatever I want because I’m not in there. With that being said I say “Why you dodging me Bro?” 

Regardless, this league stars Jay, Rudy, Tehol the Elder God, Prospector Scott, Paul, the Sing(ing)man, Nick the Podcast Host, and Sky… err, the Blue? We need to find you a better title buddy. But that’s us, that’s the family. Which, I can assure you, I’m already filing paperwork to gain emancipation. The friends are Dalton Del Don from Yahoo, Brad Johnson from FanGraphs, Ryan Carey of Mastersball, and Tim McLeod of RotoRob.

The Standings:

rclstandings234

Rudy has really jumped out on Grey and I have to wonder if Grey can even make it back in the conversation. I guess being the Tom Selleck of Razzball has it’s price. It’s OK Grey, you have a great head of hair and a second place team. Wouldn’t you rather have that than be bald and in first? Perspective my friend…

Sky is still edging out Tehol in the bottom as I watch this epic battle for worst Razzballer shake out. You two need to lay off all that Pacific Northwest Patchouli you have been freebasing. 

  1. Don’t worry, J-FOH. If I finish in first, Grey might rip out all his hair in frustration. (It’ll grow back in 10 minutes anyway. His mom dipped him in the same fountain that Mel Kiper Sr. dipped his kids’ head into)

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Rudy Gamble: HAHAHA!!

      Does that make Grey the Mel Kiper Jr. of fantasy baseball?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Rudy Gamble: It’s the Follicle Fountain, we follicle in it…

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Grey: Juan Ponce de Leon would be proud

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          He was a quick 80’s middle infielder…

          • J-FOH says:
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            @Grey: HA! he was a double play machine with Vasco Nunez de Balboa

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              They were the first to discover Alan Trammel was the white guy and Lou Whitaker was the black guy…

              • J-FOH says:
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                @Grey: and we never heard from them again

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
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                  Now that’s just spooky!

                  • J-FOH says:
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                    @Grey: MLB wasn’t ready for a latin tandem. The ancient aliens guys would have a field day with this one

      • my mom evidently let me swim in that fountain but didn’t let me dunk my head underwater.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          She could’ve gone a little easier on dunking the toes

          • J-FOH says:
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            @Grey: like Frodo?

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Exactly!

  2. Sky

    Sky says:
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    I read this! (But not really).

    The only ESPN team doing well is my auction league one; second place and probably stuck there but the rest have gone straight to hell. Too much Chris Davis/Alex Rios/etc of underperforming shares to find any happiness.

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Sky: why read it… you lived it you sick SOB

  3. Grey

    Grey says:
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    I need saves, homers, RBIs, runs… I’m starting to sound delusional… I can catch him!

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Grey: getting wile e coyote over here

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        Ha

  4. Great column J-FOH..Love reading your takes on the leagues and ahh, SKY is a beast…
    By the way what game did he talk you to and who won?

    cheers mate

  5. Cram It says:
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    Since no amount of 0-4 batty calls will salvage my team the rest of the way, I’ve got nothing to do but kick deadbeat managers in the nuts until football starts. Point the way!

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Cram It: Nick is in Philly tomorrow.

  6. If I had followed my pre-season rankings and took Felix Hernandez instead of Justin Verlander with my 4th round pick, I’d be at 113 points and possibly in 1st place overall in the master standings. F***ity f***.

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Rudy Gamble: I have more draft day what if’s than Grey has ridiculous pants….did you see those Judge Smails pants from the San Diego tour stop?

  7. Carnac says:
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    Team Baker’s relief corps includes Jim Johnson, Heath Bell, Balfour and Rex Brothers. Amazing.

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Carnac: The foresight on that fabulous baker boy

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Think it’s more like he got his foresight and hindsight confused… Where’s Kevin Gregg?

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Grey: coping feels with Chad Gaudin in area hospitals near you.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Surprised he doesn’t own Chad Gaudin

          • J-FOH says:
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            @Grey: Prezi has all year

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              HA

  8. SteveNZ says:
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    Yeah, that’s a pretty poor showing from Team Baker, aka Freak, a once-frequent Razz-commenter. He’s too busy pointing a TV camera at Indy sports teams these days I think.

    Mind you, not that I’ve got anything to be proud of in that league. In the first 12 rounds, my picks included the following:

    Prince
    Harper
    Rios
    Verlander
    Gyorko
    Moobs
    Brad Miller
    Parnell

    And it could have been worse. I drafted Donaldson (who has been OK obviously) but only because I’d mistakenly scrolled down past Zimmerman in the available 3Bs in the draft app…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      At least you stacked all your bad picks on one team

    • J-FOH says:
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      @SteveNZ: FFS young man, was my account of how you would react about right?

      How do you draft so poorly in there and so well in the FCL or was it just old lady luck for you ;)

      on draft day I would of liked that team too minus Verander and Miller.

      • de nachos says:
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        @J-FOH: on Moa’s FCL, FanGraphs posted some metrics how 100% of the teams that drafted Trout are in first place besides the ones that aren’t.

      • SteveNZ says:
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        @J-FOH: I actually didn’t mind that team. I knew it wasn’t a first place team right out of the gate but I felt it was pretty solid, no glaring holes…

        Really can’t explain my FCL draft. I know it sounds trite but I just kinda took what was there, and filled needs. I actually felt that all the teams were really even coming out of the draft, but that’s why they play the games I suppose.

        I’m actually pretty surprised that I’ve done this well – I’m certainly not the strongest player in that crew. Was a real good draft (as it turned out) and, Tanaka aside, I’ve gotten real lucky with injuries.

        And nah, can’t really direct a FFS is Baker’s direction. Josh is a cool guy, but might need to have a little chat about his participation for next year ;-)

        • J-FOH says:
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          @SteveNZ: I hope we get a full participating crew next year, OTS has gone MIA and we may need to call in Chuck Norris to find him. Prezii taking off hurt the league too. I wouldn’t be in a spot to maybe steal 2nd or 3rd with a strong finish if those guys are there. But it’s still fun, Kid and I are in an epic dogfight right now and Magoo and Panda better watch out for us.

          • mauledbypandas says:
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            @J-FOH: my team is just lucky to tread water. I overloaded on pitching and now everyone is all hurtski

            • mauledbypandas says:
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              @mauledbypandas: I mean to say, you guys can sneak up on my behind any day!

              • J-FOH says:
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                @mauledbypandas: I coming to get you, I’m so stuck with positional issues that I have to bench Gyorko and Yelich today. I’m kicking ass and taking names lately. Kid A is killing it too.

                • SteveNZ says:
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                  @J-FOH: Oh, your resurgence is nothing short of remarkable. How in the hell do you have so many Runs?

                  • J-FOH says:
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                    @SteveNZ: Billy, Yelich, calhoun and carpetbagger.

                    I couldn’t trade yelich for dick in the trade market, nobody liked a guy who can hit .280 and was on pace for 90 plus runs and 18-20 steals.

                    • SteveNZ says:
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                      @J-FOH: Chase Anderson and Trevor Bauer helping a brother out…

          • Big Magoo says:
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            @J-FOH: You and Kid have definitely been coming on strong lately. I’ve still got an outside shot though. I just need a lot to go right due to my busted Zimmerman, Verlander, and Gyorko picks, and my team’s putrid .256 average due to streaming the Dunns and Reynolds of the world. HRs and Ws will be key categories. Can’t afford to lose any ground elsewhere either.

            • J-FOH says:
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              @Big Magoo: If I can get W’s from my streamers then I got a chance to get 2nd or 3rd. I did a count and I can reasonably move up to 85 points. I hate when people say they are out of it in May, I was in 11th in July and now battling. Speaks volume to the depth of our league

              what? no music talk this week?

              • Big Magoo says:
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                @J-FOH: Two first inning steals from Austin Jackson. That’s more like it (and the type of luck I need to have a shot).

                I’ve just started drinking. It’s always better to talk music after getting a good buzz going. Give me a few minutes…

                • J-FOH says:
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                  @Big Magoo: If you missed yesterday we talked about my 7 year old daughters liking of Bowie, the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack and loving Elton John because of Gnomeo and Juliet. (See Sky’s article)

                  I find it funny that when she was 4 she loved this jam as I would drive fast in my ’96 Impala taking her to preschool. In case you feel a need I already knew it was a cover

                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-M_FInswuk

                  • Big Magoo says:
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                    @J-FOH: Nice. Your daughter has good taste. Play “I’m Afraid of Americans” for her (the version with Resnor). It’d provide a nice segueway into the ’90s alternative rock scene.

                    That band in the youtube clip reminds me of a girl that I used to date in junior year of high school. She drove an old school Oldsmobile with a bench seat in the front and used to play punk cassettes all day long in a boombox that she kept up there cause the car radio was broken. The Sex Pistols, Green Day, The Bloodhound Gang, and a bunch of other stuff. Some of it was good, but bad punk music is reeeeeaaaallllyyy bad.

                    • J-FOH says:
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                      @Big Magoo: they are actually one of the original LA scene bands from 1976 when it was more of an art movement than music. Very talented group among a bunch of people making noise. That’s a cover of a love song and by love I mean the arthur lee band and not the emotion.

              • mauledbypandas says:
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                @J-FOH: It’s been a competitive league for sure. Truth be told though i am starting to burn out from playing in 3 highly competitive leagues. FCL, ECFBL and RCL champions league. Pretty much given up on the champions league due to Magoo’s utter dominance.

                You’ve made an impressive surge in the FCL, should get really interesting for the last month

                • J-FOH says:
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                  @mauledbypandas: champions is not competitive, too many bats to be had all year. But Magoo did run away with that a while ago.

                • Big Magoo says:
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                  @mauledbypandas: I managed to avoid the early round busts in the Champions League (outside of Wright and to some degree Craig) which put me in a good position. Got a bit lucky by going light on pitching but getting career years out of Felix and Lester anyway.

                  How’s the ECFBL been going? It’s the one RCL that I’m not in with you!

                  • mauledbypandas says:
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                    @Big Magoo: It’s a real grind. I’ve been in and out of first for the last few weeks but everything is so competitive I could wind up in 8th in a few bad weeks. I’ve made a lot of poor judgements on streamers this year and it has cost me big. Same as the champions league. I trusted myself to SAGNOF and stream a little too much.

  9. de nachos says:
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    Pretty sure chili flinging and pear chucking are events in the Great Outdoor Games. So Sky (the Blue…nicely done!) gets a pass. Or maybe that was an episode of Portlandia. Were the pears local?

    • J-FOH says:
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      @de nachos: locally organic heirloom…

      But why Culture Club for a day and a half straight?

      • de nachos says:
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        @J-FOH: was it “time (clock of the heart)” those lyrics have real depth

        • J-FOH says:
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          @de nachos: you didn’t click the link, it was one song on repeat

  10. mauledbypandas says:
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    that first paragraph… Faulkner would be proud

      • mauledbypandas says:
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        @J-FOH: In my mind I read it as though I just ingested about 4 speed pills

        • J-FOH says:
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          @mauledbypandas: I naturally go stream of consciousness in an unconscious state but then edit it out.

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