by: Grey / Rudy+
Lastings Milledge is the ultimate Bowden Fluffer, even beyond Elijah Woods and Ryan Zimmerman. I shed tears as a Mets fan when he was traded last year. I believed all of the hype, drafted him way to high on my fantasy team last year, cut him, then picked him up late in the year, when he gave a glimpse of what I thought he might be. But there is that thought in mind that he will likely let me down once again. Now, you have never seen hype until you Google Lastings Milledge Facts. There are 731 facts listed about Lastings. Some of the best are:
#24- Lastings Milledge is not the next Willie Mays. Willie Mays is just a precursor to Lastings Milledge.
#2- Lastings Milledge wasn’t slapping fives with fans after his first big league homerun. He was healing lepers and cripples.
#328. Jesus wears a bracelet. That bracelet reads: “WWLMD”.
491. Lastings Milledge made Sidd Finch literally disappear off the face of the earth out of embarassment because he kept hitting HRs off of him. Milledge was born on April 5th, 1985. Sidd Finch disappeared after an article first published in early April 1985. Coincidence? We think not. It’s been dismissed as an April Fools ‘hoax’. (You have to be well versed in Mets lore to understand the mystery of Sidd Finch.)
#483. It’s reported that a Mets beach towel has the shroud of Lastings Milledge imprinted onto it.
But my man crush on Lastings finally petered out when I discovered the existence of Jay Bruce. Waiting breathlessly last year for the Reds to pick him up from Triple A, I quickly grabbed Bruce off waivers, and for about two weeks, my need to find an archtypal Major League Jungian Hero was fulfilled. For that short ecstatic period, I thought that Bruce was a cross between Babe Ruth and the Natural. He soon came back to earth, but hope lives on….and of course, I now draft him about two rounds before anyone else gives him a thought. Except for one league, when a manager surprised me by drafting Bruce late in the fifth round. Then I read the Team’s name – Bruce Almighty – and I understood.
@Paulie Allnuts: Lastings Milledge can sneeze with his eyes open. Lastings Milledge doesn’t plead the fifth, the fifth pleads. Lastings Milledge’s mom’s so fat she bleeds gravy… Oh wait, that’s a yo momma joke.
BTW, your comment, one of the all-time best comments.
Mathew Berry is a Grey Albright wanabee
Mathew Berry had to come up with a new Sabermetrics formula to accurately understand the impact Grey Albright has had on Fantasy baseball. The formula: e = GA squared.
In a Fantasy Baseball debate, Erik Karabell once told Mathew Berry …Mr. Roto, I knew Grey Albright, I study Grey Albright, I plagiarize Grey Albright. You are NO Grey Albright.”
Only reading a column by Karabell the schmohawk can make Grey Albright crack a smile.
@Paulie Allnuts: Paulie, you and me should hang out. You totally get me.
@Grey: @Paulie Allnuts: I happened to be in Rome recently, coincidentally on the same day that Lastings Milledge is there for an audience with the Pope.
I’m in the St Peters Square with the cheering thoussands as they come on to the balcony. This guy next to me says “Wow, this is awesome.” I agreed with him.
Then he says, By the way, who is that guy up there in the red slippers next to Lastings Milledge?”
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