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Confessions: 1) I force my two year old twins to practice swinging a bat from the left side.  2) My baby cries whenever I make him practice his split-finger or his circle-change (I don’t care if you’re two months old kid!).  3) I force my wife to wear the Cubs bra when it’s time to make babies (now THAT’S what I call a “C” cup! Yowzah!).  (Why do I do this?  I don’t know, its way obsessive and cruel and has got to stop.)

I live a pretty good life here in Iowa.  I’m blessed with a great wife, three young boys, a good job, a small but decent brick ranch-style with a backyard at the end of a cul-de-sac.  I have an organic garden with killer heirloom squash and tomatoes.  My neighbors are quiet and friendly and strangely diverse (for Iowa, “diverse” means there are two Italians, a black guy and one Mexican family on my street).  Some days I forget to lock the door when I leave the house, but I never worry about someone breaking in.  It’s a great life!

So why would I need fantasy baseball or anything else to stimulate my granola Iowa day?  It’s the Field of Dreams here, right?  Is this heaven? blah, blah, blah…

Because deep down inside, like you, I owned the Bobby Bonilla 1986 Fleer Update rookie card that I swore would pay my way through college.  Like you, I once struck out 9 batters in a game (or was it 7?) as a 12 year old in Little League and was a double away from the cycle (or was it a triple?).  Baseball is a part of our lives that we never want to let go of, so much so that I absolutely need something to hang onto as my hair falls out and I quit getting any action at home since the wife burned the Cubs-themed bra.  Like you, I can’t forgive myself for never making it as a professional baseball player.  So what’s a dork like you and me to do?

You do the next best thing, which is to play lots of fantasy baseball, that’s what.  You love it and live it; and you come to Razzball, because let’s face it: all the other sites are fine (as much as Razzball is), but does any other Fantasy Baseball site refer to Brad Penny as Alyssa Milano’s boy toy?  Does any other fantasy baseball site think that the name ASDRUBAL is funny?  No!  Because not only is Razzball great with fantasy advice that you can (pretty much) count on, they also make you spit out your coffee in the morning and change your daily conversations with your boss to include terms such as “SAGNOF” and “Teabagger.”

See, the reason you read Razzball is because you want to believe that you’re not really a dork and that you actually have a sense of humor about things that you’re passionate about.  Sure, it’s just a hobby, but why not have any fun with your fantasy baseball obsession?  That’s why you read Razzball, and that’s why you should donate to Grey and Rudy for the amount of time they spend answering your questions, which, ultimately amounts to hundreds of hours more than any other fantasy baseball site out there.

The other night, I was invited to this kegger off the campus of the The College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, when this friend of mine, Associate Professor Matt Berry came up to me and asked me for $4 to purchase the cup necessary in order for me to drink his beer.  So I paid the $4, did my keg stands, showed off my Ron Santo nipple rings, my “1.296 OPS” and “1060 W. Addison” tattoos, politely told all the co-eds that I was a married man and had a great time serving as the guest DJ by playing mostly Girl Talk .

But something I saw there really pissed me off… Sneaking through the back door were these four Freshmen, holding their own cups, who live at the quad and bypassed Berry who was occupied in his room watching re-runs of bootlegged Megan Fox DVD’s.  So here they were, stealing all sorts of fantasy baseball advice and BEER from Matt Berry’s party, and, well, drinking for free.

The moral of the story is: don’t be that guy that brings his own cup and drinks for free.  There is no charge for the awesome advice and commentary that you read on Razzball, so PLEASE consider making a contribution to Razzball, even if it’s just a few bucks.  It’s very easy to do.  Just click on the link below and tell Grey and Rudy thanks for the advice by giving a few bucks every once in a while.

From Around The Web

  1. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    so true,we all miss playing the games,and our hero`s,growing up in louisville our home team is the reds,PEREZ,MORGAN,CONCEPCION,ROSE,BENCH,FOSTER,GRIFFEY,AND GERONIMO,ah the glory days and the memories,just hope none of you try to make your kids better than you were so bad that they hate sports,seen it done.THE game should be fun for kids especially

  2. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    @AL KOHOLIC: Yeah, I was just kidding about torturing my children with baseball. My twin boys are more interested in Thomas the Tank engine than taking ground balls, and my baby boy just likes boobs.

  3. royce! says:
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    Bravo. Couldn’t agree more.

    Just googled “Ron Santo nipple rings.” You’re the sole author of that poetic gem in all of googledom!

  4. JR says:
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    *claps*

  5. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    @royce!: Something tells me that I could market those on this site. Grey, Rudy: how about a ruling?

  6. Ben says:
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    Just donated. Small donation, but I’m considering it micro-finance. I had previously committed to donating a sizable portion of any FBB winnings for this season….I’m now in 8th place so this is probably all I will be able to come up with. Enjoy a beer on me!

  7. Doug Ault says:
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    @IowaCubs: It’s cheaper than phone sex…….,apparently

  8. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    @IowaCubs: theres a big difference in helping and and being a little hard on them and being nuts,i new a guy like that,his boy was great then quit when he got out of high school,burnt out he said,

  9. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    @Iowa Cubs – What a great post – we all, I suppose, have coming of age stories playing little league ball. I didn’t realize until the second round of the little league world series that I was a small fish in a big pond. I gave up back to back dingers, to two kids who I swear were on steroids; the second hit an industrial building and almost bounced back into the infield. My next pitch was five feet over the batters head. My manager promptly took me out of the game, but more important, my delusions of being the next Don Drysdale were gone.

    And ditto concerning contributing what you can to Grey and the gang. They don’t do the begathon deal, and, along with the fantasy insight, Commenter and Razzball Leagues, and the wonderful glossary, have created Bucky Fuller type of online village for baseball/fantasy addicts. I would like to see a lot more daquiries next to the commenter participants.

  10. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    @AL KOHOLIC: Right… People should let kids have fun. I’m not that kind of high-pressure dad. I’m the do-whatever-makes-you-happy, sort of dad.

  11. Hank

    Hank says:
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    Amen, brotha!

  12. vinko says:
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    @Iowa: agree with the rest – thanks! You’re no longer just the NL correspondent, but the official president of the fan club. Btw, was that a picture of Matthew Berry embedded in the Girl Talk video (1:05?) lol

  13. Cotton says:
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    I thought the crafty freshmen were Grey, Rudy, The Baron and some tag-along. And I thought they were going to give you a cup before you shelled out four bucks to Berry. But now I understand the metaphor. Nice writing.

  14. JR says:
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    @Rudy: Should we also be clicking away on all these ads? I usually just ignore them.

  15. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    @vinko: Oh jeez… I totally didn’t see that the first time I watched that.

  16. brad says:
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    been meaning to donate, thanks for the encouragement (and yesterday was payday, so i’m feeling rich.

  17. brad says:
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    Oh, while I’m here, is Webb worth my Matt Holliday? How injured is Webb?

  18. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    @JR: yeah,does it make him money?if so,ill click away also,stupid question,how do you donate?send a check?if so who you make it to?grudy?

  19. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    @AL KOHOLIC: @JR: My understanding is that the ads generate like $.02 per click or something, so yeah, click away… keep in mind that Google is really smart and they catch on to multiple clicks from the same ip address, so do this sparingly.

    Click on the link on the main page that says something like “buy Grey a daquari” or something. From there, you can donate whatever you want via PayPal, which is totally secure.

  20. Grey

    Grey says:
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    The donations are appreciated, but don’t click ads just to click them.

  21. Christopher says:
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    True story: I just donated, and then read IC’s post. Is that scary or what?? Prolly means were twins separated at birth…or not…

    I figured the stuff I’ve gotten from Razzball from the last half of last season (when I found the site) to now is worth paying for.

    And no, I haven’t spread word of this site to anyone in my other leagues, and I don’t plan on doing so!

  22. Razzball Supporter
    Don’t drink out of your own cup!

  23. Baron Von Vulturewins

    Baron Von Vulturewins says:
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    Iowa: Great job. Great piece of writing. I am giving you a slow clap that builds to a standing ovation, just like the Russian premier did for Rocky in Rocky IV after he knocked out Drago. Daiquiris for everyone!

    I will now admit that when I first found Razzball (and how did I find it? I can;t remember) I wasn’t sure about the advice. I mean, who are these guys, “Grey” and “Rudy Gamble”? Two more schmoes who think they know the subtle difference between Asdrubal Cabrera and Alberto Callaspo? I mean, I thought Grey was using a photo of Don Mattingly for, like, six months. (Still kind of do.)

    What hooked me, and kept me here, was the taco diarrhea.

    It was an off-hand joke, the kind Grey and Rudy make ten-a-day, but it made me laugh out loud, and suddenly I realized this wasn’t your typical fantasy site.

    Instead, it’s one that offers great writing, great jokes (that Russian Nesting Outfielders was a classic) and, as it turns out, really good advice. (I am still kicking myself for not trading Damaso Marte for Carlos Pena at last year’s All Star Break, as Grey sagely advised me to YES DO THAT YES RIGHT NOW.) (I’m also still a little mad about Rios last year. Never forgive. Never forget.)

    Mostly what I love about Razzball is that it takes fantasy baseball seriously, while at the same time reminding me not to take it too seriously. That is a very valuable, excellent thing. This is an excellent site. Support it everyone!

    As that totally racist Indians mascot would say: Wahoo!

  24. DrEasy says:
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    I agree, that Russian doll outfield joke alone was worth a daiquiri!

    And being able to let out a big SONAVABENCH! in public is great therapy.

  25. Dingo says:
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    Amen, amen, and amen again. Thanks for reminding me to follow through on my promises.

  26. Razzball Supporter
    For those supporters of Rudy only, and not Grey, we have a special surprise for you! *Merkin not included

  27. Steve says:
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    @IowaCubs: Hear hear. Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but there are many reasons for coming to Razzball – the outstanding fantasy baseball advice is but one of them.

    Show your support accordingly!

    @Turnip: You’re scaring me.

  28. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    @Turnip: Oh, holy hell.

  29. Eric W says:
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    @Turnip: Awesome!

  30. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @brad: I wouldn’t trade for an injured pitcher. Not worth the headache.

    @Turnip: Nice Razzball Supporters.

  31. Doug Ault says:
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    @Turnip: I’m slightly aroused

  32. vinko says:
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    Wondering if Turnips’s creation will be available at the Razzball shop soon?

  33. Doc says:
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    I went to buy Grey a foo foo drink the other day and it locked me into using only one credit card when I wanted to use another (my default card). Anyway, is there a way to buy a round just from my pay pal account and not the link?

  34. Doc says:
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    @vinko: I might pay to not see Grey and/or Rudy on a cog piece.

  35. cubbies299 says:
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    Would you do Lewis/Verlander/Lowe for Beckett/Matsui/Baker? My ratios are fucked, and at the very least, Beckett and Baker usually are good WHIP guys. Matsui’s just a bat.

  36. Cheeeeeeeeeeeze says:
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    Hey, I have Chris Davis, Aramis Ramirez, Votto, and Berkman. I can put 1 at third, 1 at first, and 1 at util. I’m thinking of offering aram for webb to stack my pitching for the future… what do ya think?

  37. Doc says:
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    @Cheeeeeeeeeeeze: Webb is too risky. ARam is steady, get someone steady.

  38. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Doc: Should be able to click on the Buy [image] a Daiquiri. Not sure why it doesn’t work for you.

  39. cubbies299 says:
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    Grey, do you do the trade I outlined above? My ERA/WHIP are deplorable and my rotation is Kazmir/Verlander/Lowe/Weaver/Parra/Vazquez. Do I do this deal or just sit tight? I think I do it if only for the wins. Also, Baker’s bad, but he isn’t this bad. Hr/fb rate of 22%. That’s bound to go down a bit.

  40. Doc says:
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    @Grey: I works, but makes me pay with a card I don’t want to pay with.

  41. Simply Fred

    Simply Fred says:
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    @IowaCubs: Understand the sentiment, but not sure if the analogy is a good one. Pretty sure Grey was one of the four freshman way back in his college days (he probably made it through the first quarter?!). Rudy an unlikely free soaker.

  42. BigFatHippo says:
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    @IowaCubs: Been away for 2 days, gotta work sometime ya know!

    Then I come home to this:

    You just summed up in several paragraphs exactly how I feel about Razzball. I stumbled upon this site drunkenly one year ago, almost to the date, can’t remember, look it up Grey……….

    Here’s what I found………….Humor, knowledge, advice and a whole bunch of passionate people discussing intelligently about a sport I love. Being from the St. Louis area, what more could I ask for? We’re fanatics, we love baseball as much as Ray Kinsella, probably more so.

    But the hook, and there’s gotta be a hook that keeps you coming back, is the fact that on this site like no other, if you ask it, it will be answered. If you build a team, Grey and Rudy will come. Many others will come and give opinions, and many others will be right most of the time.

    Case in fact, we have an auction league which I was fortunate enough to win last year for the first time with a little help from Razzball. Made the mistake of mentioning it to my chief rival in the league and inviting a fellow Razzballer to the league, now we three are the Razzball 3 <—-Steve’s term.

    Bottom line, The Razzball 3 are holding down 1st, 2nd and 3rd in an auction league that is ten years old. Coincidence? I think not.

    First time readers, trust me and stay here, longtime lurkers, make your presence known!

    Excellent, awesome, stupendous vision of this site Iowa, you make me proud…………. I’d give you a sloppy Hippo kiss but that’s not how I roll, plus, uh, you’re in Iowa……………….

  43. @Grey:

    I’ve only been here a few weeks but I chipped in a couple bucks. The advice hasn’t been much good to be honest so far, still in 9th place, but if nothing else you guys are entertaining :)

  44. Oh and as far as Webb goes, I’m a Diamondbacks fan and a Webb owner and I’m not sure hes worth anything in a trade let alone Holliday.

  45. Don’t mind my griping btw, my crappy fake team and my crappy real team (4 error game) is making me really grouchy.

  46. I changed my team name to “At Least We Aren’t the Yankees”. Made me feel a lot better ;)

  47. Cheeeeeeeeeeeze says:
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    Hey, I have a great pitching staff in most of my leagues and most of them have Yovani Gallardo. Do you think he’s going to be one of those young erratic pitchers all year, or should I trade him at a high point in a 2-fer for a first round hitter?

  48. Cheeeeeeeeeeeze says:
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    @Elijah: What makes everyone so skeptical on Webb’s return? Is he gonna be one of those Chris Carpenter types, just forcing himself back to the game when the injuries have clearly plagued him?

  49. cubbies299 says:
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    What are your thoughts about the tales concerning Scott Kazmir’s demise? Premature?

  50. Cheeeeeeeeeeeze says:
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    i sure hope not… i just traded for him hoping on a big bounce back

  51. Emporers Monkey says:
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    I plan on donating for sure. And if Grey or Rudy are ever in Oregon all the Craigslist hookers are on me!!

  52. Grey

    Grey says:
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    Thanks for all the kind words, everyone! We do because we care (and we’re a little OCD and this is a good outlet). We appreciate what all the commenters bring to the table, as well. Especially the hookers, Monkey.

  53. @Cheeeeeeeeeeeze:

    I might just be gloom and dooming on Webby but the way they just shut him down for 6 weeks makes me think that even if he does get healthy, then by the time he gets the rust off it’ll be August.

  54. Infamous says:
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    no

  55. Infamous says:
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    [s]no[/s]

  56. Infamous says:
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    [s]had been[/s]

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