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While we at Razzball are content toiling within the modest confines of fantasy baseball blogdom, we occasionally like to flex our journalistic muscles and take on a challenging interview.

Our interview subject is the Republican Vice-President nominee – a politician whose gender, backstory, home state, interviewing talents, charisma, religious views, and ocular skills (wink vs. crazy-eyed stare) have made her the most compelling and polarizing nominee since Andrew Jackson tapped South Carolinian John C. Calhoun. 

It might seem crazy to talk to a VP nominee about fantasy baseball but we urge you, the reader, to consider the parallels between managing a fantasy baseball team and the country.  Would you want the doofus in your league who keeps drafting Garret Anderson and Frank Thomas to be President?  Last thing we need is a President who trades Hawaii for Samoa and Tonga.

Also, it’s worth noting that baseball and the White House have been intertwined for ages.  Examples include:

  • President William Taft starting the tradition of the ceremonial first pitch in 1910
  • FDR only had sex with his wife Eleanor if she wore a catcher’s mask and coined the term four-bagger in her honor
  • The Marshall Plan laid out provisions for teaching baseball in Japan
  • JFK loved the Red Sox
  • Richard Nixon hated the Reds
  • Jimmy Carter liked peanuts
  • Ronald Reagan went a bit Cracker Jack at the end of his 2nd term
  • George HW Bush played baseball at Yale
  • Bill Clinton coached women’s softball and enjoyed visits to the mound (okay, made up the coaching part)
  • George W Bush was managing partner of the Texas Rangers and many people wish he had stayed in that role instead of moving to politics

On to our interview with Sarah Palin…

Rudy:  Mrs. Palin, we appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to do this interview.

Palin:  Oh, it’s my pleasure.  My advisers thought it would be good if I only did interviews with those outside the media elite – all that gotcha journalism…

Rudy:  That sounds like a good strategy.  So I know about your passion for hockey.  Are you as much of a pitbull on fantasy baseball?

Palin:  You betcha.  I grew up in Alaska where girls were expected to hunt, play fantasy sports, fish, all that stuff.

Rudy:  What fantasy baseball sites and blogs do you read to keep you informed?

Palin:  Oh, I’ve read most of them with a great appreciation for their player advice and statistical insights…

Rudy:  Any specific ones?

Palin:  All of ‘em.  Any of ‘em that have popped up on my computer screen over these years.

Rudy: What is John McCain’s feelings on fantasy baseball?

Palin:  He’s a big fan.  He’s been in Arizona a lot longer than the Diamondbacks (editor’s note:  not the baseball team.  the actual snake that the team is named after and is indigenous to Arizona) so fantasy baseball is really where he first had a rootin’ interest.  He’s the original fantasy baseball maverick.

Rudy:  How so?

Palin:  He crossed the aisle to create a bi-partisan fantasy baseball league in the Senate.  He has worked with both parties on unfair trade policies.  I think we’ve all been in leagues where someone goes “Oh, my team isn’t doin’ so well so you’re my friend and I’m gonna help ya by givin’ ya all my good players for nothin’”. Well, John McCain stepped in and stood up to those special interests.  When lobbyists offered to sponsor a big prize for the league winner, John McCain said “Only if you pay for 2nd place too.”

Rudy:  Can you name one instance where John McCain did anything maverick in his drafting?  In his roster management?

Palin:  He once drafted Hee-seop Choi just to watch him die on his bench.

Rudy:  Okay, then…Can you elaborate on your policy that you refuse to drop a player from your team under any circumstances?

Palin:  Rudy, I believe every draft pick is sacred.  A blessing.  I held onto Hunter Pence all year despite him havin’ a bad year because, well, he sounded like one of my sons.

Rudy:  But aren’t there cases where it’s ok to drop a guy off your roster?  Say you drafted Mark Prior and he’s not expected off the DL anytime soon and you don’t have an open DL slot.  What would you say to someone who wanted to drop Mark Prior in this instance?

Palin:  I would council them to keep Mark Prior on the roster.  He’s a perfectly beautiful pitcher that has special needs….

Rudy:  Let’s step back from fantasy baseball and talk about a broader topic:  baseball.  What do you see as the most serious issues facing baseball today?

Palin:  Oh, I’m glad you asked, Rudy.  I think the most troublin’ thing facing baseball is our dependence on foreign baseball players in our national pastime.  We have domestic supplies of athletes all over this great land but we aren’t tappin’ into ‘em…instead we’re relyin’ on foreign countries to produce ‘em for us.  MLB teams – usin’ taxpayers’ ticket revenues may I add – are circulatin’ almost $1 billion a year into players not born in America.  Those jobs should stay here doggone it.

Rudy:  Some argue that Alaskans are out of touch with this internationalization of baseball as the closest baseball team – the Seattle Mariners – is nearly 1,500 miles away from Alaska.  How do you respond?

Palin:  What those people don’t realize is that Alaska has a land boundary with Canada.  On a clear day, I can see Larry Walker trippin’ over carcasses in the Yukon Territory.    When you consider that Justin Morneau won the MVP two years ago and Erik Bedard ruined so many fantasy teams this year and, as Jason Bay rears his head in Boston…I mean as Canadians invade America to get on baseball rosters, where are they goin’ to go?

Rudy:  Seattle?  Milwaukee?  Maybe just play in Toronto?

Palin:  And the Alaska Baseball League.  But I’m glad you mentioned Milwaukee because I’m a big fan of Ryan Braun.  He’s our best ally in “The Middle West.”

Rudy:  You’ve got the attention of tens and tens of fantasy baseball readers.  What would you like to say to them?

Palin:  My Razzball-Americans…(Editor’s note: We know of, and appreciate, our readers who live outside America.  Razzball Nation has no country barriers.)…Senator McCain and I are mavericks who will fight for all the hard-workin’ everyday Americans and Joe Six Packs out there.  We will stand up to the ESPN’s and Yahoo’s and CBS Sports of the world.  We know you’re sick of all those (ESPN) Insiders tellin’ ya how you should manage your team.  We will reform the system and fight those that want to raise league fees.  Barack Obama wants to veto your trades, tax your winnings, and has been known to pal around with known terrorists like Matthew Berry.

Rudy:  Thank you for your time, Ms. Palin.

Palin:  Well, again, Rudy, I do want to thank you and Grey for having me on your blog. This is such an honor.  Oh, and here’s a shout-out to all you I play against in the ‘Drill My Refuge’ fantasy baseball league.

16 Responses

  1. get figgy with it says:
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    even though i love this site i was actually thinking about not reading it anymore after this post…i guess i’ll just have to read the forums and grey’s posts from now on

  2. I thought this was fantastic. And you show how well rounded your knowledge is. You should do more of these type of things. I love baseball, but now that my beloved Mets are over with, I’d much rather read a post like this.

  3. What a creative post!

    In regards to the debate last night, I thought it was boring. I did not learn anything new about either candidate.

    I wish they would change the format and let the two talk directly to each other, rather than letting the moderator control everything.

  4. Shogun says:
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    Ha! Love the post, Rudy.

    Among many great nuggets, my favorite was the following little known fact: “FDR only had sex with his wife Eleanor if she wore a catcher’s mask and coined the term four-bagger in her honor.”

    Awesome!

  5. peter says:
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    Hilarious. And – yes – Mark Prior is, indeed, a special needs pitcher.

  6. royce! says:
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    I concur with (almost) everyone above, this post is hilarious. Perhaps Palin should take a detour, follow in Bush’s footsteps, and buy the Padres. They’ve got some special needs.

    Also, the list of presidential facts was amazing, b/c almost all are, in a way, true. I don’t believe the FDR fun fact, but interestingly enough, FDR died exactly 68 years after the catcher’s mask was first used in a baseball game (both occurred April 12.)

    And I think the Marshall Plan didn’t include Japan, but I could be wrong about that.

  7. Dim says:
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    Great effort, but at least 17 of her sentences should end with “also”.

  8. BigFatHippo says:
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    Pure genious Rudy, but to be politically* correct you have to interview Hillary now. I’d pay to read that.

    * I find it interesting that the word “politics” comes from the latin “poly” meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood sucking creatures.”

  9. thanks all for the positive feedback!

    @royce!: you’re right…marshall plan was only for europe. last time i hire stephen glass as my fact-checker…

  10. jonathan says:
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    absolutely hilarious.

    i forwarded this out to all my friends. fantasy baseball geeks and non fantasy baseball geeks alike.

    anyone (“conservatives” or “liberals”) who defend palin are a disgrace to america.

  11. Funny! And well done. I just had my laugh for the morning! ;)

  12. Doug Ault says:
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    @Rudy:I kept waiting for you to ask if the “first dude” is a pitcher or a catcher? ;-)

  13. @Doug Ault: Well, she’s just running for VP…not sure what the VP’s mate is called – second lady/man? But based on what I’ve seen to date, I’d guess that Cindy McCain is a catcher and Michelle Obama is a pitcher…

  14. Jeff says:
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    Did you just compare Sarah Palin to John C. Calhoun? That could be the funniest thing I’ve read in months (and the side-by-side pictures are freakin’ classic).

    Mad props for filling in the drab off-season with clever and unusual content!

  15. Jeff says:
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    You know what else I just noticed? In the picture you included of Sarah Palin she looks like she is about to squeeze out a juicy fart!

    Sorry, I know that’s juvenile, but tell me I’m wrong!?!

  16. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    Right on, Rudy. I’ve been absent from fantasy baseball-dom for a while. This was a fun read.

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