B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall. You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings. I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched. How dare you, sir. In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing. How. Dare. You. Sir. Upton’s day-to-day with a shoulder strain. He’ll probably miss a few days, unless he thinks he’s going to play instead of Jennings. Then I might have to Gillooly someone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeff Niemann – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. He was so close to putting together another solid game. Too bad I don’t have him on my fantasy horseshoe team.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer. I don’t own him anywhere so my motives are a bit tainted, but I hope he finishes up the year with a sub-.240 average. If he somehow falls into the 3rd round next year, color me excited.
Jimmy Rollins – To the DL with a Grade 2 strain of the groin. That’s crazy advanced. I never strained my groin until, like, the 8th grade.
Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets. It was so easy that he walked 3 batters just to see what it feels like.
John Mayberry – Another day, another HR. That’s 11 HRs in 189 ABs this year. Raul Ibanez has 5 more HRs in 240 more ABs. Cust kayin’, Charlie.
Hunter Pence – 2 for 3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs as he clearly is taking to the city of Tastykakes and Cheese Steaks. It’s got to make Ruben Amaro feel better that his fleecing of Ed Wade isn’t limited to just pitchers (Oswalt, Lidge).
Jose Constanza – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain. Fredi is probably finding out if Constanza can play on crutches instead of playing Heyward. Hey, Constanza, the ocean called, it’s running out of non-phenoms.
Tommy Hanson – Said his shoulder feels fine. You know what I don’t like? When a pitcher feels the need to say his shoulder feels fine. Can all pitchers agree to go mum on the whole shoulder business? Mum is the word, is the word, is the word…
Jonny Venters – Got the save yesterday because Kimbrel had been used a lot recently and Venters had been used a lot recently but Venters’s life coach is Scott Proctor.
Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Reminds me a bit of John Ely when he first was called up. Hey, whatever happened to John Ely?
James Loney – 7 for his last 8. Yawn. Wake me when he gets his homers into the double digits.
Travis Hafner – To the DL with a strained right foot. He stepped on his old football helmet that was being used as a beer cooler during a recent BBQ.
Ross Detwiler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has put together four straight decent starts. Yes, ‘decent’ is less than a quality start. I wouldn’t grab him in any league. Yes, I’m only talking about him because yesterday was a short schedule day.
Adrian Beltre – Ran at 75% yesterday. I walk at 35% with a cane and a limp while wearing a chinchilla fur coat.
Justin Morneau – Out with a sore foot, but the good news is, depending on whether you own him or not, his x-rays were negative. The bad news, again dependent on ownership, he’s going for an MRI on Tuesday if his foot isn’t feeling better. Now try and figure out what you’re hoping for.
Chris Narveson – After throwing 5 1/3 shutout innings, he left his start with a cracked fingernail. That once knocked my mom out of action for an entire afternoon. Couldn’t make me lunch or anything. Godspeed, Narveson. Maybe you can get an endorsement with Lee Press-On.
Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Greinkes! Just when you think it’s safe to start him everywhere every time out, he gets dunderblown by the Pirates.
Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games. He’s also hitting .429 in August. I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’s head just yet, but he is having a solid year.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer. He’s also batting .293 on the year. Aren’t you glad you got him off your team back in April? What a relief!
Ben Revere – 1-for-5 but probably made the best play of the year. Too bad my fantasy league doesn’t have a Web Gems category.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last nine with a homer. Must… resist… urge… to… pick… up… Astros… hitters.
Brian Bogusevic – Hit his 4th homer yesterday. Before you think about picking him up, remember he’s a herbathrowdite.
Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4 with a homer. The Pirates trade deadline deal is paying immediate dividends!
Jose Tabata – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader, has now hit in every game since his return with two homers. He’s at 31% owned in ESPN leagues. Even assuming 50% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, that figure seems low.
Andrew McCutchen – Sat out the nightcap and Daniel McCutchen got the win. Wait a second, I saw that episode of Family Ties when Alex had two dates to the prom. Did Daniel McCutchen enter the game wearing a different color tie?
Starlin Castro – Received a mental day off yesterday. The Cubs gave Carlos Zambrano 4 mental days off out of 5 and look how well that turned out.