Greetings ya’ll! Tis I yet again, Tehol Beddict, legendary bull-fighter, master class stripper, fantasy sports champion, and the west coasts top male escort 3 years running. Tis true, my name has been associated with much folklore, for I have gone balls deep more often and more ferociously than THIS grand creature. That’s right, click that link, turn the lights down low, turn up the volume and get a clearer picture of what I’m speaking of. But I come to you today, not to boast about my seemingly constant erotic encounters, but to give a little insight on fantasy baseball, though in a strange way they both go together. Ok, so they really don’t. Hopefully that didn’t get many of you “Magic the Gathering” players too excited. Anyway, this week’s session will consist of me comparing some players who have stood out to me all season with some of hip hop’s most famous rappers. I will even include the best single lines of these rapper’s career, so that’s something to get pumped about right? This genius idea was inspired by young Kendrick Lamar’s controversial verse on Big Sean’s new record, Control, where son came in and claimed both the east and west coast throne. Kendrick has the streets talking and this priceless Adolph Hitler response has kept me in tears all night. I’m guessing many of you would prefer me comparing bands like Pearl Jam and Guns and Roses but we’ll save that till Axl Rose dies, which could be as soon as next week. This is just part one and the end will consist of some short blurbs of what else went on this week in fantasy baseball so skip to the bottom if you like. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!? No? Oh well, lets do it.
Miguel Cabrera/Jay-Z- I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, Man! Though, I’m not personally a Jigga fan, it’s hard to argue with Hova’s success. He’s come out on top in all of his battles, minus Nas Ethering him of course. “You 36 in the karate class?” Cabrera has come through in similar fashion, batting nearly 360 with 38 jacks and 115 RBI’s. After winning the triple crown last season, Cabrera is making his case for being one of the 5 greatest hitters of all time. You don’t have to like him, but you better respect him. Tehol got 99 problems but a B#@ch ain’t one. Hit me!
Albert Pujols/50 Cent- Maybe I’m so disrespectful cause to me you’re a mystery. I know ni**as from ya hood, you have no history. Never poked nothin’, never popped nothin’, ni**a stop frontin’. Let’s get one thing clear. 50-Cent is your boy beddict’s favorite rapper of all time. The way he obliterated Ja Rule aka Stuart Little’s career is what inspired me to start writing. If you truly study the background, you will find that Fifty is the “realest” rapper of all time as I’m not into these lyrical hipsters. Yes, his lyrics have deteriorated over time and he’s seemingly forgotten about his most powerful weapon, Lloyd Banks, but there is no greater rags to riches story, maybe in our great nation’s history. Like 50-Cent, Pujols once bullied opposing pitchers into submission and made his claim as one of the best to ever do it. Unfortunately, Prince Albert has also fallen off in the same fashion as Mr. Cent, as his body continues to break down and his have been more flaccid than Bob Dole before the Viagra. When it comes to these two warriors, I pray for the best, but expect the worst. G-G-G-G-G-G-G G-Unit! Beddict’s in the houuuuuse! Bad newz (possibly greatest rap song of all time).
Mike Trout/Kendrick Lamar- I’m important like the pope/I’m a muslim on pork/I’m Makaveli’s offspring, I’m the king of New York
King of the Coast, one hand, I juggle them both/The juggernaut’s all in your jugular, you take me for jokes. Oh snap son, Kendrick made me choke on my chitlins when I heard this outlandish boast. I cannot tell a lie like my boy George Washington said, and K.Dot positively murdered this song. It’s hard for me to truly respect a 5 foot 2 hipster, but it’s becoming more and more difficult to not give him respect. I suppose you could say he took my respect by force in the same manner I took Nick Capozzi’s manhood or even in the same fashion Bishop Eddie Long reached so many of his pupils. Did I say reach? What I meant was, he gave the old reach around to many of his young pupils. Anyway, these lyrics have caused an uproar in the hip-hop community and I, for one, am enthralled. I can’t stand when everyone gets along. Show me the beef ya’ll. Mike Trout is the Kendrick Lamar of baseball. He’s young, talented, underpaid, and by far the most gifted individual in his crew/team. The Angels are an absolute tragedy and I truly feel for Trout as his numbers are all for naught. The one they call the fish has truly been blessed by the elder gods, and if it wasn’t for the aforementioned Cabrera, Trout would unquestionably be the greatest player in fantasy baseball, but after this season he will have no peers. Bow down and witness a man touched by the gods. By the way, I hated Kendrick Lamar’s debut album, but he did show respect to his elders and feature the legendary MC Eight on this classic. Cheeeeeeea.
Prince Fielder/Fat Joe- Creep with me as I cruise in my Beamer, all the kids in the ghetto call me Don Cartagena. I’m obviously comparing this two because they’re both disgustingly obese and both are having down years. Fat Joe is going to jail for tax evasion and Fielder is going through a divorce, with both of these events causing sub-par performances. Joey Crack’s two claims to fame are discovering Big Pun (RIP) and dropping the hood to country club crossover classic, Lean Back. Big Punisher is the most underrated rapper of all time in my opinion and I mourn his death by drinking at least one 40 ounce of old E with my beans and rice on a daily basis. Fielder has let me down the past couple seasons but I don’t expect the decline to continue. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Fat Joseph. He’s done. Hopefully chunky Joe isn’t forced lean over to often in the clink.
Logan Morrison/Lil B tha Based God- Hopped up in my car (swag!) then I drop my roof.Wet like wonton soup. That’s just how I do (swag!).Then I park my car, then I f**k your b!tch. Eat that wonton soup, wet like wonton soup. Both of these young men somehow have a huge fan base. If you can explain to me why, I’ll give you’re significant other a free night in the sack. Lo-M0, who has regressed since his rookie year, even responded to one of my written barbs on twitter, so he gets a smidgeon of my respect for that, anyway. I wrote a blog for another site years ago bashing Lil B and I have never received so many responses on a blog and they were all defending the Based God’s honor. Seriously, they just come out of the wood work. I’m assuming those days are gone considering THIS happened in his own hood. His album “I’m Gay,” didn’t too numbers either. Shocking, I know. Though I’m not a fan of either, I firmly believe they’d both be superb guests on the razzball podcast, so Based God and Lo-Mo, if you’re reading this, stop by anytime. Swag, swag, swag.
Derek Jeter/Kanye West- what you think I rap for? To push a f**kin Rav4? Both of these heavyweights stay in the tabloids for their off field/record exploits and both have fallen off their A-game. Kanye killed every feature for a year or two then dropped one of the worst rap albums I’ve ever witnessed, Yeezuz. The album is pure garbage and now serves as beer coaster on my coffee table. Jeter can’t stay healthy so unfortunately for him I had to group him with Kanye. Both have taken down a bevy of dime pieces in their day but here’s to hoping Jetes doesn’t settle down with the village bicycle as West did. Shizz, I prefer Amber Rose to that dead fish in the sack, Kim Kardashian. I’m not riding with either of these dudes in 2013.
Domonic Brown/Lloyd Banks- I gotta have bucks on the waist, I’m hungry like a south african with flys stuck to his face. Other than Chris Davis, “Sir Domonic” has been the year’s biggest steal of the fantasy baseball draft. I was ridiculed by people like Sky for reaching to the 8th round to grab this beautiful man, but I haven’t heard him mention it lately. He continues to rake and I fully believe we’ve found a star for years to come. In my not at all humble opinion, Lloyd Banks is the most underrated rapper alive right now. How he’s not a superstar blows my mind on a twice daily basis. His old mix tapes disintegrate any album I’ve heard in the last 5 years. For this, I can only blame the aforementioned 50-cent. It honest to the gods breaks my huge heart. I mean, how can you listen to THIS, and tell me he’s not the greatest? That’s like sitting here and telling me I’m not the greatest fantasy competitor of all time, or that Dom Brown isn’t a top 5 outfielder in the national league. Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.
Alex Rodriguez/Drake- Started from the bottom now we here. These fraudulent characters need to be pimp-slapped with the truth as I for one can’t take it anymore. I know I praised A-dong last week and I meant some of it and part of me feels bad for attacking him at all this week, but he was the only guy in baseball I could think of to compare to the charmin-soft Drake. Pay-Rod has been living a lie and is considered one of the fakest athletes of all time by teammates, media members and fans alike. That being said, Drake makes A-Rod look like Honest Abe Lincoln, for he is the fakest rapper I’ve ever seen with the possible exception of Tyga. Aubrey, you grew up in Canada with your fairly well off mother, then went on to star as the nerd in the wheel chair on “Degrassi High.” Enough! I can’t take it anymore. Now he’s running around acting tough and beefing with R&B singers. I pray to the Elders that some aspiring rapper catches him slipping and whips the skin of this cupcake. I still like A-Rod for a rest of season add. He’s the best I ever had.
That’s it for part one of rapper/player comparisons. Here’s what else I witnessed this past week.
Sonny Gray - 8 dominant innings with 9 ks should gain your attention. Though it was against the Astros, I am fully a believer in this hog. I picked up last week when he was at 1% ownership. I’m the hoochie and you’re the salmon; swallow me and submit to my command.
Tony Cingrani - Pretty shocked this italian stallion has kept this up. He’s an honest to goodness must start every time out. The K-rate is phenomenal and the ERA is well below 3. Cingrani owners don’t miss Johnny Cueto one bit. Praise Tony for the legend he has already become and you shall be blessed with even greater success. It shall be done.
Zack Wheeler - Two dominant starts in a row means The enterprising Mr. Beddict is picking Wheelz back up. Zachariah is throwing some funky stuff out there. He’s bakin a loaf of bread and it smells like sourdough. Pick up if you still can.
Brandon Belt - The man is hotter than the heathens burning in the darkest pits of Hood’s domain. Insert and pound into your opposition until they call you their King.
Matt Wieters - Wieters has been a real spark plug for all of my fantasy rosters this season. I’m sorry, did I say spark plug? I meant Butt-plug (joke never gets old).
Dan Haren - Danny H. is showing me a little somethin, somethin. I’d add him for sho. I ain’t even playin ya’ll.
Tommy Hanson - The disgust I’ve felt when owning Hanson has only been matched one time in my life: the time I did Roseanne’s bachelorette party and drilled both her and the chick who player her sister on the show. You know, the one who came out as gay. That’s right kids, Beddict’s so hot even the lesbians can’t resist him. That was an awful night.
Chris Davis - 60 bombs is doable at this point. Witness.
Danny Farquhar - After showing the kind of dominance I imagine Suge Knight showed on Snoop Dogg in the deathrow days, Lord Farquad got bent over and railed Wednesday night. I’m guessing Suge “Bishop Eddie Longed” Snoop Dogg a couple Wednesday nights as well. Hopefully he bounces back like Snoop did and that horrible night becomes a distant memory.
Ok ladies and gents, Beddict has to make a run out to Bellvue to service Paul Allen’s wife. Shhh, don’t tell nobody. I won’t be away this weekend so your comments will be responded to with quickness and with grace. Please follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47 and we can compare rods via DM. Football season is almost here so check for me in the football section. It’s been a real treat. I’m gone.