The love has been sucked out of the room for Justin Upton. His fantasy value went skydiving. After it went Rocky Mountain climbing. He went from totally chic to totally geek in 2.7 seconds on the back of a bull named “You, Man, Are Phooey.” (Where I grew up bulls had thoroughbred-like horse names.) If we can all remember back to April, with her freckles– Oh, wait, was thinking of the wrong April. I meant the month. *embarrassed Lisa Simpson giggle* In April, Upton look the world by the nuts and put a roof over every homeless person’s head. Turned out that those roofs were just sheets of matzoh and they got soggy during a rain-out in May. May you’re supposed to bring flowers! Upton’s HR/FB in April wasn’t maintainable (38.7%) and his badonkadonks flattened. He’s also not a 1 homer per month guy. On our last 30-day Player Rater, he has a -$7 value. That’s the same as Sugar Shane Robinson and Pedro Flori-none and Lyle Overbite. That’s not even near Upton’s value. His owners are panicked. Was Upton a one month guy? If he’s healthy, he’s not. He’s just slumping. This is a guy that regularly touched .800 OPS and is now barely cracking .550. I see no reason why he can’t be a 5-homer, .280 hitter every month for the rest of the year with a handful of steals. If someone has him and is sick from his roller coaster ride, I’d strap myself in sans barf bag and trade for him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
John Jaso – In a platoon with Derrek Norris — or as I like to call it, Jason Orris, but Jaso has been hitting recently. Jaso’s more of deep league look, so go put on your snorkel, Cousteau.
Miguel Montero – April and May wasn’t a good time to be a Montero. A bunch of Muttsubishi Monteros that you couldn’t move off your lot quick enough. In May, Montero has been hitting .288, but the power still hasn’t showed up. Yet. Ah, yet, you turn me around with your word.
Mitch Moreland – The guy who was breaking out until he broke down is returning today. Hopefully, he can pick up where he left off. Mitch, don’t kill my vibe.
Nick Franklin – I wouldn’t go as far to say he’s Franklin Mint, but he’s more valuable than anything you have from Franklin Mint.
Logan Forsythe – A So-Cal Forsythe would naturally lead you to think he’s an Angel. He’s not, but at least he’s not gnarly. By the way, the Padres tried to do a Charlie’s Angels inspired poster but it just looked like two guys running out of a giant bush. I blame Kyle Blanks’s afro.
Anthony Rendon – This week is like the opposite of the Middle Infieluenza of 2012. I spy lots of MIs.
Gordon Beckham – He’s hitting .320 with 0 homers. Hope is a four letter word. Give Gordon hype and watch him burn. Oh, but Beckham’s not that old. Eric Young could outperform him in three days, but I’m not that bold. That stupid song is so stuck in my head it’s like I have a Top 40 deejay in my head from the moment I wake up. Here’s an invention, a pill you take to get a song out of your head. Hmm, maybe that’s a roofie.
Cody Ransom – He has five homers in the last 9 games. He’s also only played 8 games all of June. You’d think the Cubs had great options. They’re confusing today’s lineup with the 1898 club when they were powered by Skeets McGolly, Yitz Iain’tajewpleaseplayme and Barry Pall, who ate a dodo bird before every game, convinced they would never go extinct.
Pedro Ciriaco – If you’re in a deepish league where Franklin, Forsythe, Rendon, et al (not the Israeli airline) are all taken, I think Ciriaco can have solid value. He could steal 7 bases in a few short weeks. BTW, are there only Red Sox fans who play at ESPN? Last year, Ciriaco was snatched up immediately when he was in Beantown. Now, he’s at 0.1% owned. This year, Jose Iglesias went from 0% owned to 60% in like 3 days. The Jose Iglesias who hit .202 in the minor leagues this year and .118 for the Red Sox last year. Is Web Gems a more popular category in fantasy leagues than I know?
Nolan Arenado – Looking under a rock that’s labeled, “Whelmed,” and there’s Arenado. Still, I have faith that he could get crazy hot in the summer in Coors.
Mike Aviles – Has done well since he took over for Asdrubal (.300+ average), but the problem has been is he’s Martin Prado’ing it all over his stats with little to no power or speed. Counting stats he’s got up the wazoo! That’s also a great line to not be overheard saying in a bar if you want to talk to a girl ever. “Counting stats he’s got up the wazoo! Oh, hey, what’s your name, sunshine?”
Brian Dozier – I went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and figure it out.
Trevor Plouffe – Returned this week from a concussion, and, unlike most guys that happens to, he looks better than when he left. Rovert against the norm!
Will Venable – I know getting excited about Padre hitters is hard. Well, trying to get you excited about Padre hitters is like trying to tell a kid that Brussels sprouts are good. Gotta trust me, Venable is good right now and won’t make your pee smell funny.
Leonys Martin – He had 7 steals in May and five so far in June. Martin & Runnin’s no Laugh-In matter.
Josh Reddick – Here’s a good test. If Reddick’s not owned in your league, you should be in a deeper league. You see there’s leaders and there’s followers, but I’d rather be in a league where Reddick is owned than any shallower.
Tyler Colvin – This kinda goes for all Rockies hitters. You should own them, but you might need to bench them in away games. Even the Hitter-Tron is hip to that. He’s also hip to how to turn on a DVD player in a way you’ve never seen.
Peter Bourjos – SAGNOF!
Eric Young – SAGNOF Jr.!
Gregor Blanco – SAGNOF Jr. Jr.!
Brandon Moss – He hit 21 homers last year. He already has 13 homers in 67 games this year. Rather than stashing, say, Oscar Taveras, wouldn’t it make more sense to play Moss when he plays? Rhetorical!
Thomas Neal – Kidding. WHO IS THIS GUY?!
Erasmo Ramirez – I suggest you grab him now before I make him the lede in next week’s Buy. In Nick, the podcast host, voice, “You have been advised.”
Rick Porcello – Yes, he looked like the old Porcello in his last start that used to sing back-up to Feist on the Mushaboom track, but Porcello should still be owned.
Jordan Lyles – Selling Astros pitchers to you is like selling Brussels sprouts to a kid out of a tinted van from 500 feet away. Lyles is similar to Porcello in that he was rushed to the majors and is still very young and should be usable now in all leagues, and potentially a huge breakout for next year.
Dillon Gee – He’s not in the Lyles-Porcello mold, which has floating pieces of pineapple. Gee is a solid four to five fantasy starter without huge upside.
Chris Tillman – As I just said, “He’s flirting with being a usable pitcher for every league, but his walks are a tad high. Luckily, he’s leaving a lot of men on, which isn’t the best way to succeed. I could see taking the Tillman flyer, but he’s not a safe bet.” And that’s me quoting me!
Jason Vargas – Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and so do I. SON, “Thanks for the vote of confidence. For a while I felt like you were liking Hitter-Tron, or even, dare I say, the Buysellatops more than me. Like you weren’t even listening when I–” Okay, moving on.
Corey Kluber – How is he only owned in 11% of leagues? I get it, he sounds like he sells glow sticks at a rave, but his K-rate is near 9 and walk rate is below 2. Those are near-ace numbers. You shouldn’t need anything else.
Koji Uehara – Here’s a short story on frustration. Last time Bailey was injured, I grabbed Uehara in every league. I knew he was the better man for the job. The Red Sox thought Junichi was, and I was SAGNOF-blocked. So, this time I know Bailey is donezo before anyone else, and I learned my lesson. This time I would grab Junichi. So, the Red Sox named Koji closer. WHAT THE EFFIN’ EFF?!
Yoervis Furez – Wilhelmsen has looked like Jesse Helms at a same-sex marriage ceremony. Unfortch, the shituation in M-town doesn’t have me wanting to knock boots. It could be anyone from Medina to Perez to Furbush, which sounds like a double play in a DEA softball league. Let’s just hope Seattle can contain it’s closepocalypse.
Domonic Brown – It’s with great regret I say Domonic Brown is a sell. I have a great rue that is turning Brown. I am Rue McClanahan talking about those golden whirls of his bat. Ain’t that right, boo? Rue. Brown isn’t a 40+ homer guy as his current pace suggests. I’d love if he were. He does have 30+ homer power and 15 steal speed. He’s already over 20 homers and at 8 steals. If you have him, you have probably two-thirds of his season’s stats. I wouldn’t trade him for a ColecoVision but I would explore options.
Carlos Gonzalez – For a moment, I’m going to take you back to last Thursday. Time travel makes some people nauseous so stare at one spot. *wavy lines* Okay, you can stop staring at that spot. Hello! Over here! All right, good. So, last Thursday, you groaned, CarGo was pulled from the game, looked like he was injured after taking a Pacheco foul ball off his foot. You knew it was too good to be true. CarGo can’t stay healthy, you said. Then you went out, had twelve Lemon Drop shots and returned the next morning with lots of regret, promising to never drink again and CarGo was hitting again. When someone mentioned the CarGo injury from Thursday, you thought they meant the vomit you sprayed inside your Tercel. CarGo has played more than 140 games once in his career. He could go 40/30 if he stays healthy, but that ‘if’ is the size of your enlarged liver. I wouldn’t trade CarGo for a blind date with Jane Lynch, but I would start to look to see what you can get before the injury hits. Oh, crap, I just realized something. I don’t know how to get us back from last Thursday.