Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?! He never plays. Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney? Manzo! (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.) Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick. You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers! (Thanks, Lil Penny.) Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday. If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program. Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two. Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game. Manzo! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.” Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.
Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury. Manzo! Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.” Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear. Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?” The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers. The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first? Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.
Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps. Must be that time of the month.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week. I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.” And that’s me bestowing on you!
Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year. As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight. AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.
Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Guess what time it is, ya’ll?! No, not 8:28 AM. I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant. It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams. In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09. Yup.
Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery. If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon. And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job. It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place. However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.
Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow. Sounds like he should be okay. Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Noob Hint Alert! If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good. When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.
Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run. When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week? I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this. 3 homers this week? 4?
Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH. That’s the good news. Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.
Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run. He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday. At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones. There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.
Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks. Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.
Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist. Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.
Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games. People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around. Looks like he’s providing an answer.
Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection. My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.
Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better. And he was better yesterday. See how that works?
Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games. The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base. In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty! He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues. Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low. In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals. Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own. And him too.
Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run. Whatever, you don’t need that.
Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain. Geez, lots of injuries this weekend. Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.
Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.
Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL. You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning? Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball. Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century. Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare. Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation? A cockroach, for instance. Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”
Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie. Hopefully things work out better this time. Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!
Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”) Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run. Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games. Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.
Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee. Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look. I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.
Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation. He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback. If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them? So juvenile.