Happy Fourth of July, unless you own Yasiel Puig, then you’re wondering if A) He’s healthy B) Where was Carlos Quentin during this? If you haven’t seen it, here’s another look of Puig crashing into the wall. Why do I suddenly want to buy a Subaru? This comes the same day he won Player and Rookie of the Month honors. That’s the first time a player has won Player of the Month honors their first month in the majors. It’s not the first time a player has won Rookie of the Month honors in their first month. If that’s surprising, you should take your medication. After crashing into the wall, Puig originally stayed in the game and he’s a cyborg, so I think he escaped without anything serious happening. Right now, he’s listed as day-to-day with a bruised hip and thigh. Let’s hope it heals quickly because I just sold my Cougar’s engagement ring for 3,000 Yasiel Puig rookie cards. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Marmol – Dodgers traded for him, then sent him to the minors. Sounds like the Dodgers are taking a page from fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) when they pick up Marmol, think twice and drop him.
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners (7 BBs), 4 Ks. I get that it was in Coors, but what a garbage start this was. Seven walks? What are you doing, your best YoGa impersonation? What’s that pose called? Downward facing fantasy starter? I really think something’s still wrong with his collarbone and I’m actively trying to trade him. Nick, the podcast host, voice, “You have been advised.”
Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. If you listened to the fantasy baseball podcast yesterday, you know Kemp is the player I’m most excited about buying low right now. Go to it, young prematurely balding man!
Hanley Ramirez – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 7th homer, and I’d still be looking at selling Hanley. Hopefully that turns out better than my Chris Davis sell about 77 homers ago.
Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 5 ER. The little blue pill you took turned into an after-dinner regret mint.
Carlos Quentin – 3-for-4, 1 run. Why couldn’t you have finished the job on Greinke?!
Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in Fenway. I figured this was a stand alone start by a below-average starter, then I looked at his last few starts and he’s put together a 2.70 ERA in his last five and goes home in his next start. He’s not for the faint of heart (or feint), but he could be a nice little streamer.
Clay Buchholz – Could be back right after the All-Star break, saying yesterday that he’s “finally turned a corner.” Hopefully, it was a U-turn and not a K-turn.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Padres. Unfortch, his fantasy owners scared everyone around them while he was pitching with chants of “Mo’ Lester!”
Ike Davis – Mets announced that Davis is not being called up yesterday. The Mets went on to announce the sky is blue, water is wet and the rockin’ robin rocks in the tree top all day long, hoppin’ and boppin’ and singin’ his song.
Josh Satin – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting near .500 in the last week and is the reason why the Mets are in no hurry to promote Ike. Well, that and the fact Davis went 1-for-178 when he was with them. Satin is the anti-Davis (and the anti-Christ). He doesn’t really have great power or any speed or a pitchfork, but he’s excellent with taking a walk, could hit .300 and get played by Al Pacino — who-AH, I’m Satin! Reminds me a bit of Lyle Overbay, which isn’t a fun comparison. So let’s say he reminds me of Peter Lorre. That’s fun!
Cody Ross – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last three games. The hot streak I’ve been saying will come at some point this year? It’s here. Grab him now! Seriously.
Heath Bell – Got the save yesterday. Well, I have him again on my team and I am so torn on whether or not I should be happy about it.
Randall Delgado – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (0 BB), 9 Ks, 3.67 ERA and a K per inning. Delgado has been a touted prospect in the past, but he hasn’t been able to keep his control under, uh, yeah… He currently has a walk rate below two. If he can keep that going, he’s going to be a huge waiver wire pick up. It’s still early, homes, I didn’t say he would keep that solid control. I said if he can. I looked to pick him up, but felt I didn’t need the risk, but if you do, I could see grabbing him.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. He was hurt by a two-out, 3-run homer by Justin Ruggiano, so this start wasn’t as bad as it looks. Comforting? How about this afghan I knitted for you that has a giant squirrel eating Cracker Jack? Better?
Brian McCann – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer and third this week. I want to do some Manchurian Candidate shizz with Salvador Perez and make him watch McCann hitting homers.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting near .500 in the last week. You can wait until Friday’s Buy, or you can grab him now. Your choice! Or not.
Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Where was this start when I streamed him last week vs. the Padres?! Yeezus fargin’ Nolasc-hole!
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (9). According to our Player Rater, Ruggiano has been better than Austin Jackson, Ben Revere, Josh Hamilton (well, of course), Ichiro, Victorino, Bourn and Werth, to name some that are owned in 70% more leagues than Ruggiano.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Fine, he’schavarria hot! Pick him up if you need a hot schmotato.
Paul Konerko – It ain’t easy to hit the Disgraceful List as a hitter, but Konerko pulled it off. Don’t worry, there will be some people next year who hit the comments with, “Grey, your ‘stache warms my cockles on a cold night, but Konerko is ranked way too low. He says he’s healthy, boi!”
Jesse Crain – Hit the DL with a shoulder sprain. That’s a real shame; he was having a nice season. Did that sound sincere at all? How am I going to write vows for my wedding? I can’t even be sincere about one of the best middle relievers.
Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Another guy that crapped all over my fantasy team and called it porridge last week only to do this after I dropped him. I need to start looking forward instead of back as my shrink tells me. Forward: Santiago gets the Cubs next which isn’t a terrible start.
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Finally, he’s off the schneid! Or off the Schneider, for completists. Beckham has 9 RBIs on the year (ha!), but is batting .333 and is hitting near-.400 in the last week.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 198th homer. Two more to beat Barry Bonds’ pre-All-Star game record from one of those steroid-fueled years.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-3, 2 runs and eight for his last 16. No Ma’caca, no Ma’caca!
Matt Holliday – Sat out again with a pinched nerve in his neck. Well, it is the summer Holliday season.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Solid bounce back start after getting roughed up for 9 ER in his previous 7 1/3 IP. That’s the good news. Bad news, he probably only has about 60 innings left and after the Cardinals moved Lynn into the bullpen last year to save his arm, I wouldn’t be surprised if we see the same thing with Miller this year. I imagine around mid-August this becomes a major issue. Hopefully not sooner.
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .324. Also, Jon Jay went 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .243, which is an anagram of Carpenter’s batting line and an anagram of Carpenter is Narc Peter and Jon Jay is a judge and there’s nothing to object to in the Cards offense. See?!
Matt Garza – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. It’s an extravaGarza!
CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.06 vs. the Twins. CC has a career ERA under 3.00 against Minnesota. Know why? Cause he just eats up those Twinkies.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer and third this week. Plouffe goes the dynamite! I’d definitely pick him up if I were struggling at corner infidel.
Roberto Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K. No great Ks in this game, but he’s rocking a solid K-rate on the year and I lurve his next start vs. the Twins. I’ve already stashed him, FWIWerth.
Chris Carter – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers (16, 17). If I saw him on waivers, would I say gimme Carter? If I needed power or had a hankering for peanuts.
Alex Gordon – Left yesterday’s game after colliding with the wall. Major League Baseball needs to get rid of the walls! Gordon might have a concussion and could miss some time. He was chasing a Kipnis fly ball that turned into an inside-the-parker. Do you see what you do Kipnis when you don’t regress? Now there’s blood on your hands.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. He’s starting to get the hang of this whole giving fantasy value thing. Maybe next Mostsuckass will get in on it…. Nah!
Ryan Braun – Ron Roenicke is now saying Braun could return before the All-Star break. If I had a Roenickel every time this guy changed his mind, I’d have about the same amount I make from running a fantasy baseball blog.
Kyle Lohse – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.43 ERA. Due to his lack of walks, he now has two and a half seasons in a row where he’s looked completely usable if you’re fine getting no Ks. Yet, he elicits about as much excitement in me as finding out who killed Rose Lawson. Screw you, The Killing! How do you end the first season and not freakin’ tell me who killed her?! Are you kidding me?! You’re gonna make me watch another season of rainy weather where not one single person has an umbrella? Buy an umbrella, you gooftards!
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Member last year when he had like two months straight of 3-for-5 games? He used to get steals too, didn’t he? What happened there?
Ross Detwiler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. This was The One Where Ross Looks Usable But Really Isn’t And Phoebe Writes A Silly Song.
Tony Cingrani – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. Pretty scary start. Oh so close to a roofie’ing. Luckily, this time he had a weak opponent. He gets the Brewers next and that could be a mess if he starts walking guys like yesterday.
Max Scherzer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks to move his record to 13-0 and his ERA to 3.09. I wonder if I can get a skywriter to make emojis over Scherzer’s head.
Alex Avila – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Since he’s returned (2 games), he’s 3-for-7 with 5 RBIs. I like Avila a lot for upside, even though he hasn’t given much reason to in the last 15 months. Maybe he’s finally breaking out now, I say as I scratch my chin.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He now has a modest 5-game hitting streak as he hits over .300 in the last week. Might be a decent time to start shopping at V-Mart for counting stats and clothes your friends can make fun of.
Jeff Locke – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. I feel like we’re about three innings away from his 2.12 ERA becoming 3-something, then 4-something. Member the way the Pirates crashed in the 2nd half of last year? It’s coming again. Too bad major league teams don’t make fantasy-like trades. They don’t ever try to sell high if they’re in the pennant race. I’d tell you to sell Locke, as well, but who the hell is buying Locke? The man in black playing Senet on the beach?
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. His name is Pedro from Pittsburgh. His Craiglist Missed Connections name is Pedro from Pittsburgh. They are one in the same. He keeps things simple, and hits homers.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th steal. Thank you, Ganesha, that he’s stealing a bunch because he only has 9 homers, which is terrific…For a middle infielder.
Jason Grilli – 1 IP, 2 ER. Still notched the save and has a 2.15 ERA on the year, but I bet you five OTI dollars that Melancon and his 0.87 ERA gets saves by August.
John Lannan – 5 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 5 Ks. Phils are in trade talks for Lannan. One rumor has him going to China for three cart-pushing, dim sum ladies.
Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting almost .500 in the last week. A hot schmotato is a dish best served hot. Hence the name.
Domonic Brown – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Kinda insane he’s on pace for 40+ homers. I mean, I don’t think he comes anywhere near that number, but it’s still crazy. Cust kayin’.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 K, 2.78 ERA. See that guy walking down the street? Yeah, him. He could have a sub-3 ERA on the A’s and/or hit 20 homers. They’re charmed.
Jarrod Parker – Pushed back to Saturday. Hope it was a light push, he has a sore hamstring.
Dan Straily – Will now start in Parker’s place today vs. the Cubs. I imagine the Stream-o-Nator won’t have this start updated for today, so I’ll give you my take. *clearing throat* Oh, wait a minute, I’m writing, not talking. The Cubs aren’t the 1927 Blue Jays, but they just did work against Alfredo Jettuccine, so I’d avoid Straily and his 5.00 ERA in most leagues. Then again, they’re charmed. You puzzle me, A’s.
Jerome Williams – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. *opening the window* Screaming, “Watch out, Jerome Williams is falling back to earth!”
Tom Wilhelmsen – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 17th save. Womb Tilhelmsen is back in his happy place, closing games. BTW, when someone asks where your birthplace is, say just south of your mother’s vagina.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12 homer, and third this week. Seager’s got Night Moves.
Derek Holland – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, 3.13 ERA vs. M’s. This comes after his shutout in Yankees Stadium. Muah! That’s me blowing my two lips at Holland.
Alexi Ogando – Set to start his rehab assignment on Saturday, which would have him return in about ten days. Fun fact! Ogando writes parables under the name O Gonad.
Manny Ramirez – Signed a deal with the Rangers and will report to Triple-A Round Rock. He’s not the first athlete to hit the minors near Round Rock. Lawrence Taylor comes to mind.