You make plans, and the Fantasy Baseball Overlord laughs. I believe that is how the saying goes. Yesterday, Carlos Gonzalez succumbed to his time-honored tradition of hitting the DL. This time it was due to his finger inflammation. I wonder if his finger plumped up like a Ballpark Frank. By the by, you know the secret ingredient that is used for Ballpark Franks to plump up when you cook them, why is that not used in other foods? This seems to be the cure for world hunger. Inject everything and ship it to Africa. “Nice pancake, colonizer, but can you plump it up?” Yes, we can now little African kid! On his trips to Africa, why is Bono not armed with Ballpark Franks? We need some sodium nitrate up in here! On the bright side of things, Corey Dickerson is now definitely going to get everyday looks for at least the next two weeks and I’d guess it’ll be more like three to four weeks. Grab Dickerson! Whew, glad his name isn’t Dick, er, son. On a side note, “precious cargo” is the stupidest Urban Dictionary definition I’ve ever seen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Archie Bradley – Will return to pitching in the minors in the last week of June, then get promoted sometime in September, then get traded in December for Jose Iglesias. Damn, this new Magic 8 Ball is specific!
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-6, 3 runs and his first homer. Always been more of Tupac man myself, but The Gregorius D.I.D. does have one more game in Coors.
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting over .350 in the last week and has been a mainstay on the top of the Diamondbacks lineup. Who’s got more runs and homers on the year? Ellsbury or Parra? Yup.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. Having your players go to Coors is like you’re playing with house money. You just want to keep going and going.
Miguel Montero – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 6th homer. And the craps table just won’t get cold no matter how slow they try to make it or how douchey the guy next to you is betting the Don’t Pass line.
Gregory Polanco – The Pirates said he was coming up this Friday, then they said he is not coming up this Friday, then they said, “Could someone please explain Super Two status to us? Please.” I told you to grab him two Fridays ago, and that hasn’t changed. He’ll be here any day now, Annie Potts.
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 2 ER, 1 Hit, 7 Ks vs. the Padres. Pretty remarkbuehrle– Oh, wait, he also gave up six free passes. That’s more free passes than your moms got for you and your friends to go to Six Flags. Liriano is complete crizzap, and you should not mess with him.
Jedd Gyorko – Sat yesterday for Jace Peterson, who unequivocally killed his wife. This is the 2nd time in the last week he’s sat. Finally, he told the media he has plantar fasciitis, which is an ailment of the foot but seems like of the I’s. I think it’s a bunch of hooey on the hullabaloney. I’m sorry; he’s just been terrible. Pujols had this last year and still hit. He just couldn’t run. Gyorko hasn’t had to run because he hasn’t hit the ball into play all year. Any the hoo! This is great news; you can now drop him without looking back.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He did get the win, even though the Padres only had one hit yesterday: a bunt single. The Padres would be better off putting in the cleanup spot the bones of Skeets McGillicuddy, who played in 1898 for the Cleveland Spiders and led the majors with 3 homers and five cases of the rubella flu.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. The Blue Jays are like a 1980’s superpower. Actually, they’re even better than how wonderful Reagan told us we were. Hopefully in twenty years the Blue Jays aren’t bankrupt and thinking about moving to China to work in a factory for Made in the USA (by proxy) products.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Pretty whatever start, but against the Blue Jays this was like back-to-back no-hitters. Someone get Johnny Vander Meer’s surviving family to pose for a picture with Porcello. “Okay, can we get one of you two in front of Comerica and to the right of urban decay?”
Matt Cain – Expected back Friday to go against the Mets. If he goes on the DL again and then returns to face the Padres, then again to the DL to return to face the Twins. I’m gonna start to get suspicious.
Tony Cingrani – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Can you say “Soon to be demoted to minors?” If you can’t, you might want to see a speech therapist.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4 and his 7th steal. Been left for dead in most leagues, but the 15-homer, 20-steal speed is still in there somewhere. Not quite time yet to pick him up, but I’d watch him like a cyclops with a monocle.
Mike Trout – His MRI showed only inflammation. I’d be concerned it didn’t also show his back. Maybe bones. A spleen perhaps.
Garrett Richards – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 3.25. xFIP is at 3.38 and K-rate is near-9. He’s similar to Trevor Bauer because there will be some ugly games due to wildness (like Richards’s last game 2/3 IP, 5 ER), but for the most part he should be startable.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last nine games. You waiting until he hits five homers in the next two weeks before adding him? Go to your waivers and look for the guy in a red-striped shirt and skull cap.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 13th steal. Obviously I upset the gods of karma the other day when I said something bad about Dozier. The fault is mine, please don’t take it out on my readers. Well, okay, but just the ones that ask if they should drop a catcher.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer as he returned from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup, if you’re struggling at corner infielder. Is it okay if I give caveats? This job has gotten too hard.”
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA is up to 4.19. With Estrada, you might want to bet your C.H.I.P.S. on someone else.
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. He’s dope like Macklemore rapping about homophobia, not like Macklemore rapping as his altar ego, Jewface.
Matt Carpenter – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Last year, this game would’ve yielded 17 runs and 18 RBIs.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.07. 10 Ks? Now I know how Gary Glitter feels about Minor’s filthy stuff.
A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.41. He just got a new tattoo with a heart surrounding the word, “Career.” Then under it the dates 1999-2013.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 3.10. Next stop the 2.90’s, then the 2.70’s then the 2.80’s then the 2.75’s then– You get the picture.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Fun fact! The 80’s singer Adam Ant’s real name is Adam Anthony.
Denard Span – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting over .450 in the last week and was caught stealing yesterday, which isn’t good — or is it?! Actually, I don’t mind since it was only his 2nd caught stealing and it shows that he’s attempting to run. Hot schmotato, guys and four girl readers!
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal, hitting .216. Whoa, his early season fantasy value really fell here. If he continues to start, his grandma is gonna have to sew him some new bloomers because his bottoms is dropping.
Kevin Gausman – His minor league start was cut short because the O’s need a weekend spot start. Cutting short a guy’s start so he can pitch again in four days vs. the A’s? They should just trade him to the Braves so Fredi can make him a long reliever.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5, 2 runs. No homers. What a loser!
Nick Markakis – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Sparkakis!
Chris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Guess Cruz let him borrow the racquetball-filled bat.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers (7, 8). He’s due for a streak where he goes coo-coo and kooky as Kool Keith.
Luis Sardinas – 3-for-5, 1 run as he started over Andrus for the 2nd time in a week. I hope he isn’t supplanting Andrus, or even going into a platoon. Actually, I kinda do since I just traded Andrus away. I’m a terrible liar. Or am I lying about that?
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. What a snoozefest. Eva Longoria’s got more power in seven-inch stilettos. Let’s go, doode!
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. First multi-hit game since May 10th and that was his only multi-hit game that month. Granted, he did have a dislocated thumb for a few weeks. Waze finally figured out a route to get him to it, but it took three miles of back roads and crossing a highway during rush hour, Frogger-style. Anyone else use this app? Waze is like, “Okay, let’s go…Drive reverse on the 405 in the car pool lane and then make a left onto the airplane runway.”
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer. The Donaldson then went to his penthouse that is furnished like Versailles and said, “His wonderful friends at Ford make a great car, isn’t that right, Ivanka?”
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Still struggling to piece together an extended hot streak, but he looks on the precipice of one. Almost hot schmotato alert!
Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. In his last four starts, he has a 4.44 ERA in 22 1/3 IP. The 4.44 ERA is obviously bad enough to look elsewhere but the number that stands out is 22 1/3 IP in four starts. That’s bad.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Maybe he’ll finally Ellsuncover some power.
Danny Salazar – Hit the Triple-A Disgraceful List. Ending up on the Triple-A Disgraceful List is like having your high school crush spot you walking into the Dollar Store.