In 1977, not only was yours truly introduced to this cruel, crazy beautiful world, but so was a place that would sell the coolest of cool gadgets. Who reading this can say that, as a kid, or even an adult, they didn’t go into a Sharper Image to sit in one of their outrageously overpriced, super comfortable leather massage chairs. The display chairs in those showrooms saw more action than Jenna Jameson did in the late 90s. The Sharper Image was a great place to kill a good 20 minutes while you wife, girlfriend or other female shopping companion went into the stores you had no desire to see the inside of. It was either Sharper Image or Cinnabon, or both. I used to get yelled at all the time by the store clerks for eating that cinnamon deliciousness while getting a free mechanical rub down.
When Sharper Image first emerged, they began as a catalog business that sold jogging watches. Does that mean the watches actually jogged? After approximately 20 years of making Brookstone look like the red-headed step child, The Sharper Image filed for bankruptcy in 2008. And by 20 years, I meant 30. I was just seeing who’s actually paying attention. By the end of that year all of its retail stores had closed their doors, leaving Brookstone the victor. Or so many are left believe. The Sharper Image brand re-emerged as an online store and in third-party stores such as Bed, Bath and Beyond in 2011. While Brookstone still has a physical presence in many shopping malls across the country (world?), they actually filed for bankruptcy themselves in 2014, but were acquired for $173 million and succesfully bailed out by a Chinese investment firm and conglomerate shortly after.
When asked if Brookstone was the more awesomer store of the two, Bryce Harper had this to say. “THAT’S A CLOWN QUESTION BRO!”
Bryce Harper leads all batters in points so far this season with 176 points. IF (notice the big “if”) he can stay healthy, he is on pace for a 695 point season. To put that into perspective, when Miguel Cabrera won the triple crown in 2012, he only had 613 points. In 2009 Albert Pujols put up 746 points and in 2007 Alex Rodriguez scored 698. While I’d still prefer to own Trout over Harper (barely), a 695-point season would dwarf any Mike Trout season to date. I’d own Harper everywhere! Now stop being ejected from games and keep putting up points. You can’t score points from the locker room. Or can you?
In the last week only two players, Harper and Cabrera, have scored more points than Ryan Braun and his 36 points. Another big “if” to stay healthy, Braun is on pace for nearly a 40 home run season and 450 points. Last year that would have been good enough for the top 15 in points among hitters. I’m heading over to Katz’s Deli and buying Braun! At a discount.
Michael Brantley has struck out only 9 times in 151 plate appearances (5.9%) and is proving that last season was no fluke. You know what rhymes with “fluke”? Well a lot of things, but it was “puke” that I was going for. And do you know what makes me want to puke? That would be Chris Davis‘s 57 strikeouts (43%) and Chris Carter‘s 56 strikeouts (42%). Davis is on pace for almost 250 strikeouts and 250 fantasy points. That is the definition of shit on a stick. I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole and Sal Fasano pushing. Brantley, however, is a guy I’d love to get my grubby little hands all over. I’m “all in” on Brantley. Does anyone else think of Wilfred Brimley when they read the name Brantley or it is does me? Maybe it’s the fact that I ate a bowl of Quaker Oats this morning while watching Cocoon.
Here are a few players that have been “sharper” than others in the last seven days. Brandon Belt (33 points), Ian Kinsler (30), Dexter Fowler (29), Jose Bautista (29), Brandon Crawford (28), Jason Kipnis (28) and Josh Harrison (28).
How about a few players who seem to pacing themselves very nicely and are “on pace” to match their expected projections. Is “expected projections” a redundant statement? Does anyone care?
Kyle Seager was projected to score 371 points. He is on pace for 345. He’s a guy I think will pick things up and finish the season right around his projections and I’d be a bit eager if I could get him at 75 cents on the dollar from an owner who thinks he’s been a tad meager on the season.
Next up is a free man. A Freedie Freeman to be more precise. He is on pace for 385 points and was projected at 412. Like Seager, I fully expect him to reach his projections, making him a good player to own from this point on. As usual, pun intended. Perhaps I should start saying “pun not intended” when applicable instead.
Sadly Jose Abreu was projected at 437 and is on pace for 420. From a points perspective, what you see if what you’re gonna get. Same goes for Yoenis Cespedes. His projections were for 352 points and his pace dictates 336. Here are few more players that fall into the category.
Giancarlo Stanton (Projected: 428, Pace: 439)
Evan Longoria (Projected: 365, Pace: 352)
Corey Dickerson (Projected: 347, Pace: 334)
Matt Kemp (Projected: 312, Pace: 309)
Jose Bautista (Projected: 468, Pace: 469)
Dustin Pedroia (Projected: 383, Pace: 385)
Ben Revere (Projected: 316, Pace: 324)
Kole Calhoun (Projected: 329, Pace 345)
Billy Butler (Projected: 339, Pace: 347)
If the mythical regression fairies don’t get these guys, then they are on pace to well outpoint their preseason projections. Once again, is “preseason projections” redundant? Once again, does anyone care?
Anthony Rizzo (Projected: 442, Projected: 632)
Adrian Gonzalez (Projected: 407, Pace: 611)
Mark Teixiera (Projected: 263, Pace: 586)
Nelson Cruz (Projected: 337, Pace: 587)
Eric Hosmer (Projected: 355, Pace: 539)
Dee Gordon (Projected: 272, Pace: 453)
Todd Frazier (Projected: 343, Pace: 523)
Matt Carpenter (Projected: 377, Pace: 549)
Alex Rodriguez (Projected: 197, Pace: 435)
Wil Myers (Projected: 270, Pace: 496)
Lorenzo Cain (Projected: 246, Pace: 468)
Zack Cozart (Projected: 220, Pace: 423)
Russell Martin (Projected: 254, Pace: 447)
This list to be continued next week…
Winning points league championships has a lot to do with owning the players listed above. Being able to draft players that well outperform their draft spot is the key to success. That and being a regular reader of Razzball. And we all know that success in fantasy sports leads to happiness in every day life. To those of you that are reading this from a mobile device while sitting in a $3000 massage chair in Brookstone, enjoy the ride and tell the other shoppers hovering around you waiting for you to get up to try the Sharper Image store on the other end of the mall.
In other news, Will Smith was ejected for having a foreign substance on his arm. When did the Fresh Prince start pitching for the Brewers? Philip Banks would certainly disapprove of cheating. RIP Uncle Phil.
This entire post was written while sitting in a Sharper Image Human Touch massage chair…