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frazier

“Son of a female dog,” exclaimed Tim Lincecum as he reached into his pocket. “What? We’re out of weed,” asked Ron Washington in a rather concerned voice. “No man. We’re never out of weed,” replied Tim as he pulled out another joint. “I forgot to set my damn lineup again,” he continued as he lit the joint, took two hits and passed it to Wash. “Dude, with those two hits, I think you are approaching 3,000 hits,” declared Ron to Tim as he took a Chong-like inhale of the devil’s lettuce. “Me too,” remarked Alex Rodriguez, who had just stopped by Tim’s to pick up some baked goods. “Look what the cat dragged in,” said Lincecum when he saw ARod. “You want a hit,” he asked as he offered him the joint. “Nah man. I’d love to, but these idiot fans in New York are just starting to come back around. It’s amazing what a few home runs and RBIs will do for your fan base. The last thing I need to do is derail that progress,” replied Alex. “I see you forgot to set your lineup again today buddy. What’s with that? It’s like the third time this season. You’re lucky we’re not in a daily league,” he continued. “You guys are in the same league?” questioned Ron. “Yeah man,” said Tim. “That’s some bs. I asked to get in that league and you said you were full,” retorted Wash. “We were, but then Lenny Dykstra dropped out at the last minute. He said he was broke and couldn’t afford it. Magic Johnson offered to back him, but our league rules prohibit a person from paying for two teams. Alex happened to be there at the time, so he jumped in. Sorry,” explained Tim.

“Who else is in this league,” asked Wash who was still processing Tim’s explanation. “Here’s one guy right now,” said Tim as Michael Phelps came through the door. “What, no Subway sandwiches,” asked Tim as he gave Phelps a fist bump and a hug. “Nah man, I crapped all over that endorsement deal. Besides, those sandwiches tasted like sh*t,” commented Phelps. “Not when you got the muchies,” declared Tim. “True dat,” added Ron as he went into one of his crazed dances. “Yo, how is it that you keep forgetting to set your lineup and you are still in first place,” asked Phelps as he made himself at home. “I read Razzball, ” replied Tim who had just received a trade offer from Josh Gordon. “Listen to this,” said Tim. “Flash wants to trade me his Edwin Encarnacion for my Stephen Vogt. He must be high,” declared Lincecum. “Him?!!,” hollered Ron. “Who’s your first baseman?” “Lucas Duda. The duda abides,” replied Big Time Timmy Jim. “This sounds like quite the squad,” remarked Ron. “Who else do you have on this star studded team?”

Tim took a bong rip and rattled off his roster. “My catcher is Stephen Vogt. Buster’s a little upset that I didn’t draft him, but someone had already taken him. Besides, with 173 points Vogt is the second best catcher right now and is only a few points behind Buster. At first base I just told you I’ve got Duda. Dude’s on track for 25 home runs. And while I’d like to get at least 30 ding dongs from my first baseman, I was able to draft Duda in the last few rounds so it’s been a great return on my investment,” said Tim. “Return on your investment?” exclaimed Ron. “Who says that?”.

Tim continued. “At second base I’ve got my man Joe Panik. He’s got 171 points. If I’ve done my math correctly. Carry the one. That’s 77 more points than Robinson Cano who was drafted in the second round.” “Thanks for reminding me,” said Phelps as he sent Cano an “fu” text.

“How about third base,” asked ARod eagerly. “I’ve got you at third base you idiot,” said Tim. “Picked you up with the last pick of the last round,” laughed Tim as he jabbed at Alex. “That’s funny,” said ARod. “At least I got drafted and have not been sitting on the waiver wire all season like your sorry ass,” he added as the jokes were deflected at Tim. “That’s hurtful bro,” said Lincecum as he went on.

“My shortstop is Jhonny Peralta.” “Who the heck is that,” asked Ron who sincerely seemed to have no idea who he was. “Are you serious,” questioned Tim. “He’s only the top scoring shortstop in fantasy baseball points leagues. Ten home runs, 35 RBIs and 161 points will do that for you. Dude can’t spell his first name, but he sure can score points. And at middle infield I’ve got Brandon Crawford of course. With 150 points, he not far behind Peralta.”

“At corner infield I’ve got Todd Frazier,” said Tim. “That guy is killing it,” remarked Phelps. “What made you draft him?” “Honestly, my pick was coming up in the 1st round and I had no idea who I was going to choose. I flipped on the TV and that show with Kelsey Grammer was on,” said Tim. “You mean Frazier,” responded Wash. “Yeah, that one,” said Tim. “It felt like a sign, so I went with it. He’s got 22 homers, 46 ribbies, 8 stolen bases and 230 points. Dude’s for really real. He only trails Paul Goldschmidt (283), Bryce Harper (263) and Miguel Cabrera (238) in points. And those guys all went in the first two rounds.” Ron gave Tim a befuddled look. “In honor of his performance I’ve made him my team captain. Oh and these fine herbs we are smoking is that new strain I’ve been growing. It’s a cross between that stuff we got from Elijah Dukes and the really potent blend that smelled like blueberries that we got from Jon Singleton. And guess what I’ve name this new breed? That’s right! Todd Frazier,” declared Tim as he handed Phelps a handful of buds to examine.

“What about your outfield,” asked Ron. “In the outfield I’ve got Josh Reddick (188 points), A.J. Pollock (174), Nori Aoki (166) and Ryan Braun (161). It’s not the most glamorous list of names in the league, but with a combined 689 points it’s the top outfield in the league. And once Hunter Pence gets over his wrist issues I’ll be able to plug him into the lineup whenever Ryan needs a night off,” said Lincecum.

“And how about your pitching staff,” asked Pete Rose who had just woken up on the recliner. “Where the heck did you come from,” exclaimed Ron who was rather startled by Pete’s sudden appearance. “I’ve been here since last night,” said Pete. “I stopped by to pick up the $500 Tim owes me for that bet we made on the NBA Finals and one thing led to another and I passed out.” “Don’t tell me you’re in the league too,” commented Ron. “Nah. The MLB prohibits me from gambling on anything baseball. I can’t even open a DraftKings account under my own name. It’s killing me that Kiana gets all the credit for my DraftKings success,” mumbled Pete.

“Here’s my pitching staff,” said Tim. “Dallas Keuchel, Chris Archer, Shelby Miller, A.J. Burnett, Michael Pineda, Chris Heston and Dave Righetti. I picked up Heston right after that no-hitter. I figure he’s bound to get another one before the season ends,” he added. “Dave Righetti!!!” exclaimed Ron ready to jump out of his seat. “Yeah man, I just keep him on the bench to give my starters some advice whenever they might need it,” replied Tim. “It seems to be working.”

“You got any advice going forward for my points league,” asked Ron who couldn’t believe he was actually asking Tim for advice, but was secretly considering doing the exact opposite of whatever he was about to hear. “Sure,” said Tim. “First, you’ve got to start reading Razzball. And if you’re in a points league, I suggest malamoney’s weekly post. The dude writes funny, but he makes some good points (pun intended). Here’s what he had to say this week.”

Is Manny Machado about to turn the corner and start becoming the fantasy stud he is destined to be? In the last two weeks he has kept pace with Frazier scoring 64 points by hitting 6 home runs, driving in 11 runs and stealing 2 bases. Only Giancarlo Stanton has scored my points with 71. On the season Manny has 178 points, putting him on pace for 436 points. That’s 117 points more than the 319 points I projected him for. Last year 436 points would have made him the second highest scoring third baseman next to Anthony Rendon (449). Get him if he can be gotten.

Brock Holt should wear a cape, a mask and should have a giant “U” on the front of his jersey for Super Utility Man. He should also be considered for one of the next Avengers movies. In the last 14 days he is batting around .400 with 49 points and has seen playing time at 2B, RF, 1B, LF and 3B. Boston seems committed to getting him in the lineup and it is paying off. If he was guaranteed and everyday job, he’d be a fantasy must own. At this point, he’s a guy I’d like to have on bench to plug in as needed.

Don’t look now, but Lorenzo Cain is starting to heat up again. In the last 5 days he has 27 points. I like Cain. I really do, but if I owned him, I’d look to trade him if he keeps this hot streak up long enough to draw attention. Personally I traded him a few weeks ago in a deal that brought me Jason Kipnis.

Billy Burns is another guy that is getting his fair share of attention these days for a guy that no one drafted. Like Holt, Burns is a player I’d like to have on my bench in points leagues for an “as needed” role.

Keep your eye on Anibal Sanchez. Perhaps he could prove valuable given the right match-ups. He was recently dropped in my league and I barely missed out on claiming him. Since he was dropped he has scored 72 points including a complete game shutout. In his last 4 starts Sanchez has pitched at least 7 innings and has struck out 24 batters.

If you can buy low on Stephen Strasburg, I think it will pay off.

“Dem’s some good tips,” remarked Ron Washington who was in the process of picking up Holt and Sanchez. “No worries,” replied Tim as he drew a fake mustache on Pete Rose who had passed back out after taking a bong hit. “I’ve got to run,” said ARod. “But before I do, any interest in a trade? I could use some help at third base. Right now I’ve got Chris Davis and that strikeout artist is killing me. He’s on pace for 216 strikeouts. In our league that’s like negative 216 points.” “Nice math,” said Tim. “What were you thinking,” he asked. “How about me for you,” suggested Alex. “Huh,” replied Tim. “You trade me Alex Rodriguez and I’ll give you Tim Lincecum. I just picked you up off of waivers cause I have a feeling you’re about to start lighting it up,” said ARod. “Really?” said Tim. “Definitely,” replied Alex. “Alright then. It’s a deal,” decided Tim and he and Alex shook on it and Tim lit up another fat doobie…