Trevor Plouffe is returning from the DL and that’s big news because it’s big news. If you would’ve jumped out of a DeLorean back in March and told me I’d actually be writing a lede for Trevor Plouffe, let alone just a lede because he’s returning from the DL, I would’ve told you there’s no way Plouffe would warrant a lede and this is the information you bring back from the future? You couldn’t find anything more inane? Like how about you tell me what day the barista doesn’t leave enough room in my coffee for milk? As my bumper sticker says, “I love black people, I don’t love black coffee.” Trevor Plouffe has 19 homers and he’s owned in 41% of ESPN leagues. I’m guessing a few thousand of those leagues are one owner with nine alias teams so they can collect virtual trophies, but there’s really no excuse to not own Plouffe. Hey, I’m all about the Breanny Segolt-Jacksitterado’s of the world too, but how about you grab a guy that has actually produced already this year? Rhetorical! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – Nats are saying exactly what everyone knew already, that he will be limited and miss two or three starts. But we have a Razzball exclusive! Overheard in the Nats front office this weekend, “We’ve sold as many tickets for September as I think we’re going to, may as well make the announcement… “Maybe he can just miss road starts?” “Or we can do a giveaway, say, Bryce Harper Bobblehead Day.” “Is that a Bobblehawk?” “Yes! I like that! Trademark that, Rizzo!” “How about the Bobblehawk comes with eye black?” “Great! Maybe with an accompanying reporter dressed as a clown?”
Ross Detwiler – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. How do you give up 4 earned runs in 4 and two-thirds with only 4 baserunners and no homers allowed? Honestly, I didn’t see any of this game, so if someone did and would like to share in the comments, by all means.
Lance Berkman – Has cartilage damage in his left knee because he was overcompensating for his surgically-repaired right knee, i.e., he’s on the DL with “Getting old sucks.” He hopes to return in September. Assuming he doesn’t try to compensate for both of his knees by walking on his hands.
Matt Carpenter – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs. Unfortch, he’s not playing every day. Even with Big Puma prowling on his hands.
Phil Hughes – 4 IP, 7 ER. To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”
Derek Jeter – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. When Jeter hit 4 homers in April, everyone was like, “Ooh, it’s The Great Zombino,” but it turned out to be an Early Bird Special that gave you Enlarged Pro Stats.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, a run, 5 RBIs and his 33rd steal. Not bad for a guy that was probably just a Willy Waiverez for SAGNOF!
Moises Sierra – 3-for-5, but still not playing every day, so he’s more of an AL-Only hitter. Ruben Sierra and Moises Alou must still be proud. BTW, I would’ve thought Ruben would’ve been the mom. Or give the kid a hyphenated last name.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. I bet when January Grey returns from sailing around the world in a barrel, he’ll be writing an overrated post for Encarnacion for 2013.
Chris Capuano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Well, it doesn’t make any sense to make a deal with the devil and say I only want to be good April through June and August through October, but there ya go.
Wade LeBlanc – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s finally stretched out enough to be a legitimate starter to stream. I mean, if the Stream-o-Nator says so. Sorry, S.O.N., didn’t mean to step on your toes.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Seems like old times, Charles Grodin.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Really seems like old times, how on earth was Charles Grodin a comedic actor? Doesn’t that seem completely unbelievable now? Top five actors who were once comedic actors and now it seems implausible: 5. Charles Grodin. 4. Ron Howard 3. Barbra Streisand 2. Jerry Lewis 1. O.J. Simpson
A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 23rd homer. Okay, Carlos Beltran’s season feels like Lance Berkman’s 2011 season. But Beltran’s been here before. He’s done it. He’s no supreme Fantasy God (which is a Fantasy God with sour cream), but he’s been terrific in the past. Like really3 good. Where on this green earth that Al Gore is fighting for every day so he stays relevant is A.J.’s season coming from? This is like Brady Anderson’s sideburnavelous season. I mean, seriously dubya tee eff?
Jonny Gomes – 1-for-4 with his third straight game with a homer. G: Gomes O: is One M: Magically E: Excellent S: hot Schmotato.
Bartolo Colon – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. Picture this. Your Ford Escort is your fantasy team. You decide you want to take a hike. Bear with me, we both know you don’t exercise. Okay, so you park your Escort at the national park right in front of a sign of Bartolo Colon, get out of the car, but leave your windows open. Your ratios are the picnic basket in the backseat.
Grant Balfour – Saturday’s roundup covered the Brewers and Padres closer shituations, so been there, you read that. In short, I’d grab Henderson and Thayer or Gregerson, in that order. In Oakland, Cookie’s melted under the August sun and the A’s said, “Yo, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t close games anymore.” Balfour is the pick up and I’d grab him everywhere, except in elevators, that would be weird.
Brandon Belt – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Every time I think I’m out, you pull me back in!
Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. A commenter mentioned that the White Sox said they don’t plan on shutting Sale down. As I told the commenter, this is crackers. Do you risk losing a guy for all of next year so you can get an extra 30 innings from him this year? And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Jean Segura – 2-for-4 and 4 for his last 8. Looks like he’s starting to hit. Too bad I dropped him already for Machado. Oh, wait, that’s not bad. That’s wonderful.
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-5 with 2 steals. Get this, guys and four girl readers, Aoki has gone hitless in four games since June 23rd! Norichika chika boom boom!
Neil Walker – 5-for-5 with his 14th homer. Rudy and I agree a lot on fantasy baseball. One thing we don’t agree on is players like Neil Walker. He’s the stereotypical Rudy player. Solid counting stats guy that has no upside. I like my MI (stutterer if you don’t say em-eye) with upside. I probably could’ve used a Walker instead of a Cozart this year, but I’ll be right there chasing upside again next year for MI.
Chris Denorfia – 1-for-4 with a homer. I dated a Chris Denorfia in high school. I don’t think it’s the same person.
Brooks Raley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Every time I see his name in the box score listed as B. Raley, I think it’s Boo Radley. And that’s neither funny nor interesting! As for fantasy, there’s nothing to see here.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. At least that’s what the box score said. I Googled “Jay Bruce homer video 8/12″ and Google said, Do you mean Jay Bruce the hitter who doesn’t homer for months at a time and you’re wondering how he has 22 homers?
Jon Rauch – Bobby Parnell pretty much blew whatever chance he had for saves. Frank Francisco tried to give away yesterday’s game and has looked shaky at best lately. Yesterday, Jon Rauch got the save. Only time anyone says “top shelf” and Rauch in the same sentence is when they need him to get something down, but if you’re really hurting for saves, I’d grab Rauch.
Jesus Montero – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. Now has 12 homers on the year. Because of the nature of the catching position, if he gets up to 17 homers on the year, he’ll probably still be a top ten catcher for the year. Even if he’s no A.J. Pierzynski, who’s obviously the cream of the crap this year.
Jason Vargas – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. ERA’s now at 3.56. Fun fact! His family name was shortened from Varoomgas.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4 with his 2nd steal in 3 games. He’s finally stealing bases… Mazel tov! I’d grab him in case he decides he want to get to 20 steals before the season is out.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and the slam (32) and legs (7), and has 99 RBIs on the year, which is roughly 77 HRs/180 RBIs in street value.
Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 5 for his last 10. Not sure where the steals are, but he could steal 4 in a game and 10 in a week. SAGNOF! What’s SAGNOF in Spanish? That too! BTW, there are SAGNOF shirts. They’re 99% cotton and 1% fun!
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. You don’t have to believe in reincarnation for this but “Macho Man” Randy Savage, who once played minor league ball for the Reds, Cards and White Sox, never got to live his real dream, to be a major leaguer, so he’s returned as the Orioles young prospect, who will now be known as Macho Manny Machado. Okay, I guess you do have to believe in reincarnation for that to work.