The Cardinals said Edward Mujica ‘could be tried as closer.’ That’s obviously after everyone else has been tried and found guilty of sucking. Matheny said, “I’d rather kill a possum in front of La Russa, than have a lead in the 9th inning with the crap we have.” Okay, that was me reading between the lines. He actually said, “See what happens next time we get there. Right now, Mujica’s making good pitches and getting the big outs when we need them.” He never referred to Mujica as the closer. Maybe because he was afraid of spooking him. How do you scare the beejesus out of a Cardinals reliever? Call them closer. *rim shot, triangle, kazoo* I don’t think Mujica is the de facto closer, but I don’t know what de facto means. Is that Spanish? Hernando De Facto was the first to cross the Mississippi, right? Yesterday, Boggs came into the 9th inning, but it was a 4-run lead and when he got into trouble the Cards started warming up Mujica. The writing is on the wall, and it says, “Mujica is next.” I’d grab Mujica and continue to hold Boggs (on my bench). It may just turn out that Edward is The Last of the Mujica’s in the Cards’ pen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Giancarlo Stanton – Out again and hasn’t played since Wednesday. If anyone has any messages for him, let me know and I’ll slide out from under his bed and deliver them.
Juan Pierre – 1-for-4, 1 RBI with a hit that would’ve been a home run in tee ball (it just cleared Zimmerman’s mitt). BTW, with the release of 42 (I saw it, not good), I just wanted to say I can’t wait for the HBO movie about Juan Pierre.
Wade LeBlanc – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. ‘Joey’ is now the 2nd worst thing produced by a LeBlanc this millennium.
Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 runs with two doubles. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run. About ten months too late, Zimmerman! What, I don’t carry a grudge.
Brian McCann – Nearing rehab assignment. About time, you drunkard! Oh, wait… McCann hopes to return around May 1st. He better hurry before Gattis puts the finishing touches on Pipp’ing him.
Jon Jay – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. The Federalist really banged his gavel in this one.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Pitching like that in St. Louis, and he’s gonna find himself back in middle relief.
John Lackey – On Tuesday, he’s going to resume throwing. I’d hope so. What else can he put on his resume? Spitting and grabbing his crotch? Whatever he does, I hope he doesn’t join LinkedIn, cause then I’m gonna get a request from him. Leave me alone, LinkedIn!
David Ortiz – Was scratched from a rehab game when he had mild heel pain. Must be amusing to watch his doctor tell him he needs to give his heel time to heal. “It’ll heal.” “Yes, my heel!”
Andrew Bailey – Got his first opportunity for a Save while Hanrahanahananan mends his hammy, but ol’ Potter and the Rays led a run on the scoreboard. Luckily, the teamsfolk rallied together and helped Mr. Bailey get a Win.
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Now has 25 Ks in just 17 IP. Go Demstah!
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-2 with a home run. That gives him two HRs. Now he just needs 17 vowels.
Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 2ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. What the Hellickson got into him? What’s with all the K’s in that Boston game? Did they paint the Green Monster white or did they paint the baseball green?
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 with his first home run. Only 35 more and we’re good.
Johnny Cueto – Dusty said, “I think he’ll miss just 3-4 starts. He’ll make it up to me by pitching 6-8 long relief outings sprinkled throughout the year. Gotta keep his arm fresh for the playoffs.”
Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Amazing how confused Arroyo can make hitters look throwing 67 MPH. It’s like they’re listening to him play guitar.
Todd Frazier – 0-for-3, 1 RBI but was robbed of a double by Ben Revere in center field. If you missed it, here it is. Best Philadelphia robbery story since Ben Franklin jacked that little kid’s kite. “History is written by the victors, now amscray, kid!” That was Ben.
Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as he surrendered his first walk in 44 2/3 IP. A’la Shaggy, “But the ump had to have the wrong count… It wasn’t Cliff Lee… Saw him kissin’ the edge of the strike zone so far… It wasn’t Cliff Lee… Had to hit the showers early… It wasn’t Cliff Lee… I even caught him on camera… It wasn’t Cliff Lee!”
Starling Marte – 3-for-5 with a run and RBI. All he does is hit! (And run, and steal, and have some light power, and do some other things that aren’t worth mentioning.)
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 1 run and 4 RBIs, now hitting .385. Everyone was right when they said Jed “Californy is the place you ought to be.”
Nate Freiman – The six foot, seven inches A’s DH hit his first major league home run. While rounding the bases, he stepped over Altuve.
Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Billingsley was also pitchedslapped by Stults. Scott Farkus was ecstatic.
Dayan Viciedo – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and now has three hits in his last four at-bats. Like I tell girlfriends, it’s not always about the sample size. Last year, when Viciedo had a three hit game, he’d follow it up with a torrid week to two week stretch.
Aaron Hicks – 10 Games, 2 hits, 2 Ks….a game. Those 20Ks tie a MLB record for a player’s first 10 games. It’s like Twin fans are finally getting to see how Kirby Puckett would perform if he stuck around another year.
Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. He better be from South Correia or I’m dropping him in my AL-Only league.
Joe Mauer – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run as he hits .346. Sell! I’m kidding. Well, not really.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4 in a rehab game. He better make amends for the two outs he made.
Jose Bautista – Sat out yesterday with back spasms. I suggest a 55-minute head-to-toe from the massage parlor, Me Rub You Long Time.
Adam Lind – 2-for-3, but he just missed a home run by about 3 feet. This might be nothing except him facing a weak righty (Floyd), or it could be the start of something. If you’re desperate for power in a deeper league, grab Lind now before he gets hot.
Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. Buehrle is the Eskimo word for yawn.
Ryan Madson – Threw a 40-pitch bullpen session. I once had a 40-minute bullsh*t session with a wrong number.