A lot of talk has been made about the Fantasy Baseball Overlord causing all of these injuries this year. What people haven’t mentioned as much is the why. FBO was born in a small Jamaican village outside of Kingston. His family was wealthy from manufacturing fertilizer, though this came with a severe downside — the smell of manure. Knowing how cruel kids can be, it’s no surprise they would pick on FBO. The school jocks, specifically the baseball players were the worst. Constantly mocking his ever-present stench, they nicknamed him Fecal Body Odor, or FBO for short. It got so bad that teachers and adults started calling him FBO. Eventually, people called him FBO without even knowing what it stood for. Rather than trying to shake the nickname, FBO decided to have it empower him. First, he tried to get into banking, thinking he could convince people it stood for Fixed Buyout. Then he got an internship with the Field Botanists of Ontario. Neither worked for him, but he did have some knowledge of voodoo from his Jamaican aunt and always harbored hate for baseball players, so Fantasy Baseball Overlord – or FBO, for short, was born. With that said, Adam Wainwright went for an MRI on his elbow and the FBO said, “Eat it, Wainwright!” The Cards are saying his UCL is fine and it’s just tennis elbow. Hopefully this isn’t game, set, match for him. He received a cortisone shot, and there’s no word yet on a DL stint. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Grant Balfour – 2 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners and the save. Of course, he did. The ‘he’ there could be Maddon or Balfour. Take your pick. As I speculated yesterday, Blahfour could, and did get the next save, and could be in line for the rest of the season’s saves or get replaced. Blafour would be the guy to own, but it’s hard to say. I mean ‘hard to say’ in both interpretations of the phrase.
Andres Torres – Red Sox signed him to a minor league contract. He’ll backup the three outfield positions and hoist Pedroia to the faucet when he’s brushing his teeth.
Rubby De La Rosa – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. I warned people against owning him, but I get the sense some people might’ve just picked him up so they could drop him and say, “I rubbed one out.”
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Red Sox, which is either a more or less impressive thing depending on what coast you’re on. I’m guessing more impressive if you’re on the West Coast, because right now everyone hates the Red Sox on the East Coast, even Red Sox fans. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love Chen’s next start in Tampa, but I could see streaming it. And that’s me weighing in on Wei-Yin!
Masahiro Tanaka – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Mariners. The line doesn’t say the whole story. He struggled to keep his composure a little bit in this game, like when one fan called him Ichiro.
Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 and 2 steals. They must’ve moved 2nd base closer to 1999.
Justin Smoak – Landed on the DL with a quad injury. He says he should be able to return when first eligible. Too bad for the Mariners.
Gerrit Cole – Played catch from 90 feet. When he returns at the end of the month, he will be pitching from 2nd base.
Wilson Ramos – Hit the DL. He expects to be ready as soon as the 15 days are up. And, really, he’s gotta be if he wants to keep on pace for five DL stints in one year.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as I streamed him in one league (actually an extended stream because I had him for his previous game against the Padres when he went 8 IP, 0 ER with 11 Ks). Mr. Roark’s making my dreams come true! He also gets the Astros next time out at home, and here’s hoping no one will tattoo Roark. I’m a Fantasy Island pun machine!
Trevor Bauer – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA up to 4.24. Unfortch for his owners, he’s proving an always valuable lesson. Sexy young pitchers are good in theory, but most times a veteran in a good matchup is better.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-3. He’s hitting .393 on the year. Zoinks! Should we start defrosting Ted Williams frozen head? Yes, we should. Worst case scenario, we can always serve it to the Zombino, V-Mart.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting .178. Conspiracy Alert! Are the scorekeepers crediting every third hit by Santana to Chisenhall? I think they might.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 17th steal. He’s cooled off a bit since a hot April (.236 in May), but he’s hitting over .400 in June and you paid nothing for him in your drafts and he had 10 steals in the ‘bad’ month of May, so please stop your whining.
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. No idea where the Ks are but I’ve watched him in his last two starts and he looks like hot butter inside a microwave on the back of a camel in the Sahara, so I’m guessing the Ks will come around. No fear, FOR (Friend of Razzball; acronyms suck when I gotta explain them).
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 1 run a day after homering. Maybe his name is Mostsuckass because he’s constantly sucking us in.
Jered Weaver – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks ERA up to 3.51. I’d like nothing more than to see Jered Weaver fail. Why is that? I’m gonna have to ask my shrink. My shrink’s name is Captain Morgan and coke.
Collin Cowgill – 2-for-3. This comes a day after he homered, which is fresh to def and all, but The Sciosciapath is platooning him with Calhoun, which is killing both of their values.
Tommy Milone – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.47. Look at the Homeschooler, going all Road Scholar. Is it sad I needed spell check for the word scholar? I still would lean towards starting Milone strictly in O.co, okay (almost stutterer!)?
Yu Darvish – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.11. Raycess! Oh, wait, that’s 311.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Damn, wish I didn’t trade him away for Tulo. I am totally kidding! Nah, gloating isn’t cool. It’s awesome!
Chris Carter – 2-for-4 and two homers (11, 12). Ugh, I picked him up after games locked yesterday for Thursday’s short schedule, thinking he would get rowdy-bowdy against Miley today. What’s the chances he hits three homers today after hitting two yesterday? Okay, say it again, but lie to me.
George Springer – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he returned from his sore knee. Glad he came back, now Barbara Bush can shut up about giving Junior’s knee to Springer. She’s such a big fan!
Alex Presley – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal. Geez, soon we’re gonna be doing whole Astros roundups. Rut-roh! Presley is one of those guys that I’m watching like a cyclops with a monocle, because he’s been bad and is on waivers everywhere, but he can be much better.
Dallas Keuchel – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.38. I shouldn’t have dropped you, I get it! It’s not nice to keep rubbing it in my face.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.29. See, that whole xFIP is low and a guy’s ERA is supposed to come down is all well and good, but unless you’re in a league against the Fangraphs Database and it’s giving you a bye on a bad BABIP, it doesn’t matter.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. It’s taking a whole lot of tryin’ to get up this Hill.
Cliff Lee – Played catch yesterday. Ruben Studdard stood off to the side and sang Cat’s in the Cradle. It was a really touching scene.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Padres. I just thought of how perfect the symmetry is that San Diego is named after Friars and they never score.
Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in Philly. Nice away start for a high-end Hodgepadre (prior to game home/away ERA: 2.33/4.41). The crazy thing (maybe not that crazy) is his peripherals completely change on the road. I can understand BABIP, some parks are more forgiving, or more homers in away games, but his Ks drop dramatically and his walks skyrocket. Just so weird (maybe not that weird) how different he becomes.
Hanley Ramirez – Scratched with irritation in his AC joint. In the heat of the summer you gotta make sure your AC is working.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA to 3.33. Before he pitched in the league, he was often compared to David Wells, and that still seems apt. Only Ryu’s uniform doesn’t look borrowed from a very large homeless person.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 1.85. Whenever a tiny guy has an ERA below his weight, Pedro Martinez gets his wings. Not like an angel, I mean hot wings. On our Player Rater, you can see how many starters are in front of Cueto — yup. And as you see there, he’s getting a lot less bang on his Win bucks or he’d be way out in front — yup, yup and wow.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Usually this game of Bruce’s is then followed by seventeen games of homers and ribbies and ecstasy, but so far this year Bruce has been as difficult to watch as E Street Band’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction. Since when did Springsteen start playing with Phish? They’re a jam band now?
Wily Peralta – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.90. Somewhere, our fantasy basketball and pitching profile man, JB, loved a little bit deeper, spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness for ragging on his Peralta love. Not that much forgiveness because his K-rate is still a bit yawnstipating and I’d expect some regression on his ERA. The Stream-o-Nator is claiming it’s going to come in his next game.
Jonathan Lucroy - 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .341 on the year, hitting near-.450 in the least week, and his average means more than most catchers because he plays nearly every day. Only has four homers on the year though. He’s like opposite world’s Evan Gattis. To you and me, that’s anyone who has never stapled together their pants.
Jacob deGrom - 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.44. Next stop, 4.00. All aboard to Shitsville!
Justin Verlander – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Don’t worry, deGrom, Verlander is saving you a spot.
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates, ERA up to 2.81. As said previously, just when you think it’s safe to start Hammel, he does this. When you bench him, he throws a gem. He’s basically the starter equivalent to George Costanza when he decides to do everything opposite.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Twins. He’s looked solid as a starter so far — three straight Quality Starts. Do I think you can prolly get what he’s giving from a streamer in most mixed leagues? Am I the most handsomest mustachioed man since Selleck and Mattingly both shaved?
Josh Willingham – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. That’s his fifth homer in only 23 games. He’s gone full WillingH.A.M.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the suddenly dead-in-the-water Blue Jays. Here’s a particularly interesting theory about the Blue Jays sudden lack of hitting by frequent commenter, OaktownSteve, “I think the only logical explanation is that every Toronto Blue Jay has an identical twin who is just not quite as good at baseball and they have it worked out where sometimes twin #1 team shows up and rakes and sometimes twin #2 team shows up and can’t hit the barnside of a broad. It also explains why they are having particular trouble with the Minnesota Twins. It reminds them of the moral and ethical questions about their plan that leaves them in a vulnerable, conflicted state.”
Joe Mauer – 3-for-4, 1 run, raising his average to .263. I’ve been a vocal critic of Rotoworld’s in the past on their Mauer ranking in the top 10 this year, but I must say his 15 RBIs on the year is way better than Chisenhall had in one game. He’s even better than Reed Johnson on the year! Though he is one RBI off Derek Dietrich, so there’s some room here to improve!
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Another five games like that and he might get to Mauer’s lofty RBI totals!
Brian Dozier – Exited yesterday’s game after colliding with Eduardo Nunez. Nunez said after the game, “If he dies, he dies.” Granted, Nunez had just watched Rocky IV on TNT. Dozier hopes to return on Friday, you can now exhale, Angela Bassett.
Carlos Gonzalez- Reported here first after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo will miss five weeks after having a “fatty mass with tentacles” removed from his finger. What an Octopussy!
Josh Rutledge – 2-for-3, 3 runs, hitting .364. Hot schmotato alert! I grabbed him for his start today and if he hits, I may just lose Emily Boneface. Stay tuned. Or not. Your choice.
Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. There’s rose-colored glasses that make everything better, but, specifically for fantasy, it’s beer goggles, because everyone looks better in Coors.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. Won’t you at least own him while he’s home?
Charlie Blackmon – 0-for-5, now hitting .291, after he was hitting around .380 when I told you to sell him after his hot April. Not to make this all racially-charged, but it’s going to get to the point where you don’t want Blackmon on your team.
Tyler Matzek – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. I said yesterday, “My Hope It’s Not The Mexican Talking Gut Call Of The Day goes to Matzek striking out ten Braves.” I didn’t say that blindly. I knew Matzek was a strikeout guy that has trouble with his control and the Braves are a team that would be prone to getting beat by a guy like that. That’s all well and good, but I can’t get excited about a young Rockies pitcher.
Julio Teheran – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER. This was retaliation by the Regression Fairies for their friends being stoned in Teheran.