Comatose Pirates Fan, I have a surprise for you. You may want to sit down. No, no. It’s a good surprise. The salad days of Willie Stargell are back! (Though even Pops would’ve agreed salad wasn’t on his menu.) I’m excited for the Pirates, they’ve been the Andy Dufresne of major league baseball for far too long. They’ve been serving a sentence in the NL Central basement for a crime they did not commit. To catch the Reds, they got their Red because if anyone knows about doing time in a terrible shituation it’s Wandy Rodriguez. See, Wandy, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. This helps Wandy’s value since he’s been a number four starter that should be owned everywhere but was tough to own because you knew you were punting Wins with him. Now, he’s a number four fantasy starter with an actual chance for a dubya. Oh, and I’m super excited to see the new-look American League Astros in 2013. Or as Bogs would call them, the Asstros. Hope they know they’re gonna have to come up with a DH, too. Give the Rangers an extra 15 wins for next year and one game called due to the arcane 30-run rule. Ed Wade’s Toupee was sipping a colada on the beaches of Trinidad when it was reached for comment. Ed Wade’s Toupee said, “If I were still GM’ing the Astros, I would’ve never done that trade. They didn’t get enough. I built that team so Wandy was their 2nd best hitter.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Rodriguez – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand. It looked like he might’ve broke something and, sure enough, he’s going to the DL with a non-displaced fracture in his left hand. Look at that, I’m not even a doctor! Though, my handwriting is illegible. He hasn’t had an injury this bad since one of his ex-girlfriends Kegeled him during foreplay or that time when he tried to squeeze one of his girlfriend’s pecbreasts.
Mariano Rivera – Cashman said no Mo in 2012 and Hideo sat by the phone for three hours straight waiting for it to ring.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 with a slam (27) and legs (7), raising his average to .249. In the preseason, I thought he was overrated in the 2nd round, but what’s Stanton done for us lately? God, I hope he never reads that. I’m sorry, Giancarlo.
James McDonald – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now three straight poor starts. Maybe it’s not him, but an impostor. You know, McDowell’s with the Golden Arcs and their famous burger, the Big Mick. Whatever the case is, if The Inverted W doesn’t right the ship next time against the Astros, there’s serious problems.
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Please, Dickey, don’t make me wish I Lorena Bobbit’d you.
Jordany Valdespin – So the Mets did option down Duda, but instead of playing Valdespin, they went to Scott Hairston and Andres Torres. Just start Lord Valdespin already! Jesus Christmas Montero, this is ridiculous! Valdespin homered again last night. For the seventh time. But again as a pinch hitter. You’re gonna mess up Met fans who already have a Tastes Great/Less Filling chant they do for Mets pinch hitters, “Rusty Staub… Lee Mazzilli!”
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. My Gio rides again! I’d like to thank my Armenian mechanic, who I can’t understand, and charges me at least 30% more than his original estimate and, when I question him, he yells at the top of his lungs, “I should die in a car accident if he doesn’t fix!” But even when he says hello, it seems like he’s pissed off at me, so I don’t blame him.
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners 2 Ks. Beginning to think everyone’s a good stream vs. the Marlins. Clunky segue, we’re still in Beta on this, but I’d like you to see if you find any kinks –> Our Streaming Pitcher Tool.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer. Member when Jazzy Phizzle went through that month and a half where he went oh-for-a-month-and-half? It was painful like that pimple you had for the better part of 7th grade. Well, he now has homers in three straight games. He’ll probably hit another five in the next week then revert back to painful, so own him for the near future.
Travis Blackley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Blue Jays IN (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) Toronto. I previously said, “Hey, Travis Blackley, you pitchin’ for me? You pitchin’ for me? No, no he’s not. Not outside of home games where the matchups are favorable.” And that’s me quoting me! But I’m starting to think the A’s are like the Cards with whatever pitchers they throw out there will pitch well. I’m not ready to test that theory on one of my fantasy teams yet. Sorry, Blackley, Joe Kelly, Westbrook, Colon and whoever else they’re throwing.
Ryan Roberts – D-Backs designated him for assignment. That assignment was to draw trade interest from another team. And it worked! The Rays picked him up. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d ignore Roberts, unless you have a category in your league for tattoos.
Krispie Young – 2-for-2 with a slam and legs. As said the other day, I think Krispie is back, and even if he’s not, he should be owned to make sure.
Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4 with his 13th and 14th homers on the year. Cuddyer probably could’ve/should’ve/Elliott Gould’ve hit more homers by now, but there’s still time. He is looking Triple Crown-worthy compared to Uggla, though.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4 with a slam (3) and legs (1). Cain…Sugar! Love that he started, loved that he gobbled up a slam and legs, loved that he hit in the three hole, but how do you bat a guy third and bench him in other games? The Peasant Royals are infuriating. Hopefully, they won’t bench him ever again, or until he’s about to get his 3,000th hit and they want to delay it until the next homestand.
Paul Maholm – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. I know everything you ever believed in revolves around “Ignore Maholm in Fantasy,” but he’s stringing together a lot of quality starts and he’s done this for a month or two at a time in the past.
Clayton Kershaw – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER. It’s the Curse of ESPN’s The Mag Baseball Preview!
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Fear the Stream-o-Nator! If you have no idea what I’m talking about, see about 12 inches above in Tim Hudson’s blurb. That’s 12 inches by a guy’s measurements.
Adam Wainwright – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. I told you not to draft him, but I’ve been telling you to trade for him for the last 6 weeks.
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. The day before he went 2-for-6. If someone dropped him because he was hitting barely Dee Gordon’s weight in the last month, it’s worth giving him a shot.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with two homers. Guess how many homers he has? Go ahead, I’ll wait. *taps finger, scratches chin, cracks neck, puts a tiny cast on an injured pigeon’s leg* He has 25 homers! And it’s July. Wowingham.
Paul Konerko – 4-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Welcome back, Paulie, will will never speak of that cold stretch when you looked terrible and tried to make a reality show about you deejaying in Vegas with a group of unlikeable high school friends.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-5 with a homer. Now has two in as many games. There the hot schmotato goes, where it stops nobody knows.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. If you would’ve told me you’re from the future and Buchholz would go against the Rangers and only get one K, I would’ve asked you why are you time traveling with such trivial information? Do cars fly yet or what? I also would’ve said Buchholz must’ve gave up 7 earned in one inning and got an early hook. Buchholz continues to look pretttttay, prettttttay good.
Alexi Ogando – He wants to be in the rotation; the Rangers might need him in the rotation and the last time he was in the rotation he pitched three innings and was injured for a month with a groin strain. He would need to be stretched out first before he can start any games. Maybe the Rangers can employ a medieval rack.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. See my comments for Buchholz, but remove the nice things said at the end.
Adrian Beltre – Left yesterday’s game after taking one off the ol’ melon by Padilla. Padilla hit him because his name sounds like a girl. “Adrian, why don’t you stay at home while your man fights in the ring? You can’t take one hit to the head!” Beltre’s initial concussion reports sounded positive, but he might miss a few days. If he needs to go on the DL, two words: Mike Olt.
Pablo Sandoval – Strained his hamstring stretching off the bag. First, he hurts his hamate bone, now the hamstring. I wouldn’t want to be ex-Giant Atlee Hammaker right now.
Francisco Cordero – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. A real shock that he looked bad. Completely serious when I say this, it’s almost like some teams don’t even know what goes on in the other league like some fantasy baseballers who play in NL-Only or AL-Only leagues. I’d continue to hold Wilton Lopez.
Evan Longoria – Rays are saying he’s nearing a rehab assignment, so that probably means he’ll be back around mid-August, barring any setbacks. To think there won’t be any setbacks, it might be considered Evan’s name backwards. Oh, wait, that’s Evian.
Jason Kendall – Announced his retirement yesterday. In honor of his retirement, we go into the Razzball archives for his epitaph: Much like a Ken doll, Kendall had no bat.