Yesterday, the Pirates called up the Frozen Tundra, Andrew Lambo. The Pirates should trade Lambo to Milwaukee (Green Bay) for Yovani Gallardo (arrr!). Or give Andrew a whistle and call him Coach Lambo-ardi. If you’re confused by any of this, you’re not alone. Rudy came up with the title and then spent twenty minutes on IM explaining it’s football stuff and most people would get it. Only a real man rocks a mustache and knows what a ronde jambe is but not a Lambeau leap. (If football is your bag, there’s our fantasy football section of hazarai.) Lambo’s worth discussing because he has big time power — 31 homers in the minors this year. Lambo mercy, you’re so power thirsty. He used to be a top prospect in the Dodgers’ farm system, but was suspended in 2010 due to taking hits from the bong, then never really got started in 2011. His playing time with the Pirates is debatable at this point — he’ll play; no, he won’t, yes, he will, less filling! At worst, the Pirates should play him against all righties. He’s 25 years old, so his upside is limited, but he could be like a Ryan Ludwick-type. I’d definitely take the flyer in just about any league where you need power, and especially in deep-ish keeper leagues. Wouldn’t surprise me at all to see him pull a Han Solo and cement himself into the lineup. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Neftali Feliz – Shut down with triceps discomfort. This is the first sighting in Texas of a Tricepsasaurus since a flood wiped them away two thousand years ago.
Yu Darvish – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 15 Ks. He should’ve probably been the lede, but, as someone whose English isn’t very good might say, how many times can I spew my man love all over Yu? Forget George Clooney, Darvish is the sexiest man alive. There’s a ten page spread about Yu in my magazine that is titled, “No One Really Buys Magazines Anymore But This One You Want To Own Because It’s Fifteen Pages Long With Ten Pages Dedicated to Darvish And Five Pages Dedicated To The Magazine’s Title.” Darvish will probably be drafted in the top 20 next year, maybe top 15, and I can’t say I disagree, even if I won’t be one drafting him there. Bee tee dubya, he has 207 Ks and it’s August 13th!
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. It’s time for no one’s favorite game except me, What Has Beltre Done Since Grey Traded For Him vs. Choo? For me, Beltre has: 52/19/56/.350 vs. Choo’s 52/10/22/.255/10. Like Harrison Ford’s quarter Jewish ancestry — not too shabby!
Jason Castro – Out for the 2nd straight game with a sore hip. I blame myself for polluting his womb. He was fine, until I dropped Salvador Perez for Castro. Next thing you know, Castro’s gonna need two weeks to go help his niece with her back-to-school clothes shopping. (On a side note, I Googled “jason castro hip” — I don’t mess with caps in Google! — and it turns out there was an American Idol contestant, Jason Castro, who is doing hip-hop. In about forty years, for every name you Google, there will be an American Idol contestant.)
Brett Oberholtzer – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Astros are going with a six-man rotation, which surprises me, I didn’t know they had six starters. Brett gets the Angels in Nowhere Near Los Angeles Anaheim next time out. Can Oberholtzer continue his success? Girls said yes, but Grey says no…Remote control!
Coco Crisp – Day-to-day with a sore wrist. Hopefully, he’s entertaining everyone on the bench with his inspired line readings, because we love Crisp, in glove or not.
Dan Straily – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. This was the first time he got out of the fifth inning in his last three starts, which is to say he hasn’t been good. He gets the Indians at home next, which isn’t an awful start, but I’d be careful, Straily can go either way at this point.
Krispie Young – 1-for-4 and a solo homer with Krispie replacing Crisp, as the Colonel intended it.
Colby Rasmus – Missed yesterday’s game due to a tweaked abdominal. Too much working out and now he has a sick pack.
Roy Halladay – Will start his rehab assignment on Thursday and could return when rosters expand in September. Whatevs. I’m not bothering to stash him anywhere. In most leagues, what you could get from him is replaceable with streamers. Stream-o-Nator, “Damn skippy!”
Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, throwing 123 pitches and only gave up the one run in the ninth because the Phillies are obviously petrified of Papelbon. Charlie Manuel said, “You can’t decorate your floor with sawdust and not get some wood shavings in your socks.”
Cody Asche – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Been really impressed with what I’ve seen so far from this guy, and will put him on the short list of late round corner men I’ll be looking at. For now, I’d definitely consider him in deep mixed leagues.
Matt Kemp – Shagged balls in the outfield. Oh, behave!
Hanley Ramirez – Could be out until Friday with his jammed shoulder. Hanley said, “I’m trying my best to get on the field,” but it was noted he had his fingers crossed.
Jhoulys Chacin – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.18. Takes watermelons to start a guy in Coors, but if you did, you were rewarded and not Gallagher’d.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (14). In other words, the DJ mixed together Onyx and ZZ Top.
Nolan Arenado – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. As Lord & Taylor is my witness, please let Arenado get hotter than Freddy Krueger’s furnace.
Michael Cuddyer – Missed his 2nd straight game with an illness. Don’t worry, Cuddyer will be Cudbetter soon.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. Meant to mention this the other day, but while I’m thinking of it. I saw Fowler get picked off easily the other day. He has 17 steals on the year, but he has 35 steal speed, so something’s off. I think I’ve figured out, his head’s not in the game.
Aaron Hill – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer and 3rd homer in as many games. Oh, boy, he’s about to hit 12 homers the rest of the way and end the season with 20, isn’t he? I’ll be a handsome man! (That’s the phrase, right? Yeah, it is.)
Trevor Cahill – Will return this weekend. Super, great, phony excitement, I’m not going near him.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting close to .400 in the last week. Worth a look in all leagues to see if he can make good on some of that upside he hinted at in the preseason.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer as he bats .236. We’ll see your fantasy value again in six games!
Jenrry Mejia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Actually, pitched even better than his line indicates, but I’m concerned about his forearm that will need surgery in the offseason. With that said (yup, the reversal), he goes to Petco next.
Omar Infante – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the DL. Speaking of infants, I bought a friend a pacifier. Well, I bought the friend’s baby one. Anyway, the pacifier has a mustache, which is, obviously awesome. Got me thinking, there should be a cigarette pacifier, then I Googled it and there was. Then I Googled, “bong pacifier” — yup, there too. There’s mob pacifiers, ‘boob’ pacifiers, hillbilly teeth pacifiers… Basically, anything you could want. Are pacifiers the new yuppie baby accessory? Do parents get together and compare wacky pacifiers? I got questions, y’all!
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 and his 37th homer. Now has five homers in the last six games. Yawn. Win another Triple Crown or don’t speak to me!
Paul Maholm – Threw a simulated game and is about two weeks away. The single parent home of Pa-Ma didn’t do much when he was pitching for the Braves earlier this year and I wouldn’t expect much when he returned.
Danny Salazar – 4 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Was pulled early because it was a stressful four innings. At least it was stressful for me. You make the Blue Jays and Tigers look foolish then do this against the Twins?! Ugh. I’m holding him for his next start in O.co, but am less excited about it.
Andrew Albers – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, which comes after his major league debut of 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER. Yeah, he’s in a groove and gets the White Sox next at home, which isn’t a terrible start. A word of caution (okay, a few words). He doesn’t strikeout a whole lot of guys and he got lucky in this start. I saw a few good plays on defense and I only watched five innings. This could’ve easily been a 6 IP, 3 ER game. He’s worth a flyer in some leagues, but I wouldn’t expect the 2nd coming of Max Scherzer. Or simply re-Max.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer, and third this week. The Rise of the Schmohawks hasn’t ended yet for this guy. Don’t think it lasts long, but he’s still a hot schmotato.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! There’s about a 30% chance he hits a homer again today. Not joking, he usually hits a few when he hits one.
Jason Vargas – Will be activated to start today. He’s around a 3.75 ERA, 1.30 WHIP guy without great Ks, so he’s pretty marginal in most mixed leagues, or I Can’t Believe He’s Not Better.
Tommy Hanson – Sent to Triple-A to make room for Vargas. Tommy might consider going back to playing a mean pinball.
Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.33. The Ks aren’t really a part of his game, but to go with his ERA he has a 1.02 WHIP in 154 2/3 IP. As the rest of the poseur fantasy two’s fall by the wayside, Kuroda’s a thing of ratio beauty.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, as he hits .237. He only has 59 ABs, but those stats look like a microcosm of a full season from him. Like his whole year is inside a snow globe.
Derek Jeter – Yanks announced that he’s not close to activation. Girardi said, “I think at some point this week you’ll start seeing him do my favorite, tee and toss.” Weird, Jeter’s favorite thing to say to women is, “You get no key,” and toss them.
Mat Latos – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.04. Unfortunately, this start meant his wife didn’t need to defend him on Twitter with unintentional comedy.
Travis Wood – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.00. Quite the season he’s having, that I wish I owned, but don’t trust at all.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 14th steal. In a league where I need steals, I own Alcides. As I said previously, I could see him getting to 25 steals by the end of the year. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 18th steal, and 2nd in as many games. Could be one of those times of the year when Dyson runs around like a chicken without its head. “I’m the Dyson no-headed chicken, snitches!” That’s what Jarrod says when I stare at his player page picture long enough.
Chris Getz – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 9th steal. When I saw this stealing outburst by the Royals, I went to look at Mike’s stealing column. And it had nothing about any of these Royals, but there’s some other useful info there.
Billy Butler – 2-for-4 and a homer. This was his 11th jack of the season. Thirteen if you count his flapjacks.
Mike Moustakas – Left yesterday’s game with a tight calf. Moustakas with a tight calf could only mean one thing — sorema for everyone!