(The following is the Introduction to my new (e)book, Pigeons on a Table! To purchase, click here. It’s $15. I will be donating a portion to my growing stomach. After you buy it, I’ll email you the (e)book. It is available in ePub, MOBI and PDF formats, i.e., it’ll open on your computer or mobile device.)
After the success of my e-book, Who Is Grey Albright?, and its straightforward, plain-spoken — help me out here, thesaurus… Undisguised? Open-bordered? Candid? Yes! Candid! – candid approach, I decided to take a different tack for my second book. By the way, if you want to read Who Is Grey Albright? you can right here: Sorry, if that’s hard to read. I copied the entire Who Is Grey Albright? book between the colon and “Sorry,” but put it in .000000000000000000000000001-point font. You have to get closer to read it. Maybe try a magnifying glass. You don’t have a magnifying glass? What if you do have a magnifying glass but your eyesight is so bad you don’t know you have a magnifying glass? That should at least be entertained here, no? Anyway, this book is not candid.
This book is less straight-forward. Who Is Grey Albright? was autobiographical, but this is not. With this book, I wanted escapism to rule the day. Goodbye, me. Hello, observe. Observe. Observe! Siri seems to be giving me problems. Perhaps dictating a book wasn’t the best idea. Not o-b-s-e-r-v-e, but a-b-s-you-r-d. Okay, Siri, that’s close enough. The absurd. That’s where we’re headed with this book.
I’ve always been a big fan of Woody Allen’s books….Snooze! Seriously, where am I and what was I saying? Oh, my inspiration. Right. Well, if you enjoy absurdity, I suggest you start reading this book right now, because this is going to knock your sucks off. Okay, really done with Siri now.
This is a collection of humorous essays. Some essays bleed into others, while some are standalone. Some aren’t even essays. For instance, I’m not sure if I’d call, The Shopping List for the World’s Fattest Man, an essay as much as words sitting on a piece of paper that just happen to be together. I didn’t proofread anything for longer than a minute, so if there are typos, I blame my editor. I’m kidding; I didn’t have an editor!
Somehow, this book came together in a way that was absolutely perfect. It just…flowed. Right after I spent sixteen months trying to come up with a title. Maybe there was nothing to call this book of humorous essays. Essays? It was a stew of dopey. A brew of dumb. A chowder of nonsense. A chowder of nonsense… *feeling each word come off my tongue* A… Chowder… Of… Nonsense…
A Chowder of Nonsense in a bread bowl filled with words and letters and stories and essays and…. I’m just hungry because I haven’t yet eaten lunch. This is terrible. A chowder of nonsense sounds like a collection of words that meant something else entirely in the 1700s.
For instance, a chowder is the name for a group of pigeons and nonsense was the archaic name for a table. So, this book is a table with pigeons on it? Terrific. Wait, that’s it! Pigeons on a Table! “Pigeons on a Table!” translates literally to mean a chowder of nonsense, and pigeons move around with no rhyme or reason and occasionally shit.
When I began writing this introduction, I had no title in mind, now I do. This is inspiring. If you’re aimless, with no direction, you too can come up with a title for a book of essays. Damn, this may as well be a self-help book about figuring out how to title a book.
This collection of essays — or as Hispanics call them ‘esses’ – is meant to be read from beginning to end, but I bet if you read it backwards, you’d understand it just fine. Here, I’ll get you started: dnE ehT is actually The End.
Now if you started at the end and worked backwards, sorry you just read all of that, but you have to admit there were moments. Like when I wrote that one thing…or that other! Damn, that was good too!
–To purchase, click here.