A Spanish woman, dressed in black, just pedaled past my house, chanting, “Luis Castillo no es Manny Trillo…Luis Castillo no es Manny Trillo…Luis Castillo… Oh shoot, I ripped my stockings!” It was totally sad. Kinda like when your best buddy, let’s call him Chase Utley, gets old man knee and the Phillies replace him with Luis Castillo. Luis Castillo would be good for my pre-All-Star Game contest where him and Juan Pierre have a home run contest and the gopher ball-happy Rodrigo Lopez is pitching. Just think of how few back’s we’d have to hear from Berman. There’s nothing as far as fantasy goes with Castillo. Even if objects appear closer in the side view, you still can’t see Castillo’s best days. To give you an idea of how terrible he is, the Mets released him. Long story short, he’s useless in any league where there are other starting 2Bs available. This Castillo signing does spell further doom for Utley. You really can’t draft him at this point. Also, my giant ostrich head has been in the sand too long with Howard. No Utley hurts him. I’m dropping him eight spots in the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings to right behind A-Rod. I would still draft him, but you can’t expect 115 RBIs or 95 runs at this point. Well, you can, but people might start to worry about you. Anyway, here’s some more news in fantasy baseball:
Johnny Cueto – Will miss 10 days or more with shoulder inflammation. Looks like Jason LaRue’s voodoo doll is finally working. This sounds like Cueto is going to miss at least a few weeks of the season. Obviously, not a great sign, but before we take Cueto to the mattresses for getting injured we should tempurpedic our concern. It’s a long season and he had a 5+ ERA last April and you still drafted him this year. He gets better in the heat, just DL him once the Reds do.
Brian Wilson – Mild oblique strain. Well, that’s vague. Wilson says he’ll be ready for Opening Day. If he can’t go, it’ll be Romo and his masked luchador, El Machine.
J.J. Putz – His back hurtz. I’d grab David Hernandez for vulture saves. He may not get them, but you don’t want any part of anyone else in the bullpen. Namely, Juan Gutierrez. By the buh-bye, there’s a closer report coming this afternoon. You can hardly wait! No, you!
Kendry Morales – As I told you last week after deciphering clues from the interwebs, he’s starting the year on the DL. What’s that lovely horn I hear? Oh, it’s a Trumbo.
Grady Sizemore – Set to test his knee on Tuesday. Him and Utley should totally cruise for chicks together in Wal-Mart scooters.
Ryan Zimmerman – Someone who won’t be cruising for chicks is Zimmerman with a sore groin. What a bummer, man. He says he’ll be fine without many spring ABs. I’m not too concerned, for now. Zimmerman does seem like he’s going to have a steep decline in his early 30’s a’la Rolen. Hopefully, he doesn’t adopt that Rolen-esque fast home run trot that is supposed to be uber-professionalism at its finest but actually comes off even more douchey to me.
Oliver Perez – Mets released him. Here’s the world’s smallest violin. Here’s the world’s smallest violin walking seven straight hitters.
Brad Emaus – The Mets 2B audition – aka the beautiless pageant – is nearing its end. With Castillo gone and Daniel Murphy being pegged as a “utility” guy, it looks like Rule V pickup Brad Emaus will win the job. He’s got great plate discipline, which is great in OBP leagues, but he doesn’t have great power or speed. Think 10/10 if he plays the full year. There’s still a chance though that they give a lot of playing time to Luis Hernandez (no hit, all glove), Justin Turner (who was great in Northern Exposure), Murphy, or some other blech option. For full disclosure, we picked him up as a bench guy in our NL-only; his upside is that he beats our incumbent MI, Skip Schumaker.
Starlin Castro – Rudy is high on Castro, saying crazy things like he could take a huge step forward. Castro’s big spring has done nothing to dampen Rudy’s enthusiasm.
Jeff Baker – Another player Rudy’s going a bit caca-cuckoo over is Baker. Right now, he’s still nothing but an NL-Only flyer, but Joyce DeWitt’s son is in danger of not even making the team.
Devin Mesoraco – Okay, so some of these updates are because we own these players in LABR, but you need to put shizz out in the universe. That’s The Secret! Mesoraco is hitting over .400 this spring, was drafted 15th overall in 2007 and he’s the catcher of the future in Cincy. He’s worth looking at in dynasty leagues. Dusty Baker added, “I like it when my catchers’ names sound like wrestlers. Ramon Hernandez sounds impressive but no one wants to get in a steel cage with someone named Devin Mesoraco.”
J.P. Arencibia – The Jays manager, who 85% of you can’t name, said the Jose member of The Flying Molina Bros. will catch Morrow and Drabek. When I said in the rankings, Arencibia reminds me of Napoli, I was hoping it wouldn’t be his lack of playing time too. Looks like Scioscia-ism has crossed the Canadian border!
Pedro Alvarez – 19/1 K/BB rate so far this spring. People seem pretty sure about drafting Alvarez above Reynolds. I think Mini Donkey might still have some kick in him. Cust kayin’.
Charlie Morton – Awarded the fifth starter spot in Pittsburgh. There are two types of crappy pitchers: 1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff. At least with the second type, they might figure it out. Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.
Nelson Figueroa – Currently the 5th SP on the Astros but he has the talent to be a 6th SP, 7th SP, 8th SP or even higher. If auction dollars had a face, the $1 would look like Nelson Figueroa and the $2 would be of some other pitcher laughing at the $1.
Jake Peavy – Will miss Opening Day. Do they make emoticons with tears? Oh, well, looks like Peavy’s back to usual shizz. Phil Humber is slated to take his rotation slot. Humber is from Nacogdoches (KNACK-uh-DOUGH-ches), Texas. Appropriately, he is not from mackadocious.
Justin Upton – Should be fine, but his knee is a bit sore from tripping on grass. Who is he, Tommy Chong?