Paul Goldschmidt went off again last night, collecting four hits with two 2-run home runs and scored four times. Awww Schmiiiidt! Goldy has been locked in at the plate lately. Over the past two weeks, he’s batting .400 with 5 home runs, 12 RBI and 2 stolen bases. As a result the D-Backs sit at the top of their division, winning three straight games and seven of their last 10. Paul is currently on pace for over 40 home runs, 15 steals and 120+ RBI. Although he will likely come back down to earth some, he remains the number one first baseman on the player rater and is looking like a lock to finish in the top three. He also is the number two player overall behind only mean Jean Segura. To quote Mike Myers second worst film, “I love…Goooold.” We all do, Johan van der Smut, you horribly offensive Dutch stereotype. We all do. If you read Razzball faithfully, there’s a good chance you own Pauly G. on a team or two. If so, you are lovin’ life right now, so enjoy this. Bask in it. Take. It. In. You earned it. I had a goldfish named Goldy but I never loved that dumb fish as much I love owning Paul Goldschmidt. So thanks Grey. Thanks Rudy. If you ever need a kidney, I’m your guy.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night:
Koji Uehara – 1.0 IP, 2 K and his first save with Boston. Koji probably should have filled in ninth inning duties to begin with, he could have run away with the job. He has closer experience in air quotes. Andrew Bailey is set to reclaim the role when he returns on Monday, but if Uehara’s out there he’s worth the speculative add if you need saves. Bailey has his injury issues like Bradley Cooper has mental issues so Uehara could be a nice plan B.
Clay Buchholz – 7.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 9 K. Trails Felix Hernandez for the American League lead in ERA. In the words of G.O.B, oh COME ON! I love All Day Clay but I cannot stress the sell high enough here. He is no Felix Hernandez.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-5 with his 13th SB. As bad as he’s been, and he’s been real bad, he still leads the AL in SB. And that is not nothing.
Jake Odorizzi – Most likely to take David Price‘s place in the rotation and start Monday. As far as streaming options go, you could certainly do a lot worse than Jake. Or is it Less than Jake? Grey told you to BUY him, and all his best friends are metalheads, so why not take a flier?
Matt Harvey – 7.1 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 6 K. Moves to 5-0. The Dark Knight of Gotham. The Chosen One. The one who will bring balance back to New York baseball. Matt Harvey does it all, hitting the go-ahead RBI in the seventh inning to get him and his fantasy owners the win. Oh yeah, he pitched great, too! Simply MattHarvey-lous!
David Wright – 2-for-4, with the slam & legs. David likes his legs Florentine. He’s classy like that, and shit.
Hiroki Kuroda – 8.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 5 K. Lowers his ERA to 1.99. Hiroki hasn’t given up more than 3 ER in a start all year, and has gone seven innings or more six times. Kurodaaaaayum! That’s value. Dude is also top 10 in the league in ERA and top 5 in the AL. *Pro Tip!* That will help your fantasy team!
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4. Has a nice five game hitting streak and batting .352 over the past two weeks. Color me pale and melky-skinned in complexion, but I am buying the Melkman. Under all the lies and the drugs and overall dumbness, there is talent here.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 5.0 IP, 7 hits, 2 ER, 9 K. I hate that I’m sort of buying this. Ubaldo has pitched four straight games with 2 ER or fewer and has won three of those games as a result (he gave up 18 ER in his previous 3 starts). I’m not starting him anywhere near the Detroit Tigers next week, but I am watching him closely. You hear that, Ubaldo? That’s me mouth-breathing heavily over your shoulder.
Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4, HR. The 2006 Mariners called. They want Raul and Richie Sexson back.
Eric Chavez – 4-for-5 HR. Chavy’s got eight hits in the past seven games with 2 HR and 6 RBI. He’s not a great long term option, but if you need a bat he heads to Coors next week and he’s available everywhere, so you gotta like that! The Snakes tallied 16 hits including 3 hits a piece from Gerardo Parra and Martin Prado. So take Chavy’s renaissance with a grain of sodium chloride.
Juan Pierre – 0-for-2, SB. SAGNOF!
Tony Cingrani – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 4 K. Tony C. gave up a home run to Jimmy Rollins but otherwise looked good. But was it good enough to keep him in the rotation? Find out next week on Baker’s Bullpen only on TLC. “Our shows are the worst!”
Cliff Lee – 7.0 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 7 K. The Adverb pitched efficiently and threw effectively but was unfortunately saddled with the no decision.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 with his 4th HR. If you thought he was done you may need to think again. He was just hibernating before entering beast mode.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4 with his 5th HR. His first homer since April 25. Really April 25th, huh? I hadn’t even noticed! *Shreds suicide note.
Kelly Johnson – 2-for-5, 3-run HR, 4 RBI. Kelly usually sits against lefties but man can he crush the righties. Over the past two weeks he’s batting .317 with 2 HR and 10 RBI. He’s got second base eligibility in some leagues if you need another reason to start thinking about grabbing him. Need another reason? He loves horses.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBI. The Rays scored 12 runs on 17 hits so the love was all over this line up last night. James Loney was 2-for-4 and is batting .348 with 2 HR over the past week. He’s a hot schmotato right not but I can’t recommend him outside of deep mixed or AL-Only. You can do better, bros. Friends don’t let friends own James Loney.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-3, 8th HR. He should team up with Stephen Drew and star in a procedural solving murder mysteries around Major League Baseball together. In the pilot, Zack Greinke is found dead in the showers sliced open from neck to taint. Who would do such a thing? Drew & Hardy are on the case. (Spoiler: it was Carlos Quentin). Honestly, doesn’t that sound better than The Killing? I would watch this.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5 with his 6th HR. The Dread Pirate is batting .345 with 3 HR and 3 SB over the past two weeks. Yes, please! Pedro Alvarez went 2-for-4 with a 2-run HR to bring his average to .197. Sheesh. Like Tim Taylor, we’re going to need to see MORE POWER, and soon, to make him worth keeping around. Ho ho ho ho grunt!
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4, 3 RBI. Kips hit the game-winning HR in the tenth inning. OK, Kipnis is a stud. Cleveland you’ve got yourself an all star. Play your cards right Jason and you’ll be taking your talents to South Beach in no time.
Drew Stubbs – 1-for-3 with the slam & legs. Had to mention him because of the slam and legs, but for the record I would have preferred not to.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 2-run HRs, 6 RBI. As the old fantasy adage goes, “Ye who wants Aramis Ramirez should not draft him, nay, but ye should trade for him in June.” He is a mercurio.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4 with his 9th SB. CarGo-Lite will do anything and everything for my fantasy team. That’s why we’re in love.
Allen Craig – 3-for-3, 2 runs. The Cards had 13 hits including a David Freese grand slam in the first inning. Craig is batting .404 over the past two weeks with 2 homers and 10 RBI. Hard to believe those two homers are his only two of the year, but now he’s hitting like everyone said he would. I’d try to buy low before the Allen Wrench starts hitting bombs left and right.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3, 6th HR. How does he do it? I don’t know but he just keeps doing it. Life is funny sometimes.
Adam Rosales – 1-for-3 with his 2nd HR. Batting .286 with 2 HR over the past two weeks. What’s your middle infidel done for you lately?
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, 2 HR, 4 RBI. His 6th and 7th HR. That’s how you bust out of a slump for good.
Chris Denorfia – 2-for-6 with a run and a SB. Denorfia is out there in over 90% of RCL leagues, and he’s got two stolen bases and a home run over the past two weeks.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-5, 4th HR. The Gyorko store called. Home runs are now 20% off this week only!
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-4 with a run and a RBI to raise his average to a league leading .376. Migs also leads the league with 42 RBI. I said last week in a dynasty league there’s no third baseman I’d rather own than Manny Machado. Well, except this guy. Duh-doy! I really britta’d that one.
Rick Porcello – 5.1, 5 hits, 1 ER, 6 K. His fourth straight quality start. I’m as surprised as you, and Rick was even more surprised in himself. He said to reporters after the game, “If I knew winning felt this good I would have sold my soul to the devil a long time ago.”
Madison Bumgarner – 4.2 IP, 7 ER, 4 K. But you didn’t start him at Coors anyway, right? Right?!
Marco Scutaro – 3-for-5 with a run and an RBI. Yeah, you can pick him up. I won’t tell anybody.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with his 10th HR. Batting .360 with 3 HR and a SB over the past week. There’s no place like home, especially if you play in Colorado.
Jarrod Parker – 7.0 IP, 4 hits, 1 ER, 5 Ks. That’s more like it. I wouldn’t pick him up for his start in Arlington next week, but if he can get out of Texas unscathed I’m buying.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, run. The Tank was one of Grey’s BUYs this week. That’s because he hits home runs. He hits them real far, too. As is their custom, after the game Dayan and Anibal Sanchez went clubbing with girls named Mike and Frank.
Chris Sale – 7.2 IP, 0 ER, 12 K and his 5th win. Much like Avisail Garcia, Chris went all AWOLNATION on the Angels. This is how he shows his loooove. He blames it on his slide because. Blame it on his fastball speeeeed, babeeee! SALE! This is how the Angels died. He blames is on his own sick slide(r). Blame it on the fastball speeeed, babeeee! SALE!
Scott Van Slyke – 2-for-4, 2 HR. If your thinking, Van Slyke sounds like a shady used car salesman that’s because he, in fact, a shady is a used car salesman on the side. And he’s got a ’91 Toyota Tercel with just 220,000 miles and your name on it. It’s even got a tape deck! With bonus Creedence tapes!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 5 BB, 2 ER, 5 K. Out of 100 pitches he threw just 56 for strikes. Hadouken, indeed. The Braves line up is stacked so we’ll give him a pass but I’m selling high. People seem to like Ryu a lot, too, so I’d recommend listening to offers.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, with his 14th HR, Grand Slam, 5 RBI. Basically, he got tired of trying to be like his big brother these past few weeks and decided he’s just gotta be Justin.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 2 runs, RBI. Now that that pesky appendix is gone JayHey can really get down to business. Cursed organ! If you can be a Top 30 player from here forward we can be best friends again.
Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below, or you can get at me on twitter @dandemanco. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!