True story, I was minding my own business in my backyard recently — mowing the lawn, wiping my brow with the bottom of my shredded Hulk-a-Mania t-shirt, sipping a real super cheap beer. Just being at one with the sun that Al Gore hasn’t yet taken from us, and bronzing my calfs because they look better bronze, when I got to thinking. Not super deep thinking like if I were a sushi chef, I’d make a maki roll with hamburger and Doritos and call it an “Eye roll.” Just surface level thinking, and it hit me. How rare is it that a guy is top five for fantasy value on our Player Rater and he doesn’t have one insanely huge game all year to warrant a lede. That was the case with Paul Goldschmidt, before yesterday. Then, as they say, Au Shizz went shizzy all up in Rizzy’s hizzy — 3-for-4, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and his 23rd, 24th and 25th homers, and now hitting .320 on the year. This should finally put him on top of the Player Rater for the first time all year, after sniffing the Judge’s robe for the first three months of the season, in the number two slot. And there were people who didn’t want to draft him in the top three spots in the preseason. Haha, oops. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Drury – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer. He stopped being an everyday player at some point in the last month. Funny, because the guy who replaced him sounds like what you drank too much of that made you say, “Drury.” “Do you know why I pulled you over?” “No, officer.” “You swerved across two lanes back there.” “Oh, sorry, I was picking up Drury.” “Whoa, Slurry McSlurrstein, step out of the car.”
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.42. The switch of leagues has changed things for him, because, since the trade, he’s giving up runs mostly to NL hitters. You fell for the trade to NL hype, didn’t you? The Cubs got a pitcher he must be much better now hype? The new scenario hype? I got rhetorical questions, y’all! With interleague play so prevalent, changing leagues doesn’t change much.
Willson Contreras – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers. Hopefully Joe Buck doesn’t verbally orgasm all over Contreras this offseason and jinx him like he did to Schwarber.
Matt Garza – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.68. The Brewers have nearly a whole staff (minus Nelson) who are doing much better in real life than they have any business doing. Garza has a 4.77 xFIP, that would be around the 15th worst in the majors if he qualified, but he doesn’t qualify because not only is he bad, but he can’t even stay healthy.
Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. The previous home run was a pinch hit homer, and he doesn’t play anywhere near every day. By the way, six of his homers have come vs. the Cardinals. Not a conspiracy nut, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Pope owns Jesus on a fantasy team.
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.66, but pulled for a pinch hitter after four innings in a one-run game because Matheny wears the cologne, Desperation by Krusty the Clown.
Adam Wainwright – Expects to return on Sunday. This is big news for 2008 fantasy throwback teams.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.33. You know what kind of year Wood’s having? Kershaw’s. Only half kidding. As the ladies like to say, my lower half is the joke. While you wait for Wood to get injured, he’s not getting injured. Cust kayin’.
Julio Teheran – Expects to make his next start. Teheran rises again! Ptooey on Sgt. Slaughter!
Sean Newcomb – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Scouts say there’s something here to be excited about, but I’ll be damned if I’ve seen it. Beginning to think Newcomb was a waste of money and I should’ve stuck with pomade.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. C’mon, someone ask if they should pick up Albies. I’m fiending to tell someone to grab him!
Michael Fulmer – Hit the DL with ulnar neuritis. Oh, cool, no big deal. It’s in his elbow….And panic! Honestly, I have no clue. The Tigers’ beat writer says Fulmer needs to rest, and Tigers are hopeful DL stint won’t be a long one, which is code for Tommy John surgery.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .279. How antithetical to everything we know about Upton has he been this year? Usually he’s top five in the league one month, and bottom five the next month. This year he’s so okay.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, a leadoff homer. Kinsler’s family saw the leadoff home run and were like, “What’s the rush? You have to get back in the car and go home already? You just got here.”
Chris Tillman – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.10 through 15 starts! Can we check to make sure *uck Showalter is watching the games with his eyes open and isn’t wearing those open-eye glasses? Tillman shouldn’t be pitching is about as obvious as the nose on Jon Niese’s face.
Tim Beckham – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .271. Gonna have to look at Beckham hard this offseason. On the surface, I feel like there might be more here we haven’t seen yet.
Kendall Graveman – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.96, as he was activated from the DL. Billy Beane on the treadmill, turns to Jonah Hill, “Still too early to judge the Josh Donaldson for Graveman and Lawrie trade.”
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .242. C. Delores Tucker should put an advisory sticker on the Giants’ lineup. How dare they put a Posey under a Belt. That is profane!
Ryder Jones – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He’s plugging a hole right now, so it makes sense he’s hitting in the two-hole. Jones played 3B yesterday but the Giants are talking internally about going to Sandoval. They’re speaking internally about it, because if they say it aloud people will laugh.
Nick Williams – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Maybe that schmotato glimmer is aglow again, but recently he went…What’s cooler than being cool? Ice cold!
Kole Calhoun – Expects to return today from his hamstring injury. Either way, I expect him to run on it gingerly. Hehe. BECAUSE HE’S A REDHEAD! Sorry.
Jason Kipnis – Expects to return on Sunday, and says his hamstring hasn’t been an issue. Thank you for your subscription to Men’s Health.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .272. Now has two homers in two games, and on pace for around 25/12/.275 and feels super underwhelming, right? I mean, an MI shouldn’t have to do more.
Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Every year it seems to be the same story. Imagine how good Kluber’s numbers would look without the less-than-stellar April. If you’re not setting an iCal right now for May 1st of next year to buy Kluber, I don’t even know you.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Yankee fans were screaming at him, “A Quality Start? What a bum! We coud’ve got that from Luis Cesna, or whatever the f*ck his name is. What is he, a plane? I got a cousin that thinks he’s a plane. My family calls him Delta Burke. A real nutjob.”
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .271. Gary tried to pick up Gray, but they needed to scramble for more nurs.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, and 4th homer in the past three games. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you need power, tell Tom Petty, there’s no reason to wait.
Alex Claudio – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 5th save. Rips up losing tickets, throws them in the air and walks towards the exits. I give up! Claudio’s the closer again? Then why did he pitch almost three innings the other day and enter the 8th inning two days ago? S’s and g’s?
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd home run and 3rd pants-gasm Prospector Ralph has had in the past week. Devers will be in this afternoon Buy column, which is admittedly bizzonkers. How is he not owned in all leagues?
Mookie Betts -1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Mookie Best!
Rick Porcello – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the White Sox, ERA at 4.70. Okay, okay, not good, but I hear from Red Sox fans he’s being unlucky, so there’s a chance, right? Hey, at least he doesn’t have to give back his Cy Young. Unless he does. Does he? Because he’s really not good. Can they take it back and give it to Verlander still?
Avisail Garcia – Cleared for dry swings. The pitcher version of this is dry humps.
Nicky Delmonico – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 1st home run. Nicky Delmonico? Does he know Sal Romano’s mother? Who the eff– *looks at his minor league stats* So, I hear he’s good on defense.
Steven Souza – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. I’ve been blowing the horn on Souza since the first week of April.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .365. Not only the best 2nd baseman in baseball, but might be the best pure hitter, and easily the best guy to sit behind at a movie.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Last time I said McHugh was back, today, I say further proof.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers, hitting .210. Damn, that would’ve been a sweet batty call. Wouldn’t have woke up feeling regretful in the least. Though I prolly would’ve put on my underwear backwards and not realized it until later in the day.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. When you hit 18 homers in a shortened season one year, it was cute. It’s not cute anymore, Danny Boy. The waivers, the waivers are callin’.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Can still get to that magical (for him) 27 homers, but really needs some get up and go. Or maybe just a bit of the love his mom sends Corey.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-5 and a homer, hitting .281. Wanna guess how many home runs he has on the year? If you own him, you might want to turn your head or move to the next blurb. He has 11 homers. Not bad. Dot dot dot. For James McCann in the month of April!
Mark Reynolds – 1-for4 and his 23rd homer, hitting .284. For not one second have I thought about dropping him all year. At times, I’ve wanted to drop Benintendi like his name is Benafflecki, but not Reynolds.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .330. If the Rockies make the playoffs, does Chazz Noir get serious MVP consideration? He should, and not just because he’s the human version of Ebony & Ivory. “You are black, and I am Chazz Noir. You are weak with your bat, and my home runs travel far.”
Starling Marte – 3-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .254 with two homers and seven steals on the year. Not bad (if this were April 12th).
Sal Romano – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.88. After his subpar game, he received a call from his mom who was being touched up at an Art of Shaving. She said to him, “Sally, why da ya notta pitch betta? Your mudder worries bout ya so. You eat ya Polly-O string cheeses I sent? Ya always liked dose!”