And David Ortiz goes pop. For Patriots’ Day, the Sawx had a special throwback day where Varitek went yard, Pedroia acted like an MVP and David Ortiz acted less jenky than he had all season. Fulfilling their end of the bargain was Mark Hendrickson and the Orioles bullpen. *SCHMALTZ ALERT* Rudy and I went to college in Boston and Patriots’ Day was a time of general drunkenness as we mocked people who had just run the Boston Marathon all the way to Kenmore Square (about 25 miles). They may have been more fit than us, but at least our nipples weren’t bloody. R.I.P. Johnny Kelley. Hopefully they have you in the giant pace car in the sky. So I already labeled Ortiz a fantasy schmohawk this year, but some might see yesterday’s game as a positive going forward. Nope. If that was the case, the title would’ve been “GrandPapi Shows Signs Of Life.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joe Mauer – Will be back in two weeks. There’s the good news you need to trade him, auto drafters.
Ian Stewart – Hit his third home run. Hmm… Let’s see, play young prospect that could be the future of your franchise or play Seth Smith? May 15th called, it says it wants Seth Smith on the bench by then.
Garrett Mock – This is funny. The Nats supposedly brought him up to potentially insert him in the closer role because Hanranhananan has been awful. Mock’s Triple-A numbers were 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER and 5 walks. Yep, that fixes that problem. In related news, Joel Hanranhananan got the save yesterday.
Brian McCann – Off to see an eye specialist — isn’t that an oxymoron? This could be bad news for teams who bucked advice and drafted McCann. The Disabled List Informer informs us that McCann could be out a week or two.
Cameron Maybin – To say he looks lost is like saying Corey Haim’s a trainwreck. (Full disclosure, I had to Google to see if Haim was still alive.)
Mike Hampton – 6 1/3, 3 ER. Someone in the comments yesterday asked if Hampton may have one more run in him like Mussina last year. As with Mussina last year, I’m not paying to find out. Doesn’t interest me whatsoever. I can grab Ricky Romero, Porcello, etc. and try for some upside with a 5th or 6th starter. Hampton’s yawnstipating at best and unusable at worst.
Ryan Doumit – Bad day to be a squatter. Doumit has a right wrist injury. He’s the type of player to turn a sore wrist into a 15-day DL stint at the drop of a hat. Doumit owners, hold onto your hats.
Justin Masterson – 5 1/3, 1 ER. He’ll make at least two more starts and I like him for both.
Brian Bannister – Sounds like he might be getting the call up. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge to those in the Razzball leagues, Bannister sucks.
Andrew Miller – Not sure if he’s going to the Disgraceful List or just the regular 15-day DL, but either way, he’s outta here. Burke Badenhop should replace him. On the Marlins. Not on your fantasy team.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER. The positive is he won. The negative is my girlfriend had some kind of rash and I didn’t get to watch the game. “Grey, can we go to the store to get lotion?” “Girlfriend, can I finish watching this game?” “What inning?” “1st.” His numbers from the game look good. Maybe if someone saw the game they can fill me in in the comments. I’m still buying, just as I was when I said Jordan Zimmermann is a fantasy sleeper. Move over, Acta, I got an idea. The Nats should make their 5th starter their 1st starter. Revolución, Che!
Ross Ohlendorf – I did watch this game… unfortunately. 8 Ks through 18 innings for this -dorf is about all you need to know. I wouldn’t even take a flier on him in an NL-Only league. The only league I’d try him in is a Dorf-Only league. And try to find one of those ever since the Dorf oversaturation of the late 80s… Dorf on Golf, Dorf on Fishing, and when he went all meta with Dorf on Dorf.