Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback. That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs. I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say. I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab. Does he deserve another chance? Sure, why not? What, he kicked your puppy’s nads? Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars. You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces. The rest is icing. …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong. If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing. Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry? Mmm…Deep fried butter. Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks.
Hong-Chih Kuo – It’s so frustrating when you own a guy that should step into the closer role and he’s currently sucking. Well, that’s interesting for you to read. Moving on…
Eduardo Sanchez – I think Tony La Russa is building a case to get out of some kind of contractual obligation. A’la, “Yes, my client, Tony La Russa agreed to endorse Sbarro, but as he’s shown from his managing of the Cards bullpen, he doesn’t know what he’s doing from minute to minute.”
Fernando Salas – I see your closer committee and I raise you a closer clusterf**k.
Mark Melancon – I just read about him somewhere. Oh, I know. Scroll down to this morning’s post. It’ll help exercise your typee muscles.
Aneury Rodriguez – Because of Gallardo, Liriano and a host of other schmohawks, I’m actively looking at Aneury in more leagues than I’d like to admit.
Bud Norris – Don’t make me say something pithy, just pick him up already.
Matt LaPorta – Here’s a peek behind the curtain at Razzball HQ. I start the Buy/Sell on Monday and as the week goes on I add and remove players. LaPorta has been in three Buys on Monday and hasn’t made it to Friday staying hot. Not a great sign, but he is kinda hot now so do what you do.
Ian Stewart – It took over a year, but I think the fantasy community has finally given up on Stewart. So what better time for him to finally break out?! Yeah, that’s wishful thinking. If you lost one of the twenty-five 3rd basemen that are out injured or just suck (Pedro Alvarez, “I understand you are talking about me. I apologize sincerely. Now I wish to eat a piece of cake and strikeout.”), grab the one, the only Mini Mini Donkey.
Allen Craig – Out of curiosity, I went back and looked at what Pujols did his first month in the major leagues to see why La Russa ever even played him. Sure enough, Pujols hit .370 with 8 homers in April of 2001. Allen Craig, that is what you’re up against. Good luck!
Scott Sizemore – On the other hand, if you were to suit up your dachshund in a Tigers uniform, Leyland would probably bat him in the top of the order.
Clint Barmes – I picked him up in one league for the short schedule day yesterday and think I might run him out there for a few while Beckham (or Bartlett or Alcides or Nishioka) gets his act together.
Ben Revere – SAGNOF!
Matt Joyce – Still on fire from his last appearance in a Buy/Sell. But a word of warning, he’s nearing 50% owned in ESPN leagues, which means he’s about to bomb.
Angel Pagan – Not a huge fan, but he should get better and be owned in more leagues than he currently is.
Peter Bourjos – Sure taking a long time for people to pick this guy up. Don’t make me send his cousin Per Djoos after you.
Jason Bourgeois – Could probably steal 800 bases this year if he played every day. Okay, plus or minus 750.
Will Venable – More steals yadda3. Apropos of nothing, Max Venable, Will’s pop-pop, had a 12-year major league career and he has about as much on his Wikipedia page as I do. Someone fill out my man’s stub.
Alexi Ogando – Just went over how his xFIP is farting in his ERA’s general direction. Hint: It was yesterday’s afternoon post.
Placido Polanco – Probably will hit .400 just to spite me, but if you can trade him for a Brain Freeze or even a low-end Donkeycorn, I would, and I don’t usually trade for closers. BTW, I’d love to be sitting over the shoulder of someone who stumbles on this website for the first time. Donkeycorn? Brain Freeze? Hot schmotato? How are there 250 comments on every post at this site? Is this a cult? Razzball? How about Razz-what-the-eff-is-this-mustachioed-man-talking-about?
Russell Martin – I admit that I don’t think you can trade him for much, but I’d try. He was a hot April, not a hot beginning of a great season. Plus, The Great Gazoo is back.
Ben Zobrist – He’s the number one rated 2nd baseman according to ESPN’s Player Rater as of right now…Unfortunately, half of his stats came from one day. Remember it wasn’t that long ago that you were thinking about dropping him because as of April 22nd, he had a .183 average with 3 homers and 2 steals. Then the last week of April, he tripled just about all his stats. I wouldn’t trade him for Micah Hoffpauir’s fake ID, but I’d explore options.