Julio Teheran held the Pirates to one hit yesterday with 11 Ks in 8 innings, lowering his ERA to 3.30, making Teheran victorious vs. the Pirates. Which sounds like it was a battle of hostage takers. “You give us Wandy’s forearm!” “Okay, you give us Uggla’s Ed Hardy-clad booty.” “Um…What?” “You heard me, those jeans are hot on the black market.” “So, you just want the jeans or his actual booty?” “Enough questions, infidel!” Only these weren’t like Somalian Pirates, they were more like The Pirates of Penzance. Zing, high-five self! As Obama and New Jersey work tirelessly to restore Beachy to its former glory of cigarette-scented arcades, frozen custard and teased-out hair, Teheran is making the Braves job difficult for what happens when Beachy returns. Do you think the Braves bump Teheran? Maholm? Hudson? I got a question broken up into three parts, y’all! Maybe Maholm will get hurt. He did, after all, throw, like, 17,000 sliders last year. Well, time will tell unless the Mayans stop the planet abruptly. I’d obviously hold Teheran until the situation resolves itself. I.e., I’d take Teheran hostage. Zadow, fist pump self! Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I typically don’t delve into any notes on the Next Five section of this feature, but with some intriguing names popping up there this week, and one name in particular being Carlos Martinez. With recent injuries to Jaime Garcia, Jake Westbrook, and John Gast, the Cardinals have already turned to Michael Wacha and Tyler Lyons to fill rotation roles, but they’ve also optioned Martinez to Triple-A, where he’s being stretched out as a starter. Coming into the season, there were plenty who graded the 21-year-old as the best arm in St. Louis farm system — better than Shelby Miller, better than Wacha. It might be a little farsighted right now, but be sure to keep a close eye on Martinez as he gains stamina in Memphis. He could be a hugely valuable commodity for the stretch run of the fantasy season.Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s no way you haven’t heard, but the MLB is reportedly going to suspend, like, a team’s worth of players. Maybe the potential suspendees should form their own team and own baseball league. Maybe wear suspenders? Womp, womp – that’s like a dad joke. I heard Jose Canseco is still trying to play. He’d fit in perfectly!
So you’ve got Ry-Ry Steroids-Steroids and steals king Everth Cabrera and have either the fantasy blues or fantasy roid rage. Why not start afresh and draft a daily league team and win back that money your juicing up players are going to lose you in your fantasy league? Our friends at DraftKings continue to provide us with an awesome RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE Can You Beat Rudy Gamble Contest where the top winner gets a ticket into their huge $100,000 Punch Out which runs next Friday with the top winner getting $20,000! Remember you have to click on that link above, or this one here, or the same very one here to get in. It’s secret to everyone else! Then spots 2-10 double up to $10.00 on a measly $5.00 entry.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did someone call Glenn Frey? Cuz the H is O. When the news hit, I was on the toilet, which reminded me of that famous Lawrence Taylor quote when he said, “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.” Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez‘s lives are in that same proverbial toilet; hopefully they avoid sleeping with an underage prostitute. “Baby, you ever see me break Theismann’s leg?” “The Theismann Trophy? Wow, isn’t that bronze?” “Joe Theismann, woman!” “Woman? I’m 16.” That’s an audio recording of LT in the hotel room. So, the world is ablaze with ESPN’s report that a suspension is forthcoming for Braun, A-Rod, Yasmani Grandal, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta and Everth Cabrera, amongst notable fantasy names. Gio Gonzalez isn’t in danger because he makes people write down shizz in invisible ink. “I bought this pen from the back of comic book, forgoing the 3-D glasses.” That’s Gio at the steroid reception desk. By the by, how buff was the lady taking calls at Biogenesis and how bad did A-Rod hit on her? I got questions, y’all! If Ryan Braun is suspended, the repercussions will obviously be huge for your fantasy team. However, Braun looks like he’s already battling something — the Jewish guilt? P to the erhaps. If you’re doing well in your league with the Braun that you have, chances are you can rotate through hot schmotatoes in shallower mixed leagues to give you his production. If A-Rod is suspended? Well, no one cares outside of the buff receptionist. EverCab could also send people scrambling for steals on waivers, while Cruz and Jhonny are replaceable in most mixed leagues. On the bright side, Braun’s lawyers will probably fight this for at least a month or two, and they’ve won before over what mail carrier someone used, so you never know. On the brighter side, the publishers of the Jewish Sports Hero Pamphlet can hold off on an expansion for a while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s the deal. We all love guys with exciting upside, but every now and then we forget that there may still be upside remaining in certain players. Starlin Castro is currently sporting an uninspiring .650 OPS, by far a career low. When I was at the Cubs game this past Sunday, it was mentioned that it was Castro’s 500th big league game. Pretty impressive, especially considering that he’s only 23. So, let’s think about it – Are we going to put more weight in his struggles this season or the chance for a rebound, based on his past numbers and youth? I’m going with the latter. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb, let’s call it an arm and a leg, and say that I wouldn’t be surprised to see him produce a .290/.340/.450 line for the rest of 2013. That would be elite for a shortstop, especially a healthy one. Typically shortstops hurt your OPS, but Castro can be one who actually helps it. I’d be seeing if his current owner is worried about him, especially in a keeper league. He could continue to be a top shortstop for the next decade.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I sat out today’s podcast due to inclement weather (not true). It was raining here and I felt blue (still not true; it never rains in Southern California, listen to Tony Toni Tone. I think I might’ve been kicked off the podcast due to my high-pitched squeal. I’m investigating lawsuits. “Honorable sir from Canada, I wish to be on my podcast?” “Will you promise not to cackle?” “Dah!”) Instead, underwear model, Tehol, joins the pod to discuss the waiver wire, but Nick suggests Tehol get one of his undergarment companies on board as an in-studio sponsor. Weird, I always imagined Nick already did the podcast in his underwear. I guess I can still imagine that. Also, Tehol goes into detail about how easy it is to score chicks as an underwear model. I’d say if you’re an underwear model and you can’t score chicks, you’re gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Also, author BJ Rudell joined Nick to discuss some overlooked baseball strategies and why co-ownership is the work of the devil. Then JB brings us the daily fantasy report and discusses how he killed it in the Play with Rudy from Razzball contest last week. Finally, Rudy tells us how to use his new tools, the Buysellatops and Platoony Tunes. (Only the Hitter-Tron tool needs you to tickle its balls to work.) If you just found this post by typing into Google “gay” + “fantasy podcast” + “BJ” + “underwear model” + “tickle its balls.” Welcome! We don’t judge! Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with BJ & The Bear, Nick):Please, blog, may I have some more?
The only thing more boring than listening to someone talk about their fantasy team is to read a post writing about their hordes of teams.
So feel free to stop reading if you came here for advice vs. updates on our teams. We only ask that if you do read, keep reading after the first couple.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Mauledbypandas stretched his lead in the overall standings to 4.2 points with another impressive week, hitting .298 with 16 home runs and 51 RBI, as well as recording a 2.58 ERA and 0.96 WHIP in 52.1 innings. Jack Full of Hate also continued to shine with the 4th and 18th place teams. Check out the new Master Standings (you can also access them via the Leagues menu up top) to see where your team ranks in comparison to the other 767 teams through Sunday. The page now includes sortable stats.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Domonic Brown went 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and yet another homer, his 17th. Can we just bask in the Brown glow? Or Basque, if you’re Spanish. A run like this only happens once in a blue moon. Or Blue Moon, if you like orange wedges with your beer. Brown is in the zone, then the zone called and said Brown doesn’t need to pay his room service bill. It’s on the house! (The zone just doesn’t do that sorta thing usually.) Everyone wants a piece of Brown. The League of Extraordinary Italian-Americans called and claimed True Romance was right and Domonic is Italian. The Mexican American hip hop duo, A Lighter Shade of Brown, is going to a tanning salon in anticipation of changing their name. Charlie Manuel said he’s known all along what Brown was capable of, but no one understands a word he says. From my mouth to your deity of choice, please let him stay hot until October. That is all I ask. That and to win the lottery. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You ask and you shall receive! I had numerous requests for a Jeff Samardzija Pitcher Profile, and since I’d only seen the fire-baller throw maybe once or twice against my Brewers, I thought it would be a great idea to break him down for Razzball Nation.
I know the big righty features a huge fastball that flirts with the upper 90′s, but off the top of my head I couldn’t remember any specific secondary pitches so I was excited to really analyze one of his starts. Remember when he was the top WR target for Brady Quinn? Seems like ages ago! Remember when he was an erratic fixture in that Cubs bullpen along with Carlos Marmol? I bet some of those innings made even Steve Bartman cringe. But it’s much further down the road with Samardzija a fixture in that rotation (along with your fantasy squad’s staff) and a piece of the Cubs’ rebuilding future. Let’s go through how he hurled against the Diamondbacks on Saturday:Please, blog, may I have some more?