Gerrit Cole has filthy stuff. He can hit 100 MPH with his fastball and make all four of our girl readers go, “Ooh…” Which reminds me of my Walk on the Wild Side remixed chorus, “And the four girl readers go doo do doo do doo do do doo.” There was a whole lot of nonsense, or whole lotta if we stick with the rock theme, when he was first called up that Cole didn’t want to strike people out. Does Alf not want to get back to Melmac?! Does macaroni not mean awesome when Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni!? Does everyone with glasses not look goofy on a 1980’s baseball card?! Ron Kittle? I rest my case! Of course, Cole wants to strike out guys. You can’t stop that! Yesterday, he struck out 12 of them. In 111 1/3 IP this year, he has a 7.60 K-rate and if you throw out June, when he was saying that nonsense about throwing to contact, his K-rate would be near 9. Oh, bee tee dubya, everything else is purdy, too. His FIP is 2.98, his walk rate is barely over 2, he gets ground balls. For 2014 fantasy baseball, Cole could easily be a top 20 starter for all of baseball and will be someone I’ll get plenty googly about this offseason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Starling Marte – Missed yesterday’s game because his wife was in labor. He’s married to Margaret Thatcher?
Neil Walker – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Wouldn’t actually mind seeing him hit 20 homers in the last week and confuse everyone next March about whether or not they should draft him. Let’s go crazy, Walker. Or maybe he’s too much like my mother, she’s never satisfied.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. If you foresaw Pedro hitting 34 homers this year, my question to you is why not use your psychic abilities to pick lottery numbers or get girls? You got some sort of 30-year plan that has fantasy baseball leading you to money and girls? Let me know how that goes!
Jose Tabata – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting near .300 with a homer in the last week. Him and his 68-year-old wife should double date with Marte and Thatcher. I’m bringing people together.
Ian Kennedy – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Kennedy brought the Ich, but forgot the bin ein Berliner.
Jason Castro – Underwent surgery on his knee to remove his cyst. Guess he did need a little a-cyst from the doctor.
Jose Iglesias – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand, but X-rays showed no fractures and he should be fine to continue to tell people his name by doing that schoolyard thing where he shows the church, the steeple and here’s the people with his hands.
Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks. Look at Fister getting the punch-outs! See what I did there? How about now? Now? Okay, forget it. On second thought, look again. See it?
Torii Hunter – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Fun fact! He dots his I’s with hearts. Well, more of a fun fact for forgers. Not foragers. Sorry to our two squirrel readers.
Joaquin Benoit – Notched his 22nd save yesterday and lowered his ERA to 1.91. They should re-sign Valverde in the offseason, then go on Montel and admit they always fall for the wrong guys. “But when he snarls it means he loves me!”
Felix Hernandez – Will start on Sunday. This was overheard in the Mariners’ clubhouse yesterday. “Hey, should we start F-Her or pull the plug on his season to get him ready for another 14-12 season next year where we miss the playoffs by 18 games?” “F-Her?” “You prefer Hernandeez nuts?”
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer as he hit leadoff. That’s baseball’s equivalent to the white flag. The Mariners team motto should be, “Don’t look at me, I’m ugly.”
Matt Adams – 1-for-1. Didn’t start, but was able to pinch hit, which is a good sign his elbow is feeling ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right.
Matt Holliday – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Coors Field is like his hyperbaric chamber.
Charlie Blackmon – 4-for-8, 1 run. Hitting over .400 in the last week, sounds like he can dunk a basketball and is a strong play for the next six days while the Rockies are in Coors.
Todd Helton – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 14th homer as he moves within fifty homers of not making it into the Hall of Fame.
Roy Oswalt – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Oswalt agreed to pitch yesterday in Colorado only because they let him drive the riding mower before the game. It was a compromise since he also wanted to wear a straw hat instead of the Rockies cap.
Hanley Ramirez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two home runs (19, 20) to go with his 10 steals and .351 average. On one hand, it’s a shame he only played 81 games this year. On the other hand, 81 games makes it very easy to prorate his stats over a 162-game season. On a third hand that is actually a glove on a hamster, assuming Hanley would’ve had a 40-homer, 20-steal season while batting .350 is the pinnacle of dopey. Or maybe that’s the nadir of smartness. Maybe those are the same. Will be interesting to see where Hanley goes in next year’s drafts, but I can’t imagine I’m going anywhere near him.
A.J. Ellis – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer. I streamed Mark Ellis (0-for-4) yesterday because of his success vs. Wade Miley (5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks). I feel like the kid who gets home with Khris Davis’s autograph.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 2nd straight two-hit game and is hitting near .450 in the last week with two steals in the last eight games. I have no Pollocks in my afternoon Buy/Sell, not even A.J. Pierzynski, but I could see grabbing Pollock for a little hot schmotato action.
Jean Segura – Out of the lineup yesterday. The news out of Milwaukee isn’t good. It seems the bronze Fonzie statue (or Bronzie) is turning green from oxidation and now looks like Frankenstein in a leather jacket. Oh, you were wondering about the news on Segura? Wouldn’t be surprising to see him shut down for the year.
Khris Davis – Sat out yesterday with his wrist injury that didn’t seem to bother him on Wednesday when he homered. Just give him a cortisone shot in his wrist so he can hit ten homers in the last week or join the U.S. National Hand Ball team.
Pedro Strop – Before the game, the Cubs announced Strop would be used as closer for the last week-plus, so, naturally, they sent him out there in a save situation, only it was the 8th inning and not 9th. Quit Strop’ing games (with my heart)! I still went to add Strop in every league where I could for the chance he gets a save or two in the final nine games.
Nate Schierholtz – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. I bet he has a Ryan Ludwick, 30+ homer season in his bat somewhere, but I doubt anyone outside of NL-Only leagues will ever see it. I mean, someone might pick him up next April if he’s hot, but that will be after he already has a few homers in the bag. The lack of humor in this blurb is evidence to why no one in mixed leagues will draft him. He’s boring as shizz.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t flat-out hate Arrieta’s next start vs. the Pirates, which means the Stream-o-Nator is smoking crack. Arrieta has a 5+ BB/9 and could be the worst pitcher in baseball, if given half a chance.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Astros. Terrific, super, fangasm, whatever, but he gets the White Sox next week and that’s another solid matchup to stream. I’d definitely grab him if I were low on innings/starts.
Nick Swisher – 4-for-4, 1 run. A little birdie told me Swisher bought the newly-shorn Brady Anderson sideburns and glued them to his face. Yesterday, was the first day he had the face accoutrement. Take that as you will.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer and third homer in the last nine games. Hasn’t done much else as far as batting average and counting stats (it’s the Twins!), but I could see adding him for some power.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-3, 1 run, but no walks. Lame!
Stephen Drew – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .333 in the last week with two steals (!). I’m juggling middle infidels so there’s a chance I could pick up Drew. Take that as a positive or a negative, but if you take it as a negative my feelings will be hurt. You want that?
John Lackey – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks as he ran right through the O’s, lowering his ERA to 3.44. JB should’ve went with this Red Sox veteran as a sleeper instead of Dempster. Will JB ever live down calling Dempster a sleeper? No, probably not. Go give him crap at our fantasy basketball section.
Matt Moore – 4 IP, 5 ER, raising his ERA to 3.34. He gets the Yanks next and hopes to right the ship and get his ERA to 3.19 on the year because that’s what I projected him for. But no win next week, since he has 15 wins already and that’s how many wins I projected for him. I wouldn’t mind if he got 90 Ks, too.
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks. In like a lion and out like a Gallardo.
Craig Gentry – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and three steals. Wasn’t Craig Gentry part of The Fabulous Freebirds? Michael Hayes, Terry Gordy, Jimmy Garvin and Craig Gentry, right? Either way, Gentry doesn’t start more once or twice a week, so there’s that.
Alex Rios – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and the slam (17) and legs (38). Is it me or does it seem like Rios goes to sleep in April and wakes up in September with a great season? I don’t remember every feeling a tad bit of jealousy about not owning him or pride about having him.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-6, 2 runs 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd this week. Someone’s winning their H2H matchup in homers because of Andrus. Just the way you didn’t draw it up in March, Smartz McSmartstein.
Edwin Encarnacion – Underwent wrist surgery to have scar tissue removed that he wish you saw. He expects to be ready for spring training or as they call it in my house, “I’ll see you in six months.”
Todd Redmond – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Not Your Slightly Older Brother’s Yanks. Solid stream if you had the testicles. He gets the Orioles next and I could see that going either way. Brucely, I wouldn’t mess with it unless I was desperate.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer and 3rd in the last week and fifth in the last 11 games, while he bats near .400 in the last week. Guess who’s hot again? Adam Lind? Yes, Random Italicized Voice, I was being rhetorical. More like retardical.
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks, raising his ERA to 3.17. Unless he throws twelve and a third innings of shutout ball in his final start vs. the Rays, he’ll finish with a 3+ ERA and will be forgotten about again next year. You’re welcome for Kuroda’s unintentional sacrifices.
Ed Lucas – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting near .400 in the last week. He’s garbage in the big picture, but what business is the big picture of yours? You have a God complex? On the 5th day, pick up Ed Lucas.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Big day for Ks yesterday. If you had Fister and Bum, you’re bleeding from your anus.
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Was just barely beat by Bumgarner. He should’ve stuck his head forward and he would’ve won.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. That’s after missing about 40 games. Yesterday, people were trying to put their finger on my top ten for 2014. Is Harper in there? A 20-year-old who can hit 30 homers and steal 15 bases if healthy? Sounds a lot like a young Adam Jones, and Jones was ranked 13th this year. Things that make you go hmm…
Stephen Strasburg – On track to start Saturday. He’ll be on a pitch count, and if the Nationals lose Friday he probably won’t start, and he’ll be pitching wrapped in packing peanuts. No precaution too much for their precious Strasburg.