You know how when you turn on the lights in my bedroom, the cockroaches scatter? Well, maybe you didn’t know. Okay, say Hodgepadres are the cockroaches and the lights are from any stadium but Petco. You following the analogy? Good, let’s add another layer. Now, I lay my pillow down on my Kinko’s-made, Michael J. Fox Teen Beat pillow case and I’m at peace with the world. Okay, now say my head is a pitch from a Hodgepadre and my Michael J. Fox-covered pillow is an opposing player’s bat. Got it? Good! One last layer, when I’m resting my head on Michael J. Fox’s head, I’m dreaming about how any pitcher could be going against the Padres, but the pitcher always has the same name on the back of his jersey, Guapo. And ‘guapo’ is Spanish for handsome. And Kris Medlen is handsome! Do you see what I’m saying? Why have you not picked him up yet?! Seriously, I’ve told you about six dozen times in the last three weeks. Search the site for yourself; I get 1/18th of a penny on every pageview. I got a castle made of pennies! You don’t need me to tell you why to pick up Medlen. Again. Just do it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chipper Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Well, technically, his oblique hit the second homer. But same diff.
Jose Bautista – Took batting practice and should be back in the majors in ten days. Get him back in your lineup (in ten days if he doesn’t have any set backs. Maybe I’ll tell you again in nine days, deal? Or would you prefer 7 days and then we rest on Shabbos? Or I can tell you again when he has a set back and then we can chat for a little over coffee and muffins. Eh, let’s just play it by ear.)!
Jim Henderson – Got the save yesterday, and the Brewers said they are unequivocally sticking with Henderson for saves for at least another game. This is sorta like during the Middle Ages when people would try to avoid the Black Plague by hallowing out dead people’s heads and wearing them as helmets. “Hey, Jimmy is that the cobbler’s head on your head?” “Oh, yeah, I was wearing it backwards. It’s the new style.”
Ryan Braun – 2-for-3, 3 runs with two solo homers. After Melky soiled all the baseball headlines yesterday, it’s good to see Braun put on a show for kids to look up to.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 with a homer. He has a four-game set in Coors starting last night. I seriously/for realsly/adverbly may lose it at some point with what he can do in Coors. He’s at 22 homers now. I’m going with an over/under of 26 by Monday. Anyone want some of that action?
Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. I don’t think there’s much left in the El Caballo tank, but he’s got three more days in Coors. Giddy up! (Pun point.)
Michael Cuddyer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 16th homer as he returned from the DL. As some fantasy sites would tell you, “Get him in your lineups.” Is this actual advice? Is this what passes for ‘pertise nowadays? I mean, I know I talk a lot of nonsense, but “get him in your lineups?” Really? That’s what you got?
Edwin Encarnacion – Didn’t start yesterday because of soreness in his wrist and shoulder from attempting a diving catch the day before. He should be fine, saying, “I’ve already given my fantasy owners enough for two seasons, let me take a chill pill and watch some Project Runway. Now, you make it work!”
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 and 3 runs as he DH’d, which switched Michael Young to 2nd (2-for-5, 2 runs) and Kinsler to the bench. Where was Mike Olt? He played right field for the first time in his major league career and made an error. Ron Washington was trying to find creative ways to get Olt in the lineup. He should also find creative ways to help Olt play the outfield. Like maybe one of those giant baseball glove chairs on wheels that he pushes around. Or paint the sky black for contrast. Then Roberto Kelly can sneak into the stadium by parachute.
David Murphy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. He hasn’t taken the full time job and ran with it, but I bet he can find himself some value for average with light power. See, he’s a professional hitter. Unlike the Astros.
Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Rays, who just had a perfect game thrown against them, and Haren’s last start was against the Mariners, where he gave up 5 earned in 3 1/3 IP. Six degrees of suckitude!
Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-3 with his 22nd homer. Since Bruce got hot over the last week, it’s actually becoming a battle between Ludwick and him as who will have the most fantasy value this year. Right now, Ludwick still got a nose on him. Such sounds like a good way to spread germs.
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but you don’t need that. He’s here now. Savior this moment. Namaste.
Dewayne Wise – 1-for-5 with his 2nd game in a row with a homer. Baseball is a lot like life in that every day is a new day. You can be a goat one day and a hero the next. If you’re a hero two days in a row, you become a hot schmotato. And that’s where the similarities between baseball and life end. In other words, don’t scratch yourself in public.
Francisco Liriano – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. With the lone blemish coming as a homer off the bat of Moises Sierra. Elias Sports Bureau said, Francisco Liriano became the first person to give up a homer to Ruben Sierra, Moises Alou and their son, Moises Sierra.
Cliff Lee – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. From someone who owns Cliff Lee, I gotta say I like this brand of a no decision better than the 6 IP, 4 ER one. Small victories are the only kind of victories he’s getting anyway.
Matt Harvey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hope you held onto him when I said not to drop him after his craptastic performance vs. the Padres. If you’ve yet to pick him up, go ahead. That was a nudge towards your waivers.
Daniel Straily – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. After his last start where he got bombed, I said, “I’d roll Straily out in his next start and think of this as a blip. If he has another bad game next time out, then that’s no blip, it’s a blimp.” And that’s me quoting me! Turned out it was a blip. Yo, blippin’ ain’t easy!
David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.39. And the Cy Young chatter heats up amongst baseball dorks everywhere! Wait, is that us? Nah, that’s redorkulous!
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Okay, AL MVP’s not happening, but I’d happily take September AL Player of the Month honors.
Jason Motte – Blew the save as he got beat by Krispie and Goldschmidt’s homers. Motte’s job is still safe, but I wouldn’t be opposed to someone imposing a Blown Save tax. Can one of the candidates work on that? C’mon, the Republican guy has a baseball first name.
Frank Francisco – Started the ninth in a non-save situation, gave up 3 runs in two-thirds of an inning, and was removed for the Rauch save. Frank-Frank should be doing time in fantasy owners’ Sing Sing before there’s a Mau Mau Uprising. Now raise your SAGNOF cup for Rauch, chin-chin.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4 with his third homer in the last three games. Yes, you should grab him. Yes, right now.
Garrett Jones – 2-for-3, 6 RBIs and 2 homers, now with 19 homers on the year. Damn, that would’ve been a great batty call. I’m really kicking myself for not picking up Jones. Not kicking myself anywhere important, like maybe in the appendix.
Neil Walker – Will not go to the DL after dislocating his pinkie finger. Guess he found it.
Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a solo homer. Pedro from Pittsburgh writes in, “Hey, guys, I now have 22 homers and 61 RBIs, but I’m only batting .235. What kind of 2013 do you think I’m gonna have?” Weird, you sound like you have a Canadian accent, Pedro from Pittsburgh. Anyway, I think you need to cut your Ks big time. Right now, it’s you and Adam Dunn at the top of the list of worst strikeout rates and then everyone else. It’ll be hard to hit much better than .240 with those Ks. “Thanks, now a question from Alyssa from Los Angeles…”
Matt Kemp – Ejected yesterday for bumping an umpire, and could face a suspension. He was arguing balls and strikes. As anyone who’s ever dated a Catholic girl knows, you can’t argue your way to first base.
Robinson Cano – Sat out for the 2nd straight day. Stiff neck: bad for baseball, good for traffic.
CC Sabathia – Yesterday, he threw off flat ground. Well, it was flat after he stood on it.
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-3, now hitting .284 for the Yanks with a homer and three steals in 22 games. You’d think the Yankees would’ve learned their lesson about trading with the Mariners after Pineda and Buhner.
Andruw Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Just padding his Hall of Fame resume that he hasn’t updated since 2004.