Adam Jones is not on a great team. He’s not hitting well. Not to be blunt, but he doesn’t even look like he’s getting stoned anymore in his ESPN profile pic. SOS to Adam Jones, it’s past 4:20, cuz. Grab some Crunk Juice and be fire. Right now, his BABIP, line drive rate, home run rate and walk rate are all way off. Bundle some non-investment-grade triple-B bonds make it seem like a triple-A tranche and trade them for Adam Jones. I.e. Add’em Jones. I.e., Make it rain for Adam Jones. I.e. Except After C. Jones won’t be terrible forever. Get in before everyone on your street owns an Adam Jones and then you just seem like a follower. You have my money back guarantee. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Alex Gonzalez – He will bat around .230 by the end of the year. He adds the U C to sucks. He needs a new neckerchief he has so many Demerit Badges, but he’s currently hitting, so there’s that.
Chris Coghlan – I don’t even like this schmohawk, but he’s not this bad. You might be able to pull him away from a panicky owner with a past the due date Pink Sno Ball.
Mike Pelfrey – Here’s what I said the other day, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor. Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark. His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base. He won’t continue to leave men on base, but he can maintain his small strikeout and homer gains. You’re not looking at a total breakout, but he can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.” And that’s me quoting me! I’ll also add to buy him while his sinker is keeping bats off the Pelfrey. Oofa!
Justin Duchscherer – I figured this guy was owned everywhere, then I see he’s only owned in 11% of ESPN leagues. This just in, Duchscherer worth owning.
Jon Lester – If he doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday. Go and get Lester now!
Cameron Maybin – Contributing steals, runs and average in the leadoff spot. Some power could come soon. That’s so Maybin!
Mike Napoli – In the beginning of the year, Napoli got plutoed. You’re a planet, you’re a planet, you’re getting declassified and catching batting practice. So you dropped Crapoli already three times this year and now you’re having a hard time keeping down empty at-bats from Clement. You’re thinking maybe it was better to have a DNP from Napoli than a DP/DS (Did Play/Did Suck) from Clement. Well, it’s your catching scab and it’s choice to pick it. Napoli’s playing again. For now. Will Scioscia find a way to screw you over again? Prolly.
Ike Davis – The other day, I dedicated a roundup lead to Ike Davis. He’s probably not that much better than Daniel Murphy. That’s an insult for those not familiar with the Murphy oeuvre. But if Davis hits, everyone will jump on the Davis and then you can flip him. Hey, it’s the rookie trampoline. Jump on them, them flip them but if you stay on it too long, you’ll fall and hurt yourself.
Jeremy Hermida – The Random Outfielder Off Waivers That Is Currently Hitting Homers That May Not Be Hitting Homers In A Week. Or ROOWTICHHTMNBHHIAW for those who find acronyms easier to remember.
Carlos Quentin – Early in the year I made a crack that he was like Robert De Niro in Awakenings. Then he did nothing for two weeks and I started to think someone should stick a fork in Quentin to make sure he’s still alive. Then I looked at his numbers. He’s been unlucky. Change gonna come, nephew. It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bettor and go after a hitter that isn’t doing anything, but Quentin should get better.
Julio Borbon – Take the Borbon off the shelf!
Juan Gutierrez – Gutierrez might be that pitcher you pickup only to watch him destroy your ERA and WHIP, then drop him only to watch him pitch well in the next game, then pick him up again3. Or maybe that’s me. I have a problem!
Brett Cecil – Besides having a name that sounds like a 1970’s pinup, Cecil has strikeout stuff, but was a bit wild last year. Though that might’ve been an aberration because earlier in his minor league career his control was pretty sound. I’d avoid outside of AL-Only leagues for now.
Alex Gordon – Every time I see Alex Gordon on waivers, I sing to myself, “Shooting at the walls of heartache… Bang, bang!” I’m not sure if I’m the warrior, Patty Smyth or a fool for picking up Alex Gordon.
Scott Podsednik – Member that Nike commercial “I am Tiger Woods.” Someone should do that commercial but use only super shady guys that look like they just stepped out of a peep show. Scruffy looking guy with a trench coat, “I am Tiger Woods.” Gary Glitter, “I am Tiger Woods.” Pee Wee Herman, “I am Tiger Woods.” That would be awesome. Anyhoo, a fantasy baseball version of that commercial would be: Nyjer Morgan, “I am Scott Podsednik.” Michael Bourn, “I am Scott Podsednik.” Rajai Davis, “I am Scott Podsednik.” Don’t get caught up in overrating Podsednik because he’s hitting well and getting some hot lady action.
Vernon Wells – Tied for the league lead in homers with Nelson Cruz and Matt Kemp. Right behind him, Pujols and Utley. This could be a test to make sure you can move from 1st to 2nd grade. Which name doesn’t fit?
Max Scherzer – A K/9 of 5.29, nearly 80% of men left on, an ERA of 2.12, a FIP of 4.62… You haven’t escaped, you’re dragging your feet on the inevitable. A’la Ray Walston in Robert Altman’s Popeye, “Your pappy was a dragger and you’re a dragger.”