Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez, the latest Cuban raftee, is set to sign with the Dodgers. Hey, I’m no Quicken magician, but with the money the Dodgers spent on Yasiel Puig and Gonzalez, couldn’t they just have bought the island nation of Cuba and had all of their baseball players? Shoot, for an extra million in designer green camo fatigues, they could have Castro too. “I like the green camo fatigues that Heidi Klum wears in Munich. But no fur hood! If it has fur hood, you Marxist down the price.” That’s Castro consulting with his fashion police. Gonzalez’s repertoire consists of a mid-90’s fastball, changeup, curveball and forkball. Anyone that’s seen him believes he’s major-league ready now, but M.A.G.’s will probably be sent to the minors for at least a few weeks, so it’s doubtful he makes any real impact this year for fantasy. Maybe we’ll see him start two, three or six times in September, depending on how bad the Dodgers need a starter. If nothing else, this signing will give Puig someone to commiserate with on why there’s so much Gulden’s on Cuban sandwiches made here. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer as he was activated from the DL, then he left the game with a minor ankle injury. If Hollywood ever gets around to doing a Bubble Boy remake, I got a kill two birds with one stone solution for them.
Yasiel Puig – Mattingly benched him for an outfield of Ethier, Crawford and Kemp. Mattingly is also being studied by a group of UCLA doctors to see if a mustache can make people smarter.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. For a moment yesterday, when I saw Kemp, Hanley, Kershaw, A-Gon and Crawford, I thought how the Dodgers are gonna be tough to beat, then Kemp got hurt again and I remembered how Crawford would get hurt again and Hanley would stop playing and — goddamn, homey, my mind’s playin’ tricks on me.
Carl Crawford – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1 steal. Managing to find playing time every day between all of the Dodger options if they stay healthy will take Carl being a Crawfjord.
Jordan Zimmermann – 2 IP, 7 ER, and the shortest outing of his career. What kind of fantasy baseball ‘pert would I be if I smugly pointed out that I just told you to sell him? Exactly the kind of fantasy baseball ‘pert you’ve always been? Yeah, that’s probably true, Random Italicized Voice.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3 and two solo homers off Kershaw. When he sees a pitch to hit from a Dodger, Jayson ‘anjoys’ jumbling up Clayton with a “C LA? Y not?”
Wil Myers – Missed yesterday due to a sore wrist. Owners pist. My shizz is so messed up, I lost my battleship playing Risk.
Luke Scott – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (1). He’s still hitting, so, yes, I would and do still own him. It’ll be apparent when it’s time to drop him. See the last few days from Leonys on what a guy looks like that should be dropped.
Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4 and his 15th homer. Let’s take, say, Asdrubal, and look at his numbers. Okay, now try to remember those numbers for a second and look at Kelly Johnson’s numbers. Now look at which one you have on your team.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-3 and a homer. 16 more to go!
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. What happened to the Ks? Did he FaceTime with Gerrit Cole? Archer goes to Yankee Stadium next, and while the Yanks lineup makes me think of the salad days of Mel Hall and Luis Polonia when all fans under the age of 17 got more than a free Yankee calendar, I wouldn’t trust Archer there. Not worth the aggravation in most leagues.
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, 4.75 ERA. The answer is, “Yes.” The question is, “Can I find someone of equal value to Dickey off of my waivers?”
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Just in time to get suspended again!
Alex Rodriguez – Was supposed to join the Yankees early this week, but now that’s not happening because he’s having an MRI done on his sore quad. *New York Post copy editor opens cabinet with Rodriguez nicknames, writes on a piece of paper Ail Quadriguez, closes cabinet*
CC Sabathia – 5 IP, 7 ER, raising his ERA to 4.37. After the game, CC tweeted #ramjs jabds thismyfoothelp87a9a. His Twitter profile reads, “The Yankees throw me for too many innings so sometimes I tweet with my toes.”
Mike Napoli – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. Gotta be his proudest day since he was photographed with his mom’s nipples showing.
Jonny Gomes – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Proudest day for Jonny since seeing Napoli’s mom’s nipples. Oh, and Gomes hit a homer on Friday and he rarely stops at only two homers when he starts hitting ‘em. Know what goes next to a hitting streak? A streaming hot schmotato.
Carlos Gomez – Sat out yesterday with a sore elbow. He should talk to one of the Milwaukee racing sausages, they have to have some extra elbows (or asses or lips).
Wily Peralta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. His next start is in Coors, which is blech, but after that he gets the Cubs, Giants and Mariners, which is yes, please and thank you. Also, he was a preseason sleeper by our fantasy football soothsayer, Sky. Go see if his sayering is similarly soothing for football.
Ryan Braun – 0-for-1 as he entered yesterday’s game as a pinch hitter. Someone should point out that it’s cheaters never prosper (in the long term). The parenthesis is as important there as (Don’t Fear) The Reaper.
Paul Konerko – His back withstood rehab games and he will be activated today. Guess whose back is back again? Konerko’s back, Konerko’s back, Konerko’s back.
Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 20th steal, and on Saturday he went 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 12th homer against the Braves, a team he was rumored to be dealt to. The Braves must’ve figured they had an extended version of Rios in Terdoslavich.
Jose Quintana – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. When I saw this line, what was the first thing I did? No, I picked out a wedgie second. First thing I did was look at what the Stream-o-Nator said about this start. It said burp, and other than the low earned runs it was burp.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and has played (and hit) in all the games since the All-Star break. I just thought of the perfect song for him to walk up to the plate with — “Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen).” Wouldn’t that be awesome? He’s walking up to the plate and there’s some strange voice talking behind him.
Mike Minor – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. About the only Braves starter I haven’t heard potentially going to the bullpen for Brandon Beachy or Alex Wood. Sounds like Beachy is finally ready to rejoin the club. There was even whispers that he could take Thursday’s start from Maholm. Or maybe the Braves are just one of those low talkers. I’m staying away from the Beachy circus in all of my leagues. In his rehab starts, his walk rate is over 5, and while that hasn’t hurt his ERA in the minors, if he gives up five walks per nine innings with the Braves, he’s going to get hurt.
Matt Holliday – Ended up hitting the DL which makes room for Matt Adams. Well, Holliday hitting the DL and the carpenter removing the door frame made room for Adams. Matt Adams brings the same to the plate as Billy Butler. Seriously, that wasn’t a fat joke.
David Freese – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and hitting .400 since the break (yes, that’s 4-for-10). I keep going back to Freese, because I have to believe some of that Cardinal fairy dust that has given a bounty of counting stats to every Cardinal hitter has to find Freese at some point.
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, moving his record to 13-5, and 2.44 ERA. Is it too early to talk about Cy Young? No, probably not since he’s been dead for 57 years.
Martin Perez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. I’ve been saying since he was called up that I don’t trust him. Do you think this start helped or hurt his case? Okay, I’ll give you another guess. *slyly shaking my head to lead you to the answer*
Chris Tillman – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.84 and moving his record to 12-3. All he does is win! Well, except for three times. Tillman, unlike Perez above, I like. He gets Ks, can be hurt by walks and homers but gives you a chance for a win (except those other three times). Unfortch, he gets the Red Sox next, but after that it’s the Astros and Padres.
Henry Urrutia – Called up on Friday to platoon at DH. He played Saturday (1-for-4 with an RBI) and sat on Sunday with a lefty on the mound, even though Urrutia was a switch hitter in Cuba and he throws right-handed. If you can figure that out, give me a heads up, cause it makes no sense to me. Urrutia pounds balls up the middle, and coincidentally his name translates to urethra. He looks like a solid average guy with some pop and little to no speed. Think 20-23 homers, .300 average and 3 steals over the course of a season. The problem is the O’s want to sit him vs. lefties (even though he is a natural righty!). I like him, but you need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup.
Tommy Hanson – Will be activated on Tuesday to start vs. the Twins. That’s the good and bad news all in one big ball of wax like when you clean out your ears and now can hear your woman.
Ryan Ludwick – Will start a rehab assignment on Wednesday. Ludwick said, “You thought I was retired all year? Nah, I was injured. Am I worth stashing in most fantasy leagues? No, I am not.” Gotta love when players really get to the heart of the matter with their comments.
Homer Bailey – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks. Was cruising through this game until he got Dustied when he gave up two runs as he was approaching 120 pitches. I was thinking the word dusty is like the chicken or the egg. When someone leaves something out too long and it gets dusty, is that because of Dusty or is the Reds manager named Dusty because of that? Deep thoughts with Grey Albright.
Jeff Locke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks in Cincy, moving his record to 9-2 with a 2.11 ERA. Well, I got sonavabenched by him here. Little did I know that the key to Locke is letting the chips fall where they may. Or the key to Locke is letting the chips fall where they may in bed, if you’re reading in a Chinese restaurant.
Garrett Jones – Two days in a row with a 1-for-3 and a homer. Walks like a hot schmotato, talks like a hot schmotato, is a hot schmotato.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. What 2nd half slide?! The one you kept saying was coming. I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s a figure of speech. What 2nd half slide is a figure of speech where? Mississippi? Forget it.
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 8 Ks vs. the Twins. Came within a hit of the seldom-discussed seven inning no-hitter. Nice start, but in the Hubert H. Homerfree Dome just about anyone is startable. Jair Jurrjens, “Even me, Grey?!” No, not you Jar-Jar.
Brad Ziegler – Got the save. On behalf of Ziegler’s owners, I’d like to send a strongly-worded letter to the Diamondbacks organization that they don’t need K-Rod, but postage is a fortune and if I buy those forever stamps, is there a guarantee that the postal service stays in business? Forever is a long time. What’s the contract look like for forever stamps? Do I get a refund if I outlive the postal service?
Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, 3.43 ERA. Has been far from dominant in any of his starts, giving up at least 2 runs in six of seven starts, but he gets the Padres next, and you don’t have to be a worker on rockets person to know that’s good.
Martin Prado – 3-for-4, 2 runs. It’s like Prado never went on break. Maybe because he took all of April and June off.
Jeremy Affeldt – Hit the DL. Luckily, Affeldt has Aflac.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. If you look at your waivers and Byrd’s still there after I’ve told you to pick him up for the last month, open your office window, toss your computer out the window, tell the homeless person it hits in the head your fantasy password and have them manage your team. You lost the privilege.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 7 for his last 13 since the break. Sure, his name sounds like one of the islands mentioned in Kokomo — Aruba, Jamaica, Juan Lagares — but he’s swinging a hot bat right now. Power isn’t usually a part of his game. Or it’s apart from his game. He does have solid speed and shouldn’t kill you in average.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, 2.23 ERA. For all of you like me that wanted Harvey this year but didn’t draft him, let’s form a prayer trapezoid and hope he gets shut down in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.
Cliff Lee – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in Metco. Oh. Huh? Wait, in Metco? Maybe Lee thought he was in Mexico instead of Metco and wanted to go Cliff diving? Yeah, I’m stretching here. I have no explanation for this start.
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, 3.90 ERA. As I mentioned Friday, there’s a chance that Fister has a 2nd half comparable to Zimmermann. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Andy Dirks – 2-for-4 and a slam (7) and legs (7). Damn, I almost picked him up yesterday because the Hitter-Tron liked him, but the Hitter-Tron was also fondling my coffee maker at the same time, so I had some pause.
Miguel Tejada – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer as he hits .280. He’s having a better season than three-quarters of the Royals infield. The Royals might consider fielding their Old Timer’s team in the 2nd half. The Over-the-Hill’er B’s: Brett, Biancalana and Balboni.
Yoenis Cespedes – Sat out all weekend with a sore wrist because the Home Run Derby is cursed. I’m kidding, it’s not cursed (it is cursed).
Brandon Moss – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. A rolling Moss catches no moss against righties.
Bartolo Colon – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his record to 13-3 with a 2.52 ERA. Sure, you could’ve drafted him instead of Verlander, but then everyone would’ve laughed at you, and now you’d be laughing at them. And those that laugh last come off as pricks, so you don’t want that.
Jonathan Villar – The Astros called him up to play shortstop. Your brain, “Yawn, moving on!” I hear ya, your brain. But Villar has some solid potential with his bat and legs. Or bat legs, if they’re skinny and hairy. He has 8 homers and 31 steals in 90 games this year at Triple-A. Everywhere he’s gone in the minor leagues he’s struggled to hit for a good average due to his Ks, which will help him fit right in with the Astros. If you need some sweet, sweet SAGNOF at MI and can afford a guy that might hit below .250, I’d give him a whirl.
Nick Franklin – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. In case you haven’t read the site in the last 6 weeks, that’s 7 homers in 45 games. I’m officially in love. Mentally, I have already drafted him in every league next year. Nick and I are gonna make babies and name them Giancarlo and Scherzer. Open a B&B in Nicaragua and make arroz con pollo for our guests. I do kinda wish he’d pull up on the throttle a tad so he’s not on radars too much next year.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 1 run and 2 RBIs. You might ask yourself if you need to pick up Ackley. Not yet in most mixed leagues. You may also find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. Cool stuff, David Byrne.
Brad Miller – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and two homers on Friday, which came after I highlighted him in the Buy column. You might also recognize him from posters all over your city that say, “I am Brad Miller, teen speed/power runaway.”
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, and 6 for his last 14 since the break. You know the people who wonder if they should pick up Yonder? They’re the same people who have never owned Yonder. If you owned him, you’d be *pinkie to mouth* over Yonder.
Starlin Castro – 4-for-5, 1 run. Don’t you want to add an apostrophe at the end of Starlin? Eh, maybe it’s just me.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. That’s right, Edwin, sing it… FIP don’t kill my vibe. FIP don’t kill my vibe. He gets the Giants next, and that’s a Edwin-win situation.
Rafael Betancourt – Hit the DL with appendicitis. Here I thought the Rockies swollen appendix was Helton. Betancourt will probably miss just over two weeks. This means Rex Brothers will get saves in his stead. The Rox trading one injured RB for another healthy RB reminds me of the time Arby’s offered to switch out my sandwich when I found a Band-Aid.