And another rookie is called up. It’s raining rookies that I will pick up for a few days and then drop if they don’t pan out in a matter of three days. First, let’s see what our prospect writer, Scott, said just four days ago about Manny Machado, “Machado’s line on the year at Double-A isn’t pretty: .266/.350/.431, 10 HR. Still, he’s not slipping much in mid-season prospect rankings, as scouts and pundits continue to believe in his tools. At just 20 years old, there’s ample time for him to play up to his potential, and I’m inclined to agree with the masses — Machado is still a future fantasy stud. Like Grey after a long hot shower.” Whoa, must’ve missed that last line. What I find even more remarkable, Scott had Manny’s stats right and he wrote that four days ago. Time traveler! Machado also has 13 steals and is what baseball people call five-toolsy. Let’s say, there’s a porn magazine called Five-Toolsy. Okay, the centerfold is B.J. Upton and Jim Bowden is the Ombudsman. The Orioles are saying Machado will play 3rd base. (I imagine he might spell Hardy too — That’s H-A-R-D-Y.) I think Machado will probably be terrific due to his position eligibility. But not this year. Maybe as early as next year. In keepers and AL-Only leagues, pursue with reckless abandon. As soon as next year, he could give you 15/15/.250. This year it’s a flyer that might give you a couple of homers and some steals. I’d take that flyer in most leagues. What do you have to lose? In my case, Ruben Tejada. Belch. Remember, Machado’s not even old enough to drink yet. In three years time, he could be a first round draft pick. For now, let’s sing, “Orioles called up Manny Mach Mach Mach…Dressed in all orange and black, black, black…” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jim Henderson - Now 2 saves in 2 days. Before you know it, he’ll start talking in the third person and call himself Jimmy. “Tenure? Jimmy Henderson has been in the minors only 7 years!” “From Jimmy Henderson’s condo, he can see the Entire State Building!” “Jimmy Henderson can do push-ups with no arms and just his toes moving up and down.” In honor of that, here’s an oldie, but goodie – Rickey Henderson’s Drinking Game. As for Jim Henderson, I’d go ahead and grab him if you’re vulturing for saves. He had solid K-rates in the minor leagues (albeit less than ideal walk rates), but this is as much about him as it is about the other Brewer “closers.” Yeah, they deserved the douche-curtains I put around closers. Axford and Dor-K both look like they’re taking DayQuil at night.
Carlos Gomez - 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and the slam & legs. About a month ago, someone must’ve pissed off the fantasy gods by verbally trading this CarGo for Votto and they smited Votto and turned FauxGo to CarGo.
Shin Soo-Choo – 4-for-4 with a run and 2 RBIs hitting out of the 3-hole. If he goes for 20/20 (he’s at 13/12), it’ll be the least exciting one since Hugh Downs went off the air.
Justin Masterson - 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now has a 6.68 ERA in away games and a 3.27 ERA at home. No one will ever accuse Masterson of being a Road Scholar, but when his Mom is grading his papers, he can be a solid home schooler.
Roy Oswalt – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER. He came into town via DFW. He might be leaving it via DFA.
Josh Hamilton - 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 30th homer. I call this Hamilton highlight reel, Pieces of April.
Mike Olt - Didn’t play yesterday as Moreland started at first (and homered). Holy sit! The Rangers just have too many hitters. The Astros should just merge with them when they join the AL. Altuve can mule drugs from Mexico for Ron Washington. Or something. I don’t know; they can figure it out. Though, I am really concerned about Olt. In a mixed 12 team league, I dropped him. I need guys that play every day on that team. In most leagues, I’d prefer to hold on Olt through the weekend and reevaluate.
Mike Napoli - Sat out yesterday with a sore quad. That’s a postscript on why you didn’t have an 0-for-4 yesterday from him.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Since I pointed yesterday Lynn’s stats after I dropped him, it’s only fair I point out Latos has a 2.20 ERA and 0.98 in 45 IP after I dropped him. I blame him for being a miserable prick for the first 3 months of the season. Or I can reformat this to, I told you he’d be good this year. Yeah, he’s scarred me pretty good, but I’ll probably go in on him again next year. Hard for me to hate too much on a guy with his stuff.
Heath Bell – Ozzie announced that Bell could begin to get some save opportunities again. The Marlins have twenty-seven million reasons to do this. They’re idiots multiplied by twenty-seven million.
Daniel Straily – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was victimized by 4 homers. If you’re in a Fangraphs Netanyahu league (or whatever it’s called), you can celebrate with his solid xFIP. Those of us who play a real man’s game (assuming there’s no actual real men in the room in Western wear and chewing ‘bacco) that uses things like ERA and WHIP, not a good start for Straily. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, but he did have 5 Ks and only one walk…Okay, I am gonna sugarcoat it. I’d roll Straily out in his next start and think of this as a blip. If he has another bad game next time out, then that’s no blip, it’s a blimp.
Chris Carter - 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. That’s in 29 games. In only 90 at-bats. Member how I used to say Chris Carter is a Ryan Howard clone? Well, Ryan Howard is a Chris Carter clone. Natch!
Ryan Cook – 1 IP, 2 ER, but still nailed down the save. But Still, Part II: The Return of But Still, Cook barely converted the save. Balfour gave up a homer to Trumbo and Doolittle looked solid in the 8th. I’d continue to hold all three; this closer shituation hasn’t played itself out yet.
Paul Konerko – Sat out yesterday with a concussion. Don’t worry, Dr. Morneau is cloning a liger and a rhesus monkey to come up with a concussion serum! Konerko may need a 7-day DL stint. We shall see. Or not. Your choice.
Brett Lawrie – Out again with an oblique. Still no timetable for his return or DL stint. Oblique, indeed.
Jose Bautista – His MRI came back and said — NON-SPOILER ALERT — his wrist only has inflammation. He can take swings next Monday and if all goes well, he could be back in about 3 weeks. Before we make up a well-choroegraphed twenty second handshake to celebrate, we’re still one set back away from him getting shut down for the year.
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks vs. the A’s in O.co, which I figured out is short for “Oh, c’mon!” because that’s what I kept yelling at the TV when Greinke was pitching. If you would’ve saw him pitch yesterday, you’d wonder exactly how he was found to have the fantasy dominant gene.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers. Looks like the timetable for a limp-off homer is only 27 months.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 13th homer. Fantasy has completely bastardized any team allegiances I might have, but I really hope the Pirates win the World Series. That is all.
Joel Hanrahan – With the Kimbrel for his 33rd save.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Natch so fast!
Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. For Kemp’s homer, Scully flashed his gang sign.
Eric Hosmer – 0-for-3. I think I’m gonna start calling him, “Ho-hum,” which is also a command Ice Cube uses.
Ben Revere - 0-for-4 as his hitting streak ended at 21. Southies throughout Boston were sad to hear that until they saw his picture.
Brett Jackson – 2-for-11 with 8 Ks since he was called up, and yesterday he didn’t play. I’m giving him a little bit more rope, but this time of year I don’t have much patience. I’d much rather see an 0-for-3 than a DNP. Let me hope for something, at least!
Clayton Richard – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hodgepadre meet Stream-o-Nator, Stream-o-Nator meet Hodgepadre. Stream-o-Nator, I said meet, not eat. Get Clayton Richard’s leg out of your mouth.
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with a homer. Now hitting near .5oo in the last week in the leadoff spot. I smell a hot schmotato.
Giancarlo Stanton – 4-for-5, 2, runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. If you put ERMAHGERD…ERMAHGERD…ERMAHGERD into an ERMAHGERD Translator, it spits back at you Giancarlo Stanton.
Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks. Now has five straight games with less than 100 pitches and hasn’t gone higher than 103 all year. Is this guy coming off some major surgery that I don’t know about? Are they getting him ready for his inevitable long relief role in the majors? Do I need to Ask Jeeves circa 1998?
Jose Reyes – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam & legs. Average is now up to .288. .012 more and he can concoct a mysterious ailment and sit out the rest of the year. Does he still have his hair dyed orange? I call that gingervitis.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4 and a steal. Member about two seconds ago I said I was giving Brett Jackson a little bit more rope? Yeah, I think I screwed up by dropping Ruggiano for Jackson, so I did a do-over and lost Jackson for him. Hey, I said I’d give Jackson a little bit more rope, I didn’t say how much was a “little.”
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games and hitting .252. With 68 RBIs, 13 homers and 9 steals on the year, he’s actually been valuable, even if he feels yawnstipating.
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, to go along with his 34 RBIs and .212 average. Wow, that’s so terrible that that ‘terrible’ gets car sick can’t find a barf bag and vomits on top of ‘awful.’
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last 3 games. Sparkakis!
Anibal Sanchez – 3 IP, 7 ER. Well, it’s been fun, it’s been real (I think), but it hasn’t been real fun. I dropped Anibal in a 12 team mixed league prior to this start since I knew I wouldn’t have started him anyway. He might have some good matchups left in him, but there’s hardly any time left and I can find decent matchups off waivers. Sounding like Lurch, “You rang?” That’s the Stream-o-Nator. In related news, I can’t wait for the “Verlander shutout, 15 to 12 Game 2, 12 to 9 Game 3, Verlander shutout” Tigers-Yanks series in the playoffs.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 30th homer. He’s now hitting .244. Still too close to call if he was overrated in the preseason. If he goes 0-for-30 and is hitting .228 at season’s end with 80 RBIs, I don’t think that’s a success.
Dan Uggla – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and now hitting .218. This was his 2nd three hit game since June 6th and his first since you finally gave up hope and dropped him from your fantasy team.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now has three straight quality starts and he gets the Mariners in Safeco next. Yes, please and thank you.
Rafael Furcal – Out a few days after he got an injection in his back. Finally, Mark McGwire’s expertise comes in handy!
Cody Ross – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Because he’s been struggling against righties, he platooned into yesterday’s game against the lefty, Harrison. This just about kills Ross’s value, and Ross is known for value and a weird section of picture frames that look like they’re from the 70′s and all it ever makes me think of is, “What do these picture frame models look like now?” I’m guessing unattractive with less feathered hair.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-3 with his 2nd straight game with a homer. His Tuesday homer was a pinch-hit homer as he was replacing Nick Punto at 3rd base. Yeah, Bobby Valentine was playing Punto over Middlebrooks. It’s a choice between punting defense or Punto’ing offense.
Josh Beckett - 5 IP, 8 ER. Now at 4.97 ERA. I think Godot will arrive before Beckett’s resurgence.
Adrian Gonzalez - 3-for-5 with 3 Runs, 3 RBIs, and 3….doubles. Almost an epic line but the lack of a Homer made me ill(iad).