Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation? Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese. Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are. Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts. So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network. Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask. Because Selig is a f*cking idiot. That asterisk is a U, by the way. In case that wasn’t clear. Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans. Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play. Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn? Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues. They’re all fair game. If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters. From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller…. They’re definitely smaller than O.co and Safeco. I already grabbed Smoak in one league. If I saw Pennington and I had room, I’d get me some. Kurt Suzuki? What the hey! Seth Smith? Do it! Mike Carp, or as the Japanese say “Mike Sashimi,” grab him! Middle relievers or the starters for the 2nd game, Vargas and Colon, are fair game, too. Don’t drop anyone that is obviously valuable for your team just for a two game series that you can’t even watch because it’s four hours before dawn on the West Coast! But I’ll take any leg up on my competition because, remember, a leg up on the competition means you’re urinating on them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Justin Smoak – Did he hit a home run this morning? I hope so, but I’m writing this prior to 3 AM Pacific Standard Time so I have no clue. Once again, eff Bud Selig.
Mat Latos – Left yesterday’s start with a mild calf strain. Latos said, “I don’t know the layman’s terms of what’s going on but I’m fine.” Isn’t that layman’s terms? Latos said he’d make his next scheduled start. I own Latos all over the place this year, and I’m not concerned. It’s not an arm injury; he should be fine, or however they say it in layman’s terms. Dusty’s Toothpick said, “Dusty and I plan on stretching Latos’s calf out on a medieval rack. He’ll be good as new,” then Dusty’s Toothpick stroked his white cat.
Sean Marshall – Dusty is saying that he might choose to go with the dreaded closerousel, right after I went over all of the fantasy baseball closers. Actually, I think this is a non-story. The only thing that could happen is Marshall falters in April and someone else steps up. Otherwise, Dusty will be all over Sean Marshall like Russell Brand was all over Sarah Marshall.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Optioned to the minors. Well, my last round grab in one league is already gone as the Indians went with Jack Hannahan. Maybe he threatened them with a liger.
Miguel Cabrera – Team doctors cleared him to get back to action and he should be fine for Opening Day. This is a happy day for Miggy owners. Miggy, “Is a happy day like a happy hour for twenty-four straight hours?”
Marlon Byrd – Nats and Braves have expressed interest. They are going for Marlon Byrd after striking out in signing his more talented brothers, Damon and Keenen Ivory Byrd.
Nolan Arenado - Casey Blake did not make the club with them opting for a blahtoon of Chris Nelson and Jordan Pacheco until Nolan Arenado is ready. This is surprising to me. Just yesterday I put up the 2012 fantasy baseball rookies post and left off Nolan Arenado because I didn’t think he had a legitimate chance for good playing time this year before midseason, but now I’m thinking we might see him as early as June 1st. If you’re not familiar with Nolan Arenado (BTW, his name only sounds right to me when you say the whole thing like Bobby Fischer or Mr. T), he won the AFL MVP (My acronyms got awards, snitches!). AFL line was .388/.423/.636 in 121 ABs with 6 homers to go along with his 2011 minor league line of .298/.349/.487 and 20 homers and 122 RBIs in 517 ABs. His minor league numbers were actually put up in a park that reduces home run numbers too. Now that I’ve tempted you by the fruit of his booms get a load of this –> He’s a 3rd baseman who will be playing his home games in Coors Field! Hello, beautiful, it’s good to see you. You are so not Ian Stewart. That flake. See, Nolan Arenado doesn’t strike out like a Donkey, Mini, Mini Mini or otherwise. He walks. He walks, you sexy beast! Also, screw you, Garrett Atkins! Go back to being a subject of the TV show, Whatever Happened to Garrett Atkins? Something that wasn’t mentioned during my effusiveness (that’s a real word! (I think)) is those minor league numbers were in High-A. He needs to see Double-A pitching, unless he’s a cyborg and he kills all pitching like Reggie wanted to kill the Queen. In redraft leagues for right now, it’s too early to pick him up or draft him, but, what can I say, Rockies get me excited or exited if C’s scare you because of too many games of Words With Friends. Now in keepers or dynasty leagues, I’d make sure to grab him later on for cheap when you’re filling out your bench.
Jordan Pacheco – Hey, his name sounds familiar… Oh, I just mentioned him. Yeah, he’s in the Rockies 3rd base blahtoon. He’s not much to talk about right now — so why do I keep talking about him?! Well, he has catcher eligibility in some leagues, so those in deep 2 catcher leagues, he could be a play.
Nolan Reimold – Blue Jays recently inquired about Reimold. I guess six outfielders/DHs isn’t enough. Maybe Reimold can keep company with my other post-hype-I-keep-calling-him-a-sleeper-but-when-is-it-happening Travis Snider.
Jerry Sands – Dodgers sent him packing to the minors, opting for Juan Rivera. The last time a Rivera replaced a Sands, they needed six bulldozers and permission from Bugsy Siegel. Colletti was probably enamored with Rivera’s one good month last year, which was a Mirage. I think it’ll turn out for everyone that this is a no Wynn.
Elvis Andrus – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hip. Rangers said he’d be fine by Thursday. Or, he’s too hip to be impaired, if you’re into Huey Lewis.
Scott Podsednik – Looking like a better bet to get a roster spot than Juan Pierre. He’s hitting .362 and yesterday he homered off the bench. I wonder who was pitching for the ball to go into the dugout so he could homer off the bench. Is Oliver Perez back in baseball?
Brent Morel – Hit a homer yesterday, which is whatever, but I just wanted to remind people about my Brent Morel sleeper post. I wrote it while washing my undercarriage.
Curtis Granderson – Was scratched with elbow soreness. I’m usually scratched with elbow itchiness. The Yankees don’t seem concerned, but they are sending him for an MRI. For those that didn’t listen to my Curtis Granderson overrated post, prepare for me to be gleeful if his injury is serious.
Wade Davis – Will head to the bullpen with Jeff Niemann going into the 5th starter spot. I’m not a fan of either guy, so this is whatever for fantasy, but I did notice an interesting resemblance with Jeff Niemann and this guy.
Mike Aviles – Red Sox announced he would be their starting shortstop. No surprise here; they just made it official by optioning down Iglesias, who would be a non-factor anyway for 12-team leagues unless you count UZR as a statistic.
Jack Cust – Released by the Astros. When pressed for comment, Jack cussed. He was a three outcome pickup – awful starter, mediocre bench pickup, or preseason cut. Cust kayin’.