And we have our first Disgraceful List of the season and the season hasn’t even started yet (really). I hate to say I told you so, so (stutterer!) instead, I’ll just quote the relevant text from earlier this preseason, “(Michael Pineda) is young so there’s plenty of time to see how well he adjusts. For now, I’m going to let someone else take the chance on him. What it really comes down to is it’s not very difficult to find solid starters, so there’s no reason to take unnecessary risk.” And that’s me quoting me! Zadow! I feel like I’ve exorcised a demon when I tell you to avoid someone and they bust. (Oh, and Rudy told you to avoid him too at his risky pitchers post.) It makes me feel so good. Schadenfreude! Can you feel my excitement? You know those struggling artists from touristy beach towns that draw caricatures in coal? I’m gonna hire one of them and one of those skywriting airplanes and have them draw a giant mustache in the sky above your house. I might also have the pilot wear a burlap sack. Why? Cause it’s a crazy person mocking you, that makes it even worse! Now, if you ignored our advice and drafted him, this was actually the best case scenario, because now you can DL him, before it looked like you were just gonna have to watch him in the minors while on your bench. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Andrew Bailey – Even with bad news, the Red Sox won’t accept being upstaged by the Yankees. Bailey hurts thumb, gives fantasy owners the finger. The injury could force him to the DL to start the season. Oh, won’t you stay healthy Andrew Bailey, Andrew Bailey? “Is it me or is this the news once a month for him, “Andrew Bailey has been cleared to start throwing.” Hey, Bailey, throw already!” That’s me quoting me from last year! It’s same shizz different day/month/year with Bailey. It was announced that the Sawx would turn to Aceves first if (when?) Bailey hits the DL. Then Bobby Valentine made a wrap sandwich, because he invented them and likes to talk about that.
Daniel Bard – Ended up being named the Sawx’s fifth stahter as he was Bard from the bullpen. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d be very cautious about trusting him. He’s a bit allergic to throwing strikes and by the fifth inning Valentine may bee pollen him. Take it, Highlights Magazine, it’s yours!
Juan Francisco – Was traded to the Braves to “temporarily” fill-in for Glass Chipper. In the offseason, I said I wanted to take off my Zubaz and wear all the Reds rookies (Cozart, Francisco and Mesoraco) as pants. Then I went caca-cuckoo for Cozart and Mesoraco for the next three months, but left Francisco alone because Dusty wasn’t going to play him. Well, guess what, over-the-Internet friend, Francisco just got himself some playing time! He has power to spare. Last year, he hit a ball out of The Great American Ball Park going about 500 feet. He’s also seen very few pitches he doesn’t like. If Chipper stays on his usual 180-day DL, and Francisco hits… Well, this won’t be the last time I talk about him. He could hit 25+ homers.
Ted Lilly – Will start the year on the DL. He could return to the Dodgers as soon as April 15th. We’ll see if by then the Dodgers are meeting at half court and kissing the opposing players on the cheek prior to games.
Allen Craig – To the DL. I wonder if he ever gets confused on government documents when he has to put his last name first.
Chris Carpenter – To the DL. You can backdate this three weeks. No word on its expiration date. I’m guessing we’ll see him sometime in June for a start or two then the issue will resurface.
Troy Tulowitzki – X-rays came back clean after he was beaned on the elbow by his ex-teammate Ubaldo Jimenez, which Tulo claimed was intentional. Sounds like they’re having a hard time putting behind them their *pinkie to mouth* Rockie relationship.
Wilin Rosario – 81, 97 and 91 aren’t the three highest IQs of Jersey Shore castmates. It’s the number of games Ramon Hernadez has played the last three years. Wilin hit 21 homers last year in Double-A and now he’s backing up Ramon. In 2 catcher leagues, I’d go ahead and add him in the landmark case of sooner vs later.
R.A. Dickey – After he was spiked on Saturday, Dickey needed two stitches, but Dickey was seen telling girls he needed 8 stitches.
Tim Stauffer – Has been nursing a mild triceps injury. (Or is that tricep? Is it just a onecep?) Could bump him back a week or so before his first start.
Michael Morse – To the DL. Dot, dot, damn.
Mike Trout – Was optioned to the minors. Unless the Halos reacquire Kotchman and he gives the entire team mono, we’re not gonna see much of Trout until much later in the season.
Scott Baker – To the DL. Baker said, “I’d love to start the home opener; it’s just not wise.” Then Pringles dropped him from their endorsement contract.
Josh Hamilton – Has groin tightness and could sit out the rest of spring training so he can go when the season starts, then have this flare up again five or six more times during the season. Sorry to use “flare up” and “groin” in the same sentence.
Wade LeBlanc – Marlins optioned him to Triple-A. He’s hoping to resurface playing a funnier version of himself.
Kyle Weiland – Earned a spot in the Astros rotation. And what did you do this weekend, Eddie Vedder’s brother?! Huh?! Our prospect writer, Scott, wrote, “Weiland profiles as a back-of-the-rotation starter. He had his chance at the big league level last year, where in five appearances he posted an ugly 6.55 FIP. He throws a low 90’s fastball along with a cutter, a curve and a changeup. I wouldn’t mind seeing him throw one of those fastballs at Grey’s head.” Hey, I didn’t remember reading that!
Livan Hernandez – He was released by the Astros, then two hours later showed up at the Braves training complex, and signed on to be a long man/spot starter. The Astros only train about 20 minutes from the Braves, but it took 2 hours? Hmm, sounds like Livan drives about as fast as he throws.