Derek Jeter returned and went 1-for-4 with an RBI, run scored and left with a strained quad. I’m not even joking about the injury. The Yankees should just travel with an MRI machine. Didja know 100% of the babies born in the tri-state area between 1992-2013 have a 98.7% chance of having Jeter as their dad? I know, it’s not easy to look at your dad like this, but he’s old. He’s not the same Pops who used to get drunk and tell you to sit in the closet while he hand feed your mother In N Out. This is a different father. This father of yours has the appeal of an old Prado and I’d rather be a suitcase than an old bag like you. In a full season, you might, maybe, possibly get ten homers and ten steals. In less than half a season, your dad could be replaced by, say, Nick Franklin. Mom might think it’s weird, but it’s true. I’d own Jeter if I needed an MI, but if you can use him as a sweetener in a trade then Splenda! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erasmo Ramirez – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. So my double start of him and Ryan Dempster (3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks) didn’t go exactly as planned, which is like saying the invasion of Russia by Napoleon didn’t go that smoothly. It’s like saying Tom Cruise’s furniture hopping wasn’t his best move. It’s like saying WHY CAN’T I STREAM ANYONE WITHOUT IT BLOWING UP IN MY FACE?! The Mariners looked listless against Doubront, then Dempster can’t get out of the 4th inning? Are you kidding me? I realized Erasmo was a risk vs. the Red Sox, but Furbush had to come in and let in inherited runs, too? Ugh, so, this wasn’t the outcome I was looking for, but I’m holding Erasmo for another start or two. He should get the Astros and Twins on the other side of the break.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. It was a leadoff home run off Erasmo, and I’d like to say it was downhill after that, but it wasn’t and I can’t stop thinking about Erasmo and when will the pain end?
Kyle Seager – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .289. And this homer helped Erasmo get back in the game, and I thought he was going to cruise to a victory with some unearned runs coming against Dempster, and Erasmo looking fine, then I went to the chiropractor, and ran into a guy who I thought I knew but wasn’t sure where from, so I went up to read the sign-in sheet, which might’ve been a breach of doctor-patient privilege, and I saw his name was Chris Bauer, and I was like, “Chris Bauer, that doesn’t sound familiar at all,” and then I Googled him and I saw it was Frank Sobotka (!) and I was like, “I guess being a stevedore is tough on the back,” and he smiled awkwardly and tried not to make eye contact with me. Why, Erasmo, why?!
Brad Miller – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he continues to hit leadoff. You can wait until he’s mentioned again in this afternoon’s Buy, or just pick him up now. It’s your choice or the aliens who are shaking us around in their giant snow globe.
Ryan Vogelsong – Threw a bullpen session yesterday. Meanwhile, Bernie Taupin admitted Vogelsong wasn’t his best work.
Brad Ziegler – Diamondbacks announced they would be going to the dreaded closer-by-committee. This move leaves me sideways….I am not drinking any f**king Merlot! On one hand, I really need Bell’s saves. On the other hand, Bell is a Pez dispenser for runs. Every time he nods to the catcher agreeing on the pitch, he gives up runs. On a third hand that is actually a Hulkamania over-sized foam hand, the Diamondbacks will be trading for a closer soon anyway. Ziegler got the save yesterday, and I dropped Bell everywhere and grabbed Ziegler. Hey, sometimes the first guy to run with the job, gets the job. Think Mujica in St. Louie.
Wade Miley – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stream-o-Nator didn’t mind this start coming into the game, but liked Erasmo even better, so I’d be careful how loud you toot your own horn Stream-o-Nator. SON, “I wish I could toot my own horn, I wouldn’t need to pay for escorts.”
Trevor Cahill – Could be out until August. August Grey didn’t return my calls about Cahill, but I’m waiting by the phone for info.
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 8 ER. What’s the matter, Ervin, no more *pinkie to mouth* magic? About friggin’ time this guy got hit. All hail the Regression Fairies when they’re not working against me. May your green wings and psychedelic colors never be confused with the absinthe fairy.
Carlos Martinez – Called up to work in the bullpen. He’ll have value as a middle reliever and this is the same reason I grabbed Sonny Gray. Yes, I also grabbed Gray because it’s sex with someone I love. Martinez could be a starter at some point, but for this year it doesn’t seem in the Cards (pun point!).
Matt Holliday – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain. Too bad, so sad. Grab Matt Adams right now! Don’t stop at Go, do not collect $200, do not feed Matt Adams after midnight; he’s on strict diet. Just grab him. Use two hands and bend at the knees.
Carlos Torres – Will take over for Marcum in the rotation. He’s been a starter in the minors and didn’t have the best results, so I’d hold off outside of NL-Only leagues. In Metco, he’ll probably have streamer value, but Whitey Ford would have streamer value in Metco, and he’s 84 years old.
Josh Phegley – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer this week. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. It’s a doozy to end all doozies! It’s the ultimate doozy. Its doozy takes a dump and that doozy doesn’t flush properly!
Alejandro De Aza – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. He’s giving the same season as Desmond Jennings. I have no idea if that’s a compliment or an insult. I think it’s a compliment. Or maybe it’s a complement. Or a complimint. Or an accomplishment. Okay, I’ll stop now.
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-5, 1 run. No idea where I heard his name before? Have I mentioned him every day this week? Checking notes? Nope, not me, but Ling-Ling and his 99 monkey friends have written some of these blurbs. “Give me bananas!” “No, Ling Ling!” “It’s with a hyphen!” “You’re the one writing this!” Sorry about that.
Alexei Ramirez – Day-to-day with a leg cramp. In Ted Kennedy’s voice by way of Mayor Quimby, “Al-Ra, there’s a town ordinance against leg cramping, Al-Ra.”
Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. His ERA is still at 2.93, but he hasn’t looked as dominant since his shoulder concerns, failing to get out of the 6th inning for two straight starts. Maybe the break will do him some good. Or at least the break will be better for him than most guys with the nickname Anabolic.
Matt Tuiasosopo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer and 4th homer in the last five games. He won’t start today, but the Hitter-Tron likes him over the weekend against two lefties. Hitter-Tron says, “That back-to-back action is better then when I pushed the washing machine against the ice maker.”
Victor Martinez – 3-for-4, 1 run. Holiday shoppers, there’s an extended run at V-Mart. For the last week, we’ve been giving away hits, counting stats and Little Caesars pizza that will almost certainly give you botulism.
Wil Myers – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, hitting .277 with 3 homers. It’s silly to prorate 20-something games over a 162-game season, but let’s be silly! He’s near a 25-homer pace. Good luck drafting him next year without reaching into the top 8 rounds of a 12-team draft. Then the following year it’ll be good luck drafting him outside of the top 3 rounds. Then the year after it’ll be “Why is Wil Myers so disappointing?” Then the year after it’ll be, “Hey, Wil Myers, chance for a bounce back?” Then–Well, you get the picture.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. We’re halfway there! Only 18 more to go.
Matt Moore – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. I think Moore is slightly better than Samardzija, but he’s a good example. Five starts ago you weren’t sure Moore was worth owning with his 4.13 ERA and now he’s got a 3.44 ERA and five straight quality starts. You need to be patient with your guys, young Jedi. I only say that because you’re wearing those hairy ears. Oh, those aren’t part of a costume? My bad!
Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. So, this was the rookie I was supposed to be starting yesterday? Pretty dazzling debut by the Indians 23-year-old as he took a no-hitter into the 6th inning. His breaking ball might need some work, but his fastball and changeup looked major league ready. His numbers are fantastic at Triple-A too — 10+ K-rate, under-3 BB/9 and a 3.40 ERA. I’d be all over Salazar if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s supposedly going back to Columbus. Am I the only one who sees the irony in that the Indians kill their chances by sending people to Columbus?
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Not quite pitching like Willy Nil Runs from last year, but hard to completely argue with a quality start. I can try though, if you like.
Rajai Davis – 0-for-3 and a steal. “The King of SAGNOF doesn’t need a hit to steal a base. I’m bestowed steals while I sit on the throne. What, Leonys? No, I don’t mean throne as a euphemism for toilet. Be gone before I promote Engel Beltre to Queen of SAGNOF!”
Mat Latos – 4 IP, 6 ER. Yesterday was get-away day across the major leagues. As in, get away from all pitchers I own. I used to have a flimsy theory that it was better to stream on Thursdays because there were day games after night games and hitters were already mentally checked out of their current city, anticipating a night of travel. Well, it’s now two of the past three Thursdays my teams have been bombed, so my theory holds water like the Titanic.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th steal. *covering up the right side of the box score* I’m guessing he was facing a righty. *moving hand* Yup! Choo’s splits are insane, over-the-internet friend. He’s hitting .335 vs. righties. Guess how much against lefties. Nope, lower. Keep going. Lower still. Okay, I’ll just tell you…. .165! Yikes. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point very soon in his career he’s platooned.
Jason Heyward – Might be headed to the DL after hurting his hammy on a slide into third. Great, terrific, sarcasm, Heyward Jablowme seems more apt.
Evan Gattis – Will begin a rehab assignment on Friday. Well, sounds like they have an opening in their outfield. See 1/8th of an inch above.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He’s been slowly climbing my top 100 for the 2nd half that will be published next week. Right now, I believe he’s in the 40’s.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs. Everything really starts clicking for the Braves when Upton is hitting. That’s not B.J. Upton, he’s a lost cause. You know how players spit out sunflower seeds and swat them with their hand as they’re falling? B.J.’s cleats are littered with spit-out shells. Right now, David Sunflower Seeds is working on a commercial filming B.J.’s cleats. “One just fell on his laces, get a close up!” That’s the commercial director.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Cards. Even if you were expecting him to bounce back like I have been, you likely weren’t starting him here. That’s the good/bad news. The bad/good news is he might be going to the Rockies or the Diamondbacks next time out. Good/bad news + bad/good news = Itzhak Perlman. Wow, my math was way off there. Was supposed to equal you can hold Jackson for now, but I wouldn’t start him the next time out.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Maybe this will be the start of something, unlike the last time it seemed like the start of something but was the start of yet another cold streak.
Kensuke Tanaka – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1 steal. Get him on the All-Star team!
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. If it said this was his 1st homer in the box score, I honestly wouldn’t have blinked an eye. I mean, I would’ve eventually, but not over his lack of power so far this year. I can’t remember the last time he hit a long ball. Was it May? Okay, I’m gonna cheat and look. It was May. Wow.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, 3.02 ERA. His ERA is probably even better on your team because his one big defeat came in Coors. If you started him there, then Bummergarner.
Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Seemed to rush back from his DL stint, but when you have to fit 5 DL stints in one season, there’s no time to waste.
Miguel Gonzalez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s not even a Clohse since he doesn’t keep his walks in check, or procházka if in Czech. He does have a 3.48 ERA and 6 straight quality starts so he’s on a pumpernickel. I mean, on a roll.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3 and another homer. He has an outside chance at 200 homers by the All-Star break.
Ross Wolf – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. The Wolfman did his thing, where you at Team Edward?
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, 3.75 ERA. I’ve carved up a thing or two with this melon ball before, but he’s fine as a streamer here and there, just lacks any Ks for your standard every-time-out starter in most mixed leagues.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and out after 79 pitches. Who is Davey Johnson? The anti-Dusty? Allow a bunt single in the first, “Sorry, kid, hit the showers!” Good thing Zimmermann usually throws shutouts or, after his 19th start today, he’d have only 19 innings pitched. “C’mon, Coach, let me finish the at-bat.” “Sorry, kid, you don’t have it today.” “But it’s only a 2-1 count on the first hitter of the game.” “Too late, grab pine, meat!” Oh, wait, Zimmermann left because of a sore neck. Probably from Davey’s quick hook!
Ryan Braun – Placed on the bereavement list. He’ll be attending the funeral of his career.