The Yankees are the movie Family Plot with hot, upcoming stars Bruce Dern, William Devane, and Karen Black. Alfred Hitchcock is the master suspense and this is his greatest movie about a man obsessed with a blonde since ever! The Yankees are Tupac’s last posthumously released album featuring Papoose, Lil’ Scrappy and Big Syke. Hear what Tupac never wanted you to hear in a way he never meant for you to hear it ever! The Yankees are the leftover stuffing from your 2010 Thanksgiving that you ate then pooped into a Tupperware container and decided to see what it would be like in two years in your freezer. They are so done that done called and said, “Nuh-uh, don’t be comparing me to them or we’re done.” Add Derek Jeter to the list of the Yankees MASH unit that are wearing fatigues. It’s now being reported Jeter could miss a big part of April. He won’t appear in a minor league game until next week and Cashman said Jeter needs to play in back-to-back games for nine innings before being activated. Jeter can’t even play in a few innings per week, let alone back-to-back nine-inning games. I think the next guy to come down with an ailment is Cashman, as he tries to move to another team that is on the precipice of greatness. “Arte, I like what you did with Trout, Pujols and Hamilton, have you thought about spending $350 million on Miggy?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Phil Hughes – Will begin season on the DL. When it was originally announced that he was injured, it sounded much worse and I dropped him out of a favorable pitching tier. Knowing what I know now, I probably would’ve left his ranking and projections alone. He looks like he’ll only miss one start and will be fine to pitch as early as April 11th. I’m not going to move him back at this late in the game. I’m no flimflamming flip-flopper (say that fast 457 times!). Honestly, I don’t regret not drafting him. He could be fine but the Yankees look like a worse reclamation project than Jeff Luhnow inherited.
Justin Turner – Left yesterday’s game with a strained calf. I was looking at the Mets lineup yesterday, and, well, the new Mets are the same as that old mess. It’s not gonna be a good year for baseball in New York. The scariest part is the Mets are dealing with infield injuries, so what’s the excuse for Marlon Byrd being a starting outfielder? Valdespin has nice potential, but he’s platooning? There’s hope for Cowgill or Nieuwenswedenhuis, but Byrd? Only time I want to see Byrd on the field for the Mets is if the Mets hire Paul Byrd as their pitching coach so their jerseys read Ma. Byrd and Pa. Byrd.
Evan Gattis – Earned the backup catcher job in Atlanta. Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer, said, “It seems kinda crazy for me to be ranking a 26-year-old (6th overall for Braves prospects), but Gattis has done enough over the past year to convince me that he’s the top bat in this system. After destroying Carolina League pitching to the tune of a 1.289 OPS, he stepped up to Double-A where he managed a .865 OPS. Gattis spent the winter playing in the Venezuelan League and continued mashing: .303/.365/.595 with 16 HR in 211 PA. Meanwhile, I spent my winter playing with my Grey voodoo doll. Hot foot!” No wonder why I thought I had gonorrhea on my foot all winter! Man, I gotta read these posts better. Gattis looks like he has nice power, but right now he’s stuck platooning with Laird, and will eventually be behind McCann. For now, he’s a decent last round flyer for two-catcher leagues.
Andrew Cashner – Sadly, the Padres have no self-esteem and don’t want to be better, so Cashner may not make the rotation. Right now, Tyson Ross is in the lead for the last rotation spot. Maybe the San Diego Chicken had something to do with this because I hear he’s related to Tyson.
Jeff Locke – Won the 5th starter job on the Pirates. Locke is the Smoke Monster, as in if you draft him you must be smoking some monster spliff.
Blake Beavan – The Mariners were asked what they were going to do with the 5th starter spot and they said, “We’re gonna leave it to the Beavan!”
Michael Morse – Went deep for the 8th time this spring. That matches Brandon Belt for the most in Spring Training. I’m thinking of bumping them both up to between Ryan Braun and Mike Trout. That link takes you to my theory, “You can put a bowl of crap in one hand and spring training stats in the other and see which one weighs more.” Man, I should write greeting cards.
Alexei Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game after being plunked by a pitch. Eric Plunk, “You owe me a nickel.” Alexei has a bruised shoulder, which isn’t nearly as delicious as a braised shoulder. He says he should be ready for Opening Day.
Vance Worley – Will be the Twins Opening Day starter. The Twins said, “Well, we gotta start someone.” Kidding. Sorta. The Twins CTRL + F for the word “ugly” and they find their staff, but I do like Worley. In moderation. Don’t go crazy with yourself.
Willie Bloomquist – To the DL with a strained oblique. Appropriate since you can’t spell oblique without Willie Bloomquist.
A.J. Burnett – Announced this may be his swan song. He said, “My kids are 9 and 12 now. I’m sure if I mention retiring to them, they’d say, ‘No, keep playing….” When his kids were pressed for an explanation, they noted that, “He has all the skills to be a great father, but it’s just so frustrating that he never reaches his full potential.”