What’s the mood, doode? How ya’ feelin’? Why is it all real G’s drop their G’s on their gerunds? G-dropping as non-G’s call it. That keeps me up at night. Failing to rank at first Tyson Ross in my top 100 starters doesn’t. It was a mistake on my part, and I corrected it before we got out of February. I ranked him. Snafu less afu’d than it could’ve been. I still probably didn’t rank him high enough. They have no award for that. Trophies, trophies. This is like Gangsta Deep Thoughts on Def Poetry Jam. Stop me from going up like a crescendo. This is not a love song. This is “What Tyson Ross has done so far this year” song. That is not as catchy. They don’t play that on KDay. His ERA is at 2.93 after a complete game shutout where he struck out 9 and only allowed 3 baserunners. His K-rate is 8.6, walk rate is 3.2 and xFIP is 3.16. Clap, pause for a sip of Olde E, clap. I paused for a sip of the brew on his walk rate, if you’re uptake is slow. His away ERA is 4.18. Well, you had me convinced you were more than a Hodgepadre there for a moment. Nice trick, Copperfield. Ross is owned in 51% of ESPN leagues, which is stoopid, but since I only own 12,000 ESPN teams to collect some software. Virtual trophies, virtual trophies. I can only do so much. Yes, he should be owned, but he’s a lot safer in Petco. No dur. And I bow. And I just hit my head on my desk. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Everth Cabrera – To the DL. Guess the Padres didn’t want to waste any time calling up Nadir Bupkis. He’s got a solid bat when compared to other Padres prospects, but he’s also 34 years old. On a serious note, I know Rudy doesn’t harbor all wrongs that other people do to him like I do, but little does he or you know that I harbor wrongs done to him too. There was a crackerjack assortment of voices in the preseason badmouthing his projections and ranking of Everth. They kept saying it was way too low. Those people *fingers to mouth like Keyser Soze* poof, gone.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and first for the Royals. Well, first homer for the Royals in eleven years. Last time Ibanez hit a home run for the Royals I sent a text from my Motorola flip phone to Rudy saying, “Ibanez sounds like an Apple product that lets you listen to music from a Mexican restaurant’s bathroom.”
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 13th steal. The Court Jester of SAGNOF! Don’t let his raggedy old, oversized jacket and painted on sad face fool you, Dyson brings join everywhere he goes. As long as you’re not waiting on him to pick up his hat. Stop kicking it already!
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Twins, lowering his ERA to 3.32. Solid matchup to stream Vargas yesterday, but the Stream-o-Nator‘s kinda meh on his next start vs. the Rays. But I’d raise that meh to an ‘it’s okay’ and go for it if I needed it.
Victor Martinez – Out again Wednesday. Damn, the Zombino is having trouble getting out of his dirt casket in the morning.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the A’s. Not bad, but just about as boring of a start you can get for a win. I’ll say he got the Yawin. Portmanteau, ftw!
Torii Hunter – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs. First multi-hit game since he battled hamstring issues. He’s been pretty middling this year, but maybe with V-Mart sidelined, there was some extra brain custard in the fridge for Torii to chomp on and get his Zombino going.
Jesse Chavez – 5 IP, 5 ER. I could’ve sworn the Regression Fairies already had a go at Chavez. You know if you experiment with the Regression Fairies enough, you’re not really experimenting anymore. Cust kayin’.
Khris Davis – Expected back Friday. I didn’t win the $435 million Powerball, but this is a close second on the prayer scale.
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, raising his ERA to 3.35. Don’t really love Peralta. His K-rate is pretty Porcelloian and his walk rate isn’t as purdy, then throw in the long balls he coughs up like he’s a nurse in an old age home that is on hernia duty, and it’s not great.
Juan Francisco – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. It’s been an Urban Dictionary minute (which is actually a long time) since Francisco hit a homer, but he usually gets them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana so there’s that.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He makes me drool a little every time I write his name, then again, I’m typing with my tongue. What, weird?
Jordy Mercer – 3-for-3, 1 run. He cooled off pretty dramatically since his hot schmotato run about ten days ago, and he’s batting eighth in front of the pitcher. Take two and pass.
Mike Olt – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Real shame that he can’t get everyday playing time. I mean, it’s the Cubs. You’d think they’d give him a shot. I get that he’s a llama, but he’s young and do the Cubs really need to see what Luis Valbuena can do? A shame, isn’t it? Not a shame, a problem, Ghetto Bastard.
Justin Ruggiano – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Cubs ain’t gonna get a lot of hot schmotato love as long as they’re platooning their entire team. A’s platooning makes sense, they’re contending. Cubs platooning is just baffling. Never gonna get any feel for their players if they bench them every other game. Okay, I’m getting a nose bleed being up on this soap box, gonna get down now.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Member how I said two days that he still had a lot of homers left in his bat for the year? Okay, you don’t need to remember. Just grab him.
Darwin Barney – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. The Purple Evolutionist! Yeah, basically everyone on the Cubs had multiple hits.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Aw sookie Mookie now! I said aw sookie Mookie now! We really should have a video clip of Dusty Baker, sucking on his toothpick, then removing it to say, “Aw, sookie Mookie now!” That would make my life. Wrap up this party, Cougs, my life is complete!
Brock Holt – 3-for-6, 2 runs, hitting .322 on the year. He’s not walking multiple times in a game but he’s been prettttay prettttay good.
Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks and the save. Got the save yesterday for the Rays because he showed an elderly person how to turn their iPhone camera around so they could take a selfie.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, also with the Yawin, raising his ERA to 4.18. He would’ve stayed in for the Quality Start but Maddon didn’t like how Odorizzi sent an email to his entire team and didn’t BCC everyone. Don’t Reply All unless you want the wrath of Grey!
Ben Zobrist – 3-for-5, 1 run. Seems like Zo is having a hard time putting together an extended hot streak, but maybe if we form a prayer hexagon we can change that.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-5, 2 runs. Two words: Hot schmotato. Three words: He is hot. Four words: For serious, doode, c’mon. Five words: What, you don’t like hot? Six words: Hump me while playing R. Kelly. Seven words: I thought last one was “Sex words.”
Brett Gardner – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .288 and 15 steals on the year. Okay, so I love him. Leave me alone. He’s having a quietly productive season! What can I say? I like modesty in my ballplayers. And I say ballplayers like I’m an 85-year-old man.
Brian McCann – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .224, which is as bleh as it sounds. I just wanted to point out that he hit third with Ellsbury out of the lineup for being “beat up.” Talk about a team’s lineup collapsing when one guy is out. Yikes. In this game, McCann and Guyer were the two three-hole hitters. Together, they couldn’t even McGuyer a Swiss Army knife out of two blades and a can opener.
Chris Tillman – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. Had it been three starts since Tillman did a Little Doo Doo Man start? Must’ve been.
Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Pacman making it rain!
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. He’s been so yawnstipating to own this year. Oh well, Siri, set an iCal reminder for a Leonys sleeper post for 2015. “Sorry, Grey, there are no Linus sleeping posters in your area.”
Adam Wainwright – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K. One strikeout? Did Porcello sneeze on him?
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.29. Aren’t you glad you didn’t sell him high in April? You did? Oh, poo.
Jordan Walden – 1 IP, 0 ER. Got the save because Kimbrel had gone three days in a row. There should be a glossary term for that panic that washes over you when your closer doesn’t come in for the save, only to realize he had gone three days in a row. Please suggest in the comments.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. Hasn’t done a whole lot power or speed-wise and won’t, but he has been swinging a bit of a hot bat recently. Lukewarm schmotato!
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 22nd steal. He was finally moved up to the leadoff spot. Scary how long that took. Not even kidding scary. Like your woman when you say she doesn’t look good in any outfit scary.
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.48. I own him and that ERA is shocking to me. Every time I go to the bathroom and I see the name of my toilet, I think of Koehler. He’s one of those guys that is solid for NL-Only leagues where you start just about everyone (where I own him), but in mixed leagues I wouldn’t trust him.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Pardon the Salty language, but it’s been effin’ miserable owning him this year. He does have two homers in the last four games, and has been known to binge.
Adrian Gonzalez – Didn’t start yesterday with a neck injury. He’s day-to-day. Clint Robinson (0-for-3) started in his place, and he might be the baseball player with the most basketball-sounding name. Maybe he’ll mistakenly hit a few between the right and center fielders for the alley oops.
Hanley Ramirez – Sat out again and the Dodgers said they will make a decision on Thursday to DL him. Hanley, never one to pass up a nice extended break, probably goes to the DL. You read it here first! (Assuming you didn’t read it anywhere else prior.)
Nolan Arenado – Will be activated from the DL today. All hail Caesar! Caesar’s the little manchild at my car wash that said he’d grant me one wish.
Carlos Gonzalez – Ready to take batting practice. Unless he’s using an obscure definition of batting practice. Why is he ready to take it and not just taking it? Can’t find a batting cage nearby?
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Ooh, boy (and four girls), somebody’s getting hot. About time Werth went on a rampage like his wooly mammoth beard would connote.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. *rereading Werth’s blurb* Okay, lousy Rockies pitching doesn’t hurt, but whatever it takes to get guys going. You feel me? Figuratively, don’t touch me.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. And if you insist on knowing the Fist, I’ll tell you this. (Because your Fist) your Fist is on my list. Because your Fist is what I miss when I turn out the light. You know the Fist, the Fist, I can’t resist.
Tyler Skaggs – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he returned from the DL. His peripherals look similar to Koehler, so now when I go to the bathroom I’ll think of him too.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many days. He’s so overdue it’s as if he mailed it in two years ago. Only he mailed it like when you send someone a letter without postage, but put their address in the return address area so it’s ‘returned’ to them.
John Danks – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. Oh. That’s nice. How about a little further down my back? Danks is usually than, no thans as he lacks Ks, and this game aside, he’s still been like that for the majority of the year. “Why can’t the year be a minority?!” Sorry, Sister Souljah.
Chris Young – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, and a 3.11 ERA. That’s nice, I don’t buy it at all. We’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop and because Chris Young is seven-feet tall it’s taking longer.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4. Now has back-to-back games of three hits. This year, he’s been off the charts egregious, Jackie Chiles, and had been 0-for-20 prior to two games ago, but he shouldn’t be this awful, so I’d be a cyclops with a monocle on him.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. After his two-homer game on June 23rd, I said something like guys rarely hit two homers and don’t get hot. And that’s me paraphrasing me! He’s now hit in every game since then, except for one. I nearly picked him up, but I have Hosmer, Cron and a bunch of other corner infidel crizzap, so I didn’t, but I could see it if you’re struggling.
Dallas Keuchel – Expects to make his start on Friday. Houston, we don’t have a problem! See what I did there?
Jose Altuve – 0-for-4 with 2 Ks vs. Chris Young. Guess Altuve forgot his slingshot.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in the last three games, and batting over .300 in the last week. Four homers is the most homers, Marwin has hit in a professional season, dating back to 2006, so while Marwin sounds fun, almost like Elmer Fudd is calling him, there’s not much here.
Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Or Kike Hernandez as he prefers to be called. Yes, his nickname is Kike. His nickname comes from his father who suffered from Tourette’s Syndrome. Beats being his brother, Goddammitcockdoodyhead Hernandez.