Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over. This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there. It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg. Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time. As Eli would say, oy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him. I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns. You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks. I do still have much love for him. Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.
Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, was called up and led off for the Braves. With his poor slash line in the minors this year, the only thing Schafer should be leading off is Letterman shows.
Mike Morse – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and now has three straight games with a home run. Dot, dot, dash. That’s Morse code for pick him up right now.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and he pitchslapped Jason Marquis. In Greinke’s last three games, he’s given up 5 ER, 4 ER and 3 ER. I look forward to his start in early June when he throws a shutout.
Zach Braddock – Still out with a sleep disorder, but yesterday he missed a rehab start because of a cracked fingernail. He said, “I’m not going to let a fingernail–” Then fell asleep mid-sentence.
Matt Guerrier – Lost yesterday’s game; Jansen lost the previous Dodgers loss. Guerra, MacDougal, Rubby…. Your time to suck is now! Dodger bullpen? More like Dodgy bullpen.
Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Would’ve been nice to see more Ks — because I like Ks, okay?! — but he’s lowered his ERA from 4.93 on May 4th to 4.41 in the (not Denard) span of four starts. Next stop, 4.00!
Hong-Chih Kuo – Throwing at 90% intensity as he works his way back from an anxiety condition. Somebody just needs to ask him, “You happy with your status, Kuo?”
Juan Nicasio – Will get the Rockies Saturday start. He was making it look easy in Double-A — 2.22 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, plus-10 K-rate. That’s a yes, please and thank you. Unfortunately, Double-A players sleep in hammocks that smell like mildew and can’t hit like major leaguers. Outside of NL-Only leagues, you’re asking to get roofied if you grab Nicasio. Though, if he pitches well, I could see reevaluating.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 with his 4th home run in his last ten games while upping his batting average thirty-three points. I don’t mind him, but Salty raises Rudy’s blood pressure.
Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, his 3rd home run and 2nd in three games. On top of the homer, there were two doubles and some premature extrabasulation. He’s batting .308 in May and the “Now Through Memorial Day” sale on Crawford ended early.
Brad Hawpe – 2-for-4 and homers in back-to-back games. Yesterday, someone asked if Hawpe’s recent hitting would keep Rizzo down. The thing about Rizzo is the same with most rookies. They fail — with or without a hashtag. A rookie in Petco? I would take a flyer, but I wouldn’t count on Rizzo saving your season.
Andruw Jones – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two home runs. Someone just woke from a five-year coma and can’t stop talking about the Hall of Fame career Andruw Jones is having.
Russell Martin – Has 9 homers and 4 steals on the year. Not bad considering there were two Yankee backstops drafted before him.
Frank Francisco – John Farrell, the Blue Jays manager (which I always feel the need to clarify), said Frank2 was their closer. Then he said Dotel, Frasor and Rauch could all jump on the closerousel if a matchup proved favorable. By which he means, if they don’t want to blow the save, they’ll look elsewhere.
Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. So, here’s a day in the life of Grey Albright: Yesterday, I was backing up my SUV in a gas station and I ran into an old man walking behind my car. Not on purpose! I love old people. They have good stories and carry hard candies. But, from my rearview mirror, it looked like I decapitated him. Quickly, I jump out of my car — after momentarily considering driving straight to Mexico and selling blankets and chiclets for the rest of my life. Turned out I didn’t behead him, I knocked his toupee off. I bring this up now because if the old man were Erik Bedard, he wouldn’t have walked away from the accident. I.e., he’s injury prone. Enjoy Bedard while you can, he’s not staying healthy.
Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3 as The Big FraGu went deep for the first time this season. To be clear, I like The Big FraGu’s nickname better than him.
Neftali Feliz – He got the save yesterday and his season ERA is 1.13. Still, something is not right. He has a 1.50 WHIP and 14 walks vs. 8 Ks. This isn’t the same guy who has a career K-rate better than 9. I’d say he’s hiding an injury, but his velocity has been fine. It might be a mechanics thing. I don’t know, I’m not Tom Emanski. BTW, who’s the backup to grab in Texas? Blech, no one really. BTW II, The Return of BTW, there should be a Razzball glossary term for when your closer is doing poorly (Joakim Soria, anyone?), but the rest of the bullpen is so bad you just ignore it. Make suggestions in the comments. Thank you.
Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. Seven innings and seven runs? Looks like he was a victim of manager’s indifference.
Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors. Sorry if I told you to bench him yesterday. Mea culpa, my Latin friends. I avoided a sonavabenching because Rudy snuck Kennedy into our lineup. His ‘fro is obviously just camo-ing his giant brain.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. On May 13th, I told you Ervin was about to be magic. Since then, his ERA is 2.05. Cust kayin’.
Wilson Valdez – Started at 2nd base for Utley then pitched the 19th inning to earn the win. Geez, everyone’s breathing down Ryan Madson’s neck. When the game ended at 2:45 AM, all fans remaining in attendance got to take home with them one homeless person.
Kevin Slowey – Out with an abdominal strain. Jim Hoey to replace Kevin Slowey. Too bad they couldn’t replace Joe Mauer with Jack Bauer. “Look, Liriano, we don’t have time! I need you to throw me a fastball low and outside and I need you to throw it NOW!”