Homer Bailey threw his second career no-hitter, and it was the first time a player who looked identical to Christian Bale has thrown the last two no-hitters in the major leagues. Johnny Vander Meer’s family is currently drawing bat ears on old photos of Johnny to try and contest that record. Nolan Ryan was the last non-Balehead to throw the majors back-to-back no-hitters in 1974 and ’75, but the coincidences don’t end there! Back then the only live action Batman was Adam West, and Nolan was pitching as far West as you can go in California and Joe West called Ryan’s fifth no-hitter and Kanye West wasn’t born yet but Jesus was and that’s who Kanye thinks he is. It’s a small word after all, which is played at Disneyland and that’s in Anaheim where Nolan played. My brain is bugging out! Bailey seems like he’s a one-game-a-year pitcher, but he’s been terrific all year. He’s in the top ten for FIP and has the 4th best K-rate in that group. That’s not a 2nd or third fantasy starter; that’s an ace, over-the-internet friend. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Feldman – Acquired by the Orioles for Jake Arrieta, Pedro Strop and $388,100. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the exact amount of money before (granted, I’ve never looked for it either). I wonder if they quibbled over the last hundred bucks. “$388,087 or we walk.” “I can’t go below $388,200. C’mon, Arrieta has a great sense of direction if you’re ever lost.” “Fine, $388,100, but that’s it.” “Deal!” Feldman is a just-about-a-four-ERA-pitcher-without-great-Ks-no-matter-where-he-plays-that-either-has-a-5-something-ERA-or-a-3-something-ERA-depending-on-luck. Whew, what a mouthful! Or did you cheat and take a breath? If you can’t not cheat while reading a fantasy baseball blog, where can you not not cheat? Feldman’s much more valuable in real baseball, which is played with a lot more spitting than fantasy baseball, but the same amount of scratching and swearing. On the other hand, Jake Arrieta isn’t good in real or fantasy baseball. There is no third hand, freak!
Nolan Reimold – 1-for-3. O’s activated him from the DL and he should work into a platoon at DH. From “DL to DH and Vice Versa” is also the title of his autobiography. I’ve liked Reimold for as long as you’ve called your mother, ‘Mommy,” but even I need to see him hit in a few games before picking him up.
Brian Roberts – 1-for-4 and a homer. Hopefully everyone greeted him after his homer with a jellyfish hug so he wouldn’t get hurt.
Carlos Villanueva – Cubs are moving him back into the rotation. He’s been pretty unremarkable as a starter thus far in his career, but I could see grabbing him in NL-Only leagues due to his decent K-rate (which also has been far from terrific while a starter). If you’re relying on Chuck Newtown to save your season, you might consider fantasy football, Sky’s rolling out his rankings.
Dioner Navarro – 3-for-4, 1 run and has two homers in his last two starts. Yes, he’s hot garbage, but he’s currently hitting.
Tim Lincecum – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. His peripherals tell us that there’s some value here. His K-rate is over 9 and his xFIP is more than a run under where his ERA is, which means he’s been getting a tad unlucky. His BABIP and men left on is a bit low. He’s actually much closer to the pitcher who had a 2.74 ERA in 2011 than the guy who was taking hits off the gong last year with a 5.18 ERA. Where does that leave us? Or leaf us, if you’re a tree hugger. Nowhere really, but I could see taking a flyer on him if someone dropped him in a shallower league.
Hiroki Kuroda – Will miss his next start due to his hip flexor, but he’s likely to avoid the DL. He’s just too hip to be impaired.
Mark Teixeira – Underwent wrist surgery, and wrote on Twitter that it “coodnt haf g0ne beter.” He will have to get used to typing with one hand.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. This millionaire is turning it on in his contract year when he has a chance to become an uber-millionaire. It’s all about the uber, baby!
Josh Willingham – Having arthroscopic knee surgery on a knee injury that should’ve landed him on the DL about a month ago. For a guy named Willingham, he was pretty stubborn there for a while about declaring he’s injured. He could come back sometime in August. I’ll be sure to set my iCal.
John Danks – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. “A guy that has been terrible all year does this against the Orioles.” “Alex, what is the reason I don’t bet on baseball games?” The Stream-o-Nator thinks his next start vs. the Rays is a $5, but I wouldn’t trust him.
Anibal Sanchez – After having his last rehab game cut short due to a liner off his calf, he’s now scheduled to return to the Tigers rotation on Sunday. Never thought of the name Anibal as butchy, but he’s proving me wrong.
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Chien Ming Mang (1 2/3 IP, 6 ER). Fister vs. Wang, or as the media dubbed it, Sack Tap Bowl I. It lived up to its billing as the first inning was like both ERAs were given a Fister in the Wang.
Torii Hunter – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1 steal, 1 cushy spot in the lineup, 2 I’s.
Edwin Encarnacion – Sat out again with hamstring soreness. C’mon, Not Juan Encarnacion, we need you back!
Brandon Morrow – Played catch yesterday and felt no pain at all. Granted, it was with a toddler and he was rolling the ball so it stopped between the toddler’s legs, but it’s progress.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. Close battle going on between him and Raul Ibanez for guys that sit at the top of your waivers that make you say, “I should pick him up…Or should I?”
Dexter Fowler – Hit the DL with wrist soreness. Gonna have a hard time clapping his wrists together for the Kool G. Rap “Talk Like Sex” chorus.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. He also dressed up like Bruce Wayne and threw a no-hitter in Cincy.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Pretty surprising to me that his power has evaporated this dramatically. There’s gotta be a 5-homer week in that bat of his, right?
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, 1.93 ERA. Meanwhile, Greinke was in the dugout MMA training for tomorrow’s game which will somehow turn into a bench-clearing brawl.
Jedd Gyorko – As reported here after hearing the wrong thing elsewhere, Gyorko’s at least a week away, not back by the end of this week. Mea culpa, for our readers in Latin America.
Everth Cabrera – Could return this Thursday, which is also Rudy’s birthday. Can’t wait to see what his creation the Hitter-Tron got him for his birthday. I’m guessing a solar calculator that has been defiled and is now afraid of bright lights.
Robbie Erlin – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER in Fenway. Last night, the Masshole pronunciation worked for Robbie with Era-lin.
John Lackey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.81 ERA. Technically, I told you to pick him up about a month ago, so don’t look at me… Okay, you can look at me with those baby blues–Hey, I didn’t say sit on my lap. Weirdo!
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .415. He hit .202 in Triple-A this year. Middlebrooks is currently hitting .289 in Triple-A after hitting .192 in the bigs. Get Garry Marshall on the horn, I smell a Vice Versa remake in the works.
Jesse Crain – Dealing with shoulder tightness. I polluted his womb. He had a string of 31 scoreless appearances, then I picked him up and he gave up a run on Saturday and now he’s hurt. Sorry, Crain. My bad!
B.J. Upton – Left yesterday’s game with forearm cramping after he struck out. With B.J., I would have expected less forearm cramping and more of a TMJ cramp.
Kris Medlen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. Here’s one to scratch your head to. Looking at simply K-rate and xFIP and Lincecum is having a better season than Medlen. Granted, most of you play in “normal” leagues where you use “old-fashioned” “things” like ERA and WHIP. Those were air quotes, I didn’t copy that from Zagat’s.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI. All right, another month of games like this and we’ll be copacetic.
Brian McCann – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2RBI. Solid bounce back season so far. Could McCann be hinting at another presidential run.
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting near .375 in the last week. Hasn’t shown much power recently or this season, but he’s continuing his hot schmotato ways after being in last week’s Buy.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 3-for-3. Yeah, he’s five for his last seven, but I can’t recommend him in good conscience.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Now, I can recommend Morrison even though I just know as soon as I do he’s going to get hurt and miss 18 months. Whatever, my conscience is clean!
Matt Holliday – Scratched with a neck problem. About a day premature for a Holliday leave of absence.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, 3.75 ERA. He’s like the two steps forward, one big step back hurler. Great start, great start, terrible start and his ERA just bounces between 3.40 and 3.90 all year.
A.J. Burnett – Aiming for a return around the 7th of July. Ah, the day our country celebrates leftover hot dogs and fireworks that you found in the garage that you thought were used on the 4th.
Jonathan Pettibone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he outdueled Brandon Cumpton (5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks). Pettibone vs. Cumpton was also a landmark case in the 18oos that forced women to show under their petticoats after afternoon tea to make sure they weren’t stealing crumpets.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer. He now has two homers in the last three days. He sits vs. lefties, but if you can platoon him into your lineup, he usually gets hot for ten days to two (stutterer!) weeks.
Corey Kluber – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Kluber isn’t a rookie, but I feel like he gave me a roofie anyway. Whatever, I’m done with him. It wasn’t fun while it lasted and now we bid adieu. I hate you, Corey. Good bye.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 with a grand slam. Yeah, but if he were hitting cleanup, he would’ve had 8 RBIs on that homer.
David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks. THANK YOU, KANYE! Or Yeezus! Or Jesus! Or whoever runs the fantasy baseball Make-a-Wish foundation. I’m guessing it’s Ron Shandler dressed as a fairy. “Okay, Lawr, there’s a guy whose girlfriend just left him and he needs a closer real bad. Let’s knock out his leaguemates’ internet next time a closer blows a save.”
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (10). Hey, him and Pence can take turns counting the cracks in the sidewalk. I tried to trade Jennings yesterday for Grilli, and nearly traded him for Uehara. Yes, I’m willing to overpay. Hey, saves are saves are saves, and I need them. I’m about to offer Greinke for a closer now that Price has returned. Wish me luck.
J.J. Putz – Out as the Diamondbacks closer. To put another way. D-Backs jerk Putz…That’s what Heath said! Somewhere, there’s Siamese Twins, who co-own a fantasy team, saying, “Having one Putz is too much trouble.” The name of their fantasy team is Torsonados. You know the Siamese Twins are torn on dropping B.J. Upton. Luckily, it’s not a literal tear. So, Heath Bell is back in as Arizona’s closer. Yes, the same Heath Bell who looked like he couldn’t close the door on a dollhouse. What? It’s a very tiny door that a grown man should be able to close. I don’t think this is anywhere near the end of this shituation. David Hernandez, who hasn’t been good recently, could enter the picture at some point too. We got a closerousel, y’all! Right now, I’d own them Bell, Putz, Hernandez, but that order could change by tomorrow.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, to raise his ERA to 2.49. Damn, I wanted the Shandler Fairy not the Regression Fairy.
Martin Prado – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting over .350 in the last week with two homers. He’s also…yawn… Sorry, I fell asleep, what happened? Prado, right! He’s great…yawn… Sorry, Prado’s my turkey.
Jeremy Hefner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, 3.54 ERA and six straight games where he hasn’t given up more than two earned runs. I’m in a very fragile place, so let’s not point out I would’ve been better off picking up Hefner than Wheeler.
Ryan Braun – Won’t return until after the All-Star break. When he’d get pickled in steroids during every season, he sure used to return from these nagging injuries a l0t quicker. Sorry, I wanted to take the highroad, but like Braun I took the HiGHroad.
Wily Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Still trust him about as far as I can throw him, and while it’s true I can bench press five times my body weight, Peralta’s a blubbermush and can’t be thrown very far by anyone.
Juan Francisco – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs. Pinky swear, once he cools off I’ll stop mentioning him.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Has he had any outstanding starts this year? I feel like he hasn’t yet he still has an ERA of 2.24. Is that possible?
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4 and his 17th steal. I picked him up around the time I told you to. On my team for about a week, his line is 7/2/2/.394/5. Yup.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and two homers (10, 11). I expected more from Kendrys this year, but there’s still plenty of time. The Morales of the story is the baseball season is long.
Raul Ibanez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. The Zombino lives!
Tom Wilhelmsen – 1 IP, 0 ER. Don’t you wanna call him Womb Tilhelmsen? No? Maybe it’s me. The Mariners said Wilhelmsen will return to the closer role. They added, “Have you seen our other options? The only Furbush I wanna see close is in a Woodstock documentary.”
Alfredo Griffin – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Cubs in O.co, the Home of MediOAKers. What’s worse, he was coming off a complete game shutout. That’s some serious passive aggressive shizz right there. Why not just kick my dog? Or defecate on my 1988 World Series program? Friggin’ schmohawk.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Here goes…
I still don’t think Josh can keep this up — seeing every pitch is meat,
Maybe he’s an A’sception to the rule?
I should’ve seen Donaldson from Jump Street?
Fat Jonah could’ve told me, while Skinny Jonah Triple Lindy’d undercover back to school.