Give that dog a bone! Wait, what? Yesterday, Nick Blackburn went 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Usually after a team clinches their division, they wake up like it’s Ash Wednesday and they were on Bourbon Street for Fat Tuesday. Not dem Twinkies, I tell ya! (Well, who else is telling you? Am I right? Or am I right right?) Even with their B lineup, they made the Indians look C. (Hehe, I said looksie! Twice now.) Blackburn was in last week’s borderline starter post twice (a new one comes this afternoon) and he hasn’t had a bad start since July. You know what you should do with Blackburn? Powder him in sugar and dunk him in my coffee? Are you drunk, random italicized voice? *lowers eyes* No. You should grab him for his next start vs. the Royals, but my enthusiasm for Blackburn doesn’t run deep if you can fathom that. (pun point!) Blackburn has around a 3.5 K/9. To use the parlance of Johnnie Cochran, that’s egregious. That’s an inning for Carlos Marmol. Blackburn gets more bat contact than a wannabe-WAG. When Twins fans go to a Nick Blackburn start, they bring so few K signs that they look racist. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – Sat out yesterday as Hanley wasn’t feeling very manly. You know what makes me feel manly? Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo. The Marlins are hinting Hanley’s gonna be shutdown for the year. I’ve been hinting that for the last three days.
Juan Pierre – 2-for-3 and his 60th steal. I am the King of SAGNOF! Now get me my mead! And maybe a crumpet.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer. Oh, it’s on! Or at least it will be in the offseason when I pimp this guy out with my fantasy bedazzler.
Brett Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. The injuries helped bring his value back to earth for next year’s draft. It’ll be a nice buy opportunity or my name isn’t Grey “Left Eye” Albright.
Brad Ziegler – Blew the save but that was because Breslow has been used the last few days and Wuertz’ thumb huertz.
Sean Burnett – Got the save as Storen was either out with ‘he threw on Tuesday’ or ‘he wasn’t good on Tuesday or Sunday.’ One’s good, two’s not, three’s company.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer. In his short career, he’s had more ups and downs than Mattingly and Morganna in the summer of ’85. As pointed out whenever that was I pointed it out, Espinosa K’d a lot in the minors and that makes for a hitter that’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair.
Adam Dunn – Left the game after being hit on the elbow by a pitch. He said it was the “most pain I’ve ever had in baseball. Even more than that time I slide into home with four cheesesteaks in my back pocket. Actually that was awesome.” Dunn said he should be good by tomorrow.
Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 8 Ks, No Win. Bleeping motherbleeper!
Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’m not sure yet where he’s going to be drafted next year, but I’m taking a ticket and getting in line.
Ryan Raburn – 2-for-3, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers. 2 more starts at 2nd base and he gets eligibility there for next year. Somebody kidnap Will Rhymes for two days. Please and thank you.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs. So far in his career, he’s only hit one homer that wasn’t followed by several more. It’s a shot in the dark, but Alvarez might be a big play for the next week.
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer. I doubt I touch him even next year. Metco, aging guy who was adding value with speed that is now declining and injury-prone. Belchtran.
Jose Lopez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and 3 homers. Nice of you to show up one game this year.
Randy Wells – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Giants. I was thinking this might be a decent start, but Wells has been all over the map this year, so it’s tough to recommend him. With that said, i.e., here comes the opposite, he goes to Petco in his next start, then gets the Astros.
Joey Votto – Out of the lineup again with a sinus infection. Who is he, Felix Unger?
Johnny Cueto – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER. That one’s for LaRue.
Dan Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week. Can he stay hot for another week plus? Can a pig fly? Yes, with a catapult. Guess what I’m saying is it’s possible and worth a shot.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 22nd homer to go along with 15 steals. Wait, I know that impression! It’s David Wright. Pretty sad when the big power guys in the league have 22 homers and 15 steals. Did they start testing for HGH and no one told me?
Carlos Pena – Sounds like he might get some extended rest heading into the ‘offs. Back date this to the last time he was hot, which was like 3 months ago.
Stephen Drew – 1-for-3 with the always tasty slam & legs. That’s back-to-back games with steals and he’s hitting over .300 in the last week. Okay, it’s not much, but for Drew it’s practically MVP numbers.
Kelly Johnson – Now has two homers in two games and 4 homers this week. In like a lion, out like a lion.
Yadier Molina – Headed home to have his knee examined. Tough blow for people in leagues that only use Molinas.
Pablo Sandoval – 0-for-2, .263 average on the year with 12 homers. Kung F.U. Panda is more like it.