Let’s get in the Wayback Machine. Back in March, Zsa Zsa Gabor was still alive, there wasn’t a legitimate Republican candidate for the White House and Desmond Jennings had loads of potential. Now stepping out of the Wayback Machine we realize those three things are still true. Time keeps on slipping and Zsa Zsa keeps on ticking. (<--Actual saying people say!) If you put on your Baseball Nerd glasses, you see Jennings isn't getting a lot of bad luck with his BABIP, which means his average may not skyrocket. Until he gets his Ks down, he may be a .250 hitter. Movie Trailer Voice, "Two brothers were raised without the means to even buy a baseball mitt, forcing them to use a corn husk tied together with an al dente piece of pasta. What they didn't know... They had a third brother who was a lot closer than they could have ever imagined." B.J., "Hey, Justin, it's your brother, Melvin.... Melvin Upton! You know how we both have unbridled enthusiasm from fantasy baseballers and upside that leads to major frustration...." Looks at Desmond on the field with a mitt tied together by capellini.... "Well, I think I found our long lost brother." What does seem way off is Jennings's HR/FB%. No way he's hitting more fly balls and none of them are going deep. There's also little to worry about with his speed. He's stolen 12 bases and only caught once. If you're looking to trade for a potential game changer, I'd give Jennings a whirl. If you're lucky, you have a 10/20 guy for the rest of the season. If you're not, well, you shouldn't have to pay much to acquire him. Anyway, here's some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Bobby Parnell – If he does well, he could keep the job all year. Yes, that’s a big if. BTW, how come people don’t say it’s a small if something is very probable? Like, “I guess we’ll get donuts if Dunkin’ Donuts, a store that never closes, is open. Yes, that’s a small if.”
Jared Burton – Could be the closer into July. Yeah, that’s a pretty sturdy limb.
Erick Aybar – Could people be down on Aybar in the non-sexual way because he didn’t do much the first two months? Yeah, mos def, Buzz Lightheaded, says the white kid who grew up watching Pixar movies and thinks he’s black. Aybar is batting over .300 in June… And that’s all the positives I have for him, but he could turn on the burners and have an 8 steal month.
Stephen Drew – Like the Diamondbacks organization, I have absolutely no faith in him. He’s had one good season his entire career and he needed 611 ABs to even get to 21 homers. He’s never passed 70 RBIs in a season, never accrued more than 95 runs and has yet to hit .300 over a full season. Well, that last point isn’t fair, because he’s only had one full season. If this guy was named Stephen Finklesmith, you wouldn’t even think about picking him up. He’s peddling on the Drew name and it’s not even that good of a name, unless you’re looking for a teenage detective. And, really, who the hell is trusting an amateur sleuth? If you’ve lost some prized possession, you’re turning to an 18-year-old? Are you paying them in a case of wine coolers? I’d grab Drew if I were desperate at MI, but you need to be reeking of desperation.
Jon Jay – He doesn’t have the upside of, say, Allen Craig. Or really most 4th fantasy outfielders. The Federalist is around a 10/10 guy with a decent average, but remember how he posed as Benjamin Franklin’s wife so their son’s fiancee’s parents wouldn’t know they were gay? That was admirable! Wait, that was The Birdcage.
Quintin Berry – In Single-A, he stole 55 bases. In High-A, 51 bases. In Double-A, 48 bases. In Triple-A, 2 bases. Huh? Oh, that was in four games. Yeah, HeRun didn’t get his name because he walks… Actually, he does do that too. SAGNOF! Or as they say in Latin America, E Pluribus SAGNOF!
Wilin Rosario – He’s on pace for 20+ homers. Wha’chu got at catcher?
Ike Davis – He’s on pace for almost exactly the same year he had last year, but his luck got sucked out of an airplane toilet. He could have a .260 2nd half with 10 homers and decent counting stats. Doesn’t sound like much until you look at A-drain Gonzalez’s year.
Norichika Aoki – Now has 4 homers and 10 steals and he’s playing every day. I have a random prediction: Aoki’s full season stats are gonna look okay and next March people are gonna draft him as a sleeper — Yeah, man, that Aoki can hit 15 homers and steal 25 bases with an everyday job! — then he’s gonna hit 1 homer and steal 1 base in April and people are gonna be like — Can’t believe I drafted that Aoki fella.
Luke Scott – Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.
Tyler Moore – Showed a real nice bat in the minor leagues (9 homers in 28 games at Triple-A). His playing time is already a little murky and could get worse when Werth returns at the end of July. I see your upside, and I raise you a hot schmotato that will lose playing time in a few weeks.
Jose Quintana – Here’s over Quintana’s head. Then here’s the ceiling above him. Then here’s the roof. Then here’s the giant cat looking at the snow globe that your house is in and that’s where Quintana’s pitching. But, hey, while a guy’s hot, it can’t hurt.
Franklin Morales – Okay, that Burton limb was like being in a giant animated tree with a face on it that could hold your whole condo building. Here’s a weaker limb, Morales will be better than Beckett this year. He only has 34 2/3 IP under his belt, but his K-rate is over 9 and his walks are in check for the first time in his career. If he can continue to do that, not even Fenway or tough matchups could bother him. Basically, the love I had for Doubront that felt like it lasted all of two weeks, I have now for Morales.
Jarrod Parker – That cat peering in at Quintana? Parker’s the Bull Mastiff overlord that is making sure the cat continues to peer into the snow globe. Actually, that’s a clown analogy, bro. Let’s just say, Parker’s pitching beyond his means and at some point creditors are gonna come to collect, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be owned.
Marco Estrada – His K-rate is pushing ten and his walk rate is under 2. That’s worth looking at in mixed leagues. Probably the K-rate will go down and the walk rate will go up once he’s started more games. So that’s deeper mixed league worthy. Four sentences, one hedge… Thank you, Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston!
Andrew Cashner – I just went over him this morning. Use your mouse like Michael Clarke Duncan.
Bud Norris – Everyone knows what Bud Norris is gonna give you, right? A 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 Ks gem or a 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks game. Hmm, there’s some disparity there. Okay, so no one knows what Bud’s gonna give you, but he could give you a 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 Ks gem. I like dem odds! Though I’m not using the phrase “I like dem odds” correctly. Should’ve never gave my backspace key to Goodwill.
Tyler Skaggs – I could’ve put Danny Hultzen here. Either of them could be called up next. Or eye-thurr if Chingy’s reading. For this year, Skaggs could be better than Trevor Bauer. His walk rate is in check and his Ks are there. Only thing holding him back is the Diamondbacks.
Jonathon Niese – You better sit down for this. His K-rate is better than Kershaw and his xFIP is basically the same. I told you to sit down.
Chase Utley – He has a few things going for him. 1) Name value. 2) A homer in his first game back. 3) See C. 4) A young Pat Riley type swag. 5) Lots of history of good numbers to entice other people. But… That’s kinda the first reason again. 6) Hmm… He didn’t really have 5 reasons so 6 could be tough to get to. Now, going against him: 1) Heads and toes, heads and toes, he’s got no knees. 2) He hasn’t stayed healthy in three years. 3) See previous 3. 4) Who still pomades their hair? 5) Hasn’t been good for the last two years. 6) He’s a setback away from missing another month. 7) Reason six was kinda the same as reason two, so that’s all I have. If you got any water in that coconut of yours, you’ll trade him quick-fast. You didn’t just stumble into the 2009 Utley with 30 homers and 20 steals in an abbreviated season. You basically walked into the Waiver Wire bar, had two shots of Jameson and picked up Yunel Escobar. You don’t need to now take him home and sleep with him. Trade him to the lady that looks like Cindy from Auction Kings and go pick up someone else.