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So all the exciting Winter Meetings deals are gonna come on the last day?  It’s like Frank and Zach from MTV’s Challenge have taken over the Winter Meetings and ruined them too.  Give me back Evan and Kenny and CT!  In the words of T.J. Lavin, they killed it!  Sorry, I didn’t have any balloons set up to fall when Sean Burnett signed a deal.  Maybe Greinke will finally sign somewhere today, or, dare to dream, Josh Hamilton.  So far the Winter Meetings have given a run to your co-worker’s PowerPoint presentations on the Yawn-o-Meter.  The biggest value change for fantasy thus far would have to go to Dan Haren.  A guy who’s got a bad hip (or is it back?).  He signed with the Nats.  Solid deal for them.  If Haren does nothing, whatever.  They have plenty of pitching in place.  If he does something, then score, or, ya know, no score vs. him.  It’s the equivalent to a late-round gamble in fantasy, which appropriately enough is what Haren is.  If he’s drafted prior to that, then people are looking at his name-value more than reality.  I don’t trust him at all to stay healthy.  One trade to the Cubs already fell through, due to his hip (back?; I don’t know — he’s injured in some way.)  Sure, he’s only missed three starts in nine years, but presumably his health caused his fastball to bottom out at 88 MPH last year, and the hip (back, whatever) injury sounds like it’s still an issue.  I can almost guarantee someone will draft him before I do.  I’m guessing at best he misses at least a month of the season, and at worst he gets shut down for a few months.  I’ll put his 2013 line at 7-6/3.95/1.27/120 in 150 innings.  I’m sure there will be points during the season he is usable, and I will quote that line verbatim the day after he pitches a gem.  And that’s me quoting future me!  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Wilton Lopez – He was briefly traded to the Phils, but there was a problem with his elbow so the trade was rescinded.  The Rockies who gave up on having viable arms about three years ago said what the eff and grabbed Lopez.  The Astros still don’t have a closer, but they also don’t have an outfield, infield or pitching staff, so first things first, ya know?

Alex White – Went to Houston for Wilton.  So, the Rockies traded a young arm for a totally replaceable reliever?  Maybe the Astros pulled my Cougar Lifetime trick.  The basics of it are, I turn all the clocks ahead an hour, then when my Cougar wants to watch Lifetime, I’m like, “That Meredith Baxter-Birney movie started at eight.  You missed the first hour.”  Before the Cougar can put two and two together, the movie’s over and I don’t have to watch a movie about adoption.  Only instead of an hour, the Astros turned the Rockies’ clocks to July 31st and congratulated the Rockies heartily about being in first.  Otherwise, I don’t understand this trade for the Rockies.  White isn’t anything spectacular for fantasy as of right now, but he keeps the ball down and I wouldn’t be surprised if he has matchups appeal at some point in the season.

Marco Scutaro – Giants re-signed the 37-year-old to a three-year deal.  Prior to this year, Marco’s claim to fame was bringing pasta to the Giants clubhouse back from San Fran’s Chinatown.  Now coming off his terrific postseason (and 2nd half, in general), Scutaro’s someone to keep a close eye on in fantasy.  Sorry, I meant a closed eye.  Even in a 2nd half where he hit .339, he still only had 3 homers and 2 steals in 295 ABs.  I’d let someone else call out his name at your draft and find Marco from your fantasy pool of players.

Jeff Keppinger – Signed with the White Sox.  At 3rd base, the White Sox had Morel, who seemed like a fun guy, but turned out to be poisonous to success.  Keppinger will be a good pick up for one fantasy week this upcoming year.  No one knows which week, except our Mayan overlord.  Good luck getting him to talk!

Yunel Escobar – Traded to the Rays.  When I went over the Reyes trade, I went over Escobar’s fantasy value.  Well, I didn’t actually say much there about Yunel, because there’s not much to say.  He’s a 10-homer, very little speed MI.  Like RuPaul, Yunel’s more known for his antics and makeup choices.

Jason Bay – Signs with the Mariners.  Ah, the ol’ “You should’ve just retired” signing.  Chone Figgins is looking for one of these.

Nate McLouth – Signed with the O’s.  McLouth is half of a blahtoon in left field for the O’s and isn’t worth much in fantasy outside of deep leagues where you can juggle your lineup on the daily.  Can you feel the excitement?!

Eric Chavez – D’Backs signed him to platoon with Chris Johnson.  That’s the Chris Johnson who doesn’t need a platoon partner.  Yay.  Like your best friend’s girlfriend who insists on telling every girl you meet that your nickname was “Scooter” in high school, Chavez is now a total Johnson block.  The only good news here is Chavez probably won’t be healthy for more than 50 games.

Joe Blanton – “There’s only one way Joe Blanton’s signing will get any attention.  We have to make sure no other significant signings happen.”  That’s the Winter Meetings conspiring early on Monday. Blanton signed with the Angels.  MLB.com reported that the Angels bringing in Blanton doesn’t mean they’re off the market for pitching.  No kidding.  They need someone to fill-in for Blanton when he has a 5-something ERA in June.

Shane Victorino – Reached a deal with the Red Sox, so they didn’t have to go to battle with Daniel Nava in right field.  You know what they call Daniel’s sister?  Nava-ho.  Hey, blame her promiscuousness.  Great landing spot for Victorino’s fantasy value.  In 18 plate appearances in Fenway, he has a .143 average, but that’s the small sample size talking, as I said in my college production of the Puppetry of the Penis.  I could see Victorino slapping balls against the wall all day long, as I said in the same production.  With Fenway boosting his BABIP and him returning to his pre-Dodger Stadium power, he could be good for a return to 15/30/.270.  For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 92/14/66/.272/29.  Me likey.

Andrew Cashner – Out three months with a thumb injury he suffered while hunting.  My guess is Ted Nugent is feeling very conflicted about his keeper team.  On the bright side, Cashner got his three month DL stint out of the way in December.  Unfortunately, knowing him, he still has a five-month DL stint up his sleeve.  Or at the bottom of his sleeve, as the case may be.

  1. beardcrabs says:
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    talk about yawnstipating…

    • prezii says:
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      @beardcrabs: you can say that again.. although i did chuckle a few times. You know you’re good when you can make this news somewhat interesting.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @beardcrabs: What, you don’t like Nate McLouth?

  2. yummy says:
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    I think I just saw a preview of my bench in a 16 team league.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @yummy: Hehe… Nice…

  3. mc serch says:
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    A Puppetry of the Penis ref? You sir, on the very top of your game! Should I be embarrassed to say that i actually saw that show in 2001? The grand finale has stuck in my mind ever since and, with your permission, I would like to unburden myself now…
    Picture if you will a pasty, naked man standing on a skateboard wearing what I believe was a cape. He pulls his scrotal skin ridiculously far out and away from his body to create what was, in effect, a sail. His assistant stands behind him with a household fan, providing wind power. With initial gasps of disbelief quickly turning into riotous applause, the puppeteer triumphantly glides across the stage and exits, stage left…….hard to believe these guys didn’t take over the world with an act like that, am I right?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @mc serch: You saw it?! HA! I hope you got laid afterwards… Thanks for that image…. Now I can never enjoy nauticals again…Shoot, for fear of seeing a sail boat and reminding me of this image, I might not be able to ever go to the beach again…

      • Reno 911 says:
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        America’s (nut) Cup…

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Hehe… Yup…

  4. Hondo says:
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    Does taking Xanax and drinking beer at night dull the pain of no baseball or does it just slow the waiting process until opening day down?

    Just a philosophical inquiry.

    Because I’m bored sh*tless.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Hondo: Not sure… Xanax and daiquiris knocks you right out…

  5. what is up with the Dodgers naming Brandon League as their closer

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Mr Baseball: Health concerns of Kenley are more serious than anyone is letting on…

  6. Anthony says:
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    When will a prospect list come out for 2013? I’m expecting Myers and profar to be the top guys especially since young is on the verge of being traded. But still curious who else will be on there. So?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      You should ask Scott on his yesterday post…

  7. Al lydon says:
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    So I,m stil here watching my bathroom paint dry (Winter Meetings ). My wife comes in and says I ordered pizza for you, and Zack and Josh are coming over with the beer.Than I look up and the spider got away from the drying paint, and there’s a big old moth flapping there stuck tight.Now I know you can,t resist this.C’mon over I have comfy chairs and ZZZZZZZZZZ. Is it February yet ?Pleeeeeeeeeeeze !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Wait, Koji Uehara just signed… Doode!

      • Al lydon says:
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        @Grey:
        Question. Who is a 2 time Sawamura winner,likes sushi ,and will collect social security next year? This you wait for the winter meetings to do ? This is one of your moves ? This won,t wait like forever ? Please give me no more !!!!!!

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Not so fast… Jack Hannahan says he could decide on a team on Thursday(!!!)….

  8. royce! says:
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    Whaddya think about Worley as a Twin? Moving from Citizens Bank to Target should be nice for him, and the AL Central shouldn’t be too much of a challenge compared to the NL East.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I have to look at his peripherals closely for tonight’s last Winter Meeting roundup post, but on the surface it sounds promising for him…

      • Steve says:
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        @Grey: royce! beat me to it re: Worley, but Revere is going the other way. Going to The Flank can’t hurt his value, can it?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Nah, it can’t hurt his value, but other than a better lineup knocking him in, he’s not a homer guy so The Flank won’t help him with power… He’s a 1-homer guy…

          • Steve says:
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            @Grey: Stevabermetrics in fact dicates that those bloops that used to fall in at Target Field will now carry to the outfielders on the fly.

            This trade kills his value.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              I hadn’t even factored in stevabermetrics, good call! There’s probably a good chance he’ll now go 0-for-650, oh well…

  9. L-Boogie says:
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    Bear with me. I’m bored.

    This past FBB season I fell from first to third in the last 2 days of the season. Ouch. To take my mind off of the sting to my pride and my wallet, and to just pass the time until April, I did a fantasy football league this year. As someone who doesn’t know very much at all about FFB I really have to say.. it’s such a joke.

    I mean, I really know nothing about FFB other than Tom Brady is a good QB and its good to have a great RB. I drafted a team, didn’t know 75% of the players I drafted, and I’m playing with a group of guys I’ve never even met before. And I still finished with the best record in the league. How ridiculous is it when 2 of your 8 positions on your team (defense and TE) don’t even really matter? If your starter goes down you have to spend most of your FAAB $$$ getting a backup. I won one week by a few points and my opponent was awarded a few extra points to take the retroactive win 3 DAYS AFTER GAMES ENDED FOR THE WEEK! What the hell was that! And I’m still bored the 4 days a week when there are no games. Playoff just started so I’ll probably wind up regretting these words but I think I know where my entry fee for this year’s FBB league is coming from.

    That is all.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Yeah, I’ve never played FFB, but from what I understand it’s like H2H for baseball only there’s 16 games a week for 3 months rather than 120+ games a week for 6 months… So I gather from that (maybe oversimplified) math, the random girl in the office can win her FFB league if she gets a good RB…

      • L-Boogie says:
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        @Grey: H2H with the random girl in the office? Reminds me of this one holiday party…

        • Sky

          Sky says:
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          @Grey: @L-Boogie: I’m pretty sure that was the year she won the league because she had a nice TE…

          • L-Boogie says:
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            @Sky: There’s a butt fumble joke in there somewhere… at least for those of us who follow the Jets.

            • Sky

              Sky says:
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              @L-Boogie: That game had two fumble highlights. The butt fumble will go down in history, but did you see the Greene fumble? The one where he got stopped at the line and somehow the football comes out like an angry bird projectile. I swear it went at least 5 yards through the air.

              • L-Boogie says:
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                @Sky: The Jets can’t just fumble like normal teams. When they fumble they have to make sure that the ball travels just far and fast enough to land right in the hands of the opposing players. Team rules.

                Like on the ensuing kickoff after the butt fumble TD when the guy receiving for the Jest fumbled and the ball jumped into the air and made a b-line right to the guy on the Pats who ran it in for another TD.

                Then again, some of these defensive players are so huge maybe they have their own gravitational pull.

                • Sky

                  Sky says:
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                  @L-Boogie: I’m fairly certain that’s part of the logic of feeding Wilfork directly from the feed grain silo

              • ron says:
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                That was a 4th down play and I’m 100% certain Green was sticking the ball out over the 1st down marker on that play as RBs do on the goalline in order to “cross the plain”. Even after the play Green can be seen signaling that its a first down. He totally didnt realize he projectile fumbled.

  10. mooseknuckles says:
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    Trade question already. H2H point league and I get to keep 13 guys and i am loaded 1-11. I need to pick 2 of 3 or i can accept a trade. The 3 i currently have to pick from are Dempster, greg holland or yunel escobar. Would you keep Dempster and greg holland or trade escobar and holland for rutledge and keep him and dempster. Ss is so thin that yunel would be the best available in our draft if i let him go.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’d go with Rutledge and Dempster…

  11. Brandon League or Kenley Jansen in Keeper League – I own both but can only keep 1 at the moment unless I get some injury – I will be sending you this question in March

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Better to ask closer questions closer to the season… Right now, I gotta believe Kenley will be fine and more valuable…

  12. Grey-
    What brand of shirt are the razzball shirts? trying to gauge size.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Port and Company? No idea what that is… Mine runs a tad small…

      • JoeC says:
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        @Grey:
        “Mine runs a tad small”

        As usual?

        Can a brother get a cymbal crash?!

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Nice…

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