You could argue Mike Minor threw a slightly better game yesterday and deserved the lede, but you’d be arguing with a computer screen and over what should be the lede on a fantasy baseball blog. It’s about time I gave Gio Gonzalez (7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks) some love after emoting all over myself in the preseason about how much I wanted Gio on every team. In December of last year — yes, December — I gushed over Gio like a little schoolgirl that just got a free shopping spree at American Girl Place. I followed up that gushing volcano of man love with me ranking him 17th overall. I’m not right all the time, but sometimes you just gotta sit back and say, “Grey, your mustache is thick as your brain sometimes, but you got the Gio love on the money.” Then when he came out of the gate blazing and some people were talking about selling him high, I called crackers. The love ran deep and he didn’t disappoint. Right now, his stats are at: 18-7/2.98/1.12/185 in 175 1/3 IP. Yes, please and you’re welcome. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with two homers. All kidding and clown questions aside, if it wasn’t for Mike Trout having scientists talking about renaming trout to miketrout, Harper… Well, ESPN is talking about him, but he’s really having a tremendous year for a 19-year-old. He can’t legally drink for two years. At 19 years old, what were you doing? I was just trying to figure out who had my stash and if we should bother them or just buy a new dime bag. Seriously, that was what I was doing at 19.
Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his fifth homer in the last four days. I’m getting sick of talking about LaRoche because I don’t own him and Rudy does and I’m chasing Rudy in homers in the RCL. Luckily, I have Mini Donkey — Natch!
Roger Bernadina – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam & legs. Guess his OBP? In 104 games. Go ahead guess. I’ll wait. *taps finger, scratches head, picks nose, plays off picking nose like scratching nose so the girl passing doesn’t get grossed out* His OBP .383! That’s pretttttay pretttttay good.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 7 Ks. From the files of titles that should’ve been, “Minor Comes Of Age, Exciting Millions, Disappointing R. Kelly.” I’m guessing everyone that reads Razzball already owns Minor, so, hey, choir, what’s up? You get that thing you were supposed to get that I’m asking you about to show I care about you? Cool.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer. He’s hitting around .350 in the last week with 2 homers. I only point that out because it seems like everyone who mentions him in the comments wants to drop him. I’m confused.
Jered Weaver – He’s felt discomfort in his shoulder since he was hit by a comebacker on Sunday. He’s traveling back to California to have it examined. I believe that last line is also lyrics from a Tom Petty song.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. There’s someone in a H2H league fight for the playoffs and they’re going against a team that hasn’t changed its lineup since April, and sure enough that abandoned team has Dan Haren.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th steal. Double I has been on a tear of late, hitting over .500 in the last week. Your luck = Torii’s on that abandoned team too. Ah, the wonders of H2H. You may as well be playing fantasy football. Seamless!
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs with yet another homer, his 32nd. That’s not a zone….THIS IS A ZONE!
Joey Votto – 2-for-3 in his return to the lineup. Yesterday, Todd Frazier (1-for-4) also played, but as Dusty said Frazier won’t play every day with Votto around. I said, why does Rolen have to play at all? Dusty said, do I know you? I said, I was the one driving the car when Mark Prior egged your house. Dusty said, you made me remove my toothpick for that conversation?
Mike Leake – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Leake? More like a giant effin’ geyser.
Roy Halladay – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Might be tough to wrap your melon around this prosciutto, but not only is Halladay’s ERA around a 3.70, but his peripherals are suggesting that’s not far from the truth. Roy Halladay has become a number two fantasy starter. Strange but true.
Erik Kratz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer. Not much here but a guy who is hitting over his head. And for all you Zimmermaniacs, Kratz is about as Jewish as Dr. Julius Erving. He went to a Mennonite high school and college. The last Phillie with a Mennonite background was Jamie Moyer; he founded the religion back in the 1500’s.
Chase Utley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Next year, I can’t wait for the Phillie fan in one of my leagues to inevitably draft Rollins, Halladay, Utley and Howard and for me to say, “Hey, you just won, if we were playing this league in 2008.”
Alex Rios – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homers. Not in this game, that would’ve be a record. In 1998, Sosa only hit 20 homers in one game.
A.J. Pierzynski – 0-for-4 and is now 4 for his last 34. Who makes a deal with the devil for April through mid-August? Such a ski.
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners 3 Ks. Here’s one for you to write on the back of your beef stew recipe and think about over the offseason: Halladay or Peavy?
Dewayne Wise – 2-for-5 with his 5th steal in his last 7 games. You’re gonna make me drop another full-Fudd werse again, aren’t you?
Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4, now hitting near .400 in the last week. Fine, I picked up Chris Parm in one league. Not sure if that should entice you to pick him up or ignore him further. Your call. Or not.
Shelby Miller – 2 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 4 Ks. First, Kratz now Shelby. Is not controlling the media enough, now you have to take over the Gentiles’ names? Shelby Miller and February Grey are gonna go for a spa day in late-January and connect in a way that hetero men aren’t allowed to outside of Greece.
R.A. Dickey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was pitchslapped by Wainwright. Looked like he was sitting on Dickey’s low, hard one.
Ike Davis – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Post-All-Star break, Davis is hitting .260 with 14 homers in 173 ABs. His overall numbers on average are being dragged down by a horrific April and May. Yeah, he’s gonna be someone to target next year or my name’s not Grey “Left Eye” Albright.
Brandon McCarthy – Was hit in the head by a liner and taken to a hospital for examination. Early exams are saying he was “conscious and doing well.” It’s always delicate to joke about injuries of this nature, so let’s just wish him a speedy recovery and talk about how Straily now might get called up to replace him in the rotation. Not that we want McCarthy seriously injured, maybe just a little shook up for a few weeks. The A’s have dangled that Straily carrot in front of us before like we’re rabid bunnies. Hopefully this time they have no choice. But, uh, get well soon, McCarthy!
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, throwing only 92 pitches, which comes after a 102-pitch outing. The Blue Jays will probably play Morrow close to the vest, so he doesn’t take a knee, c’est la vie. That rhymes for non-French speakers.
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer in the last week. Adrian Beltre who?! 3rd baseman on the Rangers. I know, Random Italicized Voice, I was just—forget it.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I wonder if his full name is Nappy Doug-out Fister. Nah, probably not.
Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Still has only one game over 103 pitches all year. Geez, teams are really treating him with kid gloves like he’s Glass Joe.
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs with 2 homers. This is probably only interesting to me, but I always find myself thinking how the perception of a player is better if they have a solid 1st half and fade in the 2nd half compared to the reverse. Usually you look at the season stats, even if they mean nothing at this point. I mean is it any different to look at only April stats on May 1st, then it is at looking at only August stats today? Is it any different to look at April and May on June 1st, then looking at July and August today? Since the All-Star break, Weeks has been better than Kinsler
Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K and only 67 pitches since this was his first start in a few weeks. The Eternal President of Everything Including Mung Beans would’ve been proud of the runs embargo Correia imposed. Then, after the game, Correia was mobbed by female fans.
Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Stream-o-Nator saw a little something in this start by Millwood vs. the Sawx, but what about that offense? There’s Pedroia and…Uh…Well, Ellsbury’s there, but he hasn’t done anything… But there’s got to be someone else in that lineup… Cody Ross? Oh, forget it.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4, a run and 2 steals. We can live beside the ocean… Leave the fire behind… Swim out past the breakers… God, I love that EverCab joint. What else I love, that EverCab has 28 steals and only one time caught in 94 games. Prorated over the entire season and he’s a 70 steal guy! *checking math* He’s a 45 steal guy! But that’s still solid.
Luke Gregerson – So, I was just saying how he’s definitely the closer, right? Yeah, well, eff me in the effhole. Gregerson hit Victorino and in came Tom Layne. No, he’s not your councilman! He’s a LOOGY and, obviously, the Padres are playing matchups with saves. Gah!
Chris Denorfia – Padres locked him up through 2014. Whew, wouldn’t want him hitting the free agent market. I heard Monty Brewster was going to offer him $100 million.
Luke Scott – 1-for-4 with his first homer since he returned from the DL. Luke Scott is like Ty Wigginton Jr. Scott has never hit a homer and not hit another within that week and usually he hits about four in the next week.
Jeff Niemann – Got good news on his shoulder. He doesn’t have any sort of major structural damage. That’s a lot to write on someone’s shoulder.