Our first full slate of games and two closers lost jobs. Mother Nature and/or Al Gore (if they’re different people), how is climate different than weather if both lead to a closepocalypse? An interested party is curious. It was a bit before concussions were in vogue, but did anyone ever check Robin Ventura for a concussion when he got cantalouped by Nolan Ryan? Cause he just lamebrained up my fantasy teams by naming Matt Lindstrom the closer– Um, Grey? What’s up, Random Italicized Voice? When Addison Reed was traded in December, you said, “White Sox GM Rick Hahn named Nate Jones, Matt Lindstrom, Scott Downs and Daniel Webb as possible replacements. Due to Scott Downs’ Syndrome, Downs is out of the mix. Jones will be a favorite by fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) due to his ability to strike guys out, but I’m guessing Lindstrom will end up with the job due to that hard-to-put-your-finger-on-it closer experience quality.” And that’s me quoting you! DAH!!! I got wrapped in the allure of a young, sexy closer and forgot where my butter pickles were buttered! I imagine this shituation will get worse before it gets better, so if you have room, I’d hold Jones for now, but you should absolutely pick up Lindstrom in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers as he hit out of the 7th hole, because Ventura has no idea where to hit or play De Aza. He should bench Dunn (or let Big Donkey retire), and let Viciedo and Konerko platoon at DH. I’m not even a fan of Viciedo or Konerko, but what are they hoping to get from Dunn? An 0-for-3 with a walk? He’s hitting .178 over 241 ABs in the last three Aprils. Sure, he’s fat and cuddly and has a blue ox, but at what point is it enough?
Joe Mauer – 0-for-4 with Kurt Suzuki and Brian Dozier hitting in front of him. Yeah, that should do wonders for his stats. Actually, scratch that, there’s nowhere worthwhile to bat in the Twins lineup.
Francisco Rodriguez – Got the save and Ron Roenicke named him the closer. Why did he have to wait until two outs in the bottom of the eighth to name K-Rod the closer? Does Ron Roenicke play in a fantasy league with the Brewers coaches? Was Jim Henderson seen leaving Roenicke’s daughter’s bedroom late last night? I got questions, y’all! I’d grab K-Rod in every league where he’s available; he could stay the closer the rest of the season or until May. Too hard to say. I’d continue to hold The Muppet Master, Jim Henderson, until further notice too.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s baaaaaaack! Kidding. I still don’t trust him. I’d say if YoGa still has a zero ERA after three weeks, I’d pick him up, but someone else will get to him first and I’m fine with that. My mantra is let YoGa stretch someone else’s nerves.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 1 run and a steal. The roar from the crowd during Braun’s first at-bat was a grand display of apology accepted. It was like the crowd was saying, “We’re good. Just don’t wear one of those Ed Hardy shirts again.”
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. I mention the heckfire out of Teheran on this afternoon’s podcast. Could it be because I own him on every team? Yeah, prolly.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. And Rudy mentions Verlander in this afternoon’s podcast. Just you wait! Or not, your choice.
Salvador Perez – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Was a tough day for Perez. After the game, he said 4-for-4 sounds like ‘por favor’ and his abuelita had taught him good manners.
Daniel Murphy – Missed Opening Day in Metco because it was Opening Day in his wife’s delivery room.
Krispie Young – Suffered a mild quad strain in Montreal. I blame the poutine.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his first homer. Power isn’t his thing (unless Dwayne Murphy and Victor Conte coached him this offseason), but if he’s playing every day, he could hit 7-10 homers and steal 15-20 bases. It is still unclear how the Mets will handle Krispie, Andrew Brown (who also homered yesterday), Eric Young and Lagares, especially if they give Lucas Duda outfield at-bats. I vote for Krispie, Brown, Duda, but that’s just cause it makes me giggle.
Bobby Abreu – Signed with the Mets. Now the Mets can have the Doodie Bubble outfield! You know, Bobby, Brown, Duda.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Few extra Ks, but basically the same as his opponent, Dillon Gee (6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks). When your ace ends up looking like Gee, you’re bound to feel indifferent.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3. As he was trying to breakup a double play, he was kneed in the head. That’ll teach him to loaf!
Wilson Ramos – 0-for-3 as he hit cleanup, but left the game with a possible fractured hand. The x-rays came back negative, but he’s going to see a hand specialist. Nats new manager, Matt Williams said, “You have a lot of little bones in there, so we have to make sure.” Sounds like my mom when she’d cook fish. Does Ramos have two haddocks for hands?
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a home run as he hit 8th. Maybe with Ramos out and Rendon hitting Matt Williams will fix his lineup so it doesn’t look like it’s his first week on the job. “So, all of these snacks in the break room are for, like, free? An unlimited supply of Bugles? This job is awesome!”
Brandon Belt – 3-for-5, 3 runs and a home run. It was…Wait for it…Here it comes…Shoot, I forgot it in my car…One second…Oh, it’s in my pocket…That homer was Belt’d! Damn, that needed less build up.
Buster Posey – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a home run off Addison Reed, who I happen to own on every league. Payback for making Posey a schmohawk last year. Because it was a non-save shituation, this shouldn’t mean anything for Reed smla^!w3dno. Oops, sorry, was crossing my fingers a little prematurely.
Chris Owings – 3-for-5, 1 run. If you’re hurting at middle infidel, Chris is worth Ownings.
Miguel Montero – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a solo homer. As I go to sleep, I’m debating whether to pick up Montero now and drop Ramos or wait until I hear on Ramos’s test results. This should make for less interesting dreams than that time I was debating picking up Flowers for Taylor Teagarden.
Jered Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. The offseason chats with his big brother are doing him less and less good.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run. I’m sure glad Rudy got the number one pick in our RCL. That’s really going to make watching Trout so much fun.
Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Angels or as Beyonce would sing. I can K your halo, halo, halo, I can K your halo, halo, halo, I can K your halo, halo, halo…Halo, halo.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a home run. I just told you to pick him up in last week’s Buy. It was a real humdinger! More dinger than hum.
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-5, 1 RBI as he led off. I just went over him too in last week’s Buy. It’s all Mariners, all the time! (This has nothing to do with the wager I made in January in Vegas that the Mariners would win the World Series. No, really it doesn’t. But that would be some nice icing. I like icing!)
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. That’s my boy!
Jim Johnson – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and he was followed in the box score by F. Abad, which seemed almost appropriate. More like F. Jimsbad.
Shane Victorino – To the DL with a hamstring strain. The Lyin’ Down Hawaiian could miss around a month. Jackie Bradley Jr. was recalled to take his spot on the roster. Bradley was flown to the game yesterday, but he could’ve walked. Three times over.
Grady Sizemore – 2-for-4 and a home run. Red Sox fans are just glad Grady didn’t leave Pedro in past 100 pitches.
Chris Tillman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I don’t mind the 7+ K-rate from my number three, but I’d like it better in seven innings. Cust kayin’.
Tommy Hunter – Got the save and was named the O’s closer the morning of Opening Day because Buck Showalter reads The Game, and was playing hard to get. I still don’t think this bullpen is all said and done yet, and that’s me negging.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Okay, let’s see him stay healthy for ten straight starts. And I’m still negging!
Billy Hamilton – 0-for-4 with 4 Ks. Okay, but one of these days a third strike is gonna get by the catcher and he’s gonna steal first.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. No Opening Day blues for Wainwright, which also wasn’t a song off his brother’s album, Out of the Game.
Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. He said in the spring that he wants to have an ERA in the one’s this year. I kinda get the sense this isn’t as crazy a claim as when Kemp said he wanted to go 50/50 and have Chris Brown call him daddy.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a solo home run. Probably won’t hit for a great average, but 20/10 could be in his sights like he’s Wade Boggs spotting chicken.
Casey McGehee – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs. The .002% that own him rejoice!
Jose Reyes – Likely headed to the DL after leaving yesterday’s game early to get a head start on a hamstring MRI. Be interesting to see where he’s drafted next year when he misses 60 games this year.
R.A. Dickey – 5 IP, 6 ER. If you drafted him for the bounce back, you probably see his name like D***ey.
Wil Myers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hit 2nd while Zobrist (0-for-2, 2 runs) hit third. If Maddon wears glasses so he can see and not just to look smart, Myers and Zobrist will be reversed shortly.
David DeJesus – Left yesterday’s game with a foot contusion, but it doesn’t sound serious. DeJesus was told not to walk on water for three to five days.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Two walks and three Ks? Who stole every letter of the alphabet and pitched yesterday for the Cubs?
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Only 32 more starts like that and you’ll be thanking me!
Tanner Scheppers – 4 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. On the bright side, this was the longest outing of his career. So, it’s not that bright.
Alex Rios – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a home run. Rios Grande!
Josh Wilson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs as he started at 2nd base, and the Rangers plan on platooning him with Donnie Murphy. A Murphy/Wilson teaming couldn’t sound worse unless it was talking about who’s in the new Dr. Doolittle.
Cliff Lee – 5 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K. I haven’t see someone destroy The Adverb that bad since Stephen King’s book, On Writing. A highly ranked Phillie ex-All-Star makes a toilet out of fantasy teams every year. Maybe this year it’s Lee’s turn.
Cody Asche – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a home run. Don’t worry about coming to me with your tail between your legs, asking if you should pick him up. You’re all Grey’s children. I don’t love one more than the other. Okay, I do love those that drafted Asche more.
Ben Revere – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a steal. After the game, Ben said, “You Revere me,” then threw flowers at his own feet, but quickly apologized saying it was something he learned from Rajai Davis, the King of SAGNOF.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-6, 4 RBIs and a home run. Rollins’s home run was the first time instant replay was used to try and overturn a home run call by the manager of the player who hit the home run.