The other drafternoon I took part in my Fantasy Razzball draft where the object is to field the worst team possible. This team isn’t just bad. Nah, I outdid even myself this time. On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven. I did the math! Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs. If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job! If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you. And shame on this team! My co-conspirators in this were:
Chet G., Fantasy Football
Andy B., Yahoo! Roto Arcade
Tim W., Buccofans.com
T Man, Middle Aged Sports Guys
Jonathan H., The Hardball Times
Paul R., My Sports Rumors
Ryan D., Oh What, Another Baseball Blog
Andrew C., Yanks Go Yard
Come with me as I take out the trash:
Round 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know. He’s eligible at 1st! Need I continue? His K rate has been going up. You want more? He’s also eligible at 3rd. Could Joyce DeWitt’s son steal time? I suppose, but Belliard’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs. Bleh, and thank you.
Round 2 – It was between Lousy Castillo and Drew Stubbs, who may not even break camp with the Reds he’s so godawful. Stubbs’s projected 267 strikeouts this year had me throw caution into the wind and go with the upside pick. Yes, in this league, your 2nd pick may not break camp with the club. It’s not easy being bad at your chosen vocation. Ask any non-Greinke Royals pitcher.
Round 3 – Tommy Manzella, while renown for his lasagna, is not, how do I put this, good at baseball. If there were a category on Jeopardy! titled, “Players You’d Confuse With Adam Everett,” Manzella would be the question for every answer. Manzella’s projections: 450+ ABs, .240 average and 5 homers. Now that’s Italian!
Round 4 – Actually, I really like Scott Podsednik this year in fantasy… Sorry, I meant to say, I really like Scott Podsednik’s wife. Crucial detail.
Round 5 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet. It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months. Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will. Without further ado, Brian Bannister.
Round 6 – Went with the Marquis de Shat here because we have a max innings limit and I really wanted to get a few pitchers that could actually stay in the rotation all year. Figuring quality non-quality over quantity non-quality, if that makes sense.
Round 7 – A two home run hitter calling Petco home? Was surprised to see Sparky Anklebiter make it all the way to the 7th round. Middle infield is a deep position in this, but I couldn’t turn down this kind of value.
Round 8 – Brett Gardner is the first pick that I could see definitely owning in regular leagues. One of the few picks on this team with downside. If he can avoid the top of the order, he should be fine.
Round 9 – Considering Michael Bourn went in the first round, Nyjer Morgan‘s a steal here. Speaking of which, steals aren’t counted in this league, if anyone was not familiar with the points structure. BTW, the nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”
Round 10 – Tommy Hunter. Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.
Round 11 – Martin Prado isn’t a great pick at 2nd base… But he’s not playing there for me. He is a solid guy for the Not Corner.
Round 12 – I expect Porcello’s ERA to mushroom. (<–almost pun!)
Round 13 – Scott Olsen — You know those Army commercials you see that promise college and all that? I imagine in the next 15 years there will be commercials for kids who throw lefty. Can’t afford college and you throw lefty? Play in the Majors!
Round 14 – Daniel Murphy locked up my corner infidel spot. Not bad value for a guy who received fielding tips from Keith Hernandez and hitting tips from Ron Darling.
Round 16 – In regular leagues, I wouldn’t want to fill my utility spot so early, but I knew I wanted a top tier catcher, so I grabbed Gregg Zaun, then immediately began thinking about how he really shouldn’t be playing in the major leagues anymore. Someone hire him to coach, please.
Rounds 17/18 – Dave Bush and Brett Myers because Home Runs Allowed is a category. Hopefully, Myers won’t disrupt my harmonious clubhouse.
Round 19 – Ladies and gentlemen, super futility man – Eugenio Velez.
Rounds 20/21/22 – Ronny Cedeno, Chris Getz and Jeff Keppinger. Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time. Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.
Round 23 – Billy Buckner? *shrugs* I don’t know, but he’s supposed to be terrifically awful.
Round 24 – Garrett Mock – Mock indeed.
Round 25 – Grabbed Russell Martin to stash on my DL, though I’m sure at least one of my pitchers will end up on the Disgraceful List by May.
Round 26 – Every time you hear Willie Harris‘s name don’t you think of Michael Dukakis? Yeah, maybe it’s me.
Round 27 – Jake Westbrook is actually the Indians number one pitcher. Chief Wahoo should change his name to Chief WTF?